I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

I fell in love.

There isn't some crazy, cute love story to go along with it. We were attracted to each other and it just happened. I was going to college full time and working on the side, and he was in a band traveling the country.

At first, things were great. He made such an effort to make me feel like I was the only girl he'd ever care about. When we would be at a party, or out to lunch he made me feel like I was the only person he wanted to pay attention to. He laughed at all my jokes, he listened to me rant about work, and he held my hand in front of his friends. He was perfect. We were perfect.

As time went on, things just got harder. We started to lose that spark that initially held us together. I got jealous very easily, and he knew it. Jealous not only of him talking to other girls, but jealous of how he spent his time. It was a big problem. I loved him too much.

He too developed insecurities about our relationship. He felt as if I was just keeping him around until something better came along. He accused me of not loving him anymore when that was anything but true.

"I'm so sick of this shit." He mumbled as I got in the car.

"I'm sorry! I thought I would get done at three but one of my tables wouldn't leave." I apologized with some attitude.

"Do you know how many times I've waited in this parking lot for you? Why couldn't you just drive your car?" He snapped.

"I'm sorry I wanted to spend time with you." I retaliated.

"Yeah, of course you did. That's why whenever we're together we're always fighting."

"You're the one who started it!" I exclaimed. "Fine, you know what? Drop me off at home and go out with your friends like you always do."

"Maybe I will! You're always working or studying and when you're not, you're too tired to ever do anything."

"When do you ever ask me to do things?" I cried, getting angrier with every word that came out of his mouth.

"I asked you if you wanted to go see that movie the other week and you just ignored me." He replied.

"Okay, first of all that was three fucking months ago, and second, it was the day I got into that huge fight with Karen and you didn't even defend me." I protested.

"I ask you to do stuff all the time." He argued.

"Name three times in the last month." I demanded.

"I always ask you to do stuff. You never want to hang out with me. You'd always rather sleep or you're at work."

"Yeah, you're exactly right, John. You're always the fucking victim and everything is my fault." I yelled sarcastically, throwing my hands up in the air.

"You never make time for me anymore and you know it." He accused.

"Why the fuck would I jump at the chance of spending time with you when you're home maybe two nights a week? You've neglected me since you got back from tour and I've tried so fucking hard not to fight with you, but I'm done. You know the last time you 'invited' me to do something was when we went to the lake, and Eric told you to bring me along. You weren't even going to ask me to come." I told him, with tears now streaming down my face.

"Yeah, but I asked you." He argued.

I just glared at him, sniffling and crying.

"Every time we even talk you just bite my head off." He yelled.

"Because you're so pleasant to talk to?" I squeaked. "The last three conversations we've had have been about how much you hate our room mate. The only thing you ever say is negative!"

"Fine, then tell me to stop. You never bitch about it when it's happening!" He exclaimed.

"Because it's the only common ground we have!"

"Like you never bitch about your dad to me?" He argued.

"I do! I do it all the time because he's an asshole and half the time I'm bitching about how badly he treats you!" I replied as he pulled into our driveway.

"But do you ever say anything to him? No. You never do and you never will. You know, you were supposed to ask him for money and you're too much of a coward to do that either." He brought up.

"You don't get how hard it is trying to talk to him!" I cried.

"So there hasn't been a good time to talk to him in the past two years? It's not fair how he treats you and you just let him."

"Stop yelling at me!" I screamed as I got out of the car and slammed the door shut.

I thought he was going to stay in the car, but he got out and followed me to my bedroom.

"So what do you want to do about this? Tell me where you want to go and we'll go somewhere." He said in a calm voice.

I sat on my bed wiping my eyes.

"No."

"I can't change what I did in the past, so let's just work to fix this. I love you, Catherine. I know you don't think I do, but I really do." He said softly.

"We can't, John. Things won't change." I cried.

"I'll change! I love you." He argued.

"No, I don't care anymore-"

"You don't care! You never fucking care. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"We can't do this anymore. We're both unhappy and we're not getting anywhere. You go your way and I'll go mine."

"No!" He yelled.

"I wasn't asking."

He started moving out the next day and back in with his parents. I had to stay there and finish out the lease with our room mate Karen. It was hard the first few months, but things got better eventually.

So today is the day of my rehearsal dinner. I guess sometimes things just have a way of working out.

I stood in line at the coffee shop to get my favorite hot chocolate when I heard a voice behind me call my name.

