Autumn's Monologue.

I don’t know why I just walked away from him like that…not turning around once more, holding him once more…kissing him once more. I told him Bert saved me but in reality it’s always been him—he’s the reason behind everything…the good and the bad.”

“Have you and he ever been intimate?”

I blushed and nodded.

“I’ve told you before I’ve taken a lot of times, I’ve just never took…until Frank. I’ve done everything considered intimate; just it never felt like it. The night I spent with Frank, the night we were actually intimate…I knew no one could ever make me feel like that…ever.”

I sat still—unmoving—on my bed as he walked towards my door, closing it and taking a seat at the foot of my bed, hands folded in his lap. Neither of us moving to glance at the other or speak first.

Then it dawned on me, I had never read his letter—it was still unopened in the top drawer of my desk. I quickly clambered over to my desk and pulled out the envelope, his eyes finally rising from the ground—widening at what I held in my hands.

“You, you haven’t read it?”

I slowly made my way back to my bed, sitting with my legs folded beneath me as I faced him. His tone questioned something, what I couldn’t tell you. Was this going to break my heart? Tear me to shreds—well what little was left of me into even more pieces?

I fumbled with the back of the envelope, tearing it apart to take out the paper inside. With trembling hands I unfolded the piece of paper that held the familiar scrawl of the boy I loved so much—the boy just a few feet away from me.

Mikey:
I don’t even know where to start or even how to tell you how I feel, how I’ve felt without you these past few months. It’s been a lot of mixed feelings for me. Agony with the lack of your touch, your kiss, your love…but I’m happy that you’re getting the help you need.

Your mother was out the night you tried to kill yourself; Gee, Ray and I were house-sitting for her. Well Gee was, Ray got lonely and came with him and I got bored and followed suit. We heard the answering machine—why someone would leave such a message is beyond me.

It killed me to drive home that day without you. You didn’t even turn to look at me once the entire drive there—speak to me even. When we got there you just left, no hug, no kiss, not even a backwards glance. Do I mean nothing to you? Did I push you into doing something so soon that you grew to regret the intimacy we shared?

We’re coming to see you in a few weeks; your doctor called and asked that we all show up. Surprise you—I know how much you hate surprises. I still can’t believe you wanted to die. You tried to die and you’d have succeeded if it weren’t for those mandatory room checks.

I have something to confess to you but I’ll just wait till we’re in person. It’ll be good to see you—I’ve changed some since you last saw me. I’ll bet you’re still beautiful; you were always beautiful to me. I’m sorry it’s taken so long to write to you; I’ve never known what to say.

Words escape me. I told you once I loved you more than I’m capable of expressing—they still hold true. I don’t know how to tell you how much you mean to me, I can’t do it. To have almost lost you…I can’t even bare the thought. I’m still very much in love with you, it’s hard having you where you are—so far away. I miss you, more than you’ll ever know. I don’t know what else to say.

Forever and Always— Frankie.

I hastily threw the letter on the floor and scrambled to pull him in my arms—needing to have him in my arms. Tears spilt down my face, landing on his shirt as I pulled him as close as I could. It had been months since I last did this—touched him.

I got so caught up in finally touching him I failed to realize he had yet to put his own arms around me. I pulled away from him, he was tense, he had frozen the moment I had touched him—had something changed?

”I’m not sure how I had thought he didn’t notice my downward spiral, he told me that he watched me go down hill…he said he felt horrible for just sitting by and watch me doing that to myself…he said he was sorry.”

I was now lying down on the lounge and just talking freely to her, she didn’t have her clipboard out she was just listening to me pour my heart out.

“I, I feel so incomplete without him…so alone. I can’t even begin to describe to you how he makes me feel…he sent me a letter, I haven’t read it.”

“Why’s that?”

“I’m afraid of what it says…he could be telling me he’s found someone new…someone who’s not in a fucking rehab center, someone who’s not sick in the head, someone who actually deserves him!”

“What if it doesn’t?”

“I’m still afraid to open it.”

“Mikes I, please just let me tell you something first…”

He gently pulled my arms off of him and looked down and away from me—my heart raced. I could feel it going haywire in my chest.

“I, I did something…something stupid…”