Sequel: Hold Me Down ›
Autumn's Monologue.
It's Too Late.
“How was the visit Mikey?”
I fiddled once again with the pillow in my lap—shrugging in response.
“Cathy…I, I just, I’ve had a lot of realizations yesterday.”
She smiled at that response and nodded, acknowledging me to continue.
“I mean, I know I missed my family, my friends, my boyfriend…but being here, having the chance to start over almost, regain a new insight to something I once lost all hope in…I’m kind of scared to go back home. That and I, I’m worried about Tucker. What’s going to happen to him?! I know you can’t tell me because of patient confidentiality and all that stupid shit, but come on—I’m all this kid has here! If it weren’t for me he wouldn’t tell you guys half the shit he has!”
She just looked me in the eye, questioning her next statement it seemed.
“Mikey, do you remember last night, when you and Tucker were reading stories in the lounge and I was showing a young woman around?”
I nodded.
“She was one of the social workers that have been coming from time to time to check up on Tucker. She and another young man come here twice a week to check his records and his well-being. Both have complimented very highly of your interaction with him; both noticing you’re the only one he spends his time with.”
She shifted in her seat and placed her clipboard on the small table beside her desk—this was going to get serious.
“I was asked a very important question last night before she left. We stood just outside of the lounge door later in the evening; just you and Tucker were in the lounge. He was curled up on your lap, dozing off as you read softly to him. She asked if I would find you suitable and willing to take Tucker as your own.”
I dropped the pillow on the floor.
“I couldn’t give her an answer, but she did say she had a message waiting for her this morning about a couple that would like to adopt him. Have you thought about going home any?”
I nodded, reaching down to pick up the pillow I had dropped in my shock of her statement.
“I, I have…I just, it’s been so long since I’ve been in the world I’m afraid I won’t know how to fit back in.”
“We’re not supposed to all fit in Mikey, we’re supposed to find our own way, we don’t have to fit; we don’t have a perfect puzzle piece place made specifically for us. I can tell you’re beyond ready to return home, I know you can do it…and I know you could do well as a father to Tucker. What do you say you go and talk to him about things? Ask him about what he wants to do when he gets out of here? Come and see me after dinner alright?”
I could only nod as I slowly stood and walked out of her office and headed towards the lounge. I stopped and looked inside, Tucker was playing with a paper airplane over by the television no one ever watched—cartoons were on for him but he wasn’t paying attention.
His smile lit up his entire face as he zoomed the hand-crafted flying machine, his mouth forming into the perfect shape to allow sounds of whoosh and other various noises he was making. He glanced over at the door quickly, turning back around, then stopping and turning once more to the door—spotting me his eyes brightened even more as he ran towards me.
“You’re back! Can I show you what I did today?”
I smiled down at him and he took my hand, leading me over to the small table that sat in front of the television. Numerous pieces of paper lay crumpled or folded into disproportionate pieces of what I presumed to be his previous paper-air-pane attempts.
He moved other pieces of paper that has his handwriting and picking one out, putting it face down in front of me.
“Close your eye before I turn it over it’s a surprise!”
I smiled as I placed a hand over my eyes.
“No peeking!”
I grinned as I heard the rustling of a sheet of paper being turned over.
“You can open them now!”
On a standard, 8x11 sheet of white paper stood the prominent stick figures of Tucker and me. Labeled of course; mine having glasses that were too big for my stick figure’s head and we were holding hands. Huge smiles were on both of our faces; a large yellow sun was in the upper right hand corner, a small blue bird in the top left and a small house behind us.
“Do you like it?”
“It’s beautiful Tucker…it’s the best piece of artwork I’ve ever seen!”
He grinned at me, his small hand pointing out each of us and finally landing on the small house he drew.
“I know they’re taking me away from here but in this picture we’ll always be a family, just you and me, Mikey, you and me.”
“Would you like that? A family with you and me?”
He nodded as he picked up another crayon and started writing his name on another sheet of paper.
“I don’t think anyone else would treat me like you do…they wouldn’t be so nice to me. Do I really have to go? Can’t I just stay here with you?”
“I’m going to be leaving too…”
“We won’t ever see each other again will we?”
His eyes once so full of innocence were now filling with sadness and unshed tears as he looked up at me.
=-=-=-=
I knocked tentatively on Cathy’s office door, hearing her soft enter, I opened the door. I had just put Tucker in bed with one of my comics after he had received a bath from one of the nurses.
She smiled up at me—I still remained standing in front of her desk. I didn’t intend on staying long, just long enough to give her my answer.
“Have you decided anything?”
I nodded slowly before speaking.
