Ever Since You Walked Into My Life

"Rascal, you promised," thick, shimmering tears rolled down Sammi's cheeks.

Eyes red, swollen with certain sorrow. Her bottom lip trembled dangerously. She folded her hands tightly by her sides. Sammi's expression was cold, almost callous. A hard feature in which no eight year old should know, rather than give. She sniveled then. Kept her stony gaze latched on to me. I knelt in front of my younger sister, placed my cold hands on her shoulders. When she pulled away, my heart broke just a little more.

"Sammi, please," I was desperate.

"No! You promised me, Rascal!" She yelled, "You said Mommy would be okay!"

I made a mistake. An incredibly harsh one. Before we moved to Wood-Ridge, I had falsely promised her that our Mom would pull through. That she would break this disease and make it just a little while longer. It was a foolish mistake. Something I begged to take back. But God had a cruel sense of humor in the matter. It was my fault. My fault she didn't understand that our own Mother was dying. But seeing Sammi upset hurt me in so many ways.

"Sam," I reached out for her hand, "please. I know it hurts,"

She took a step away from me. Her tiny hands clenched into angry, shaking fists. I watched her inhale deeply, chest full of precious air. She pursed her lips, held her breath for just a moment. Silent tears continued to drip down her cheeks. Her stare hardened. The look in those baby eyes were so painful. So full of animosity. It broke my heart. Shattered my physical being. I never wanted to hurt her. Never in a million years.

She trembled with lividness. Her cheeks flushed a deep red. And within that single breath, she screamed. She screamed at me, at the top of her lungs. And in that very moment, I had never seen her so upset, "You don't break your promises!"

She began to weep. Deep, heart felt sobs bursting through her tiny lips. But her eyes never shifted away from me. It was as if her intent was torture, though I knew she wasn't capable. How do I comfort her, when all she wanted to do was beat me down? I could almost see the rage radiating off of her. There was a sparkle in her eyes then. Something that caught my attention. It was as if she were staring at me with loathing behind her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Sammi," it came in a pathetic whimper, "I shouldn't have promised you that. It was so stupid. And I am so, so sorry,"

That look remained. She began to breath heavily. Chest rising and falling with short, but profound breaths. I was afraid she was hyperventilating. I reached out to take her hand, hug her, anything, but she simply yanked away. Like she felt my touch would break her. Sammi's brows furrowed in absolute anger. She stayed silent for a moment. I wasn't expecting what she said next, but I was forced to fall apart in front of her, "I hate you,"

I gasped quietly. I hate you. My eyes blurred with tears. Sammi stayed for a moment. Stood in front of me with that same desperate look in her eyes. Her lips trembled as she turned away and headed for the patio door, "Sammi! Sammi, no!"

I didn't quite realize that I had begun to wail. My cries came out in howls, deep, heart wrenching sobs that would make anyone cry with me. I cupped my face in my hands and just cried. Just one sentence. Three small words with so much meaning. I spiraled into a depression I thought I had over come. But just three miniscule words sent me back. I fell forward into the ground, knees tuckled gently under me like a child.

And that's just what I became. A wailing child with no one to care for her. My fingers curled deep into my scalp, thin strands of hair plucking free from my skin. I never expected that to come from Sammi. Not in a million years. I thought she'd fall apart. That I would hold her until she fell asleep. But never this. I tensed when two hands grabbed my shoulders. It was Norman. I could tell just by the simplicity of the touch.

"Rascal," he was so quiet, "Rascal, it's okay,"

Norman's hands moved under my arms. Pulled me into a seated position. He continued to drag me into his lap, where he hugged me tightly. I wrapped my arms around his neck, face dug deep into his shoulder, and just cried. We sat on the floor of the patio. Took as much time as needed. Norman stayed silent, absentmindedly running a smooth hand between my shoulder blades. He let me cry until I couldn't any longer.

I sat restless in his lap, arms loose against him, head lolling ever so slight against his shoulder. I sniveled quietly, took a deep breath. He never loosened his grip, never said a word. Just held me in his arms until I finished crying. Norman rested his chin on my head, whispered, "What happened, Rascal?"

