Kill The Gerard

I sat in the old oak pew, tears flowing down my pale cheeks. Ray, next to me, wrapped a comforting arm around my shoulder. I leaned my heavy head on his shoulder as the tears fell faster. I couldn’t believe that this was happening, couldn’t believe that he was gone. It was horrible, and it felt like my world was crashing down around me. Maybe it was.

Mikey was at the alter, his glasses foggy as he reminded everyone of the good ol’ days, before Gee started drinking. I remembered those days; the days when I was just Bob’s little sister, when the boys were still having a hard time accepting me.

I was eight years old and idly following Bob to the park with two Barbies clutched tightly in my chubby little fingers.

There was a collective groan as the other four boys noticed me trailing behind my older brother.

“She’s not hurting anything,” Bob defended, shoving his fists in his pockets.

“She has cooties,” insisted a thirteen-year old Gerard.

I remember looking up at him with the Bryar blue eyes, my bottom lip jutting out slightly.

“I do not!” I exclaimed, my tiny fists on my hips.

“Do too!” Gee yelled back, getting in my face.

“Do not!”

“Do too!”

“Do not!”

We were finally intercepted by Bob, who gently pushed Gerard away.

“Leave her alone,” he said softly, standing in front of me.

“What do you care? She’s just a girl,” Gerard said, gesturing towards me.

I chuckled softly through my tears. Just a girl. As the years had passed, Gerard hadn’t seemed to mind too much about me trailing Bob everywhere.

The funeral ended, and we all loaded into several cars for the ride to the cemetery. I laid my head against the cool glass. It felt nice and relaxing against my heated cheeks.

“You alright?” my older brother asked, reaching over and gently grasping my left hand.

I squeezed back as I nodded. “I’m good.”

I peered out the window at a familiar neighborhood. We passed the little pizzeria that was home of my first job.

I was cleaning a table when the guys walked in, bringing in a gust of cold November wind. I had just turned sixteen and was excited about finally getting a job and being able to help around the house.

“Hey guys!” I called, beckoning them to a booth near the back.

They pulled off their heavy jackets and tossed them on a nearby table. They shoved themselves into the booth, talking excitedly of the day’s events.

“How has work been?” Bob asked, staring at the menu.

I shrugged. “It was alright,” I mumbled.

”Well, it’s about to get better, because Gee got paid and he’s going to leave you a fat tip,” Frank said, slapping Gerard on the shoulder.

“I hope it includes a ride home,” I replied, glancing at the large wall clock.

Gee smiled to himself before ordering. He always gave me a ride home, even when Bob had the night off. It was sort of a mutual agreement. After getting everyone else’s order, I walked into the back. I found my co-worker, Danni, peering at my friends through the small window in the swinging door.

“Who is that?” She asked as I passed my order form to the grease-covered hands of the cook.

Danni was a bit older than me, around Bob’s age. She was easy-going and a great listener. She took me under her wing as soon as I began working with her.

I wiped my hands on my apron as I peered through the window with her. “Which one?” I asked.

“The blonde,” she said, pointing.

Danni had never met my friends before. She had heard stories, but the guys were always rehearsing and never came around my work.

I raised an eyebrow at her. “That’s my brother,” I stated.

She slowly turned, her eyes wide. “I’m sorry Nessa!” Her brow furrowed. “I thought I saw a resemblance.”

I laughed. “Come on. I’ll introduce you.”

We walked through the double doors, leaving the cooks to fend for themselves.

“Which one is Gerard?” she whispered.

I had poured my heart out to Danni one night about Gerard, and how I liked him but I feared I was always going to be his best friend’s little sister. I didn’t think I could ever get him to notice me, and Danni gave me some good advice. Not that I’d ever use it, though.

“The one in the right corner, with black hair,” I responded quietly.

We pulled up chairs at the edge of the booth. After a quick round of introductions, the cook called out that the orders were ready. I stood to grab the pizza, eyeing Danni. She was slightly busy making gaga eyes at Bob, so Gee offered to help.

I couldn’t help but realize that he looked deep in thought. I nudged him gently in the side.

“Gee, you alright?” I asked, worry laced in my words.

He stopped and ran a hand through his long hair. I fiddled with the hem of my apron as I watched him.

“Nessy,” he began, “You’ve grown up a lot.”

I had. I had finally grown what could be considered boobs and was getting a slight figure. Boys had even started taken interest in me. Bob was going crazy with it, answering the phone and the door, a sneer on his face and a growl in his voice.

I nodded, wondering where this conversation was going.

“I know I’m a bit older than you, but I’ve known you since we were really little. I just…”

He trailed off and looked up. His ice blue eyes bore into me, causing a warm flutter up and down my spine. He leaned forward and kissed me lightly before walking away to grab the pizza.

I stood, my feet frozen to the ground. I think I had gone into shock. My first kiss by my first crush. I didn’t know what to think or do. So, I grabbed the rest of the pizzas and went back to the table.

Nothing happened between me and Gee after that. Things went back to normal after awhile, and the kiss was forgotten.

We arrived at the cemetery a few seconds later. I guess people were right when they said that thinking of better times heals you faster, because the pain in my heart had gone down a bit.

