I Can Still Be Your Superman

Listen While You Read: Big Lie - Sara Haze

“Hey John,” I said into my phone as I stuffed random things into my satchel and ran around my apartment.

“Good morning Nick. What’s going on?”

“Nothing much, I was just wondering where Morgan was; I’ve tried calling her cell but she hasn’t answered.”

“Oh, she’s already at the studio. She wanted to go early, didn’t tell me why. Aren’t you supposed to be there?” John asked, laughing slightly.

“No not for another few hours, but I wanted to meet earlier. I’ll just head over there now. Thanks John.”

“No problem Nick. I’ll talk to you tomorrow when you and Morgan show us the final CD track listing.”

I snorted a laugh. “Hopefully, it’s done by then. See you later John.” I said and hung up, shoving my phone into my bag. I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked out of my apartment toward the elevator.

As I drove to the studio, I wondered why Morgan was there already. We weren’t supposed to meet for another two hours and the only reason I tried to call her was the move our meeting to an earlier time. Last night I told Delta I wanted to meet up tonight, so I wanted to make sure Morgan and I had enough time to finalize the CD without rushing. But why was she there and why didn’t she tell me?

My mind could think of only one thing – she was recording. I had no idea what, but it was something she didn’t want me to hear. That simple thought made me want to floor it and turn around at the same time. Listening to Morgan sing her own music, her own words always made me feel one step closer to her. It always felt completely raw and real; there were no lies or skirting of the truth, everything she thought and felt about whatever she was singing about was always said. But at the same time, she didn’t tell me she was going which meant she didn’t want me to know whatever she was thinking about. She wanted to keep it behind her wall for her eyes only.

But I wasn’t going to let her keep that wall up. Not again.

I arrived at the door to the studio faster than I usually did, renewed energy flowing through my body. The let red light above the door validated my thoughts and I pushed the door open and closed it as quietly as I could. It didn’t really matter; Morgan was already in the band booth with her eyes closed as she sat behind the grand piano. I could only see her head just above the body of the piano, but I didn’t move as she began to play.

I have a secret, it’s haunting me
Sometimes I wanna tell you
I’m not what I seem
It breaks my heart when I look in your eyes
You see me smile, but I’m alone inside

Happiness depends on the silence that I keep
I know that I should tell you
I can’t bring myself to speak
I’m so disguised, I don’t know what’s true
It kills me when I see what it does to you

It’s a big, big lie
You’re about to see through
And I don’t know why, it’s all I can do
It’s a big, big lie
I’m hiding from you
I don’t love myself, so how can I love you, no oh
How can I love you?

I toss and turn, yeah I can’t sleep
Why am I so lonely when you’re right next to me
It’s building up inside me, I can hardly breathe
You’re lying there so peaceful, I just wanna scream

It’s a big, big lie
You’re about to see through
And I don’t know why, it’s all I can do
It’s a big, big lie
I’m hiding from you
I don’t love myself, so how can I love you, no oh
How can I love you

I keep thinking that you’re gonna hear it
In the words that I don’t say, yeah
Someone tell me how long
Oh, how long can I live my life this way
Yeah, yeah

You’re about to see through
I don’t know why, all I can do
Is lie
I don't why
It's all I can do
It's a big, big lie
I’m hiding from you
I don’t love myself yet, so how can I love you
Oh
How can I love you, no oh
How can I love you, no oh
How can I love you, oh
How can I love you

The instant she finished the song, Morgan pushed a button on a remote in front of her and opened her eyes. Shock rippled across her face as soon as she saw me. “Nick! Wh-what are you doing here?” She said, her voice vibrating against the walls throughout the room.

Hesitantly, I walked across the room forwards the door to the booth, her eyes following my every movement. My mind was running vapid. That song… was it about her and Cameron? Is her past this big secret that she can’t tell him like she told me?

“How long were you standing there?” Morgan asked as soon as I walked into the booth, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Did you hear all of it?”

I nodded.

“Shit,” She hissed and spun back around, throwing her head atop of her arms as they clattered on top of the piano keys causing a miasma of notes to be thrown into the air. “Why are you even here?” She mumbled into her arms barely loud enough for me to hear.

“I wanted to move up our meeting, but when you didn’t answer your phone I called your uncle and he said you were here.” I replied softly as I walked towards her and slid onto the piano bench. “Why are you here?”

She sighed and slowly lifted her head off her arms, but kept her gaze ahead of her. “I wanted to record some stuff for Cameron before he leaves for tour and we get busy with prep and production and stuff.”

“And you’re putting that song on the mix? Seems like an odd choice for a romantic gift.”

A small smile flashed across her face before she shook her head. “No, but whenever I tried to record, I ended up playing the notes for that song. I thought I had enough time to get everything done and get it out of my system before you showed up.” She replied, tilting her head towards me as she smirked.

