I Can Still Be Your Superman

I stood, staring at the stage for I don’t know how long. An hour maybe. It didn’t matter. My head was spinning. I just kept staring at that spot on the stage; that spot where she should be standing right now. The spot where I pushed her to be. Was that why she ran? Was the threat of performing too much? No, she would have told me. But... would she really? I’ve made the mistake of hearing but not listening before, had I done it again?

John was frantic. The police showed up to set up a missing person report or something. But she wasn’t missing, I kept thinking, she was running.

I felt my phone vibrate in my hand and I immediately answered. “Cameron?”

“Nick, I just got off the phone with her. She’s fine.” Cameron said. He sounded relieved, but that didn’t help at all. I knew she would be okay. I just want to know where she was.

“Did she tell you where she is?”

“She just kept saying she was home.”

“But she’s not!” I roared.

“No shit, but she didn’t say anything more.” He growled back at me.

“You just didn’t ask the right questions.” I mumbled to myself; this was not the time to get in an argument with the one person that Morgan’s talked to within the last twenty-four hours. “You’re positive she didn’t say anything else.”

“Nothing that concerns you.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose in aggravation and sighed. “Okay, thanks Cameron.”

“Nick!” John yelled and waved me over to him and one of the cops.

“Yeah?” I asked once I reached them, shoving my phone in my pocket.

“Officer Callahan said that they found Morgan’s car at LAX. Do you have any idea why?” John asked.

I racked my brain. LAX? Why would she -

“She went home.” I muttered softly. Of course she did. She went back to the one place she always felt safe, the once place that always welcomed her back. I looked at John and the officer. “I know where she went.”

***

It took very little to persuade John to let me go to New Jersey with him to find Morgan, getting Jenn to tell me where Morgan was hiding was a completely different story.

“Come on Jenn, me and John are worried sick.” I moaned into the phone’s microphone as the plane we were on flew over the eastern part of the country, only an hour left until Jersey.

“I know you both are, but she made me promise not to tell you. She’s scared and confused and what she needs right now is someone to help her.” Jenn repeated for the fourth time. “I’ve told you as much as I can; she’s safe and that’s all that matters.”

I sighed, running a hand over my face in exhaustion. “You don’t understand Jenn, I think... I think I’m the reason she ran away.” I took a deep breath before I continued. “A few weeks ago -”

“She told me what happened.” Jenn interjected before I explained. “And you are a reason she ran, but probably not for the reason you think, and you’re not the only reason either.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nick, I really wish I could help, but you need to talk to her.”

“I’ve been trying to! She keeps ignoring me and has been for the past few weeks. That’s why I need you to tell me where she is!”

“You know where she is Nick.” She growled, obviously irritated with me. “You just need to think.” Without another word, she hung up.

I shoved my phone in my pocket angrily and stared out the window. If I knew where she was, I wouldn’t be looking everywhere for her right now, I wanted to tell Jenn. I wanted to make her tell me where Morgan was. I may know she’s ‘home’ but home in Jersey was never permanent. So where could that be?

“Jenn was no help?” John asked, walking up behind me and sat in the opposite seat.

I shook my head. “No, she didn’t know anything helpful.”

John sighed. “I should have known this would happen.”

I looked at him, confused. “What do you mean?”

“When Julia first adopted Morgan, I thought she was insane. It wasn’t Morgan or anything, but she was Julia’s first child so I always thought she would want someone... younger, I guess. But she said that as soon as she saw Morgan, she fell in love with her - something in her eyes, she said. She said that, even after everything Morgan went through, all the homes and horrors, there was still a spark of hope in Morgan’s eyes, like ‘maybe this woman will be different’ kind of hope.

“I saw that the first time I met Morgan a few months later. She was not really talkative, but there was this life inside her that just shone through.

“Then, a few weeks later, she just disappeared. She just up and ran in the middle of the night. My sister was beside herself when she found out the next morning.” She checked everywhere and still couldn’t find her. She was about to call the cops when Morgan walked through the front door.

“Apparently, it wasn’t the first time she ran, but it was the first time she went back.”

“Where did she go?”

John shrugged. “No idea. Julia asked, but all Morgan said was ‘to think’ and never anything more. You know how she can be, she won’t tell you -”

“Unless she wants you to.” I finished for him. “I’ve heard that one before.”

A small smile appeared on John’s face. “Yeah, I bet you have. So tell me, have you told her you love her yet?”

I stared at him, mouth gaping, as I tried to form some sort of response.

He started laughing. “Don’t look at me like that, I see the way you look at her. It’s no surprise really, I figured it out ages ago. But, I’m taking your stunned silence as a no. I assume.”

I sighed and sunk back into my seat, there was no use denying it now. “No, I haven’t and I’m not going to. Not yet, anyway.”

“Why not? There’s no time like present, as they say.”

“John, she’s dating Cameron who’s told her those same three words, and she’s probably said them back to him by now. I’m not going to stick my neck out when it’ll get sliced immediately.”

“I’m not so sure that would happen. I never heard her say it at all, have you?”

I thought about it quickly and shook my head. “No, but I’m still not going to make her choose. It would kill her.” I said quietly, thinking about the marks on her wrists that were burned in my memory. I never want to be the cause for those scars.

“Morgan has a big heart.” John started, leaning forward in his chair. “Guarded, but big. She hates to see the people she cares about hurt, especially when it’s by her own hand; I know you know this. However, there will come a time where she’ll have to put her happiness above another’s and she’ll have to decide, but she needs to know if who she wants, wants her back.”

