Ten things to do before I die

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Madeline, happy birthday to you.” Everyone sang to my daughter as she sat at the head of the table on Oli’s lap in front of her birthday cake. Tom was at my side with her camera focused on Maddy.

“Blow out your candles Pop.” Oli said after everyone had finished singing.

Maddy leaned forward and blew out all her candles. “Madeline, tell daddy how old you are today.”

She held up three fingers proudly. “Free.” Between her accent and her inability to properly pronounce the letter ‘t’ three became free, which always made me laugh.

My baby girl was three years old. Three years had passed since she graced us with her presence and she was the most perfect little girl I had ever seen. She had Tom’s eyes and his smile, but had the rest of my features, my jawline, my nose, my ears, my chin, and my long brown hair.

Maddy was three, which means it had been two years since my cancer had come back. I had been going to chemo twice a month for two years now, and it still hadn’t gone into remission. All my hair had fallen out again, which I hated more than anything in the world.

After Madeline ate her cake we all moved into the living room to open her gifts. She was sitting in my lap and tearing through everything she got her hands on. After opening each gift she would run over to whoever got it for her hugged them, told them thank you, then ran back to me. Tom sat behind his camera laughing each time she ran up to someone.

“Maddy, did you like your gifts?” Tom asked after everything was opened.

She nodded her little head vigorously. “Yes.”

“Well you have one more from mummy and daddy.”

“Really?” Her eyes lit up.

I got up off the floor and went to get her other present from our bedroom. I carefully walked down the steps with the large basket in my hands. As soon as I placed it in front of Maddy she opened it and gasped.

“A puppy!” She yelled as she picked up the small dog. “Uncle Oli, look! I got a puppy!”
“Can your pup and Oskar be friends?”

“As long as he doesn’t bite it.”

“Her, Maddy, it’s a girl. What are you going to call her?” I asked as I patted the puppy’s head.

She put her dog down and tapped her finger on her chin while she thought causing us all to laugh. “Phoebe.”

“Phoebe? Where did that come from?” I asked with a laugh.

She shrugged and picked the puppy up again. “This is Phoebe Sykes.”

Maddy’s birthday was the last good memory I had with our whole family. Two months later I was forced to check into the hospital. I could barely get out of bed, and I couldn’t even pick of Maddy anymore. Tom and I both knew that this was the end for me. My doctors had tried everything they could, but the cancer had spread so quickly that nothing else could be done for me now.

Even though I had made my peace with the fact that I could die from this a long time ago, I was scared. But I wasn’t scared for me. I was scared for my husband and daughter.

Maddy and Tom came to see me every day. The day I remember most was the day I died. It was such a perfect day outside. Maddy was with Oliver at the zoo, so Tom came a little early to see me alone. I remember feeling like this was it. Like today was my last day. I felt so weak. Everything I did was exhausting.

“How are you feeling today?”

I shrugged. “I feel alright.”

“I’m glad you’re awake.”

I nodded. “Tom, I need to talk to you.”

“What about, love?”

I sighed. “What do you think?”

Tom closed his eyes tightly. “Baby…”

“No, Tom, we have to talk about it. Look at me. I’m living in a hospital because I can’t do anything. I can’t even get out of bed without someone’s help. I can’t pick up our daughter. I….I can’t live.”

“I know that Emma. I just don’t want to believe it.”

“You knew this could happen.” I whispered softly.

Tom kissed my forehead. “I know. I just love you too much.”

I shook my head as tears started falling. “I’m sorry Tom.”

“For what? Don’t cry, baby.”

“For everything. I can’t leave you. It’s not fair. I need to be here with you, and with Maddy.” More tears fell when I thought about Madeline. “Maddy…I can’t leave her. It’s too soon.” Tom and I were both crying now.

Tom sat on my bed carefully and wrapped his arms around me. “This isn’t your fault.”

“I know. I just, I never thought that I would have so much to live for.”

It got harder to breathe. My chest started to get tight. The monitors I was hooked up to started going crazy. Tom ran out of the room to get someone. The only thing I remember hearing was Tom’s voice.

“I love you Emma. Please, don’t go. Please.”

But I couldn’t stay. I had to go.

“I love you.” I managed to whisper before I completely flat lined. Since I had signed a do not resuscitate agreement there was nothing else that could be done. The nurse unhooked me from the machines, called my time of death, and left the room quietly.

Tom slumped back into his chair, tears streaming from his perfect blue eyes. “I love you too Emma.”