Nothing Left to Lose

Brian opened the door and walked in.
I went strait for the livingroom and dropped
myself on the couch and buried my face in a pillow.
“I hate my life.”
I said, mumbling.

“Come on, Tay. It’s not that bad. Besides, he was a douche.”
Brian said and I felt his hand on my back.

“I know. I realise that now but.. I thought that we could
make this work, you know?”
I said, facing Brian.

“Mhm.”
he said, sitting down on the floor.

“And the stupid thing is that I even neglected you guys for him
and I feel so shitty about it.”
I said, more tears finding there way down.

“It’s okay, Tay. We all understand.”
Brian said, his hand on my arm.

“No, it’s not okay. You guys are all I have and I
totally ditched you for some guy.”
I said, sniffing.

“Taylor, we’ve all been there. If you fall in love with someone,
you want to spend all your time with that person and it’s
normal to feel that way.”
he seemed to understand but I couldn’t help to feel
guilty about it.

“Still. I suck.”
I said, determined to make him agree with me.

“No, you don’t. But if you believe you do, fine.
I know you enough not to push the subject.”
he smirked, and wiped a strand of hair out of my face.
"So what was he talking about?"

I sighed and closed my eyes.
"He strongly believes that we have something going on
behind his back. He doesn't trust me around you. So when
he saw us leaving together, he started yelling stupid shit."

"Hm. It would be nice payback."
Brian said, shrugging.

I laughed and looked at Brian.
"It would be easier, you know? You know everything
about me and I'm not ashamed of anything. Plus, you're
actually a nice guy. It would be nice for a change."
I said, turning on myself over, so I was lying on my back.

"And then there's the thing about the jealousy. I always
get guys who are jealous and can't handle it when I talk to you,
let alone hug you or whatever. If I'd be with you, you'd know
that if I hugged Jimmy, there was nothing going on. Right?"
I asked him, staring at the ceiling.

"Of course. Unlike the other guys you've dated, I trust you.
But we're not going out."
Brian said, his hand on my arm, now gently caressing the skin.

"I know. Sorry, I'm rambling about nothing."
I said, frowning now.
Why would I even think of Brian and me dating?
He was my best friend, I couldn't just throw that away.

"Have you seriously thought about it?"
Brian asked after a few minutes.

"About what?"
I asked, my thoughts somewhere else already.

"About us. As a couple, I mean."
he said.
I turned my head towards him and saw him staring
at his hand before looking up at me.

"When we just met, yes. I was head over heels for you."
I admitted, feeling a blush coming on my cheeks.

Brian smiled and raised his eyebrows.
"Were you, now?"

"Yeah, all I could think about was you. But you know,
I kind of let that go."
I said, facing the ceiling again, also smiling a bit.

"Why?"
he wanted to know.

"Because I didn't think you were interested in me like that.
So I got over you some time ago. I had to, I was driving myself nuts.
Every hug, every kiss on the cheek meant so much to me.
And I knew you only did it because you were my friend. So I decided
to suck it up and see you as one. And I did."
I said, shrugging.

"You should've told me, Tay."
Brian said, his head on his knees now.

"It wouldn't have made a difference and I would only
try to avoid you as much as I could and I didn't want that
to happen. I wanted to spend as much time with you as I
could."
I confessed, feeling like a schoolgirl.

Somehow, I was scared to tell him how I'd felt about him,
all those years ago. The worst part was that a part of me never
really got over him. That's why I started dating other guys, to see
if they could mean as much to me as Brian did.
No one ever did.

Brian didn't say anything but instead, got up and grabbed my hand.
"Come on, let's get some sleep."

"Oh, that sounds so good."
I said, standing up and walking up the stairs to the bedroom.

Brian pulled me inside of his bedroom and I was confused.
"Shouldn't I be sleeping in a guestroom? You have, like, three
or something."

"Nope, you're staying with me tonight."
he said, pulling of his tshirt and walking over to his bathroom.

"Eerm. Okay. Can I borrow a tshirt, then?"
I asked, pulling my shirt off as well.
Brian had seen me in my bikini so I didn't
mind one bit if he saw me in my bra. It was pretty much
the same thing.

"Yeah, I think I have one that's too short for me,
I'll get it in a minute."
he half-yelled back from the bathroom.

When he came back, he walked over to his dresser and
started to dig through his drawers.

"Heyyy there it is."
he said, pulling out a Pantera shirt that looked too small
for him indeed.

He walked over and gave it to me.
"Thanks, Bri. For everything."
I said, before walking towards the bathroom and
changing into the tshirt.

When I came back to the bedroom, Brian was already
under the covers, doing something on his phone.

"Oh, crap! I have to call Matt to tell him that we left!"
I said, running over to my jeans but Brian stopped me.