I smiled bashfully. “Sorry, I didn’t know I’d be interrupting something.” I said and shifted slightly on the bench. “So… you wrote that song?”

Morgan turned her head away again and began to play with the edges of her sleeves. “Yeah, I wrote it a week or so ago.”

Inwardly, I started jumping around in happiness. I was right; she wrote it about her and Cameron. I still had a chance. “Why?”

“I – I don’t think I should tell you.”

“Why not?” I asked. After a few moments of silence, I lifted my hand and took her chin between two of my fingers, pulling her head up towards mine. The faint, shiny outlines of tears stretched down her face as new tears formed in her eyes. “Why not?” I repeated softly.

“Because you know too much already.” She said in a whisper. I sat in shock for a few moments but she continued to speak before I could. “And I’m not saying that I don’t want you to know it.” She said frantically, like it was just pouring out of her mouth and she took her chin out of my hand. “I just mean you know so much and Cameron knows nothing. Whenever we talk about our pasts or whatever, I always spew the same shit I tell everyone. It’s like there’s something between us that keeps me from moving further but he doesn’t even see it because he doesn’t know about it. And I’ve tried to tell him at least a little bit, but every time it stops in my throat and I can’t get it out.”

Morgan took a deep breath before she continued. “Last week, he – he told me he loved me. And you know what I said?”

I shook my head ‘no’, knowing she really didn’t want an answer. But my gut told me it wasn’t ‘I love you too’.

“I said, ‘that’s great’. That’s great!? What is wrong with me Nick? My boyfriend tells me that he loves me and I can’t even say it back and instead say ‘That’s great, but I don’t want to rush things. I really care and like you, but I don’t want to go too fast’. I must be insane, I feel like that’s the only logical explanation.

“And just the pure look of sadness when I didn’t say it back that washed over his face made me feel twenty times worse than I already did. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it because I feel like it would have been…”

“Just a big lie.” I finished for her, putting all of the pieces together.

Morgan nodded and sighed again. “I feel so bad and I have no idea what to do or even what to say to Cameron.”

“Have you talked to him since?”

“Yeah, but it just feels so awkward because all of the things left unsaid.” She threw her hands back onto the piano and placed her head on top. “I always find a way to screw everything up.”

“Morgan, you don’t screw everything up and you didn’t screw this up.” I said, placing my hand on her shoulder. Even though I was glad that I could possibly get my chance to be with her again, I hated seeing her this upset with herself. I had to help her even if it was for the benefit of another guy. “And second, you’re not insane; you did what was right for you. Imagine what you would have felt like if you told Cameron you loved him and didn’t mean it. You’d probably feel guilty because you gave him a false sense of security, and you don’t want to do that because you do care about him.

“I think what you did was what anyone in your position with your past would do. Because your past experiences just make you apprehensive to really trust anyone with your heart one hundred percent because you’re afraid of what might happen. You even told me that you don’t believe in love that’s not family. How can you tell someone you love them if you don’t believe in it?”

I took a deep breath before I cautiously said what else was on my mind. “Or maybe you don’t feel the same way in the first place.”

“What!?” She exclaimed, turning towards me for the first time since I sat down. “Of course I do.”

I shook my head. “You may like him and care about him a lot, but maybe you don’t love him.”

“Well, what is love then?”

I thought for a moment, formulating the answer in my head. Then I looked into Morgan’s eyes and words just began to spill out of my mouth. “Love is when you’d do anything for that person. You’d give up everything to be with them, even if it’s only for five minutes. Love is when just being in their presence fills you up with hope and optimism and happiness. Love is more than just the physical; it’s spiritual, it’s emotional. Without love, you’re always just part of a person, not completely whole. Love is when all those romance songs and ballads make sense. It’s when you start thinking about them for no apparent reason or when you do something as simple as eating cereal because you used to do it with that person. Love is when you picture the future and that person is always by your side no matter how hard you try to picture it without them simply because you can’t imagine a future without them. When you love someone you’d do anything to see them happy.” Even if it means letting them go, I thought.

“You sound like you know what it feels like.” She said softly, not tearing her gaze from mine.

“Yeah, I do.”

“So, you’re in love with Delta?”

“No,” I responded quickly. “No, I’m not in love with Delta. I was in love with this girl I dated before but I was stupid and let her go.” I wanted to tell her that it was she who I was in love with. But something inside stopped me; it wasn’t the right time.

“Then why don’t you try and get her back? It seems like you realize the mistake you made.”

I sighed. “I would, but she’s dating someone else.”

A smirk formed on Morgan’s face. “Then try harder.”

Don’t worry, I thought, I plan to.