I Can Still Be Your Superman

…The room’s hush, hush and now’s our moment
Take it in, feel it all and hold it
Eyes on you, eyes on me
We’re doing this right…

“She sounds good.” Sonny whispered to me as we watched Morgan record her vocals to ‘All About Us’.

I nodded in response, afraid if I spoke my voice would crack. Every note that hit my ears brought me back to the day we wrote it.

“Morgan, what are you doing?” I said laughing as she grabbed my hand trying to pull me off the couch in the front of her bus.

“I want to dance with you. I love this song.” She said, smiling brightly.

“But I’m not a good dancer.” I said, whining slightly, but still wrapped one arm around her waist and laced my fingers through hers, bringing her closer to me.

Light and happiness danced around her face, centering around her eyes as we swayed back and forth, moving a small circle. “That’s okay, I can teach you.” She said smiling.

“...And there’s something in your smile
That keeps me coming back
And there’s something in your eyes
That makes me melt inside
And there’s something in your words
That makes me feel that I am safe
That makes me know that I’m alive…”

“What song is this?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper, not wanting to break the mood.

“‘Safe’ by the Icarus Account,” She replied in the same voice. “It’s great isn’t it?” She asked, smiling before blacking her head on my shoulder as we continued to dance.

I nodded and placed my head gingerly against hers, closing my eyes. The song was more than great, it was perfect. It explained everything I felt about Morgan. The way she smiled, the way she spoke, the way she laughed – everything she did made me feel more alive than I ever had before. I loved the way she smiled; I loved the way her fingers fit perfectly between mine; I loved the way she thought; I loved how she made me feel; I loved how, whenever she walked into a room, I felt my heartbeat quicken and my stomach twist in enjoyable knots.

“I could’ve used you at Kevin’s wedding.” I began to whisper in her ear. “This whole dancing thing is easier with you real close.”

I felt her smile against my shoulder. “Maybe next time.”

“But why are her eyes closed?” Sonny asked, his voice brining me back to reality.

“She, uh, likes to picture herself in her bedroom when she sings.” I responded, trying to push the memory away.

“Why there?” Tommy whispered from my other side.

“’Cause there she’s alone.”

“She’s still not one hundred percent comfortable singing in front of people.” John elaborated. “But she’s getting better.” He added quickly when he saw the bands’ worried expressions. Honestly, I was nervous too. In a few weeks our single, ‘Let Me Fall for You’, was coming out and tour dates are being announced soon after which meant one thing: promoting. Promoting meant interviews and performances.

…This is a feeling I’ve never felt but
It’s all
It’s all about us

Morgan finished singing and opened her eyes, smiling shyly at us on the other side of the glass. “Was that okay?” She asked softly, her eyes dancing across all of our faces. Her eyes stayed on mine for a moment longer than the other’s. I was never really able to tell what she was thinking entirely; there was always this veil over her eyes, keeping everything inside. But there was one look that she had that I was able to unmask when she felt it, the look of remembrance. She was wearing it now.

“That was good Morgan, I think we got it.” John said into the microphone on the control board.

Morgan smiled, nodding, and took the headphones off her head before walking out of the booth. “Great, because I have to go pick up Jenn at the airport in… a half hour.”

“Jenn’s coming?” I asked.

“Yeah, I invited her to be my ‘plus one’ for Selena’s CD release party tonight since Cameron’s already invited.” She replied as she quickly gathered her things. “I thought I told you this.” Morgan added, turning to me slightly allowing me to see the small smirk that formed on her face.

I racked my brain and came up with nothing. She didn’t tell me, I was a hundred percent sure of it. But, I nodded anyway. “Right, I guess it just slipped my mind.”

She smiled. “Don’t tell Jenn that. Well, I should go. See you guys later.” She said, waving to the band and Ed before quickly walking out the door.

“It didn’t slip your mind, did it?” Sonny asked, staring at the side of my face.

“That obvious?” I asked, sighing as I slunk back into my chair. “I don’t know what happened; she used to tell me everything. And now…”

“And now simple things ‘slip your mind’.” Michael said behind us. “Man, you just have to let it go. You’re growing apart, it happens.”

“But I don’t want to.”

“No one wants to.” John said, placing a hand on my shoulder. “But it happens anyway.”

***

“Nick, let’s go! We’re going to be late if we don’t leave, like now.” Joe yelled at me from my living room.

“I’m coming, relax!” I yelled back, straightening my tie for the last time. “What’s your rush anyway? You didn’t even want to go to this party yesterday.” I said as I walked into the living room where Joe, Kevin, and Danielle were waiting.

“Three of my ex-girlfriends are going to be in the same room, I want to make sure I’m there to defend myself if anything happens.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Nothing is going to happen. Nice shirt Nick.” He said smirking. “Very vibrant.”

