Snakes and Spiders
Snakes and Spiders
“So, Bam, I’ve been thinking.”
Bam loved his friends. He really, really did. But whenever the words “So, Bam, I’ve been thinking” escaped any of their lips, he wasn’t stupid enough not to know to get the fuck away as fast as possible else face possible hospitalization… again.
“Oh?” Bam mumbled, trying to sound interested even as he slowly crept further away from where Steve-O and Knoxville were lounging about.
Knoxville rolled his head to look at Steve-O, interest sparkling in his eyes. Shit. Bam thought as he quickly began mapping every possible exit of Knoxville’s house and the quickest way to each one. There was no way this could be good.
“Hey, if this is about Jackass 3, man… Missy’s already said no…”
Steve-O shook his head, grinning broadly. His foot was twitching, proof that the man could never sit still, and his head had rolled back so that it hung over the couch. He stared up at an upside-down Bam and giggled.
“I’ve been thinking… With all the experience I’ve gotten, y’know, helping people over come their fears…”
At that moment, Bam would have been willing to give everything he owned (save for maybe a few HIM CDs maybe, but when it came down to it, Ville would probably understand and get him some new ones…) for Steve-O to just pass out and the words he was sure were about to spill forth from the man’s mouth would just die in his throat.
“I’ve decided that I’m gonna help you get over your fear of snakes.”
The very mention of it sent shivers up Bam’s spine. “Um, I… I’m good, Steve-O… Some other time.”
“No, no! This is fucking brilliant!” Knoxville exclaimed, jumping up. He took three steps towards Bam before Bam took off.
The problem was, Knoxville knew his house far better than Bam did and when Bam tripped over a rug (damn Knoxville’s wife to home design hell if that mother fucking thing is responsible for a snake coming anywhere near him) Knoxville appeared out of nowhere and penned him to the floor.
“Fuck! Johnny, man, please! Let me up!”
“Nah, Bammie… This is a fucking awesome idea. We’ll get you over your fear and you’ll thank us!”
“I seriously doubt that… Johnny, please, just let me go.”
“No can do.”
Well, fuck.
This was not going to end well. No, nuh-uh, not a chance.
Quite suddenly Bam realized something. Steve-O wasn’t around.
“W-where’s Steve-O?”
“He went to get a snake.”
Bam paled dramatically, freezing up for a second before he once again began to struggle, to the point where Knoxville was having problems restraining him.
“Motherfucker, stay still!” Knoxville hissed.
“I got it!” Steve-O sang out, coming into the room. Bam looked at him, his wide eyes becoming impossibly wider at the sight of the gigantic snake curled around Steve-O’s neck, its head rising from Steve-O’s shoulder as he drew closer to Knoxville and Bam.
Bam froze up, curling himself into a ball. He buried his head beneath his arms and squeezed his eyes shut. It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real. It’s not. There is no snake. It’s not real.
Suddenly, Bam felt it, the added weight to his shoulder. He gave a quite sob and a shudder ran through him.
He could hear Steve-O whispering into his ear. “Shhh…It’ll be okay. Promise, Bam. You’re doing good.”
“Steve-O, shut the fuck up and get it the fuck off me!” Bam screamed into his arms, his voice high and cracking with fear.
“Just a few more minutes, Bam. Relax, its not that bad.”
“Fuck you, man! Get it off! I don’t like it, get it the fuck off!”
“Calm down, its going to be okay.”
Bam shuddered when he felt the thing move, pressing his arms harder into his head. He was crying harder, his whole body shuddering. He was willing to give anything to get that them to take it off.
Finally –fucking finally –Bam felt the weight leave him. He immediately threw Knoxville off and bolted from the room.
The next morning, Steve-O woke to a bed full of the biggest spiders he’d ever seen. He screamed out (like a fucking girl, to be honest) and Bam had laughed on the other side of a locked door.
“Bam! Bam, I’m sorry! Let me out!” Steve-O screamed as he pounded on the door, trying to escape.
Bam just cackled. “Just a few more minutes, Steve-O! You’re doing good… It’ll be okay.”
