I Can Still Be Your Superman

Listen while you read: 'Near to You' - A Fine Frenzy

After the Ryan Seacrest interview, Nick and I had a live chat on Cambio for fans. I didn’t think it was as bad, but maybe it was just because it was just me and Nick hanging out basically. According to the tweets that were sent in, the fans loved the new song and were glad that I joined the band (which also took off a lot of my stress too).

For the past week, Nick, Sonny, Michael, Tommy, and I have been busy in the studio recording songs of the record. I was so busy, I barely had time to breathe. If I wasn’t at the studio, I was at the hospital with Uncle John (who was staying longer) or at Nick’s place, sleeping, or trying to talk to Cameron.

I don’t know what happened, but I haven’t talked to him since the morning of the interview. I texted. And every call went to voicemail, and every text went unanswered. I even tried to talk to him through Zach, Michael, or Nathan, but they always said he was busy or not there with them. I tried to find him at the studio, but they were either recording or not there when I checked. I was so aggravated and hurt by him avoiding me that it started to affect my work and how I acted.

Nick noticed.

It was the third take of me trying to track my vocals for a song ‘Unforgettable’, but I kept missing the notes.

I sighed as I violently threw the headphones back around the microphone stand.

“Why don’t we stop for today,” Nick’s voice flowed through the air in the booth. “It’s getting late and we don’t want to tire out your voice.”

I nodded and somberly walked out of the booth. Tommy, Michael, and Sonny went home an hour ago after we finished recording the instruments, so it was just Nick, me, and Ed (from Uncle John’s recording crew) left. As I sat in one of the chairs around the table, Ed left, patting me on the shoulder as he walked passed.

“Are you okay Morgan?” Nick asked, sitting in one of the chairs next to me.

“I don’t know.” I said sighing.

“Are you – are you cutting again?” He asked nervously. I saw his eyes dart towards my wrists.

“No,” I said harshly, subconsciously pulling down my jacket sleeves. “I’m just fighting with Cameron, I guess. I just have no idea why.”

“Have you tried to talk to him?”

“Of course I have! He just keeps dodging me every time.”

“Well then, put him in a situation where he can’t dodge you. Make him talk to you.”

“What do you mean? Like go to his house?”

“Well, it is difficult to avoid someone when they’re at your front door.”

I decided Nick was right and sprung up out of my chair. I needed to talk to Cameron. “I think I’ll go do that. Thanks Nick.” I said and walked towards the door before stopping and turning to face him. “Why are you being so nice?”

“What?” He asked, confused.

“Why are you helping me? Whenever Cameron comes up in conversation, you get an attitude. Why not now?”

Nick sighed and ran his hand through his hair. It was a few minutes before he replied. “I just don’t like to see you upset Morgan, ever.”

I smiled softly. “Thanks.” I replied and walked out the door. As I walked downstairs to my car, I pulled out my phone and called Zach.

“Hey Morgan, what’s up?” He answered.

“Nothing much. Where are you?” I asked quickly.

“At Flo’s… why?”

“Is Cameron with you?”

“No, again why?”

“Is he home?” I asked, ignoring his question again.

There was a brief pause before Zach replied. “I don’t know.”

I sighed as I got into my car. “Come on Zach, help me out here. I know Cameron’s your best friend, but I just want to talk to him.”

Zach sighed, “Fine, just don’t tell him I told you. He should be home.”

“Thank you so much Zach.” I said quickly before hanging up and pulling out of the parking lot. I drove as quickly as I could to Cameron’s ‘house’. It really wasn’t his house, just a place that he lived in with Zach, Michael, and Nathan while they were recording. It was only a few blocks from the studio, so it wasn’t long until I pulled in front.

I practically ran out of the car and right to the front door. I knocked a few times and waited. It seemed like it was hours before Cameron opened the door.

“Morgan, what are you doing here?” He asked, his voice full of surprise.

“You wouldn’t answer any of my calls.” I replied shyly.

“I know.” He responded shortly, crossing his arms. “I don’t want to talk to you right now. So, goodbye.” He said before shutting the door in my face.

“Cameron!” I yelled, pounding on the door. “I just want to know what I did! Please, just come out here and talk to me.” I said, my forehead against the hard wood of the door. When he didn’t open it, I continued. “Please Cameron,” I yelled desperately. “I just want to know what I did to make you this mad at me. Just come out and talk to me. I’m not leaving until you do!” I said, practically crying.

I pounding on the door a few more times, but he still didn’t answer. Sighing, I sat on his front steps and wrapped my arms around my legs and waited. I guess Nick was wrong, you can ignore someone even after you answer the door.

I sat on his front steps for hours. Mostly, I just stared out to the street and watched the cars pass by, trying to figure out what I did for the millionth time. It must’ve been something I said during the interview with Ryan or the live chat. But what? Was it because I went public as a couple? No, he said he was okay if I did that. Was it the song? Maybe, maybe he thought it was about Nick and I. How could he know I wrote it with him in mind? I never got the chance to tell him.

“Morgan?” Nathan’s voice hit my ears. “What are you doing out here?”

I lifted my head up out of my hands and saw Zach, Nathan, and Michael walking towards me. “Trying to talk to Cameron.”

“But, you’re out here and he’s inside.” Michael said.

“Yeah, he shut the door in my face.” I sighed and leaned my head against the railing. “I just want to know what I did wrong.”

I watched Zach, Nathan, and Michael exchange a look before looking down at me again. “We’ll be right back.” Zach said before walking inside their house, Michael and Nathan in tow.

A few minutes later, I heard the front door open behind me. “You’re still here?”

I spun around and saw Cameron leaning against the door frame. I stood up, but stayed where I was. “Yeah, I said I wasn’t going to leave. Can we talk, please?” I begged.