"What do you think I'm doing now, loser!"
he yelled.

"You're a loser, prick."
I said, walking back and crawling under the covers as well.

"But a loser you love."
he said, smirking, still facing his phone.

"Most of the time."
I responded, lying on my left side, facing Brian.

His mouth opened in fake shock and then he looked at me.
"Always."

"I'm not so sure, Bri. I mean, if you start calling me a loser.."
I said, facing my nails.

"You always love me, though. You might not always like me, but
there's a difference."
he said, placing his phone on the nightstand.

I laughed and shook my head.
"Fine, you win."

"I always do."
Brian said, while turning on his right side to face me as well.

"I beg to differ."
I said, rolling my eyes.

Brian smiled and looked me in the eyes.
I felt a little self conscious so I turned on my back again.

"Are you really over me?"
Brian asked, after a few seconds of silence.

I opened my mouth to say yes but just when I was about to,
I knew I couldn't lie to him like that.

"I'm not sure."
I said, frowning.
"I always find guys who are nothing like you and we always break
up because they see how we look at eachother. I guess that means that
I'm not entirely over you."

"That's a good thing, though. 'cause I'm not over you,
either."
Brian said, making me face him with shock on my face.

"Excuse me?"
I asked.

"I've liked you, too. Before, I couldn't tell you when. A few years
after we met, I guess. Anyway, that's when you started to date
other guys and that resulted in me not telling you how I felt."
he said, rolling on his back now.

"And you're almost giving me shit about not telling
you how I felt! You're a moron."
I said, shoving against his arm.

"You felt the same way before I did! So you should've said something
first, then I could've told you how I felt."
he said, smirking.

"That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard, Bri."
I responded, wiping my eyes.

"Matt's been hounding me about how good we'd be together,
did you know that?"
Brian asked.

"Hm, weird because Jimmy was telling me the same thing."
I said, shaking my head.
"Those guys.."

"Yeah.."
Brian just said, turning around again.
"Hey Tay..?"

"Hmm?"
I turned around as well.

"Do you think that.. Would it be okay if I kissed you?"
Brian asked, looking slightly nervous.

I closed my eyes for a few seconds before deciding.
"Yeah. Yeah, that would be okay."

"You sure?"
he wanted to know.

"Yes, I am."
I responded, before he moved closer towards me.

When his lips touched mine, it was gentle and soft, even a little
hesitant. Then the feeling was gone.

I let out a breath I didn't realised I'd held in and opened my eyes.
Brian was looking at me, looking at how I'd respond to him.

"Did you think it was weird?"
he asked, wiping some hair from my face.
He was still very close to me and I loved it.

"No, I didn't. It was nice, actually."
I said, before leaning in again.
This time, when our lips touched, I put more pressure
on them and I felt Brian do the same.
After a little while, I let my tongue caress his bottom lip
and Brian didn't hesitate to fight with my tongue for dominance.

He was half on top of me, his hands on my hips while mine were
around his neck.
His right hand slowly made it's way up and he wrapped it around my
back, pulling me on top of him.

I bit his bottom lip softly, what made him moan softly.
Trying to catch my breath, I sat up, straddling Brian.

"That was intense."
I said, shocked at what just happened.

"Very. Holy shit."
Brian said, also sitting up.
"So, what now?"

"I don't know."
I responded, placing my hand against Brian's cheek.
"I love where this is going but.. I wanna take things semi-slow."

"Semi-slow?"
Brian asked, kissing my neck.

"Shit, Brian. Could you please not do that? I'm really
turned on but I don't want this to be a regret later."
I said, smiling.

"Well, I won't regret anything."
he said, smirking.

"Shut up. You know what I mean."
I said, shoving him a little.
"I want this to happen, I do. But.."

I wanted to find the right words to tell him but somehow,
they were all a blur in my head.

"You don't want us to jump into something when we're not
sure how we feel about each other."
Brian said, smiling.

"Yes! I meant to say something like that."
I was relieved he understood what I meant.

"Sure, we'll take it semi-slow. I can still kiss you, right?"
he asked, with his eyes wide.

"Kissing is very much okay. I think I'd have to kick your ass
if you didn't, actually. I like the way you kiss me."
I said, smiling and pecking his lips gently.

"Good. 'cause I feel like kissing you all night."
Brian brought my lips to his and without breaking the kiss,
laid back on the bed.

My head was blank but before we finally fell asleep,
a smile crept onto my face. Brian and I had been best friends but
now it seemed to go in another direction.
I was a little scared of what that would do to our friendship but
I had a feeling that things between Brian and I would work out for
the better. I grabbed Brian's hand in mine and intwined our fingers.
I fell asleep, feeling like the luckiest girl in the world.