Payback was a bitch. Especially when it comes from Bam Margera
Bam loved his friends. He really, really did. But whenever the words “So, Bam, I’ve been thinking” escaped any of their lips, he wasn’t stupid enough not to know to get the fuck away as fast as possible else face possible hospitalization… again.
“Oh?” Bam mumbled, trying to sound interested even as he slowly crept further away from where Steve-O and Knoxville were lounging about.
Knoxville rolled his head to look at Steve-O, interest sparkling in his eyes. Shit. Bam thought as he quickly began mapping every possible exit of Knoxville’s house and the quickest way to each one. There was no way this could be good.
“Hey, if this is about Jackass 3, man… Missy’s already said no…”
Steve-O shook his head, grinning broadly. His foot was twitching, proof that the man could never sit still, and his head had rolled back so that it hung over the couch. He stared up at an upside-down Bam and giggled.
“I’ve been thinking… With all the experience I’ve gotten, y’know, helping people over come their fears…”
At that moment, Bam would have been willing to give everything he owned (save for maybe a few HIM CDs maybe, but when it came down to it, Ville would probably understand and get him some new ones…) for Steve-O to just pass out and the words he was sure were about to spill forth from the man’s mouth would just die in his throat.
“I’ve decided that I’m gonna help you get over your fear of snakes.”
The very mention of it sent shivers up Bam’s spine. “Um, I… I’m good, Steve-O… Some other time.”
“No, no! This is fucking brilliant!” Knoxville exclaimed, jumping up. He took three steps towards Bam before Bam took off.
The problem was, Knoxville knew his house far better than Bam did and when Bam tripped over a rug (damn Knoxville’s wife to home design hell if that mother fucking thing is responsible for a snake coming anywhere near him) Knoxville appeared out of nowhere and penned him to the floor.
“Fuck! Johnny, man, please! Let me up!”
“Nah, Bammie… This is a fucking awesome idea. We’ll get you over your fear and you’ll thank us!”
“I seriously doubt that… Johnny, please, just let me go.”
“No can do.”
Well, fuck.
This was not going to end well. No, nuh-uh, not a chance.
Quite suddenly Bam realized something. Steve-O wasn’t around.
“W-where’s Steve-O?”
“He went to get a snake.”
Bam paled dramatically, freezing up for a second before he once again began to struggle, to the point where Knoxville was having problems restraining him.
“Motherfucker, stay still!” Knoxville hissed.
“I got it!” Steve-O sang out, coming into the room. Bam looked at him, his wide eyes becoming impossibly wider at the sight of the gigantic snake curled around Steve-O’s neck, its head rising from Steve-O’s shoulder as he drew closer to Knoxville and Bam.
Bam froze up, curling himself into a ball. He buried his head beneath his arms and squeezed his eyes shut. It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real. It’s not. There is no snake. It’s not real.
Suddenly, Bam felt it, the added weight to his shoulder. He gave a quite sob and a shudder ran through him.
He could hear Steve-O whispering into his ear. “Shhh…It’ll be okay. Promise, Bam. You’re doing good.”
“Steve-O, shut the fuck up and get it the fuck off me!” Bam screamed into his arms, his voice high and cracking with fear.
“Just a few more minutes, Bam. Relax, its not that bad.”
“Fuck you, man! Get it off! I don’t like it, get it the fuck off!”
“Calm down, its going to be okay.”
Bam shuddered when he felt the thing move, pressing his arms harder into his head. He was crying harder, his whole body shuddering. He was willing to give anything to get that them to take it off.
Finally –fucking finally –Bam felt the weight leave him. He immediately threw Knoxville off and bolted from the room.
The next morning, Steve-O woke to a bed full of the biggest spiders he’d ever seen. He screamed out (like a fucking girl, to be honest) and Bam had laughed on the other side of a locked door.
“Bam! Bam, I’m sorry! Let me out!” Steve-O screamed as he pounded on the door, trying to escape.
Bam just cackled. “Just a few more minutes, Steve-O! You’re doing good… It’ll be okay.”
Payback was a bitch. Especially when it comes from Bam Margera