Autumn's Monologue.

As the steaming hot water cascaded down my back, running down my face, the patterns disrupted by my hair, I felt my muscles relax—I felt at ease. The sadness and fear that overwhelmed me—rendering me unable to sleep last night seemed to spill down the drain with the water.

I sank to my knees, the waters till fogging up the stall, steam building up around me—my tears mingling with the water streaming down my face. I couldn’t do this; I couldn’t depend on someone like I depend on Frank—I didn’t want to. I couldn’t be someone’s reason to wake up each and every day; I couldn’t.

For some reason, my mind was doing horrible damage to my heart. Telling me that despite how amazing the other night had been, it would soon turn into all that we were about. He got what he wanted out of me and that would be the end. Could I continuously let myself be used like that?

Part of me—a great part of me—knew that Frank would never use me like that; he loved me—right? I honestly had no ideas where these fears were coming from, none at all. They were just there; consuming me like some flesh-eating disease does a body.

My mind was winning—my heart was slowly fading in this race to claim what it was between Frank and me. A knock interrupted my emotional outburst.

“Mikey, honey, you almost done—I’d like to head over before they actually wake up; it’s already noon.”

I mumbled a yeah and reached up to shut the water off. I sat on my knees for a few more moments before standing and climbing out of the shower stall—wrapping a towel around my body.

=-=-=-=

My forehead was pressed against the cool glass of my mother’s family car as we made our way to their apartment. Thirty minutes of her ramblings of nothing of great importance and a lot of unanswered questions. She didn’t spark my attention until she asked me something as we pulled into their complex.

“Have you and Frank done anything?”

The quick manner in which I jerked my head in her direction, mouth agape gave my answer away—she still pestered on.

“I only ask because, well, just be careful about it…be safe. I don’t want either of you getting anything. You know where the spare key is, so let’s get a move on and give those boys a good waking up.”

How could this woman go from one extreme to the other in a matter of seconds? Have safe sex, now let’s go clean an apartment. What the hell? She commented on everything we passed walking up the stairs to their second floor apartment.

I reached into my pocket pulling out the spare key—my mother just stood with her mouth opened as I opened the door to a spotless living room. I couldn’t help but let my own mouth fall open—this was not the place I left yesterday.

“Who left the goddamn—Donna!”

“Raymond, how are you dear?”

He rushed over, pulling each of us into a hug; I noticed the two disheveled forms of my brother and boyfriend appear at the end of their dark hallway.

“Ma!”

Gee ran towards our mother, pulling her into a tight hug. Smiles plastered on both of their faces. My eyes immediately searched out Frankie’s, his meeting my own.

“Frank Anthony, if I have to come over there to get a hug—“

“I know, I know, you’ll do something to me and no one will ever find me.”

He smiled at her as she pulled him in for a hug. He stood next to me, pulling me to his side, nuzzling his head into my neck as my arms went around him. I was complete again; a sudden wave of guilt rushed through me—my episode in the shower this morning came back full force.

I felt his small hand entwine with my own as he pulled me away from the chatter between Ma, Gee and Ray; we left unnoticed. He led me to his room, which looked nice fully furnished with his own personal touches here and there.

“What’s wrong Mikey? You don’t seem like yourself.”

We stood just behind his closed door, taking in the embrace we so freely gave to each other.

“I, I…I just…I’m, I’m scared Frankie.”

He pulled back, looking up into my eyes, sincere care shining brightly up at me through his eyes.

“Why, of what?”

I looked down and away—how do I tell him?

“Of this.”

I said it so quietly I didn’t think he heard me; he did though—he removed himself and sat on his bed. Placing his hands in his lap he stared at the carpeted floor before meeting my eyes once more.

“I shouldn’t have rushed it, I should’ve just…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean, I just thought…Mikes I…”

I rushed to his side, pulling him towards me; I wasn’t the only one afraid of what we had done—the change we brought to our relationship. I placed a gentle kiss atop his head as I pulled him close, whispering reassuring words as he muttered apologies over and over.

“You, you don’t, you don’t regret it do you?”