Choke on Your Misery

Zack

On Friday night, I paced around my kitchen, waiting for Rian to come pick Alex and I up for the party. Rian had been elected to be the designated driver for all of us, unfortunately for him. I looked up as my mom came into the kitchen. She had actually taken the news that I was going to a party quite well; though she had given me a talk about being ‘responsible’.

“About to leave?” she asked.

“Yeah, Rian should be here any minute now,” I nodded.

“Did you take your medicine?”

“Yes, mom,” I sighed.

“Just making sure. I want you home by midnight, okay? And don’t do anything stupid,” she said.

“I won’t, Mom. And I’ll definitely be home by midnight, that’s when Rian has to be home too.” I heard a car horn outside and glanced out the window to see that it was Rian. “Gotta go; bye.”

“Bye honey, have fun,” my mom called as I walked out of the house. Jack was in the front seat, and Alex was buckling up in the back. I slid into the back seat beside Alex, who smiled and leaned over to kiss my cheek.

“Woo! Zack’s coming!” Jack cheered.

I chuckled, “Uh huh; Rian, start driving before I change my mind.”

••••••••••

Within the hour we had been at the party, I had definitely loosened up a little. No one really paid attention to me other than my friends, which lowered my anxiety about talking to people. Jack was already drunk from whatever the hell he had been drinking, and was dancing around like a screwball. Evan and Alex had been drinking too, but weren't too drunk. Rian, Grieco, and I had so far avoided drinking anything but pop.

“C’mon, guys! You need a drink; you’re too mellow over here!” Evan insisted, coming over to Rian, Grieco, and I.

“I’m the driver; I’m not drinking anything,” Rian said, shaking his head.

“Fair enough. Zack, Grieco; get your asses over and have a drink,” Evan said, dragging Grieco and I over to the counter where there were a ton of different drinks scattered on the counter. That was more alcohol than I’d ever seen at one time.

Alex came up behind me, putting his mouth near my ear. “A few drinks won’t kill you,” he whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. I turned my head to look at him and he smiled.

“I guess I’ll be fine,” I said, reaching for a cup to take a drink.

In the next hour, I could feel the effect of the alcohol. All six of us were a little more wild, mostly sticking together, although a few of the others would occasionally go off to talk to the other people at the party. Rian, Jack, Evan, and I were standing in the kitchen, while Alex and Grieco were in the other room with the majority of the people at the party.

“I’m Superman!” Jack yelled, crouching on top of the counter.

“Dude! You’re going to get hurt!” Rian shook his head at him.

“Superman doesn’t get hurt!” Jack jumped from the counter and slipped as he hit the ground, falling on his ass and spilling his beer all over himself.

“Dumbass,” I laughed.

“More like drunk ass,” Evan chuckled.

“I’m not drunk!” Jack yelled.

“Yeah, and I’m not Rian,” Rian scoffed, helping Jack up.

“You’re not?” Jack looked confused, and the three of us laughed.

I felt arms wrap around me and jumped, looking back to see that it was Alex. “Hey babe,” he greeted, lips brushing against my neck.

“Hey,” I said, turning to face him. He kissed me, earning a few jeers from our friends.

“Come outside with me,” Alex suggested, flipping off the others and tugging me outside with him. There were a few people out here; mostly couples. It was pretty dark here in the backyard. Alex stopped a few feet from the deck, pushing me against the brick wall of the house as he kissed me eagerly, slipping his tongue into my mouth. I kissed him back for a few minutes before he pulled away, slightly out of breath.

“Eager much?” I teased, trailing a hand down his back lightly.

“I get horny when I drink,” Alex said innocently, smirking.

“You should have mentioned that before,” I chuckled, pulling him back into a kiss. Alex tugged on my lip with his teeth, making me let out a low moan. He smirked into the kiss, firing me up more. I pulled his hips closer as I slid my tongue into his mouth, and he moaned slightly in surprise. He pushed his hips into mine, grinding against me and making my erection grow. I ground my hips back into his, and he moaned into the kiss. After a little while, I finally pulled away. I was out of breath and my lips were beginning to get sore from all the making out.

“Zaack, don’t stop,” Alex whined.

“My lips are getting sore, babe,” I laughed, pecking him on the lips.