Cameron sighed before pulling the door shut and walked over to me. “Wanna walk?” He asked, but began walking before I could answer.

I quickened my pace to catch up to him as we walked down the sidewalk. “Are you mad that I went public with us?”

“No,” He said shortly, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Then why are you so mad at me? I’ve been racking my brain all week trying to figure out what I did.”

“You lied to me.” He said, not bothering to look at me.

My face fell further. “I did not!”

“You did. On air, in front of millions of people.” Cameron said, still storming ahead.

“I did not! Just tell me what I said. Please Cameron.”

“You told me that there was nothing between you and Nick. You promised me.”

“There is nothing between Nick and me.” I said forcefully, trying to keep up with his pace.

“Oh really? Then what was with the whole discussion about your relationship that you told me didn’t happen? What was with that song you two played? What was with all of the flirting and shit during the video chat?”

“Cameron,” I said sighing, grabbing his arm to pull him to a stop. He did stop, but didn’t turn to face me in any way. I took a few steps to stand in front of him, moving my hand down from his forearm to his hand. “Nothing is going on between Nick and me. We were not flirting during the chat. Yes, Nick and I went on a few dates and we were ‘together’ for a few weeks, and I should’ve told you. I’m sorry.

“But he’s not who I care about. I care about you Cameron. That song was written with you in mind, not Nick.” I said, squeezing his hand tightly.

Cameron sighed and darted his eyes away from mine. “I want to believe you Morgan, I do.” He sighed again, pulling his hand away from mine. “But I don’t know if I can.”

I felt my heart drop to my stomach and a lump form in my throat. No, I thought, he has to believe me. But how could I convince him of the truth? “Do you have a piano at your house?” I asked.

His eyes came back down to mine. “Yeah, why?”

I took a deep, shaky breath. “I need to show you something.”

He nodded silently and turned around, leading me back to his house. When we walked inside, Zach, Michael, and Nathan were in the living room. But, despite their questions, we walked right passed them to the stairs to the basement. Downstairs, there was a small creating studio where, I assumed, the guys wrote some of their songs.

Cameron pointed to the black baby grand piano in the far corner of the room. “It’s all yours.”

I walked over to the piano, sitting on the bench and placing my fingers lightly on the ivory keys. I took a deep breath before I began to play.

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn’t last
I loved him so, but I let him go
‘Cause I knew he’d never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn’t have to be experienced
I’m still reeling from the loss
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it’s talking so long
‘Cause though he’s gone
And you are wonderful
It’s hard to move on
Yet, I’m better near to you

You and I have something different
And I’m enjoying it, cautiously
I’m battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He disappearing
Fading subtly
I’m so close to being yours
Won’t you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it’s taking so long
‘Cause though he’s gone
And you are wonderful
It’s hard to move on
Yet, I’m better near to you

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it’s talking so long
Though he’s gone
And you are wonderful
It’s hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing
But it’s talking so long
‘Cause though he’s gone
And you are wonderful
It’s hard to move on
Yet, I’m better near to you
Yet, I’m better near to you

After I finished playing, Cameron didn’t say anything. During the course of the song, he sat next to me on the bench, so now I felt his eyes on the side of my face as I kept my eyes on my fingers on the black and white keys.

“When I first met Nick, or any of the Jonases really, I didn’t think much of them. They were just people that my uncle worked for.” I started. Cameron’s silence made me feel like I had to explain everything that let up to the song. Like, I had to tell him everything or the song would be just a bunch of words strung together without any meaning. “It was Joe who really pushed for a friendship between all of us; he did have ulterior motives though. Over time and as I grew closer to them, I began to talk to Nick more and more. And not just about trivial things. Somehow, Nick was able to pull stuff out of me that I kept deep inside without effort. It was just…effortless between us.

“When I went on tour with them, it all changed. I knew Joe liked me – he was never a subtle one – but I didn’t feel the same way. But, despite that, I went out with him anyway. I knew then that I thought of Nick as more than a friend. But, if anything, I thought my past taught me not to follow what I wanted – it only led to pain and suffering.

“While I was going out with Joe, both Kevin and Nick knew that I wasn’t happy. Kevin knew that I liked Nick and basically forced me to break-up with Joe, thought it was the right thing to do. I was leading him on and that wasn’t what I wanted to do.

“When I did break it off with Joe, it was Nick who consoled me. It wasn’t a very nice break-up to say the least. It took days, but Nick was there for me the entire time.

“Nick and I started dating, I guess, a week or so after I broke up with Joe. I know it sounds bad, but he was the one guy who made me really happy for the first time in months.

“We got caught sneaking out to be alone while we were in Disney. I was banished to my bus and we weren’t allowed to see each other at all. And even after tour, I cut myself off from him. I realized that I depended on Nick too much. He was there every time I was breaking and I was getting too attached. But even then, I still waited him for him to come looking for me, but he never did. But I tried to push those feelings I had for him away from my mind.

“Then I ran into him at the Grammy’s and all those feelings came rushing back to me. He clearly moved on – meeting a girl while he was in London – but I never did. That is, I thought he moved on until I met Zach. He got so angry when I was talking to him, and, in all honesty, it felt great. The jealousy that radiated off him when he thought I was flirting with someone else made me feel wanted again.

“And then I met you, Cameron. And you were sweet, caring, funny, and understood parts of me that Nick never did. When I’m with you, I forget about everything and it’s an amazing feeling. It’s just hard sometimes to forget what Nick and I had – no matter how short – because of how strong it was.

“But, I know that I’m better with you and I don’t want to lose that. You’re too important to me Cameron.” I finished, turning my head to meet his eyes. I took a deep breath. “Because I think… I think I’m falling in love with you.” I said softly.

I heard his breath catch as his eyes searched mine. “Me too.” He responded shakily.