***

Morgan’s POV

I sat in Eileen’s car for ten minutes before I decided to get out, just staring out the front windshield. When I left this morning, I didn’t think it would be this hard to walk twenty feet, but it was and I had to do it before I went back - back to my new home, where I belong.

“You know Morgan, you can’t keep running and coming here like you have.”

That’s what Eileen said to me as soon as she saw me standing on her doorstep two days ago. And I know she’s right, but this place was the one place that was always there. Through all the confusion, heartache, abuse... the orphanage was the once place I could always go back to and know someone would be there for me.

Sighing heavily, I pushed opened the car door and slid out into the humid air. It was extremely hot for the end of July, even by New Jersey standards, but the threat of rain loomed heavily, though it had been for days and still hadn’t rained a single drop. I tugged at the sleeves of my sweatshirt (despite the head, I wore it - it was the only thing I had) as I walked across the lawn to where the plaque was sitting. It wasn’t really a plaque, but it’s real name was too morbid.

It was covered in dust and dirt and the grass around it started to inch across the surface from it’s years of sitting in the ground. I sat right in front of it and starred at it’s surface.

"Chelsea Daly

August 24, 1968 - April 16, 1999”

It read in metal attached to it’s marble surface. Twelve years ago, I lost everything and that plaque in the ground was the only thing I had. I’d been running ever since.

“I still can’t believe you left me.” I muttered to myself, a lump forming in my throat. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, placing my head on top. “Why did you?” I felt tears form as I continued to stare at the marble slab. If I asked that question a few days ago, I probably wouldn’t have come up with an answer.

But now, ... now I think I did.

“You know Morgan, you can’t keep running away and coming here like you have.” Eileen said as soon as she opened the front door, a motherly smile on her lips.

I smiled bashfully and glanced down at my shoes. “I know, but I had no where else to go.”

She walked towards me and wrapped me in a hug. “Come inside; tell me what’s wrong.”

I nodded into her shoulder before releasing my grip and followed her inside. I was immediately hit with the scent of Eileen’s famous meatballs and my stomach growled in response.

Eileen laughed. “I’ll make you a plate, there’s a little leftover. You know where the dining room is.” She said and disappeared to the kitchen without my response.

The house was eerily quiet, I noticed, as I walked the familiar halls. Though, most of the kids were probably outside enjoying the last of the day’s sunlight in the backyard. I wondered what happened to Kylie, Amanda, Steven, all of the kids that were still here when I left... the only person I kept in touch with was Jenn. I wondered if they were adopted; if they were happy.

“You know, you are sitting in the same spot at this table, even after all these years.” Eileen said, appearing with a plate of spaghetti and meatballs.

“Force of habit, I guess.” I said, a sad smile on my face before digging into the pasta.

She eyed me carefully for a few moments before speaking. “How are things going with Jenn? Does she like being with Kathryn and Daniel?”

“Jenn’s good, she’s not complaining, so I’m taking it as a good sign.”

“I’m glad the two of you stayed in touch after you left.”

I nodded. “Well, after everything we’ve been through, three thousand miles are nothing.”

Eileen laughed. “That is true. How do you like it out there?”

“It’s been...” I paused briefly, trying to pick the right words. “Life changing.” I finally said, but even then they didn’t seem like the right ones.

She nodded. “I’ll say. We’ve been keeping tabs on you, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“One of the girls here, Stacey, you remember her, she’s a really big Jonas Brothers fan, and last year, she came running home from school with this print out of a picture of you and Nick Jonas eating lunch at some burger place in L.A. When she saw it she thought it was you, so she brought it to me. I recognized you immediately. Since then, we’ve kept an eye on you, rooting for you every step of the way.”

I pushed the last of my spaghetti around my plate. “That means a lot, really. Sometimes it gets really lonely out there, even with all the people. It’s nice to know my home is still there for me.”

She reached out and rubbed my arm, “And we always will be. You are an idol to these kids, Morgan. You are a reminder that, even though they’re not in the greatest situation right now, they can still follow their dreams. They can still make it. You give them hope.”

I looked up at her, dumbfounded. “I had no idea I was that... influential.”

“You never did. Even while you were here, you were a role model; someone who still made the best of things no matter what. You always thought you were the problem, the reason why bad things happened. But you weren’t and you’re still not. You are the ray of sunshine beaming through the clouds. You embody hope and the potential for things to change for the better.”

“But I keep hurting people.” I mumbled.

“No, you don’t. The only person you keep hurting is yourself because you keep running. Now, I don’t know if the reason why you ran this time is because you’re running away from something or running away from someone you want, but I do know one thing. I know you’re scared. You, finally, are getting something that you’ve wanted you’re whole life and opening your heart to people in ways you never thought you could, and you’re utterly petrified. And I completely understand, I would be too, but you have to stop using your fear as an excuse to run away. You need to stop running and use that fear to drive yourself forward, or else you’ll never move on.”

I stared at the plaque a little longer. “You left to propel me further.” My entire life I’d been trying to go back to the time when I was with my family and happy, that I kept running from anything that was different from what I imagined. It was time to stop running back, and move forward.

Quickly, the sky opened up and large raindrops fell heavily, but I didn’t move right away. I looked down at my mother’s name and lifted two fingers to my lips and down to the cool marble. “I love you.” I said and ran to the car.