Sequel: Hold Me Down ›
Autumn's Monologue.
Your Love Is A Lie
I never thought I’d live to see the day where my brother could ruin a song—but he did. Boy did he ruin a song. As soon as I heard the opening notes to ‘Summer Nights’ I knew we were done for; especially having Frank sing Danny’s parts while Gee sang Sandy’s.
To say Ray and I wanted to stab our ears repeatedly, rip out our ear-drums or whatever the hell makes us hear was an understatement. For two guys who have rather decent voices, they completely murdered that song—then again, this was about fun wasn’t it?
In my tipsy state I was too anal about how proper the songs should sound that I was forced to sit out a few songs till I cooled off. With their rendition of this song, I was anything but cooling down.
“That’s not how it goes!”
Every outburst I had the more they would seem to screw it up—on purpose I’m sure; but who would want to murder such an unambiguous song? I’d like to think—and hope—in my sober state I won’t be so anal about the rendition of such an over-used song.
Once they hit that ridiculous ending note—which made my ears bleed mind you—I jumped up declaring I was going out to smoke. Not the best of habits but after hearing that you’d need a smoke too.
In my inebriated condition I was unaware that I had just blurted my biggest secret to the three people who meant the most to me; thank Bert for this habit. He’s a mixture between Ray and Frank and I needed a replacement while they were gone from my life—sue me for making a friend.
“What else has that bastard made you do?”
I turned around, exhaling the soothing poison as it ran through my lungs and out through my nose.
“Why do you care?”
The venom present in my voice let him know I wasn’t going to play some shitty game of cat and mouse tonight; we weren’t going to go in circles. He was either going to be straight up or he could turn and walk away.
“I, I…”
I took another puff of my cigarette, exhaling the smoke away from his face, letting my body adjust to its much needed calming fix. I just glared at him; if he wanted some fluffy reunion he had another thing coming.
“I get I let you do the one thing you hated, I could’ve stopped you but if you want to play that card, that was a two-way street my friend. If you want to point fingers, we’re both to blame; say what you want to say or go back inside and leave me alone.”
I didn’t know where this inner asshole was coming from—the same one that caused him to walk away from me in the fist place. This time, however, I wasn’t going to regret this conversation.
He was fighting with himself, I could tell that much. I could still read every emotion flashing through his eyes. The only emotion present in my own was that of pure curiosity—I wanted to know what he had to say.
“Mikes, I, when I found out that, that he had done things with you, beenintimate with you, I lost it. I, I didn’t know what to do. The moment he asked me to explain the name I uttered I knew, I knew he knew you.”
He looked down, shuffling his feet on the ground before meeting my eyes again.
“I shouldn’t have walked away from you that night and I am sorry for doing so. At the time I had an amazing relationship, one that didn’t involve my partner cheating on me—I had to ruin it and become the cheater, leaving him where I had been for the past four relationship I’ve had. I did that to someone, I ruined someone’s life all for a few moments of lust.”
That’s all I was—all I’ll ever be. I get it now. He doesn’t love me, he never has.
“I’ve heard enough Frank. I’m not what you want; I get it, no need to rub it in some more.”
With that I turned and walked away from my house, ignoring the pleas to come back—in the middle of the night—I didn’t care. I was beginning to sober up, I’d remember this—the exact moment I wanted to drink away in the first place. No amount of alcohol could erase what just happened from my memory—none.
To say Ray and I wanted to stab our ears repeatedly, rip out our ear-drums or whatever the hell makes us hear was an understatement. For two guys who have rather decent voices, they completely murdered that song—then again, this was about fun wasn’t it?
In my tipsy state I was too anal about how proper the songs should sound that I was forced to sit out a few songs till I cooled off. With their rendition of this song, I was anything but cooling down.
“That’s not how it goes!”
Every outburst I had the more they would seem to screw it up—on purpose I’m sure; but who would want to murder such an unambiguous song? I’d like to think—and hope—in my sober state I won’t be so anal about the rendition of such an over-used song.
Once they hit that ridiculous ending note—which made my ears bleed mind you—I jumped up declaring I was going out to smoke. Not the best of habits but after hearing that you’d need a smoke too.
In my inebriated condition I was unaware that I had just blurted my biggest secret to the three people who meant the most to me; thank Bert for this habit. He’s a mixture between Ray and Frank and I needed a replacement while they were gone from my life—sue me for making a friend.
“What else has that bastard made you do?”
I turned around, exhaling the soothing poison as it ran through my lungs and out through my nose.
“Why do you care?”
The venom present in my voice let him know I wasn’t going to play some shitty game of cat and mouse tonight; we weren’t going to go in circles. He was either going to be straight up or he could turn and walk away.
“I, I…”
I took another puff of my cigarette, exhaling the smoke away from his face, letting my body adjust to its much needed calming fix. I just glared at him; if he wanted some fluffy reunion he had another thing coming.
“I get I let you do the one thing you hated, I could’ve stopped you but if you want to play that card, that was a two-way street my friend. If you want to point fingers, we’re both to blame; say what you want to say or go back inside and leave me alone.”
I didn’t know where this inner asshole was coming from—the same one that caused him to walk away from me in the fist place. This time, however, I wasn’t going to regret this conversation.
He was fighting with himself, I could tell that much. I could still read every emotion flashing through his eyes. The only emotion present in my own was that of pure curiosity—I wanted to know what he had to say.
“Mikes, I, when I found out that, that he had done things with you, beenintimate with you, I lost it. I, I didn’t know what to do. The moment he asked me to explain the name I uttered I knew, I knew he knew you.”
He looked down, shuffling his feet on the ground before meeting my eyes again.
“I shouldn’t have walked away from you that night and I am sorry for doing so. At the time I had an amazing relationship, one that didn’t involve my partner cheating on me—I had to ruin it and become the cheater, leaving him where I had been for the past four relationship I’ve had. I did that to someone, I ruined someone’s life all for a few moments of lust.”
That’s all I was—all I’ll ever be. I get it now. He doesn’t love me, he never has.
“I’ve heard enough Frank. I’m not what you want; I get it, no need to rub it in some more.”
With that I turned and walked away from my house, ignoring the pleas to come back—in the middle of the night—I didn’t care. I was beginning to sober up, I’d remember this—the exact moment I wanted to drink away in the first place. No amount of alcohol could erase what just happened from my memory—none.