“Is that a bad thing?” I asked, glancing down at my outfit. I was wearing a fuchsia collared button-up shirt that I rolled up the sleeves to my elbows with a black tie, pants, and shoes.

“You look fine Nick.” Danielle said smiling sweetly. “But can we leave? I want to see Morgan. I haven’t seen her since tour.”

Joe scoffed. “Why?”

“Joe,” I said in a warning tone.

“What? Why do you care what I say about her Nick? You’re over her.”

I sighed as we walked out of my apartment. “Yeah, but she’s still my friend.” I said. Neither of my brothers knew I still had feelings for Morgan, no one did actually. They all thought I moved on once I started dating Delta.

“Plus Joe, you should at least try to make amends with her. She is in Nick’s band.” Kevin added. “You can’t hold a grudge forever.”

Big Rob was waiting for us in the lobby with the car that was going to take us to the party. It was being held in some club downtown. There was going to be food, drinks (for those of age), dancing as well as a small performance by Selena supposedly. I wasn’t necessarily thrilled to be going, but I did want to see Morgan outside of the studio. Ever since she came back from Canada, I never saw her (and sometimes talk to her) unless we were in the studio. I missed hanging out with her. Thank God Delta is in Australia with family and couldn’t come; I don’t know what I’d do if she did.

There was a line of cars in front of the club, letting their passengers out, as well as a mob of ‘controlled’ paparazzi outside the door snapping picture after picture. Car by car we waited for our turn and we were whisked inside quickly once it was that I was surprised if the paparazzi got a good shot.

Inside you could feel the bass of the song inside your chest. There were lasers and lights illuminating the whole place with 1920s decorations around as well as photos from the CD of Selena projected on the walls. There were a lot of people there already – some eating, some drinking, some dancing – and there were still people walking in behind them.

“This should be interesting.” Joe yelled over the music to me.

I simply nodded in response, noting wanting to scream, as my eyes scanned the crowd.

“Nick!” Someone yelled behind me. I spun around and saw Demi smiling broadly at my brothers and me.

“Hey!” I yelled back, pulling her into a hug. “How are you?”

“I’m good. Hey Kevin, Joe, Danielle.” She said, giving each one a hug. “Glad you guys could come.”

“We wouldn’t miss it. And you look gorgeous Demi.” Danielle said.

I could see a slight blush crawl onto Demi’s cheeks. She was wearing a low cut black dress that fell just above her knees. “Thanks. Have you guys seen Morgan and Jenn? I texted Jenn and she said they were here already and I’ve looked everywhere for them.”

“Haven’t seen them.” Joe said passively. “I’m getting a drink.” He stated before walking away towards the bar.

“We’ll check the dance floor.” Kevin said, taking Danielle’s hand in his and they walked off.

“They’re not coming back are they?” Demi asked.

“I wouldn’t count on it.” I responded laughing. “Come on, I’ll help you look.” I said and we started pushing through the throng of people.

“So how’s recording going?”

“It’s good. We should be finishing up in a few days.”

“And how’s Delta?”

“She’s good. She’s in Australia celebrating her mom’s birthday before you ask.”

“Just good?”

“Yeah… what else should I say?”

Demi should her head. “Nothing, ignore me. There they are.” She said pointing towards one of the tables where the food was before running towards them.

My breath caught slightly in my throat. Morgan looked amazing. She was wearing a purple dress that clung tightly at her curves, defining her waist. Her hair was down and hung in soft waves that flowed down her back.

“Nick! Long time no see!” Jenn yelled, breaking me out of my purple haze.

“It sure has Jenn.” I responded smiling meekly at her. “You look incredible, as do you Morgan.” I said looking between the two girls. My gaze met with Morgan’s briefly as I saw a slow blush creep across her cheeks.

“Thanks Nick. You’re looking quite handsome yourself.” She responded. I noticed Cameron’s grip get tighter around her waist as he pulled her closer to his side as a reminder; she wasn’t mine anymore.

I sighed. “I try.”

“Well, we were just about to go dance. Would you two like to join us?”

“Nah, I’m not much of a dancer.” I responded. But Demi nodded her head enthusiastically, so I was left by myself.

I didn’t talk to Morgan much after that, and never alone. If Jenn or Demi weren’t around her, Cameron was attached to her side with his arm draped around her waist. Mostly, I stood with Joe who sat at the bar sipping his beer as he watched Taylor, Demi, and Morgan dance and laugh together with Jenn and Selena.

“Why aren’t you two enjoying yourselves?” Kevin asked us around nine, two hours into the party.

“We are.” Joe responded and held up his beer. “Free drinks.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “At least socialize with some people, jeez.” He said before grabbing two waters and returned to wherever Danielle was.

It was an hour later before either of us moved.

