Choke on Your Misery

Zack

"I-I've been teased in bits and pieces since middle school, but it was never about serious stuff. In eighth grade, the worst thing I was teased about was my voice changing; not a big deal. But when I got into ninth grade, people started to be a little more mean. The testosterone kicked in and all the guys wanted to be the toughest. It was around then that I realized that I-I was attracted to guys and girls; that I was bisexual," I told him, stuttering slightly as I spoke. I wasn’t used to talking this much.

I looked up to see Alex's reaction. He looked surprised, but was listening intently. I'd never spoken to Alex this much at one time; not anyone, really. I wasn't sure why I was even sharing this with him. I think I just needed to get it of my chest to someone other than Rian, and I knew I could trust Alex by now.

"I told one friend that I was bi - a friend that I trusted to not tell anyone else. He went and told people though, and eventually the whole school knew. That's when the bullying really started. I was on the football team, but when the other guys found out, no one wanted to practice with me. All the guys just called me a faggot and said that I was only in the sport to touch other guys. Which I-I wasn't," I added, looking down at my hands. I didn’t like telling this to people; talking about being bullied just made me feel weak and stupid.

"I-I got beaten up pretty badly at practice one day, and that's when I decided to quit playing football. I told my mom I'd just had a rough practice, which she believed at the time. By tenth grade, the bullying continued. I didn't bother to join the football team because I knew the same thing would happen. The teasing and bullying continued the entire year. I had no real friends left at Towson; Rian was my only friend, and he obviously wasn't there with me. Do you know what it feels like, being alone for two years? It’s terrible. I was always getting shoved around the hallways. It wasn't just guys, either; there were a lot of girls who joined in on the teasing. I buffed up a little more to try and show that I could beat someone up as easily as they had beaten me up. That didn't stop them; they just stopped doing physical violence. They kept up the name-calling and verbal violence." Alex had gotten up from my desk chair to sit next to me on my bed.

"I kind of withdrew from everyone by the end of that year. During the summer I was out skateboarding at the park when some guys came up and started up the bullying. I-I got beaten up again for no real reason at all. They just wanted to prove that they were stronger than me. That's when my parents finally realized something was up; when I came home with a bloody nose and black eye. I didn't go anywhere but occasionally Rian's house for the rest of the summer. When junior year started, things got worse. Everywhere I went, someone was calling me names or pushing me around. I stopped talking to everyone, including teachers, and that just made them think I was... giving up on myself. Which I kind of was." I looked up at Alex, who was still listening closely. I was getting to the part I didn’t like talking about; the main reason I didn’t want to share my “secret” with anyone.

"By the end of September, I was skipping school. The school contacted my parents about it and they grounded me, but that didn't stop me. When school got too unbearable, I just snuck out. I-I was starting to have anxiety attacks at school when I was confronted with a bunch of idiots bullying me. That was scary as hell the first few times. It sucked. My mom and dad made me to see the school counselor, but I skipped out on some of those sessions if it was a day I was having a hard time in school. By October, my anxiety and frustration was so bad, I... I started cutting myself. I got away with it for about a month, until my mom saw a cut on my wrist one day. I hadn't pulled my sleeves down enough and she saw them." I took a shaky breath and pushed my sleeves up to my elbows to show Alex the many scars on my arms. He gasped as he saw just how many there were. I looked away from him, hoping he wouldn’t be freaked out.

"They freaked out on me and took me to some psychiatrist, convinced that I was going into depression or something. I guess I kind of was. The psychiatrist had my parents take away every sharp object I could possibly get to. I wasn’t even allowed to cut my own damn food with a knife, because my mom was afraid I’d do something. At school, I had to go see the counselor twice a day. More, if I was feeling upset. I had to take some stupid anti-depressant pills, but they switched those to anti-anxiety pills after a few weeks.

“School was more miserable than ever because I still got bullied, and instead of telling the kids off, the teachers would just send me to the counselor to talk it out. I-I broke down crying almost every day after school because no one understood what I was going through. My mom and dad tried to help, but they freaked out if I broke down crying or got angry. They weren't really any help at all. Rian was the only one who tried to understand it from my point of view. He would come over and listen to me vent some days. There were times that I actually considered suicide; if it hadn't been for Rian to talk me through my bad days, I might have done it. That's what scares me the most about the whole thing." By now I was in tears, silently crying as I told this to Alex. Alex was biting his lip, a pained expression on his face. I was surprised he hadn’t freaked out yet.

"Over winter break, my parents finally decided that we needed to move away from there. We moved here, only fifteen minutes away, because I could to go a different school and they could be in the same area and still keep their jobs. I changed my hair in hopes that no one at Dulaney would realize who I was, if they had heard about me from their friends at Towson. That, and I was sick of my old hair; it used be longer and brown, my natural color. I still have to take the anti-anxiety pills, but not nearly as often as I used to. When I... when I met you I thought I might actually get some new friends and start my life over. But a few people have heard of me from their friends at Towson and they've been bringing up the incident, and teasing me about having to see a counselor and shit like that. I hate thinking about it. I hate it. I just want to restart my life with no one to judge me," I said, shaking my head as I tried to wipe away some of my tears. I was crying in front of Alex - lovely. This is why telling the story made me feel weak.

Alex surprised me by reaching out and hugging me. I stiffened up for a second, but rested my head on his shoulder as my tears continued. "Zack, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd cry if you told me. I didn't realize how bad it was," he said, rubbing my back gently.

"It-it's fine. I needed to get it off my chest. Sorry; I didn't think I would cry," I said, pulling away from him as my tears slowed. I wiped my face hastily.

"It's okay, really. I sort of know what you're going through," Alex said. His arm was still around my shoulders.

I frowned, "Please don't say that."

"No, really; the depression part. My-my older, half-brother died a few years ago. He was an alcoholic. It tore my whole family up. I blamed it on myself for not helping him, and I was depressed for months. My mom was pretty depressed too. I wouldn’t talk to anyone, and even Jack couldn’t cheer me up. My friends finally pulled me out of the hole of depression after a while, and I realized that life goes on. No matter what happens, or what people do or say, you have to learn to get past it. And it's easier when you have friends to watch your back," he said, looking over at me.

"Yeah, but you actually have a bunch of friends. I don't," I mumbled.

"I only have a few close friends. You've got Rian, and me," he said with a smile, squeezing my shoulder. "Plus Jack, since he says you're his new best friend..." I chuckled, smiling, and Alex grinned triumphantly, "Yes! I made you smile!"

"Is it really that big of an accomplishment?" I asked, amused.

"It is! You don't smile nearly enough. I like seeing your smile," Alex said shyly, and I blushed.

"Thanks," I replied softly. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about Alex. I was bi, and I had liked guys before, but never had the chance to date one. The bullying at Towson hadn’t allowed that. I knew that I felt something other than friendship with him, though.

Alex smiled, taking his arm off my shoulder. "Do you want to come over to my house and play video games or something, or would you rather just hang out here and talk?" he asked.

"Let's stay here. I like just hanging out and talking with you."