“I, this is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make in my entire life so far. I can’t begin to explain the emotions that have run through me today, but I have made up my mind…I, I can’t…”
I fiddled once again with the pillow in my lap—shrugging in response.
“Cathy…I, I just, I’ve had a lot of realizations yesterday.”
She smiled at that response and nodded, acknowledging me to continue.
“I mean, I know I missed my family, my friends, my boyfriend…but being here, having the chance to start over almost, regain a new insight to something I once lost all hope in…I’m kind of scared to go back home. That and I, I’m worried about Tucker. What’s going to happen to him?! I know you can’t tell me because of patient confidentiality and all that stupid shit, but come on—I’m all this kid has here! If it weren’t for me he wouldn’t tell you guys half the shit he has!”
She just looked me in the eye, questioning her next statement it seemed.
“Mikey, do you remember last night, when you and Tucker were reading stories in the lounge and I was showing a young woman around?”
I nodded.
“She was one of the social workers that have been coming from time to time to check up on Tucker. She and another young man come here twice a week to check his records and his well-being. Both have complimented very highly of your interaction with him; both noticing you’re the only one he spends his time with.”
She shifted in her seat and placed her clipboard on the small table beside her desk—this was going to get serious.
“I was asked a very important question last night before she left. We stood just outside of the lounge door later in the evening; just you and Tucker were in the lounge. He was curled up on your lap, dozing off as you read softly to him. She asked if I would find you suitable and willing to take Tucker as your own.”
I dropped the pillow on the floor.
“I couldn’t give her an answer, but she did say she had a message waiting for her this morning about a couple that would like to adopt him. Have you thought about going home any?”
I nodded, reaching down to pick up the pillow I had dropped in my shock of her statement.
“I, I have…I just, it’s been so long since I’ve been in the world I’m afraid I won’t know how to fit back in.”
“We’re not supposed to all fit in Mikey, we’re supposed to find our own way, we don’t have to fit; we don’t have a perfect puzzle piece place made specifically for us. I can tell you’re beyond ready to return home, I know you can do it…and I know you could do well as a father to Tucker. What do you say you go and talk to him about things? Ask him about what he wants to do when he gets out of here? Come and see me after dinner alright?”
I could only nod as I slowly stood and walked out of her office and headed towards the lounge. I stopped and looked inside, Tucker was playing with a paper airplane over by the television no one ever watched—cartoons were on for him but he wasn’t paying attention.
His smile lit up his entire face as he zoomed the hand-crafted flying machine, his mouth forming into the perfect shape to allow sounds of whoosh and other various noises he was making. He glanced over at the door quickly, turning back around, then stopping and turning once more to the door—spotting me his eyes brightened even more as he ran towards me.
“You’re back! Can I show you what I did today?”
I smiled down at him and he took my hand, leading me over to the small table that sat in front of the television. Numerous pieces of paper lay crumpled or folded into disproportionate pieces of what I presumed to be his previous paper-air-pane attempts.
He moved other pieces of paper that has his handwriting and picking one out, putting it face down in front of me.
“Close your eye before I turn it over it’s a surprise!”
I smiled as I placed a hand over my eyes.
“No peeking!”
I grinned as I heard the rustling of a sheet of paper being turned over.
“You can open them now!”
On a standard, 8x11 sheet of white paper stood the prominent stick figures of Tucker and me. Labeled of course; mine having glasses that were too big for my stick figure’s head and we were holding hands. Huge smiles were on both of our faces; a large yellow sun was in the upper right hand corner, a small blue bird in the top left and a small house behind us.
“Do you like it?”
“It’s beautiful Tucker…it’s the best piece of artwork I’ve ever seen!”
He grinned at me, his small hand pointing out each of us and finally landing on the small house he drew.
“I know they’re taking me away from here but in this picture we’ll always be a family, just you and me, Mikey, you and me.”
“Would you like that? A family with you and me?”
He nodded as he picked up another crayon and started writing his name on another sheet of paper.
“I don’t think anyone else would treat me like you do…they wouldn’t be so nice to me. Do I really have to go? Can’t I just stay here with you?”
“I’m going to be leaving too…”
“We won’t ever see each other again will we?”
His eyes once so full of innocence were now filling with sadness and unshed tears as he looked up at me.
=-=-=-=
I knocked tentatively on Cathy’s office door, hearing her soft enter, I opened the door. I had just put Tucker in bed with one of my comics after he had received a bath from one of the nurses.
She smiled up at me—I still remained standing in front of her desk. I didn’t intend on staying long, just long enough to give her my answer.
“Have you decided anything?”
I nodded slowly before speaking.
“I, this is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make in my entire life so far. I can’t begin to explain the emotions that have run through me today, but I have made up my mind…I, I can’t…”