"Catherine?" He asked, as if he still wasn't sure it was me. I'd changed. I lost a little weight and cut my bangs. I outgrew my tight ringlets and instead wore my hair in big barrel curls.

He had changed too. The last time I saw him his hair was short but it was even shorter now and he still looked way too skinny. His jaw was a bit more defined and his face looked older.

"John? Hey, how are you?" I asked with a smile.

"Good, good. How are you?" He asked.

"I'm great." I replied with a smile.

"You look great."

"Thanks." I chuckled nervously.

I ordered my drink and of course he paid for it in exchange for a few minutes to talk, which I obviously agreed to.

"So what are you doing now? I heard you're in advertising?" He asked.

"Yeah, it's okay. But how have you been? I heard the band is coming out with a new album?" I asked with a smile.

"Mhmm, we are. It should be out in the winter sometime." He said, before swallowing hard.

"Anything else in your life I've missed this past year?" I asked softly.

"I'm moving to California." He answered, looking down at the table.

"When?" I asked.

"Today. I just stopped here to get some coffee before I hit the road. I actually hoped I might catch you here."

"You always said you would never leave Arizona." I whispered, avoiding his eyes.

"That was when you were here." He replied.

I felt a pang in my heart when he said that.

"I'm still here." I told him, resting my hand atop his.

"You're getting married." He said.

"So you do know." I nodded.

"Yeah. Justin told me."

"Then I take it that the fact you're leaving today is no coincidence, then?"

"You're right. You know, you can come with me." He proposed.

"John..." I sighed.

"Do you love him like you loved me? Does he treat you as well as I did? I know I blew it, Cat but I'm still so in love with you. I wanted so badly to fix things and we could have if you just tried. We could have been getting married today. I already had a ring." He admitted.

"I'm sorry. I'm getting married tomorrow." I told him, apologetically.

He nodded like he understood that I wasn't choosing him. I'd never seen him look so hurt in my life.

"I hope you're happy." He told me sincerely as his eyes filled with tears.

"Thanks. I hope you find some happiness too." I whispered, keeping in the tears that threatened to fall.

So I got married the next night. I made a promise to God, my friends, family, husband, and myself that I would love him forever.

I knew I loved John more deep down, but life wasn't a fairytale. We wouldn't work out together. We didn't the first time.

----------------------------------

Two months later I was on the interstate, passing a truck on my way to California.

Needless to say, my marriage didn't work out. It was nothing he did, but that day I ran into John haunted me. It terrorized me to the point where I couldn't even look my husband in the eye.

I told him that our marriage was too rushed and I didn't feel the same way about him as I used to. It was absolutely true.

I couldn't believe I was so stupid. He offered me a chance to run away with him. He was trying to rescue me from a life of regrets and I turned him down.

He loved me so much that he couldn't stand to be in the same state as me if I was married to someone else.

I had his address typed into my GPS after shamelessly crying on Eric's doorstep for ten minutes straight. He offered to come with me, but I refused.

After seven more hours of driving, I finally reached his house. It was a nice, small home. It was a brick house with white shutters and a pool.

I sat in the driveway for ten minutes, deciding whether or not to go in or just drive home. What if this was a mistake? What if his girlfriend answers the door? What if he hates me now?

My mind went blank when out of the corner of my eye I caught movement. He was standing on the porch if his house, squinting at me. I could tell he still didn't know who I was. It wasn't too late to turn back.

I swallowed my pride instead, and stepped out of the car.

"Hey." I said softly as I walked up the lawn.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, almost scared.

"You have something that belongs to me." I told him.

"I gave you all your stuff back." He answered as he furrowed his eyebrows.

"No you didn't." I protested.

"Then what do I still have?"

"My heart." I replied.

"You're married, Cat." He stated.

"Divorced." I corrected.

"What?"

"I'm in love with you. I haven't stopped thinking about you for fourteen months. I get chills at the sight of you and I want to die just thinking about how wrong I was to turn you down both of those times. I understand if you want nothing to do with me, but now I'm here and I will do anything for you." I confessed.

"I know. I knew we'd be together someday, Cat. It's always been you and me and it always will be." He smiled shyly as he walked towards me.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, biting my lip and looking into his eyes as he stood only inches away from me.

"Don't be sorry. Marry me." He said before pulling me in for a passionate, long overdue kiss.

I brought my hands up behind his head and ran my fingers through his hair. His arms wrapped around my back and pulled me tight against his chest.

"Yes." I panted as we pulled away.

"I wasn't asking."