Ever Since You Walked Into My Life

Lightening took its place outside, the rumbling of thunder soon following after its mate, like an endless game of tag in the sky. I looked out the living room window, arms folded lightly over my chest like a light blanket. The guilt from the last few days had clouted me like a burden, swallowing me whole until I was completely under, gasping for a fresh breath or something good to come and save me. I was alone; forever to be engulfed in culpability.

I couldn't bare to be alone anymore, but it was all my fault for causing such stress and depression in my own household. Sammi was nothing short of upset anymore, now that I hadn't allowed her over Norman's house to play with Mingus. She asked too many questions and expected answers I just didn't have to give. She was my whole world, but after just a few days time I feel as though we had done nothing but drifted apart.

Norman had tried calling, but I didn't have the courage to pick up the phone. He had stopped by a few times, but I only had Sammi answer the door and tell him I wasn't home. He even tried conversing when I picked Sammi up from school, but I quickly turned the other way. On just two occasions did I actually dial his number, but after a few rings I only hung up. I was thinking it would be best without Norman, but once the phone calls and visits stopped, I began to learn my lesson.

I was too hard to catch and much harder to hold on too. I wiped at my eyes, feeling the moistness in my sleeve when I pulled away. I had to pull it together; I had work in half an hour. I sniffled softly, watching as the rain began to drill into the ground without mercy. I grabbed my purse from the couch and slung it over my shoulder, its lightness reminding me that I had to somehow get dinner for Sammi and I tonight.

I flattened out my apron for work and found Sammi sitting alone in her bedroom. She held a Barbie in each hand, one her dressy Ken doll, the other a dark haired Barbie that played more often than the others. I leaned against the door frame, watching as Sammi looked up at me with a small smile. She let her toys down and asked, "Can you stay home tonight, Rascal?"

"I can't, sweetheart. I need the hours."I said softly."As much as I would love to stay home and watch movies with you all night, I just can't do it."

"Okay."Her voice was soft and noticeably breaking toward the end.

I swallowed hard and stepped in, kissing her gently on the top of her head. My thumb absentmindedly ran across the birthmark under her eye and I smiled warmly.

"I love you, Sammi. You be good. I won't be at work long."I fished my hand into my pocket, retrieving my car keys.

My Chevelle was being temperamental as of lately, as if it knew that I was so rudely ignoring my only friend. Like it was punishing me for being an asshole, to be blunt. I was crossing my fingers as I rushed through the rain, pulling my door open and jumping into the drivers seat. I shut the door and plunged the keys into the ignition, silently praying as I turned it, only to hear the annoying click of a screwed starter.

"Motherfucker,"My head fell against the steering wheel once again as I knew I would have to get out to hit it.

It only took me a moment, but by the time I got back into my car and started it, my clothes had gotten soaked and slightly dirty. It was no way acceptable for work, but I had to be on time to make sure I got the hourd I needed so desperately. I had made it to work without fault and began my late shift, nearly falling asleep at the register when it began to slow. The thunder outside rumbled loudly, causing the lights to flicker on more than one occasion.

I sighed softly as it neared almost eight o' clock and ran a smooth hand down my face. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep anymore. Karen gave me a warm smile and shoved a finger in my direction, warning me of an oncoming customer. I offered her nothing but a half smile and turned toward my new visitor. I choked slightly on my breath and rubbed at my eyes to clear my vision. Was I seeing who I thought?

I was delirious, the way the image blurred behind my horrible vision. I swallowed hard after taking in his features; the dirty blonde hair, the crystal clear blue eyes and the mole at the corner of his mouth. It was Norman, clear as a bell, standing right in front of me. He reached up, flicking my light off to signal to others that I was no longer ringing people up. Out of my revelation, the first words that came to mind were, "Norman, you have to leave."

"I don't have to do anything."His smile wasn't there, so I knew this wasn't a friendly visit, but what did I expect?

I didn't mean to be rude, but I just did what I could do at that very moment. I peeked over at Karen, who occasionally looked over at me from behind the schedule in her hands. I watched as an older man came to my line, not noticing the turned off light, but Norman was quick to react.

"Sorry, sir, she's closed."He said sweetly.

"Oh, no problem."With a quick nod he left, leaving Norman and I here once again.

"Norman, I'm serious."I whispered."You can't do this!"

"I seem to not be able to do a lot. Like talk to you, see you, visit you,"He began to count on his fingers and I quickly took hold of his hands.

"Okay,"I said softly, "I get it."

"I don't think you do, Rascal."He frowned.

My hands slid from his, the clank of my fingers clapping against the register stinging my ears. I was clueless as to how I was going to fix anything. I was damned if I do, yet damned if I didn't.

"We need to talk. If you don't want to see me again after, well,"A sorrowful sigh pressed through his lips, but despite his sadness, he finished with, "then I promise I'll leave you alone."

"I don't know, Norman."My eyes continued to jump between Karen and Norman.

"You can't not talk to me every once in a blue moon, Rascal."Norman huffed.

