Rebel Love Song

The day of Jules’s funeral dawned cold and gray. The forecast said there was a 40% chance of rain, so I bundled Lily up in tights and a coat over her dress. My grandmother had point blank refused to let Lily wear black.

“Black is the color of night. White is the color of death.” She said in her thick Polish accent. Which is why I was also wearing a white dress with a black coat over it. I’d picked my dad up from the airport yesterday morning, so the last of our family was here. I was just happy that he’d gotten leave from the sub to come to the funeral.

The minute we walked into the church, I knew Grandma would have a problem with Jake and Ashley. They’d skipped the full body paint they usually did, but there was little they could do about their hair. At least they’d tried to comb it neatly.

“Who are they?” Grandma demanded, pointing with her cane.

“Lily’s godfather and his friend.” I explained. She mumbled something in Polish under her breath that didn’t sound very polite. I helped her over to her seat and went to talk to Jake.

“Hey Sky.” He gave me a quick hug. “Where do you want us to sit?”

“In the front row with me.” I sounded so desperate, but I didn’t care. They obliged and followed me to the front row. Ashley squeezed my hand gently as he passed by me.

The priest led us in a few prayers before calling me up for the eulogy. Jules had been cremated, so there was no coffin. In a way that was better. At the very least I wouldn’t have to see the mirror image of myself lying still in a wooden box.

I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm the storm roiling in my stomach. The entire church was filled with people staring at me, waiting for me to talk. Almost all of them had that pitying look on their face. Jake gave me a thumbs up and mouthed, “You can do it.” I took another deep breath and began.

I told them about my sister. How much I’d loved her. How every night we’d braided each other’s hair. How my grandmother finally put both of our beds in one room so we’d stop sneaking out to sleep next to each other. How much she’d loved Zack and Lily. How she was strong until the end. My words were barely understandable by the time I reached the end of my speech because I was crying so hard.

When I sat back down, my grandmother kissed my cheek. “She was proud to call you her sister.” She whispered. I nodded and dug in my purse for a tissue. Jake put his arm around my shoulders and squeezed gently. The service was almost over. All that was left was a few prayers and then the reception.

But before we could leave the church, we had to do the receiving line. Almost a half hour of people telling me they were sorry for my loss and hugging me. Lily was clinging to my hand like a life preserver.

“Are you coming to the reception?” I asked Jake when he got to me in the line.

“I was planning on it.” He hugged me before kneeling down to look at Lily. “Is it okay if I hug you?” Lily nodded and she disappeared in his embrace. “I promise we’ll take care of you.” This guy was winning brownie points from me left and right. Now if he can just win over my grandmother. She gave him a disapproving stare.

“Your granddaughters are the bravest people I’ve ever met.” He said simply. I didn’t hear the rest of their conversation because Ashley was hugging me, but my grandmother seemed a little less displeased by him when he left. I saw Sammi for barely a minute before carrying Lily to the car. The reception was at the house, which I was grateful for. At least here I could disappear for a little bit, get some time to myself. I spent two hours being the dutiful hostess to people I barely knew or didn’t want to see. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and slipped out the back door. The backyard had a stooped over willow tree that Jules and I had put a bench under. It was a little damp so I grabbed one of the camping blankets from the garage and spread it out underneath me.

I was tired, the kind of tired that sinks into your bones and into your brain and cripples you. I needed some alcohol or a tranquilizer or something. Anything so I could sleep. I’d been unwilling to get back into the bed Jules had died in and had been crashing on the couch.

I heard light footsteps coming towards me and looked up to see Lily, in her little frog printed pajamas and slippers picking her way across the yard.

“Honey, you’re gonna catch cold.” I scooped her up and tucked her into my lap, wrapping the folds of my coat around her. “I thought you were asleep.”

“Too much noise.” She looked up at me. “I miss Mommy.”

“I miss Mommy too sweetie.” I kissed her forehead.

“Are we gonna move?”

“I have to talk it over with Jake.” We hadn’t had a chance to go over the details, what with the service arrangements. Jules had wanted to be cremated and then have the ashes mixed with Zack’s and scattered. In a few days my dad, grandmother, Lily and I would be going to the beach to scatter the ashes. “Come on, people should be leaving soon.” I carried her back inside and got her tucked in again. I headed out into the living room to find Jake being interrogated by my grandmother. Dad was having a beer and talking to Ashley in the kitchen. Everyone else had left.

“There you are.” Dad said, giving me a hug. “I was starting to get worried about you.”

“I needed some air. Too many people in the house.” I shrugged. “How’s Jake holding up under the magnifying glass?”

“He seems to be doing quite well. She moved on past the first ten years of his life and is now asking about his teen years.” Dad shook his head. “That woman is indomitable.”

“And you wonder where Jules and I got it from.” I laughed. “How’s it going Ashley?”

“Having a beer, talking about motorcycles. Pretty well, all things considered.” Ashley smiled.

“Sky?” Grandma called from the living room. I made a face and walked out of the kitchen.

“Yes?” I tucked a stray lock of hair out of my eyes.

“So you two are planning to live together and raise Lily?” Grandma rested her hands on the top of her cane.

“That’s the plan.” I nodded.

“Where are you going to live?” Grandma asked.

“We didn’t get a chance to figure that out.” Jake glanced at me. “We won’t both fit in this house, that’s for sure.”

“So they’ll be living with you?” Grandma’s mouth tightened into a line.

“I guess. I mean, it’s up to Sky, but I do have enough space in my house for her and Lily.” Jake was probably regretting ever signing up to be godfather now.

“I guess that’s what we’ll do.” I said.

“Well, I don’t like it, but if Juliana wanted it, I won’t go against it.” It felt so weird to hear Grandma say Jules’s full name. It brought back so many memories of when we were kids, snuggled up under a thick quilt and listening to Grandma tell Polish fairy tales.

I missed that.

I missed Jules.