Sequel: Hold Me Down ›
Autumn's Monologue.
Even The Best Fall Down Sometimes.
“No.”
I hadn’t said that above a whisper. I didn’t want him to deny what had happened—he’d ultimately be denying me and that, that I could not stand.
“Then what the hell do you want Mikey? It was like for the longest time you wouldn’t even look in my direction and now, now I’ve marked you, we’ve kissed and we both liked it. For the longest time I liked you—you, that geeky kid that marched to his own drum. You didn’t give a rat’s ass what everyone thought of you, you remained oblivious to what was going on around you—by choice or you just were that naïve.”
I was shocked, I was expecting this huge blow out that ended in another possible kiss—not this.
“In a span of a day you’ve become some cocky asshole; no one likes assholes Mikey—no one, but I still find myself falling for you. For some twisted reason this bastard side of you makes me want you more, but I’m not giving in this time, not like earlier. I can’t and I won’t. I’ve probably ruined what was the best relationship I’ll ever have because I gave in to a mere few moments oflust. Thanks.”
He just walked away—got up and walked away—and I let him. I just sat there, even after I heard the front door open and close, the sound of a car start and fade off into the distance.
I could’ve said anything and yet I said nothing. No. I couldn’t even tell him that I wanted him, I couldn’t even blurt out that he’s what’s doing this to me—he’s what makes me want to be anything, everything and nothing all at the same time.
I couldn’t look at him, I was always too afraid he’d be able to see just how much I feel for him—after yesterday I realize he could’ve. He liked that I chose to ignore the idiocy of my peers, that I was the geekiest kid he knew.
He liked me. I made him ruin someone else’s day, week, month, possibly life. The best relationship he’s ever had has been a long distance one? He’s had plenty of relationships—all of which have ended horribly due to his partner cheating.
What have I done? I let him do the one thing he’s had done to him over and over again—I aided in him cheating on someone who probably deserves him. I helped him become the one he hates—I let him.
“What did you do?”
I turned to see my brother, hands on his hips, Ray’s arms across his chest—why am I the bad guy? Right, our friend is gone and they heard him leave. I could only look at them, pure regret etched onto my face.
“Mikey, what did you do?”
I felt their eyes on me, questioning what just happened—now and earlier. I felt my eyes filling with unshed tears—I let them fall. Neither moved to comfort me as the reality of what happened sank in.
I was the other man. I could’ve stopped him but I didn’t, I let him kiss me, straddle me, mark me. I also knew that it was more than just lust—for either of us; feelings where there, feelings were involved. I had helped ruin what could have been the best thing in my life.
I hadn’t said that above a whisper. I didn’t want him to deny what had happened—he’d ultimately be denying me and that, that I could not stand.
“Then what the hell do you want Mikey? It was like for the longest time you wouldn’t even look in my direction and now, now I’ve marked you, we’ve kissed and we both liked it. For the longest time I liked you—you, that geeky kid that marched to his own drum. You didn’t give a rat’s ass what everyone thought of you, you remained oblivious to what was going on around you—by choice or you just were that naïve.”
I was shocked, I was expecting this huge blow out that ended in another possible kiss—not this.
“In a span of a day you’ve become some cocky asshole; no one likes assholes Mikey—no one, but I still find myself falling for you. For some twisted reason this bastard side of you makes me want you more, but I’m not giving in this time, not like earlier. I can’t and I won’t. I’ve probably ruined what was the best relationship I’ll ever have because I gave in to a mere few moments oflust. Thanks.”
He just walked away—got up and walked away—and I let him. I just sat there, even after I heard the front door open and close, the sound of a car start and fade off into the distance.
I could’ve said anything and yet I said nothing. No. I couldn’t even tell him that I wanted him, I couldn’t even blurt out that he’s what’s doing this to me—he’s what makes me want to be anything, everything and nothing all at the same time.
I couldn’t look at him, I was always too afraid he’d be able to see just how much I feel for him—after yesterday I realize he could’ve. He liked that I chose to ignore the idiocy of my peers, that I was the geekiest kid he knew.
He liked me. I made him ruin someone else’s day, week, month, possibly life. The best relationship he’s ever had has been a long distance one? He’s had plenty of relationships—all of which have ended horribly due to his partner cheating.
What have I done? I let him do the one thing he’s had done to him over and over again—I aided in him cheating on someone who probably deserves him. I helped him become the one he hates—I let him.
“What did you do?”
I turned to see my brother, hands on his hips, Ray’s arms across his chest—why am I the bad guy? Right, our friend is gone and they heard him leave. I could only look at them, pure regret etched onto my face.
“Mikey, what did you do?”
I felt their eyes on me, questioning what just happened—now and earlier. I felt my eyes filling with unshed tears—I let them fall. Neither moved to comfort me as the reality of what happened sank in.
I was the other man. I could’ve stopped him but I didn’t, I let him kiss me, straddle me, mark me. I also knew that it was more than just lust—for either of us; feelings where there, feelings were involved. I had helped ruin what could have been the best thing in my life.