To Be Free

The only sound in the darkened room was our heavy breathing. A dog was barking outside, and it filtered in through the cracked window. She rolled away from me and sat up on the edge of the bed. Without the friction of our bodies together, I grew chilled and burrowed under the blanket.

“Jess? What are you doing?”

I heard the click of her lighter and the flame flared to life in the blackness. For a second her face was illuminated as she lit the cigarette dangling from her lips. She reached over and turned the bedside lamp on. She didn’t answer, just sat there and puffed. I sat up a little and crawled towards her, the blanket still wrapped around my shoulders.

“Babe?” I asked quietly.

She shook her head and flicked some ashes onto the carpet. I grimaced at that, knowing I’d have to clean it later. Jessica finished that cigarette and started in on another one, never saying anything, even when I prodded her. A sick feeling settled in my stomach.

“Is something wrong?”

The lamp lit half of her features, but the other half was thrown into shadow. She finally turned her head completely towards me, and I realized something was indeed wrong.

“Why do we keep doing this Sam?”

“What do you mean?” I scooted closer to her, and placed my hand on her forearm. She shrugged it off and stood up.

Her pale skin was luminescent in the faint moonlight coming in from the window. Jess never had a problem with nudity and paced back and forth across the room, occasionally taking a drag off her cigarette. When she was done she dropped it into a soda can on my desk.

“I mean I’m tired of sneaking around every time your parents are gone,” she said quietly. Although she barely whispered it, I knew she was furious.

“What else can we do?”

“We could tell them!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms up into the air. I shrunk back against the bed, pulling the comforter tighter around my body. “We could tell everybody! Think about it. We wouldn’t have to hide anymore, Sam.”

I knew what my face look. That I was tired of this same conversation. My eyes were shiny with unshed tears as my features crumpled.

“You know I can’t. My parents would kick me out. And I need them to get a loan for college. I can’t pay for it on my own. You know I would if I could. I’d do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t,” I cried.

She came over to the bed and sat down. Her hands came to the sides of my face, pulling me towards her. Her lips brushed mine slowly. Once, twice.

“I just want to be free to love you,” Jess whispered. Her tone broke my heart.

We kissed again, this time harder. My lips felt bruised, but I didn’t care. I poured every emotion I was feeling into the kiss. Her desperation sunk into me, the feeling so strong I nearly cried out with it.

“I love you Jessica. I love you so much,” I said in between kisses. My fingers dove into her red hair, pulling her on top of me.

The blanket gave way and it was skin on skin. Hands were everywhere, touching, stroking. Her tongue ran down my neck to my chest and I moaned. She looked up at me, her green eyes shining.

“I don’t care what happens, Samantha. Just stay with me.”

Her nails bit into my hips and I arched my back. She nuzzled the skin behind my ear, whispering softly things that I didn’t understand.

“Always,” I replied.

I knew that it was futile, and that this moment of ecstasy wouldn’t last. But for now, I was content to pretend that tomorrow I’d wake up and everything would be better. I was flying and I wanted to feel this way forever. I craved this freedom, this pleasure. Her lips on mine, our skin meshing until our bodies became one.

I wanted to know what it felt like to be free.