Through the speakers, the newest LMFAO song was blasting into the club, but Morgan wasn’t dancing with the most of the partygoers. She was leaning against the wall, fanning herself as she attempted to talk to Jenn and Selena. Every once in a while, I noticed her eyes dart past the girls she was talking to across the room to Cameron who was standing with his friends by the food table. Anger filled my stomach. That should be me, I thought. I’m the one who she should be searching for in a crowded room; I’m the one who should be dancing with all night even if I don’t particularly enjoy dancing. As long as she was there, it would be perfect.

Suddenly, the mood shifted. The music switched to a slower song and the dancers immediately paired up or dispersed from the dance floor.

“Ugh, I hate this song. I’m going to the bathroom. Save my seat.” Joe said, hopping off his seat and walked away.

I was barely paying attention as I nodded. As I watched Cameron’s eyes meet Morgan’s my stomach tightened in jealously.

Let’s not pretend you’re alone tonight
I know he’s there and
You’re hanging out and making nice
While across the room he stares

That Mayday Parade song I sang with her on the bus months ago filled my mind. When I sang it with her, I never thought it would come back to me like this and be so relevant. It was just Morgan and Jenn now, Justin and Selena were already in the center of the dance floor.

I bet he gets the never to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance

It seemed like Cameron materialized next to Morgan, he was at her side so quickly, with his hand outstretched towards her.

She’ll say ‘yes’
I know I can live without you but
Without you I’ll be miserable at best

I sank into my seat as she laced her fingers through his and he led her to the dance floor.

“You know, staring isn’t polite.” Someone said next to me suddenly, making me jump.

I spun toward where the voice came from, Joe’s empty seat, to see Jenn smirking at me. “I wasn’t staring.”

She laughed, “Uhuh, and you haven’t been watching Morgan all night.”

I sighed, knowing it was futile to argue with her. “You make me sound like a creep.”

“Honestly, it is a little creepy. But, you only do it ‘cause you still like her.”

“That obvious, huh?”

“Obviously not if I’m the only one who’s noticed, but don’t worry, I’ll keep your secret.”

“I appreciate that. I just feel so horrible.”

“Why?”

I sighed and glanced around quickly. “Hold on.” I said and slip off my seat. “Come with me.” I said and led Jenn to the back of the club and out to the small section used for smokers normally, but empty today.

“And you brought me out here because…?” Jenn asked, watching me curiously as she sat on one of the stone benches.

“So I didn’t have to scream at you or be overheard.” I said and sat next to her. “I feel horrible because I have this gorgeous girlfriend who’s great but I’m still pining after Morgan. And it’s not like I’m not trying to move on, I am. But, I just can’t.”

There was a brief silence before Jenn asked, “Nick, why are you telling me all of this?”

I sighed. “I don’t know.” I said honestly and glanced at her. “I guess because I just figured you would understand.”

“Understand what?”

“That connection Morgan and I had.” I said glancing up at the sky. “She said to me that she’s told me things that you don’t even know and we both know that there had to be some reason for it. If I mentioned that to anyone else, they just wouldn’t understand. You know?”

“Oh, I know.” Jenn agreed as she nodded. “A few years ago, before she moved out here, Morgan had this major crush on this kid Jason. She thought he was cute, funny, smart – all of that good stuff, and he was one of her friends from school. But when he finally gained enough courage to ask her out, she said no. But when one random guy from the baseball team who was also cute and funny and smart asked her out, she said yes.”

“Why?”

Jenn sighed, “Because there was no emotional attachment. In Morgan’s mind, I’ve come to realize, there are only two outcomes for most situations – she gets hurt or they get hurt. If she’s not completely emotionally attached to someone, she won’t get hurt and someone she cares about won’t get hurt either.”

“But what does this have to do with me?”

“Holy crap, seriously? You’re Jason, Nick! Morgan went out with random baseball player for four months before he broke it off. And she didn’t shed a single tear over it! Yeah, she had fun and grew to like him but she wasn’t as emotionally invested as she would have been with Jason.

“And when she started dating you, I finally thought she was beginning to lower these castle walls she built around herself. But then once she was cut off from you completely – both romantically and friendly – she completely reverted back.”

“How’d you figure that?”

“When was the last time she’s talked to you outside of the studio?”

I searched my memory farther than I wanted to. “The day she came back from Canada.”

“See, she’s creating distance, pushing you away. That’s what she does to everyone she thinks she has a remote chance of hurting at all.”

“Then what should I do?”

“Simple. Push back.”

I paused and thought of all the times when I wanted to text her or call her just to say ‘hi’ and didn’t. All of the times when I wanted to ask her to hang out after recording but she was gone before I could ask. It all made sense. “Why are you telling me all this?” I asked.

“I shouldn’t be, I know that. But I think you deserve to know. From what Morgan’s told me, you are one of the only people that she’s opened up to completely and has done nothing to hurt her in return.”

“I would never.”

Jenn smiled. “I know and that’s why I told you.”