I Never Want to See You Unhappy

All he left me with were images. Every time I closed my eyes I saw an image of something that had happened during our time together. Although, we were never actually together, I realize that now. We were always almost together but never fully.

I had known all along that we would never get further than almost. He told me from the very beginning that was what we’d be and I’d foolishly agreed. I had wanted to seem as if I was fine with the entire situation even though I wasn’t. A part of me also hoped that if we were at the almost stage long enough he’d finally realize that he truly wanted to be with me.

“So we’re leaving on tour in two weeks. You know that, right?” He leaned his head down so he could see my face.

I lifted my head off of his chest for a second and simply nodded.

He sighed and said, “I know we haven’t really talked about what we are… but I like whatever we’re doing right now. I mean we’re together but we’re not actually together. I’m going to be completely honest, I’ll most likely sleep with other girls while I’m on tour. You’re more than welcome to date around and everything while I’m gone though. I guess basically I want us to have an open relationship.”

“Umm…yeah, that’s fine. I mean I knew we weren’t official or anything.” I mumbled.

“Great. I’m so glad we’re on the same page, Noelle.”

That’s how our relationship went. When he was home we’d be together, but never boyfriend and girlfriend. When he was on the road he’d sleep with other girls. Sure, I dated other people here and there but my heart was never in it. As soon as he came back home I was always there to welcome him back with open arms even though I knew what, or rather who, he had done on tour. He never tried to hide his conquests. I guess one thing you could say about him was that he was always honest.

I blamed Kennedy for this mess I was in. Sure, I knew in reality it was my fault for not standing up and demanding what I deserved and wanted from the relationship, but it’s easier to blame Kennedy. If he hadn’t asked forced me to come and listen to his band that night I would have never met the one boy who had put me in this situation.

“Kennedy, you have no idea how much you are screwing up my plans.” I grumbled.

“Seriously Elle? You’re worried about your stupid plans?”

I shot Kennedy a dirty look. “You know I’m OCD about my schedule. I have my day planned out hour by hour and going to watch your shitty band was not planned for.”

“Last Call For Camden is not shitty. Besides, you’re my best friend and I would think that you’d want to come and support me.”

“You should have asked me to pencil you into my schedule.”

“Well you need exposure to some better music in your life. NSYNC does not count as a legit band.”

“Kennedy, what is the first rule of our friendship?”

“No making fun of NSYNC.”

I was still grumbling when Kennedy introduced me to his band mates but I instantly perked up when I met one in particular. His dark, curly hair was unruly and the headband he wore was obviously more for decoration rather than to control the curls. He had on dark rimmed glasses that looked as if they were fake but he pulled them off anyway.

“Hi, I’m John Gomez.” He smiled.

“Noelle Livingston.” I replied as I shook his outstretched hand.

John had my number by the end of the night and that was the beginning of our…our whatever we had. Kennedy constantly teased me that it was a good thing I had decided to go that night even though it wasn’t in my plans.

Last Call For Camden eventually disbanded and the Gomez’s along with Jess Bowen joined The Summer Set while Kennedy joined The Maine. Kennedy always said that John and I were the best thing to come out of Last Call For Camden. He thought I was happy with John but I wasn’t. I forced myself to believe I was happy but there’s a big difference between that and true happiness. I had lived my whole life making plans and John was the one thing I couldn’t pin down. I stayed with him anyway.

All of that staying with him and all of that hoping he would change his mind got me nowhere. I had waited patiently for him to come around and now I was lying in my bed alone replaying every memory I had of us. It wasn’t as if I wanted to see these images but I couldn’t help it. I was trying not to think about him but it was useless. He was my almost lover, a hopeless dream. I should have known that in the end I’d just be left alone with only my heartache to keep me company. I was trying to turn my back on him but every little thing reminded me of him in some way. He was always on my fucking mind.

Lying in bed reminded me of how he’d sing me lullabies in Spanish when I wasn’t able to fall asleep. While he was singing to me he’d lightly run his fingers over my bare skin causing me to immediately break out in goose bumps. I loved the feeling of his fingers on my skin with his voice in my ear.

“Noelle, it’s 2 a.m. Just go to sleep.” John called over to me from his bed.

“John, I can’t. I was supposed to be done with this project by midnight. I’m not done yet thanks to the fact that I came over here to hang out with you. If I don’t finish it I’m completely screwed. I didn’t schedule time for it in my plans tomorrow.” I frantically said.

John got up from the bed and walked over to the desk where I was sitting. “Forget about your plans for just one night.”
“I can’t do that. I can’t sleep if my plans are screwed up.”

