Choke on Your Misery

Zack

After getting out of the hospital, Rian took me to his house to spend the night. I would have gone back to my own house, but I was dreading the confrontation with my parents about the hospital visit. We were off school on a long weekend, anyway, so I was fortunate. We had gotten back to Rian's house around midnight, and it was twelve-thirty now. I hadn't spoken much since Alex had left my hospital room, and I could tell that Rian was getting worried. I was lying on Rian's queen-sized bed, curled up in a ball on my side.

Rian flicked off the light so the only light illuminating the room was the TV, and he came over to sit down on his bed. I felt his hand on my shoulder and flinched slightly at the sudden contact. "Zack, are you okay?" he asked.

I almost said yes, but stopped myself before I could. I was sick of hiding my feelings - keeping my feelings bottled up is what caused all my problems. I shook my head, closing my eyes. "No," I whispered.

"Talk to me, Zack," Rian said, squeezing my shoulder reassuringly.

I rolled onto my back, pushing myself up into a sitting position as I looked over at Rian. "I've got so much on my mind it's not even funny."

"Like what?"

"Like the fact that I could have fucking died today. I didn't realize how risky my cutting was until... this happened," I gestured at the bandage on my left arm. "And I feel so bad for yelling at you earlier."

Rian shrugged, "It's no big deal, bro."

"Yeah, it is. You've seriously saved my life at least three times now, and yet I still doubted that you cared about me," I sighed heavily, putting my face in my hands. "If you hadn't showed up, I could be dead... thank you, Rian."

Rian patted me on the back, "That's what friends are for.” We were quiet for a few moments before he asked, “So what’s up with you and Alex?”

I sighed, “I forgave him, but told him I wasn’t sure if I want to be his boyfriend still. He told me to think about it and then talk to him.”

“Oh.” Rian looked up at me. “What are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t know. I miss him, but he didn’t exactly prove that I can trust him,” I said, tracing the patterns on the blanket I was under.

“To be honest, I think you should give him another chance,” Rian admitted.

I looked up at him in surprise, “You’re the one who wanted to beat the shit out of him for it!”

“Yeah, but after tonight I realized he does care; I thought he was just playing with you. And you’re a lot happier with him,” he shrugged. “I’d give him a chance. If he fucks that up, you can just leave him.”

I nodded. “I might. I’m going to talk to him after I talk to my parents tomorrow,” I sighed, lying down again. Rian lay down also, yawning.

“I want to stop,” I said quietly, breaking the silence.

“Huh?” Rian opened his eyes to look over at me.

“I want to stop cutting.”

He looked surprised, “I didn’t think it would be this easy to make you decide to stop.”

“After all the shit that happened tonight, I kind of realized that it’s not the best thing to do. I can’t do it alone, though,” I admitted.

“I’ll help you; and so will your parents and Alex. We’re all here for you,” Rian smiled slightly. “But if you don’t let me go to sleep, I might have to hurt you.”

I chuckled, rolling over. “Will do.”

••••••••••

“Oh my God, Zack!” my mom exclaimed, making me cringe. I had just sat down with my parents to show them my stitches and cuts. It had taken a lot of courage, but I finally decided to tell them.

“How long have you been doing this?” my dad asked, not quite as emotional over it as my mom, but still looking hurt.

“Almost a week. Last night Rian and I had a little fight, and I ran off. He and Alex came looking for me, and Alex yelled my name as I was cutting, so I accidentally cut way deeper than I intended,” I looked down at my hands. “Rian took me to get stitches at the hospital. I was afraid to tell you guys, so he let me stay at his house.”

“You should have told us that you were in the hospital; that isn’t something you keep from your parents,” my dad scolded.

“Zack, I thought we finally got over the cutting problem,” my mom said. She looked ready to cry, which made me feel upset and guilty.

“I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have started doing it again,” I sighed. “But I’m not going to do it anymore; I’m going to stop. Rian said he’ll help me through it and I hope you guys will too...”

“Of course we will. We don’t want you to do this anymore,” my mom said.

