Choke on Your Misery

Zack

Five days. It had been five days since the party, and five days since I talked to Alex. I had avoided him - and everyone else - by sitting in the counseling office at school all day. My counselor didn't push questions; she just let me stay there to do my schoolwork during the day. Alex had been blowing up my phone with calls and texts, to the point where I finally just started rejecting the calls. Rian was worried about me and beyond pissed at Alex. He was ready to beat the living hell out of Alex.

It was Wednesday evening and I was lying on my bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. I had been doing a lot of nothing lately - with the issue between Alex and I, there was no band practice or hanging out. It made me realize how depressing my life was before I met Alex.

My phone rang suddenly, scaring the shit out of me. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Rian; not Alex like I had assumed. I sighed, picking up the phone, "Hi."

"You sound so thrilled to talk to me," Rian joked.

"Sorry."

"What's wrong, Zack?"

"Nothing," I mumbled, looking down at my arms. My sleeves were rolled up to my elbows, revealing fresh cuts. After the cut I made on Friday, my habit had slipped back into place. I had done it every day since then. I knew I should get help, but I wad afraid to. Quite frankly, I didn't care much anymore. No one would notice, anyway.

"Zack, you and I both know that's a lie," Rian sighed.

"Well what do you expect me to say? 'I'm having the time of my life'?" I asked grumpily.

"No, but you can at least tell me when something is wrong. You know you can tell me anything," Rian said. "You'd tell me if something was happening, right?"

"Yes," I lied. I glanced down at my arms guiltily. I didn't want to tell Rian about this. He would be so disappointed in me.

"Good. Do you want to come over and hang out?" he asked hopefully.

"Not really."

"You're so depressing. I’m coming over there, then. It’s only six, and we don’t have school tomorrow,” Rian said.

“Noo, Rian, I want to be alone,” I whined.

“Too bad; I’ll be there in ten minutes. We’re going to the mall,” Rian said, hanging up before I could protest. I sighed heavily, getting up from my bed to get dressed. A few minutes later I heard a knock at my door, and my heart jumped. I yanked my sleeves down to my wrists, calling, “Come in.”

My mom opened the door, poking her head in, “Honey, dinner is almost ready.”

“Um, Rian insisted that we go to the mall; he’ll be here soon. We’ll get some food there,” I said, looking around for my shoes.

“Oh, good,” my mom smiled. She had been concerned when I mentioned that I wasn’t speaking to Alex, and was probably glad to see that I was going somewhere with a friend. My dad, on the other hand, hadn’t seemed to mind when I said I wasn’t speaking to Alex. He was probably happy about it. “When will you be back?” she asked.

I shrugged, “I don’t know; probably around nine or so. Depends how long it takes me to get sick of Rian.”

“Oh, please; you never get sick of Rian,” my mom chuckled.

“You’d be surprised.”

••••••••••

Rian and I were walking through the mall, just wandering around. We had eaten dinner and gone in and out of a few stores, and now it was almost eight o’clock. I was walking with my hands shoved into my hoodie pockets while Rian chattered on about something that had happened at school earlier in the day. I wasn’t really paying attention to what he was saying.

“Zack, are you even listening?” Rian asked, hitting me in the shoulder lightly.

“Huh?” I looked up, and Rian rolled his eyes.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no.’”

“Sorry, I’m just not in the mood for conversation. I told you that,” I said, kicking a wrapper as I walked past it. I pushed a door open and we headed outside near the benches and a smoking area.

“It’s been five days, dude; either get over Alex or talk things out,” Rian sighed. “I’m pissed at him for hurting you, but avoiding him isn’t really making things better, is it?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I mumbled. “I’m not worth his time.”

“Yes you are. Don’t say that,” he said with a frown.

“It’s true, and you know it. Hell, you’d probably leave me too if you had the chance,” I snapped.

Rian was taken aback by my sudden outburst of anger. “Zack, that’s not true. You’re my best friend.”

“You probably just feel sorry for me, just like everyone else,” I said, fists clenching in my hoodie pockets. “I’m just everyone’s fucking charity case. If people cared about me, I’d have more friends than just you!”

“I don’t just hang out with you because I feel sorry for you. I hang out with you because you’re my best friend. And people care about you – why the hell do you think Jack and Alex are your friends?” Rian said, crossing his arms and looking straight at me.

“If Jack and Alex cared about me, they’d have fucking talked to me by now. Face it, Rian – I’m just the guy no one will ever like or care about. That’s why everyone treats me like shit,” I scowled, turning to walk away. Rian grabbed my arm, and I let out a squeak of pain. He was squeezing my cuts.

Rian looked confused at first, but realization slowly spread across his face. He tried to push my sleeve up, and I shoved him away from me. He grabbed me by the arm again, only to have the same thing happen. He finally managed to grab a hold of me and yank my sleeve up to my elbows, revealing the cuts on my arms. He looked shocked. “No... Zack... why didn’t you tell me?”

Angry tears sprang into my eyes as I pulled away from him, tugging my sleeves back down. I took a few steps back as I spoke, “I thought I’d stop.”

Rian looked hurt, “How long have you been doing this?”

“Since the party,” I mumbled, bumping into a bench as I was walking backwards, away from Rian.

“That’s why you’ve been so miserable the past few days. When you started cutting last time, you were always in a horrible mood. You need to stop doing this, Zack,” Rian said, taking a step toward me.

“I can’t just stop. It’s not that easy. It’s hard,” I choked out.

“You can try. You did it once, you can do it again,” Rian said softly. “Give me the razor, Zack – I know you have one.”

I instinctively reached back, covering my wallet in my back pocket. “No.”

“Please, Zack,” Rian begged, walking toward me.

“No! Don’t!” I exclaimed as he tried to grab a hold of me, likely to wrestle me to the ground and get my wallet. I jumped back, tripping over the bench as I ran away from Rian.

“Zack!” Rian yelled after me, and I heard his footsteps behind me. I kept running; my anxiety level had risen and I had a sudden burst of adrenaline. I ducked behind the back building of the mall, which was dark except for the light of the moon. I slid down against the wall, my heart and head pounding. I didn’t want Rian to find me, and I didn’t want him to take away the razor. Even though I knew I had to stop cutting, it was too much for me to process. It was hard enough to stop, and even harder to stop cold turkey. And honestly, I didn’t want to stop - it wasn't putting me in any danger.

A breeze blew through and I pulled my knees up to my chest, resting my head against them. The only noise I could hear was the sound of cars on the road and nearby freeway. I couldn't even hear Rian's footsteps anymore. Maybe I'll just stay here, away from everyone.