Rebel Love Song

I woke up with a weird feeling. I didn’t know how to explain it, or even what I was feeling. Just that I didn’t like it at all. I had a shoot scheduled today and I really didn’t wanna go. I slid out of the bed quietly, trying not to wake Jules up. When she’d been diagnosed with cancer, I’d sold my apartment and now I shared a bed with her. I grabbed my cell phone from the night stand and tiptoed down the hall, past Lily’s room and into the living room.

“Hey, it’s Skylar. I need to talk to Sammi.” I said into the phone. Sammi was my photographer most of the time and one of my best friends.

“Hey Sky. Are you on the way?” Sammi picked up finally.

“I don’t think I can make it today. I just have this bad feeling.”

“You got bad ju ju?” I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Yeah Sam, I’ve got bad ju ju.”

“Jules?” I paused.

“God I hope not.” I ran my hand through my hair. “Can we reschedule?”

“For sure dude. Tell Jules I said hi.”

“Talk to you later. Bye.” I hung up just as Lily toddled in.

“What are you doing up so early sweetie?” I asked, lifting her into my arms.

“Mommy’s calling for you.” Lily’s eyes were wide. “Auntie Sky, I don’t feel right.”

“Are you sick?” I pressed my lips against her forehead, seeing if she was feverish.

“No, something’s wrong.” I think Lily’s got the same feeling I have right now.

“Come on, let’s go get you back in bed and I’ll see what your mommy needs.” It was a weekend so Lily didn’t have preschool today. I tucked her back into bed and headed into Jules’s room.

“Sky.” Jules looked awful, worse than usual. “I think this is it.”

“This is what?” Deep down I knew what she meant. I just didn’t want to accept it.

“I’m dying Sky.” She reached for my hand and tugged weakly, like she was trying to pull me down on the bed with her.

“No. You’re not dying. I’m calling the hospital and then we’ll go.” I started to dial the number but she put her hand over mine.

“I don’t want to die in a hospital.” I saw the tears start to well up in her eyes.

“I don’t want you to die.” My voice cracked and I wiped at my eyes angrily. “This isn’t fair, god dammit.”

“Life isn’t always fair.” She wiped my tears away gently. “Can you go get Lily for me? I…I need to say goodbye.”

I almost sprinted to get Lily out of bed. Jules had been writing letters for Lily, for when she gets older. There’s almost a full box of letters that I’m supposed to save for her.

“Mommy?” Lily said, curling into her mom’s arms. “What’s going on?”

“Baby, I love you so much.” Jules couldn’t hold back her sobs. “I love you so much.”

“You’re scaring me.” Lily’s lower lip started to tremble.

“Honey, I’m not gonna be around much longer. I want you to know that I love you more than anything and I’ll never leave you.” Jules kissed her daughter’s forehead.

“Are you going with Daddy?” Lily had only been two years old when Zack was killed. She only had a few memories of him now.

“I’m going with Daddy. And I’m not gonna be sick anymore.” Jules cuddled Lily in to her chest. “I love you so much.” Lily was quiet except for the soft sobs. I couldn’t tell if they were coming from her or Jules or me.

The hospice nurse took Jules’s vitals and confirmed that she didn’t have much longer. Lily lay curled between the two of us as we watched the sun migrate across the room. Jules’s breathing was getting weaker and more strained as time passed. I could barely stand to hear it.

“Sky?” Jules murmured.

“I’m here.” I moved closer to her.

“I wanna go out the way I came in. Next to you.” She smiled weakly.

“I love you Jules.” Fresh tears poured down my face.

“I love you too Sky. Take care of Lily for me?”

“I promise.” I held my pinky finger out to her. Ever since preschool Jules and I have done this. It’s probably where Lily learned it. Jules crooked her finger around mine and I wrapped my arm around her. It was difficult to get close to her with Lily between us, but I didn’t have the heart to move her.

Some time around midnight, I heard Jules’s breathing start to slow down.

And then it stopped.

“Jules.” No response. I bit my lip and hugged her one last time before shaking Lily awake. “Lil, honey, say goodbye to your mom.”

“Mommy’s gone, Auntie Sky.” Lily looked at me, big green eyes shining with tears. “Mommy’s gone.”

“I know baby.” I whispered. I spent the rest of the night cradling Lily and crying.

Then I got up the next morning and got Lily dressed and took a shower. I called the hospital and they gave me a death certificate to sign. Then they took Jules’s body away.

Lily and I stood on the doorstep and watched the ambulance drive away. Lily’s little hand was clutching mine for dear life, her face tear stained and solemn.

“Come on baby.” I picked her up and carried her inside. She buried herself into a pile of her stuffed animals while I closed the door to her room and made some phone calls.

One was to our grandmother in Pennsylvania, to let her know that Jules had died. Our mom had walked out when we were five. Our dad was a naval officer on a submarine somewhere in Alaska. I told her to get in touch with Dad before hanging up.

The next call was to Jake.

“Hello?” Jake picked up.

“She’s gone.” My voice broke on the last word and I burst into tears again. “She’s gone Jake.”

“I’m coming over right now. I’ll be there in five minutes.” He hung up and I buried my face in my hands.

I could feel a piece missing, like a part of me had been ripped away. And it had. I’d lost the other half of me.

I barely heard Jake knocking on the door, could hardly tell that I was moving to let him in. His eyes were as bloodshot and swollen as mine probably were.

“I’m so sorry Sky.” His words made me cry all over again and we stood in the front hall, two almost strangers just trying to find comfort in each other, arms wrapped tightly around each other, tears soaking through shirts.