John picked me up anyway and carried me over to the bed where he gently set me down.

He laid down next to me and wrapped his arms around me as he put one hand under my shirt and traced patterns on my skin.

“When I was little and I couldn’t sleep my mother would sing me lullabies in Spanish.” John whispered and then I heard his melodic voice in my ear. “Cierras ya tus ojitos. Duermete sin temor. Sueña con angelitos Parecidos a ti. Y te agarrare tu mano. Duermete sin temor. Cuando tu despiertes, Yo estare aqui.”

“That’s pretty. What does it mean?” I asked as I snuggled closer to him.

“It means ‘Close your eyes little one and sleep. Dream while the angels watch over you. I will hold your hand. And when you wake in the morning, I will still be here.’”

“I like it. Will you sing it again?”

Every time The Summer Set would leave on a tour John would have sadness in his eyes when he said goodbye to me but I now realized it was just one of his many clever tricks.

“I’m going to miss you these next few weeks.” John said hugging me.

“But you won’t miss me enough to not sleep with other girls, right?”

John sighed irritably. “Noelle, please don’t start this right before I’m getting ready to leave. Sure, I may sleep with other girls but I always come back to you. That’s good enough, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is. I’m sorry. Have fun on tour. I’ll miss you.”

“Miss you too. I’ll call you and see you when I get back home, okay?” John said as he leaned down and gave me one more kiss before leaving.

One of my favorite memories was the time we were walking downtown when John suddenly stopped and began to dance with me right there in the middle of the sidewalk.

“Hold on a second. Stop.” John said as he grabbed my arms and then began dancing with me right there on the sidewalk.

“John, what are you doing?” I asked while laughing but also feeling a bit embarrassed.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m dancing with you.”

“Yeah, but people are trying to walk.”

“I don’t care. I want to dance with you so I’m going to. The other people can just walk around us. When you have the opportunity to dance with a beautiful girl you need to take it.”

The worst memory I had was the one where he left me. He kissed me one last time and told me that he hoped I never forgot the “great times” we had together.

“What do you mean you’re not coming back after tour? Are you not living in Arizona anymore?” I asked with confusion apparent on my face.

“No Noelle, I’m coming back home, I’m just not coming back home to you. I think our time together has run its course.”

Desperation started seeping into my voice. “You’re…We’re…We’re done?”

“Yeah, we are. I hope you never forget what we had though. I had some great times with you and I know I’ll never forget them so I hope you don’t either.” John leaned down to give me one last kiss before walking out of the relationship he had always been in control of.

“Hey, I thought you were going to come meet the bus when we got back into town.” I heard a voice say from the doorway.

I rolled over on my bed and saw John O’Callaghan, the other John in my life, standing there.

Coincidentally I had also met this John thanks to Kennedy. I had gone to one of the first The Maine shows and Kennedy had introduced me to his new band members. John O’Callaghan and I had clicked and soon became best friends.

“Shit, I’m so sorry John. I forgot that you guys were coming home today.”

“It’s okay. I was just worried about you.” John shrugged as he sat down on the edge of my bed.

“No, it’s not okay. I am the suckiest person on the planet.”

“You’re going through a tough time right now…so, how are you?”

I blinked back the tears forming in my eyes. “I’m pathetic, John. It’s been three months and I’m still a mess. I think I’m more upset that I let him do this to me rather than the fact that we ended. I mean I was never okay with the fact that we weren’t an official couple but I acted as if everything was just fine and dandy.”

John snorted when I said “fine and dandy” but quickly recovered. “Ellie, this is perfectly normal. It’s called the grieving process.”

“Believe me, I know.” I muttered as I pointed to a book on my nightstand.

John leaned over and picked up the book, laughing as he read the title out loud. “The Seven Stages of Grieving?”

“Yes. It’s hard to plan for these types of things but I need a rough estimate of how long until I’m back to normal.”

“You and your damn plans.” John rolled his eyes but began flipping through the book. “Stage One: shock and denial.”

“Check.” I answered.

“Step Two: pain and guilt.”

“Been there, done that.”

“Step Three: anger and bargaining.”

“Yep.”

“Step Four: depression, reflection, and loneliness. I’m assuming that’s where you are right now?”

“You’re a genius.” I sarcastically said.

“You know Ellie, I think this is for people who’ve had someone in their lives die, not people who are going through a break-up.”

“Shut the fuck up. You guys all abandoned me while I was going through this because you had to go on tour or some other nonsense like that. That book was the only thing helping me through.”

