Secrets of a Teenage Dirtbag

Pressing a wad of toilet paper to my wrist, I sprinted out of the bathroom in the upstairs hall and into my room, locking the door behind me. Tanya had made chocolate chip pancakes this morning and I hadn't gotten a minute to myself to purge. My system was simple. If I ate badly, I had to get the food out of my body before it could do any damage. If I failed, I had to be punished. I winced as I lifted the bloodied toilet paper from my wrist, discarding it in the waste paper basket by my bed. I hadn't gone deep, but that didn't stop it from stinging like a bitch.

Behind me, the doorknob jiggled, making me jump. "Um…Jasey?" It was Alex on the other side.

"Yeah?" I tried to sound casual as I scrambled to find something to cover up with. The closest thing was the zip-up hoodie I'd hung on the bedpost. I'd been wearing it around the house a lot, mostly because it was big and loose. With sweat forming on my brow, I opened the door.

"Whoa, you look like you just ran four miles," Alex laughed, looking me over.

"Oh, yeah…I was just dancing," I said, tugging at the cuff of my sweatshirt. The skin was raw and burning, but at least the bleeding had stopped.

"I didn't hear any music," he teased.

"That's because I was wearing headphones. Now what did you want?" I quickly changed the subject.

He held up a dog leash and plastic bag. "Care to join me?"

It was a sunny Tuesday afternoon. Alex and I were walking through the neighborhood in comfortable silence as Gigi lead the way. I could feel the sun beating down on me with every step I took. I desperately wanted to tear off my sweatshirt for some relief, but buried my fists into my pockets instead. Just a few more blocks, I thought. I had to keep going.

"I can't believe Tanya didn't tell me you had a band," I blurted out, figuring talking might take my mind off the sweltering June heat.

"She thinks of it as more of a hobby I guess," he shrugged as he yanked lightly on Gigi's leash, steering her away from one of the neighbor's garbage cans.

"It's more than that to you?" I asked.

"Oh yeah. We've been playing together since ninth grade. We've done house shows and some local clubs." His eyes lit up as he spoke.

"Wow, you guys sound really serious about this," I raised my eyebrows, impressed.

"I love it. Making music is all I want to do. My mom's been on my back about SATs and college, but I just can't see myself doing the whole college thing, you know?" Alex said, turning to me. I nodded. It must've been nice having some kind of idea of where you wanted to go in life. I'd never had a big dream pushing me to do anything. I just went through the motions, hoping I didn't screw up too badly.

"Well if you love it that much, you should stick with the music. You guys are actually pretty good," I said, referring to the other day when I'd watched his band practice.

He shook his head dismissively. "That was nothing. You should come to one of our shows. You'll be our first VIP," he added.

"What an honor!" I brought my hand to my chest, pretending to be choked up. "But what about Jack's girlfriend? He's never taken her to a show?"

Alex stopped short for a second. "Jack's girlfriend? Oh that's funny."

"What? You don't like her or something?" I asked, confused.

"Oh, no I'm sure she's lovely. And filled with love and fairy dust like all other mythical creatures." Alex continued walking.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I scrunched my eyebrows together.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he countered. "Jack doesn't have a girlfriend. Relationships aren't really his thing."

"Oh." I felt embarrassed now. "Who was that girl at his house then? She was giving me the death glare when Jack was talking to me."

"That's Tiffany. They're…friendly, if you know what I mean," he paused. "She can be a little possessive, but don't worry about her. I'm sure she'll be gone soon," he went on as if it were okay for Jack to just toss one girl aside for the next. I hoped Alex didn't share the same philosophy.

"So, how's your Mom?" he moved on.

I swallowed hard; surprised that Tanya hadn't told him everything. He probably didn't know about all the awful things she'd said to me. He didn't know about the drinking or the drugs or the unpaid electricity bills. In his mind, she was still the sweet woman who used to bake cookies whenever he'd come over.

"She's um…she's okay." I felt my heart thud against my chest as I talked about my mom. I didn't want to lie. I didn't want to protect her image. But if Tanya hadn't said anything, I figured I shouldn't either.

"Must be weird for her. You know, being all alone now," he said. I clenched my fists in my pockets, hating that he felt sorry for her. At least he knew my dad's story. Tanya couldn't have kept that a secret after social services got a hold of her instead of him.

I scoffed. "I'm sure she's doing just fine."

He looked at me funny. "What makes you say that?"

Like an angel sent from God, a familiar-looking car drove up to us before I could answer. It was sporty and black. I suddenly remembered seeing it parked in Jack's driveway.

"Hey!" The driver's window rolled down and lo and behold, Jack stuck his head out to greet us. "Hi Jasey," he grinned, eyeing me through his sunglasses. I waved and looked down at Gigi, who was sniffing around the front wheel of the car. Jack turned back to Alex. "My parents are out tonight so I'm having some people over. You should come around nine."

"How long are your parents gone for?" Alex asked, thinking it over.

"Won't be back till tomorrow," Jack replied, smiling even wider now.

"Sweet! We'll be there."

Jack mentioned something about bringing cups and ice and I tried my best to block out his voice. I wasn't sure how long we'd been standing there, but the heat was starting to get worse and I just wanted to go inside.

"Okay cool," Alex's voice snapped me back into the conversation. It sounded like Jack was leaving.

"See you later," Jack said, rolling his window back up. I could've sworn he was looking at me before he shifted into drive and sped off down the street.