“Thanks,” I said quietly, and my mom came over to hug me. I looked over at her after she let go. “Do you guys mind if I go over to Alex’s house? I need to talk to him.”

My mom and dad finally let me go over to Alex’s house after making me eat breakfast and helping me put a new bandage over my stitches. I rang the doorbell and Alex’s mom opened the door a few seconds later, smiling when she saw me. “Zack! I haven’t seen you in a while,” she said, letting me inside.

“Yeah, Alex and I kind of had a fight,” I said, and she nodded.

“He told me all about it. Go on up to his room; I won’t bother you guys.”

I headed up to Alex’s room and heard the sound of his guitar playing through the door. It didn’t sound like a song I’d heard before. I knocked on the door and the sound stopped suddenly. Alex pulled the door open, looking surprised to see me. “Uh, hey. You can come in,” he said, stepping back to let me in his room. I walked in and he shut the door behind me, turning to face me. “You thought about it?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said, nodding.

“Can I just do one thing before you tell me your decision?” Alex asked hopefully.

“Um, sure?” I said uncertainly, sitting down on his bed.

“This is really cheesy, but whatever,” Alex admitted. He picked up his guitar and sat down next to me. Oh gosh. He started to play it, and I recognized the music as the music I had heard from outside his room.

I said I'd never forget your face
Vaulted away inside my head
And memories never seem to fade
You were the best part of my life, my last regret

Now I've walked this line a thousand times before
It hurts too much to bear
For you, I'd tear out my own heart
And write our names together

Your love is the barrel of a gun
So tell me, am I on the right end?
I could be nothing but a memory to you
Don't let this memory fade away

And in the end, we're turning on and off again
There's a look in your eye
And it's screaming "goodbye"
I'd hate to watch you cry

Your love is the barrel of a gun
So tell me, am I on the right end?
I could be nothing but a memory to you
Don't let this memory fade away

There's a look in your eye
And it's screaming "goodbye"
Now it tears me apart just to look at the sky
And I'd hate to watch you cry
I'd hate to watch you cry

Your love is the barrel of a gun
So tell me, am I on the right end?
I could be nothing but a memory to you
Don't let this memory fade away

Alex set the guitar down beside him, looking up at me hesitantly. “I’ve been working on that song all week; I just finished it last night. I wrote it for you,” he said shyly.

I smiled slightly as I looked up at him, trying to keep tears from falling. I was too emotional lately. “You’re so cheesy.”

Alex let out a nervous laugh, shrugging, “I enjoy being cheesy.”

“I’ve noticed.” I looked down with a sigh. “I did make my decision, though.”

“Which is?”

“I really want to be your boyfriend still,” I said, looking up. Alex smiled widely, and I smiled too. His smile was contagious.

“Really?” he asked, excitement in his voice.

I chuckled softly, “Just promise me one thing.”

“Sure; anything.”

“Please promise you won’t hurt me again,” I said, my voice quiet.

Alex nodded and pulled me closer to him, his face close to mine. “I promise I won’t hurt you,” he whispered.

“Then yes, I’ll still be your boyfriend,” I smiled, and he leaned in to press a gentle kiss to my lips. “You know, I’m not fragile; I won’t break if you kiss me harder,” I teased.

“Good; because I didn’t plan on continuing to be gentle,” Alex said with a chuckle, pushing me back on the bed and kissing me with more force. I tangled my hands in his hair and pulled him closer, despite the pain that resulted from my arm moving. He slipped his tongue in my mouth and I deepened the kiss as I lowered my hands to his hips. Alex rolled to his side, not breaking the kiss. I whimpered slightly as his weight rested on my bandaged arm, and he pulled away quickly. "What?"

"My arm," I murmured, pulling it away from him.

"Oops. Sorry," he apologized, linking his hand with mine as he lay beside me.

"'S okay, Lex," I assured him, squeezing his hand.

"'Lex'?" Alex smirked at me.

I blushed, "Shut up."

"I like it; it's cute," he grinned, scooting over to kiss the crook of my neck. "So should I start calling you Zacky?" he teased.

"Don’t you even dare."