John chuckled as he laid down beside me and wrapped his arms around me. “I’m sorry pretty girl. Well I’m here now so why don’t you talk about it?”

“It was all my fault, John.”

“No it wasn’t. Don’t ever think that.”

“Yes it was! I let him just walk in and out of my life and I never complained. I made it so easy for him to do that.”

“What made him end things?” John softly asked.

“I…I finally told him that I wanted more. I told him that I could compromise and we didn’t have to be official or anything but I couldn’t handle the thought of him sleeping with other girls while he was on tour. He told me he couldn’t promise not to. He chose screwing random girls over being with me.”

“Shit, Ellie, that’s so fucked up. He’s a dick.”

“I know he is but I bet right now he’s just fine. I’m sure he’s not feeling any remorse for what he did and here I am…I’m a mess. I’m haunted with his memory. You know, all I ever wanted was to make him happy. I never wanted to see him sad or upset. Why didn’t he want the same for me?” I hugged John tighter as I began bawling.

John hugged back. “I don’t know, Ellie. I honestly don’t know. All I know is that John Gomez made the biggest mistake of his life. He had you in the palm of his hand and then just dropped you. Girls like you only come along once in a lifetime. But, I do know that there’s a better person for you out there. Someday you’ll be in a better place…”

“I’m not fucking dying, John.” I interrupted.

John laughed and I could feel it rumble throughout his chest where my head was resting. “I guess I should have worded that better. What I meant was that someday John will see you again and you’ll be even more amazing than you are now and all he’ll be able to think about is how he fucked it up with you.”

I sighed. “You’re right. I just don’t know what I ever saw in him. I mean he’s a fucking wannabe hipster. News flash, you cannot be considered a hipster when you’re in a band with Brian Dales as the lead singer. I mean being associated with Brian alone makes you lose any hope of being a hipster. Plus he always called me Noelle. I hate being called Noelle. I understand that’s my given name but I want to be called Elle.”

“Or Ellie.”

“Only you can call me that.” I smiled up at John. “He’s so self-centered and only cares about himself. I can’t believe I spent so much time with someone like him.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t catch some sort of STD from him.”

“I’m not dumb. I told him he was silly if he thought I wasn’t going to make him wrap his willy.”

John laughed. “Please tell me you said those exact words to him.”

“I did. He didn’t seem to appreciate them though.”

“Well I think your witty remarks are genius.”

“Thanks John.” I softly said and then looked up at him. “Thanks for coming over here too. I’m sure you’re tired from tour though so why did you come see me as soon as you got back?”

“You’re one of my best friends Ellie. Of course I’m going to come over and help you.”

“Yeah, but Kennedy’s one of my best friends also and he’s not over here.”

“You know Kennedy has a phobia of when girls cry.” I laughed as John continued. “I hated being on tour and knowing you were falling apart. I wanted nothing more than to cut the tour short and come back home but I knew I couldn’t. I just promised myself that I’d come to you as soon as I could. I just want to make you feel better. I want to make you happy again.”

It was in that moment where everything finally clicked. John O’Callaghan was the one who was always there for me. He knew what I hated, what I liked, and accepted my planning OCD. He just wanted to see me happy. He was even willing to sacrifice things for himself in order to make me smile.

John Gomez was the exact opposite of this. He had no clue what I liked or disliked. He constantly complained about how I wanted every day to have a schedule. Hell, he didn’t even try to cheer me up when I was upset. Even though he was so obviously wrong for me, I stayed with him.

I realized that John was my better person and my better place. I had been with the wrong John this entire time. John O’Callaghan was who I belonged with, not John Gomez.

I quickly sat up with tears streaming down my face. “I’m sorry John. I’m so sorry.”

John sat up too and I saw the look in his eyes. He understood that I had finally figured everything out. He stayed silent though.

“I…I’ve been so blind. I was never supposed to be with him. I’m supposed to be with you. It’s always been you. You’re the one I run to.”

John hugged me as I buried my face in the crook of his neck.

“I love you, Ellie.” He whispered.

“How long have you felt this way towards me?” I asked.

“Since the day Kennedy introduced you to the band. I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t. You were with John Gomez by that point. The only thing I could do was stand there and watch him hurt you while I tried to pick up the pieces.”

“I’m so sorry it took me so long to figure it out. I know now that I love you. You’re the John that I want. You’re my John.”

He leaned down and kissed me. Everything I had been missing throughout my entire relationship with John Gomez was apparent in this one kiss with John O’Callaghan.

I was finally able to let go and say goodbye to my almost lover because I had found where I was truly supposed to be, and it was so much better.