Remember When

His eyes were filled with tears as he turned towards me, and my heart felt as though it had been torn into a million pieces as I looked into his eyes and saw how broken he was. His lip quivered slightly, his eyes scanned mine, as if looking for something he wished he could find.
My chest prevented me from breathing as I took in his heartbroken expression, an expression that would be forever etched into my mind.

I felt no sympathy for the man before me, he had betrayed me, broken my heart. His face glistened with the tears he had shed, his eyes bloodshot. His hair was ruffled like he had been in bed for the last week, his clothes creased. He wore a tight leather jacket and tight black skinny jeans. His converses were covered in mud, turning them a sickly brown.

I felt a lump in my throat as he stepped closer to me. His eyes were now filled, and his face was completely serious. He looked as though he would never be happy again, and I desperately wanted to wipe that look from his face forever.

His voice came out hoarse, and a small tear escaped his eye, gently rolling down his cheek. "Remember when I cried to you a thousand times?" I nodded in reminiscence as a image filled my mind.

He was crying in my arms, tears soaking my shirt as I tried to soothe him, whispering in his ear. His sobs struck at my heart with each one, and my own joined his in unison. I rocked him back and forth gently, like a small child that had just fallen over, and sought comfort. I traced circles on his back, caressing his soft skin beneath his shirt. His arms wrapped around me desprately, and I never wanted him to let go. The pain in my chest was making it unbearable for me to watch, because no matter how much I tried to soothe him, he would continue sobbing. I wiped at my own tears with shaking hands, and lifted his tear stained face up towards me. My chest pained me as I remembered the way he had looked at me when I had asked what was wrong.

"I told you everything, you know my feelings."

Another image filled my mind at his words. He had looked up at me, his eyes still swollen and bloodshot, with tears still falling down his cheeks. I had brushed them away with my finger, stroking his face until he felt comfortable with telling me. He clung onto my chest, begging me to forgive him. I had lost all my strength and had given in to my own sobs, brushing through his hair with my fingers. My tears soked the beautiful man's hair making it appear greasy. His face pressed up against my wet chest as I continued to craddle him in my arms. I whispered words of comfort, my voice barely audiable beneath his cries. I had promised him I would forgive him, I had kissed his lips slightly, to show that I could never be angry at him.

His lips had tasted salty from the water that now soaked the both of us. Although my lips had only been in contact with his for a second, my whole body tingled at the touch. I loved him more than anything in this world, would die for him if I had to. I would jump in front of a bullet for him, I wouldn't think twice.

He had almost choked on his own words, which came out strangled, but I had heard him. The words that had left his mouth could not have been clearer, and yet I still acted as though as I had not heard him.

'I've cheated on you.'

The words had pierced my heart, my breathe had been knocked out of me, and I had let go of him. My heart felt swollen, broken, and my eyes stung as each tear escaped, showing him how weak I was. I felt as though the world was spinning around me, pulling me into a black hole that I would never escape. I felt dizzy, confused. Nothing made sense anymore, nothing mattered. Without Gerard, I was nothing. It was as if my heart had been ripped from my body, sliced into a million pieces and then crushed. Gerard himself had reached into my chest and had taken what belonged to him. I had gasped for breath and had stood up, almost automatically, as I had been unable to feel my legs. I had run away from him, away from everything, I had left.

"It never crossed my mind that there would be a time for us to say goodbye."

How could he say such a thing? He had cheated on me, had kisses another's lips, had shared gentle hugs and touches with them. He had betrayed my trust, had broken my heart, and yet he had been the one crying for me. There would always be a goodbye, we would always part, on the day he crushed my heart.

"What a big surprise." I croaked, aiming to sound sarcastic. His eyes drained of any hope he had left, and his shoulders slumped slightly, as though he were defeated. His facial expression reminded me slightly of how he had looked the night he had confessed about his affair, and I almost found myself running to comfort him. "But I'm not lost. I'm not gone. I haven't forgot."

Another memory flashed into my mind. I had smiled to myself as I had ran in the pouring rain toward's Gerard's house. The shirt was soaked, exposing my pale skin beneath it. My smile grew bigger as I got nearer to the house. I had decided to forgive him, to give him a second chance. He had explained how it had all been a drunken mistake, he had begged, he had pleaded. I had thought it over, and after hours I had decided to forgive him. My heart still ached from the pain I was in, but I had decided to push that pain aside, and forgive him. My heart may never mend, but it may repair over time, with Gerard's help.