I didn't reply at first. Didn't move. I just whimpered softly. Felt my eyes swell with more tears, but still stayed silent. He squeezed my shoulder in a comforting gesture and sighed. My voice was hoarse when I said, "I broke a promise I shouldn't have made,"

"A promise?" He didn't laugh, accuse me of anything, but was curious.

Norman knew about my secrets with Sam. He got the jist of it.

"I told Sammi that Mom would be okay," I choked, "and I broke it,"

"That's not your fault, Rascal," he said softly.

"Yes, it is," I cried.

Norman leaned back into the railing. Shifted me slightly in his lap.

"I shouldn't have made that promise," I whispered, "knowing that she takes everything literally,"

We both knew Norman couldn't soothe me the way he wanted to on this topic. This was something I would have to work out myself. I just hoped he understood that, "She hates me,"

Norman's eyes widened. In disbelief, confusion, I was unsure. He scoffed lightly and shook his head, "No, Rascal, she doesn't -"

"She screamed at me. So fucking loud. And the tone in her voice when she said it," I wiped at my eyes and snifled softly, "she was so serious. Sammi hates me over some bullshit promise I made years ago,"

"Stop," he said, "stop blaming yourself for once. Please,"

I nodded my head. Gave Norman the satisfaction of agreeing. But mentally, I still dared to take the blame. I think I always would, no matter what the situation. I yawned into my hand, tensed when Norman started to get up. He helped me to my feet and pulled me into a proper hug. I chewed my bottom lip. Tried not to get upset all over again.

"I need to go to bed," I whispered.

I pulled away from him. Softened when he cupped my face in his hands. He was so soft, so gentle. He brushed a few tears away with his thumbs, "It'll be okay, Rascal. Sammi doesn't hate you. You know more than I do that she loves you more than anything else in the world. She's just angry,"

He frowned. But he was right. Though I doubted it at times.

"Let's just go to bed," he took my hands, "it's been a long, fucked up day. We'll take care of this tomorrow, alright?"

Norman and I made our way inside. I dragged my feet, my body very unwilling to walk properly. The blows that today had given me had seemed to drain me completely. I felt like I was sleep walking in a nightmare that I wouldn't wake up from. Norman and I crawled into bed, his arms tucking me easily into his chest. I barely registered his goodnight. By the time my head hit the pillow, I fell into a coma like sleep. At least that's what it felt like.

I woke up a few hours later. It was still dark when a gentle shove was pressed on my arm. I had rolled away from Norman during the night. He was lying on his back, quiet snores filtering into the room. I almost jumped out of bed when my eyes focused on Sammi, just a few inches from me. Her eyes were red rimmed, old streaks of sloppy tears coating her plump little cheeks. Her hair was a mess. She was still upset.

I grabbed her hand gently, still afraid she might pull away, but she didn't. I squeezed her fingers, brushed the knotted hair from her eyes. Sammi welled up in tears again as she whispered, "I'm sorry, Rascal,"

I gave a stiff smile. A still half asleep type. I cupped her face with my free hand and said, "I am too, sweetheart,"

"I don't hate you," it came in a hoarse whimper.

Her bottom lip quivered. Fresh tears taking a fall down her face. She sniffled softly and I frowned, "I know, Sammi. I know you don't,"

"I didn't mean to make you cry," she choked.

"Hey," I propped myself on my elbow, gave her a stern stare, "I know. You were just angry. I shouldn't have made you that promise. That so selfish of me. I'm sorry,"

Sammi wiped at her eyes and nodded her head slowly. Her large orbs danced across the room. She had a question. Something at the tip of her tongue. When she found my face again, she whispered, "Can I lay down with you?"

I smiled, scooted back into the bed and pat beside me. Sammi climbed in without a second thought. I nestled her back into my chest and covered her with my arms. I moved her hair from her face, kissed her temple softly, and hugged her tight, "I love you, Sammi,"

She yawned tiredly into the room. Heavy lidded eyes beginning their descent, "Love you too, Rascal,"