“But I’m hard,” he complained. “You suck.”

“Actually I don’t; that’s why you’re annoyed,” I teased. Alex grumbled something in response and I chuckled, turning to head back inside. Alex hit my ass lightly as he followed behind, and I jumped, turning to him. “Alex!”

“Sorry,” he grinned, reaching for my hand. I rolled my eyes, heading back inside. The bright light of the kitchen stung my eyes.

“There you are! Do either of you know how to make someone stop puking?” Rian asked.

“No, why?” I questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Jack’s puking his guts out; he has too much alcohol in his system,” Evan said, rolling his eyes.

“Figures,” I sighed. "Where is he?" I trailed behind Evan as he led me to the bathroom, leaving Alex behind with the others. Jack was puking into the toilet as we walked in.

“Fuck this,” Jack groaned, leaning against the wall.

I chuckled, “Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.”

“I barely drank anything!”

Evan laughed, "Man, you drank so much you don't even know your own name. No more for you tonight."

"Good, I don't want any more," Jack said. "My head hurts!"

“Just lie down or something; you’ll probably feel better,” I suggested, and Jack decided to lie down on the bathroom floor. “Not what I meant; but that works.”

“Ah, just leave him. I’ll deal with him,” Evan said, shooing me away. I headed back into the kitchen, where Rian was talking to some guys I didn’t know.

“Where did Alex go?” I asked.

“He headed into the living room to find Grieco,” Rian replied.

I nodded, “Thanks.” I went into the living room, dodging people as I looked for Alex. I finally found him at the far end... but not the way I wanted to find him. Alex's back was against the wall, and he was kissing some girl. I could practically feel my heart ripping into pieces. “A-Alex?”

Alex jumped and shoved the girl off suddenly when he heard my voice, eyes widening. “Fuck. Zack, I can explain-”

I shook my head, feeling the tears well up in my eyes. “I don’t want to hear it. I-I should have fucking known,” I said, rushing back into the kitchen. I grabbed Rian by the arm, pulling him away from his conversation. “Drive me home.”

“What? Why? I need to drive the others home too,” Rian said, confused.

“Drive me home, now.”

Rian noticed my tears threatening to spill over and frowned, “What did Alex do?”

"J-just drive me home and I'll tell you," I mumbled. I heard Alex call my name and looked at Rian desperately.

"Fine; let's go." Rian and I rushed out to his car and got in, pulling away to head home. "Are you going to tell me what happened?" he finally asked.

I stared out the window, biting back tears. "He was kissing some other girl."

"You're fucking kidding me!" Rian exclaimed, and I shook my head. "I ought to kick his ass."

I shook my head, "I should have seen it coming. I'm not good enough for him."

"Yes you are, Zack. Don't ever say that," Rian said, frowning at me. I didn't respond. We pulled into my driveway and Rian looked at me. "Are you going to be okay? I can stay with you if you need me to."

"I'm fine," I lied, unbuckling and getting out of Rian's car. "Thanks for driving me home." I went inside, where my parents were surprised to see me home. It was only eleven o'clock. I told them the party had ended early, and then I ran up to my room and shut my door, sitting on my bed. The tears that had been threatening to spill over finally did, and I broke down in tears. How could Alex do this to me?

I'm not good enough for anyone.

Alex is perfect.

I'm just the kid no one likes.

The one people feel sorry for.

I'm just... Zack.

I cried for about ten minutes straight before I picked up my phone and looked at it through tears. I had four missed calls from Alex. He hadn't bothered to leave a voicemail, though, and for some reason that made me even more upset.

I don't know if it was my emotions, the alcohol in my system, or a combination of both, but I was getting more upset and angry by the second. I finally got up from my bed, wandering into the bathroom and shutting the door. I glanced around and my eyes landed on the package of razors.

Don't do it.

I picked up a razor, looking at it.

You've been cut-free for months.

I slid down to the floor, razor in hand.

You'll slip back into the habit.

My brain was screaming at me to stop, but I couldn't. I couldn't even think straight. I pulled the protective cover off the razor blade and yanked the blade off the plastic razor. I held the blade over my arm.

Just one cut...

Tears running down my face, I pressed the blade into my arm, cutting through the skin.