Ten things to do before I die

After what seemed like forever Tom and I went home, after calling cabs for the boys of course. Tom went straight to bed but I couldn’t sleep. I lay there for a while but when I realized I wasn’t going to sleep I crept into the living room quietly.

Since I was alone I finally had a chance to think about what was going on. I was pregnant I had only known for six months. Granted I loved Tom with all my heart, but what if we didn’t work out? Or worse, what if I got sick again? If I died I would be leaving Tom with a child and no one to help raise it. I started to panic when that though crossed my mind. I couldn’t do this.

“Baby, why are you awake?” Tom’s sleepy voice came from the doorway.

I don’t know why, but when I saw him I started crying. He moved to the couch quickly and wrapped his arms around me.

“What’s wrong?”

“I-I can’t do this.” I sobbed.

“What are you talking about?”

“This baby. I can’t…I can’t have this baby Tom.”

“Emma, I know you’re scared, but we’ll be fine.”

“No, what if it comes back?” What if I get sick again and die? Then what will happen?”

“Emma, your doctors said you’re fine. No cancer, remember?”

“For now Tom. It hasn’t come back yet. But what if it does? What if I die and then you’re left with a baby you don’t want from a woman you barely knew?”

Tom stood up quickly. “What is wrong with you Emma? What do I have to do to prove I love you? If marrying you wasn’t enough then I don’t know what is.”

“I know you love me Tom!”

He groaned. “Then what are you saying this for! Do you not want this baby? Because if you don’t, I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to, but I love you, and I love the idea of having something that’s a part of both of us.”

“Stop. Don’t do that. Don’t try and guilt me into this. I need time to think, that’s all”

“Take all the time you need. I’m going to Matt’s.” He said before disappearing into our room. He came back out a few minutes later with a pair of sweat pants and his shoes on, keys in hand.

“Please, don’t go.”

“No, you need to think, so think. But when you make a decision make sure it’s what you really want because I can’t handle this shit. I can’t handle you telling me you’re going to die someday, and I’m sick of having to prove to you that I love you. I’m sick of it. Let me know when you’ve made your decision.” He walked past me quickly and out the door.

After he was gone I collapsed onto the couch and started crying. I cried so hard I threw up, or maybe it was from being pregnant. Either way I was miserable.

Eventually I went back to our room and lay in bed. It smelled like Tom. I pulled his pillow over to me and buried my face in it. He had been gone an hour and I missed him already. I debated on whether or not I should have walked down to Matt’s apartment and apologize to Tom, but my eyes closed and I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning when I felt the bed shift from someone else’s weight. My eyes opened, and I was staring in my husbands perfect blue ones.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered. “I want this baby too Tom. I’m just scared that this cancer will come back and I’ll leave you with a baby and no one to help take care of it.”

Tom wrapped his arms around me tightly. “Baby, please don’t think like that. I know it’s scary, but do you know what makes it worse?”

“Me talking about it all the time?”

Tom nodded in agreement. “Yes, so please, can we just focus on this baby?”

“Yeah, I guess we have to.”

Tom laughed. “Yes we do. Plus fighting with you is exhausting.”

A few days later Tom and I went to meet with our realtor to look at houses. The first one we saw was too small, the second one was too close to a busy street, finally we were at the third house, which was close to Oli’s new house.

After looking around for a few minutes I was in love. It was absolutely perfect. There were three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a huge kitchen, a nice size living room that would fit Tom’s oversized couches perfectly, a small sun room towards the back of the house, and a beautiful dining room. And the yard, the yard was my favorite. There were beautiful rose buses everywhere, a small garden and a small patio where we could set up furniture.

“What do you think?” Tom asked after the realtor left us alone for a few minutes.

“I love it.”

“Really?”

I nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, it’s perfect.”

“Good. Cause I already told Jackie to start the paperwork.”

I threw my arms around Tom’s neck and kissed him. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Are you kidding? Everything. Marrying me, taking me on tour, buying this house. Just…thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

Jackie came back into the room with a smile on her face. “Well it looks like you’ve told her then?”

Tom smiled and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Good. The owners have been sitting on this house for months, they’re so excited to finally have a buyer that they said you can start moving in next week.”

“Perfect.”