"What do you think I've been doing, Norman?"I shook my head and forcibly stopped my eyes from rolling.

I didn't mean it. I didn't mean a damn thing I was saying to him. I knew it, but I was too stubborn for my own good. Too stubborn, or too scared.

"You're being childish."He snapped."Has all of this been for nothing? Really? Can you look me in the eyes right now and tell me everything we had was worth nothing?"

Norman turned back as footsteps approached, catching another customer before they latched onto my line. He rose a hand, the aura of anger rolling off of him like a hot steam."Lines closed."

"You know what's childish?"My tone had a certain snap to it and we both noticed."To think everything can go perfectly well. That there is not a single thing in this world that can knock me down. But being that the presence of a single fucking person can do that throws everything out the window. Being childish is believing that you can conquer just about anything. Its not how it works. Now please, for the last time, leave."

Norman's facial features tugged, but they never fell. The one thing I could say that hurt me the most was the look in his eyes. The look that said everything he couldn't. I had stabbed him in the heart countless times, but being that I was too closed off for my own good, I hurt a great person. I bit back a sob and whispered, "I'm going to get in trouble."

My body screamed for him to stay. For him to pull me into a hug and tell me everything was a cruel joke. That he was fine. That we were fine. Norman placed a hand on the register and ever so quietly, whispered, "Just know that I loved being with you. Insecurities and all. Its okay to be scared, Rascal. I love you, even if you don't feel the same way."

He slid his hand from the register and tucked both safely away in his jeans pockets. The lights flickered for the umpteenth time for the night as I continued to watch him walk away. I felt so broken hearted, the pain digging deeper than it ever had. This was the one person who accepted me for who I was and I had been pushing him away. He was right and he surely deserved an apology. Being scared wasn't an excuse anymore.

I untied my apron and tossed it onto the register. I had to catch Norman before he had gone and never wanted to see me again. He had been chasing me this entire time, but now it was my turn. I stepped away from the register, my feet carrying me at a quick run to the exit doors. As they pulled open, I squeezed through, my eyes scanning the area for any sign of Norman. He had disappeared so quickly; vanished.

"Norman?!"The thunder outweighed my cry and I shook my head.

It was like a bad romance movie, where the man runs after the woman only to believe she had gone for good. That he would never find his only true love again due to some ridiculous mistake he had made ten minutes into the film. This was that horrible movie, except the tables were reversed. I whimpered softly as I ran toward the rain, stopping before I rushed into the down pour. Just like most cliche films.

But this felt different. He was so hurt, so devastated that I had pushed him away so hard. I swallowed hard and cried out, "Norman?!"

Car lights came and went, but I never saw him make a break for his vehicle. I didn't even see hiis pick up. He deserved a sincere apology and I would be damned if I couldn't tell him. Tell him how sorry I was for the way I had been acting. For ignoring him; pushing him away; everything. He admitted his feelings, his love for me and I pulled the rug out from underneath him. It wasn't fair. It was never fair.

"Norman?!"I stepped out into the rain, brushing the wet hair from my eyes.

Mental breakdown. I was beginning to have a mental breakdown. Why was I so stupid? So careless about his feelings rather than my own? Why? It seemed like my number one question; Why didn't I pay attention?

"Fuck,"My hands collided with my hips, defeat the only word to express how I felt."I'm so selfish."

It was all true; selfish was the perfect word to explain my crazy behavior. Goosebumps broke out across my skin as I stood there, looking like the biggest fool any of these people had ever seen. But I didn't care. I didn't care about anything anymore.

"You should keep your hair like that."There was a quiet snicker, but not much emotion out of it.

I turned, blinding the street light from my eyes with my hand.

"Norman?"I stepped forward, meeting him under the shelter Stop and Shop had to offer from rain or snow.

"The one and only, I guess."He chuckled half heartedly.

I said nothing. I pushed myself forward, wrapping my arms tightly around Norman's chest. I didn't want to let go. I was never so sure of something in my entire life. I took in a deep breath, taking in his scent, the cigarette smoke - all of it. I sighed quietly, feeling him slowly wrap his arms around me as well. He didn't hate me, he was just upset.

"I'm so sorry, Norman. I'm so, so sorry."My voice cracked and my eyes filled with tears.

"Its alright, Rascal."He said softly.

"No, its not."I said."I'm scared. I'm fucking terrified. I'm not used to this feeling. I'm not used to everything being okay. Ever since you walked into my life, I feel like I can breath again. I feel like I can take the next step without the floor coming out from under me. I'm sorry, Norman. I'm so sorry and I won't ever hurt you again."

I pulled away from him and tangled my fingers into his shirt. I wasn't sure if it was the rain or if I were actually crying, but either way I didn't care.

"I love you too, Norman, and I don't want to play this game anymore."I breathed.

There was silence, but when Norman placed his hands against my face, I could feel his warmth crawl under my skin. He leaned down, kissing me softly against the lips and said, "Just let me in, Rascal and I promise you won't be disappointed."

"Okay."I whimpered quietly."Okay, Norman. I'm all yours."