I burst into his house eagerly, calling his name. At first I heard no response, and I had thought that he had left. When I heard him calling my name back, my heart overwelmed with joy, and I began sprinting up the stairs. He was no crying out for me, no longer using my name. 'Baby' he cried, he was using my pet name. I grinned wider than I ever had before. How could he still use my pet name after everything that had happened? He loved me. I had giggled as I had heard him call out to me, his voice had sounded desperate. I raced to his bedroom and had swung the door open, with a huge grin on my face. But it had all changed.

My face fell as I watched the scene in front of me unfold. Gerard, moaning a name that hadn't belonged to me, a name just minuets ago I had thought was mine. His body colliding against another's, and both bodies were sweating. Gerard's face had looked excited, happy, and I could see that the man beneath him was enjoying himself too.

I had gasped in pain and clutched my chest, grabbing the doorframe for support. My vision blurred a dark red, and anger boiled within my veins. It wasn't like the first time he had broken my heart, no. This time, it was as if I no longer had a heart. There was nothing left to break. What was the point in love? I had let him fool me into almost taking him back, almost forgiving him for ruining everything. I had let him take advantage of me. I hated him. I hated what he'd done. My fists clenched and my whole body shook as Gerard looked up at me in alarm, and I had ran.

I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes as I continued; "These feelings I can't shake no more, these feelings running out the door." Gerard's face fell at my words, he extended a hand towards me, as if for support. I scoffed. "I can feel it falling down, and I'm not coming back around. I remember when it was together till the end. Now I'm alone again, where do I begin?"

I slammed the car door shut with as much force as I could, and had started the engine with shaking hands. I hadn't bothered to turn on the wind shield wipers, I had just started driving. I had sped down every road, trying to empty my mind of what I had just seen. I wasn't paying attention to the road as I slammed a CD in the stereo player. I turned the volume up full blast to try and mute the noises I could still hear in my head. I could still hear him moaning, could still hear his cries of pleasure. My stomach turned and I could now taste vomit. How could he? The tyres screeched in protest as I had turned a steep corner.

"I cried a little bit, you died a little bit." I spat, and my vision became blurred with tears as I remembered what had happened next.

I had broken from my trance and had begun desperately turning the steering wheel in the opposite direction, trying with all my strength to move the car just an inch, so that I wouldn't fall from the cliff. My heart raced and sweat clung to my forehead as I desperately pulled at the wheel. Everything happened so fast, I couldn't see what was happening. My seat belt unclicked and I was shoved forwards, hitting my head against the cold glass. My screams were unheard as I continued to try and save myself. The cliff's edge was getting closer and closer. I gave was last tug at the steering wheel.

It had been no use. The car had swayed in the wrong direction. I heard myself scream as I felt the right side of the car tip, and I hurled myself upward with all my strength.

"Please say there's no regrets and say you won't forget." Gerard pleaded, obviously remembering how he had found me after the crash. He was now down on both knees, begging for my forgiveness. His faced looked exactly like it had the first time he had begged and pleaded, and I felt the walls closing in on me. I couldn't let him win. We were over.

"It's getting harder to pretend, and I'm not coming back around again." I whispered.

The pain had hit me at full force, my face colliding with the pavement at fifty miles an hour. The pain had been excruciating, my screams met only by silence as I lay waiting to die.

"Remember when-" He all but screamed in despair, grabbing at my injured leg. I yelped and pulled from his grasp, the tears in my eyes now only for the pain. I didn't want him anymore. I didn't love him like I used to. In fact, I hated him. He was worthless.

"There was then, now it's the end. I'm not coming back. I can't pretend." I shouted, pushing him back with all my force. My hands stung at the contact, but I kept back my cries of agony.

Gerard had rushed to my side as they dragged me through the hospital doors, a thousand doctors looking over me worriedly. Fake tears had left his eyes, as though he still cared for me. They had plugged me into a machine, had given me buckets full of blood, and there he stood by my side.

My face had been destroyed, ripped and broken. I was no longer recognisable, and yet he stood there looking at me as though I were the most beautiful sight in the world. I knew he didn't love me, and yet here he stood, holding my hand and reassuring me. I hadn't been able to protest, I was in too much pain.

"It's getting harder to pretend, and I'm not coming back around again." I whispered, and without a backwards glance, I left his life forever, leaving him on the floor, a broken mess.