Bob offered me his arm. I gratefully took it, glad for some support. Frank took up my other side, placing a gentle hand on the small of my back.

We walked across the wet lawn to the deep grey canopy that had been set up in case it rained again.

I stared, deep in thought, at the raised coffin as the preacher began the final prayers.

Three years after the one kiss from Gerard, shortly after I turned nineteen, Gee showed up unannounced at my apartment, a smile on his face.

“Hey Gee,” I said as I opened the door.

He came in, looking around. I was living slightly off campus in a small two-bedroom apartment with Danni, my old co-worker and Bob’s new girlfriend.

“Where’s Danni?” he asked, plopping down on our beaten couch.

I shrugged as I sat down, pulling a pillow onto my lap. “Probably out with Bob,” I said with a slight smile.

Gerard nodded as he picked at a small hole on the arm. I wondered then why he had come to see me. He hadn’t come to see me in a long time, especially by himself. For some reason, I thought it was because he couldn’t trust himself alone with me.

He peered at the far wall, where Green Day posters and pictures of me and the guys hung.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about you,” he said almost inaudibly.

My heartbeat quickened. My feelings for Gerard had never changed over the years. I had been madly in love with him since I was thirteen. At first, it had been just because he was my brother’s older, more cooler, friend. Then, as the years went on, the feelings intensified. I knew I loved him the night he kissed me.

“I can’t get you out of my head, Nessa.”

He reached over and pulled me towards him, kissing me hard on the mouth. I deepened the kiss as he grasped my shoulders. It felt like he was scared to let go. We stayed like that for what seemed like hours. He ran his long fingers through my platinum blonde hair and I melted.

We heard the key in the lock and quickly pulled away. I didn’t feel ashamed of Gerard. I just wasn’t ready to face Bob. I knew he would have something to say about it. There had always been an unspoken agreement that I would not date any of his friends.

I smiled as I heard Bob and Danni chattering in the hall.

“I’m in here,” I called.

They entered the living room and stopped dead.

“Hey Gee,” Danni said quietly, dropping her keys on the small end table.

“Hey,” Gerard replied, staring at his hands.

I could feel Bob’s eyes on me. I timidly looked up at him. His eyes told me everything. To me, Bob was as readable as an open book. I stood, a smile pulling at my lips. I enveloped him in a hug, thankful that he wasn’t angry. He squeezed me tightly.

“I’m glad you’re happy,” he whispered softly in my ear.

I pulled away and kissed his cheek before sitting back on the couch. Danni smiled at us knowingly, then walked to her room. Bob turned to follow. He stopped at the edge of the grungy brown carpet of the living room.

“Don’t hurt her Gee,” he said without turning, then continued on into Danni’s room.

We were inseparable after that.

I stood at the edge of Gee’s grave, the rain falling steadily around me. Everyone had left, except for Bob, who was waiting in the car. I gently twirled a single red rose in my hand. Tears fell as steadily as the rain.

“Oh Gee,” I whispered, clenching my eyes shut.

I remembered the first day he came home drunk as though it was yesterday.

Three months after Gee and I started dating, I was awoken at nearly two in the morning to a loud knock on the door. I peered at the empty bed next to me. I got up and pulled on a robe, more concerned about where Gerard was than who was knocking at my door.

I unlocked it, leaving the chain intact. I opened it as far as it would go and saw Gerard, leaning against the stairwell with a goofy smile.

“Gerard!” I exclaimed, taking the chain off and opening the door wide.

He stumbled inside, giggling non-stop. I grabbed his shoulders when he nearly fell over the coffee table. I forced him to face me.

“You’re drunk, Gee,” I stated in disgust.

He gave me a drunken smile. “Just a little bit.”

I shook my head as I led him to the bedroom. I got him into bed, then placed a bucket near his head. I sat behind him all night as he puked and moaned, a comforting hand rubbing his back.

I wondered what happened to him. I had never seen him like that and it scared me. I didn’t know what would happen if I ever lost Gerard.

I knew now exactly what it was like to lose him. With one final glance at the rose, I tossed it down on top of Gerard’s coffin. I turned and headed slowly back to the car. The rain drenched me and my long blonde hair stuck to my arms, my dress clinging to my curves. I held my hands out to catch the raindrops. I stopped and tilted my head back, my eyes closed. My salty tears mixed in with the rain as it gently glided down my cheeks.

“Vanessa!” I heard my brother call.

I ignored him. It was just two days ago that I had received the life-changing call.

I was studying for mid-term finals, my mind on the architecture of the Renaissance. It had been five years since Gerard and I had started dating; Three since we had gotten engaged, and two since we had gotten married. Over the years, his drinking had gotten worse. He was coming home more often drunk than not. It scared me, but no matter what I said to my dear husband, he wouldn’t stop.

I had Green Day playing softly as I browsed through the chapters. The phone rang, causing me to jump slightly. I reached over and grabbed the receiver.

“Hello?” I asked, tapping my pen on the desk.

“Nessa?”

My brother’s voice was quiet and I could hear the deep sadness.

“Bob? What’s wrong?” I dropped the pen and stood, ready to go to my brother.

“It’s Gerard. He was driving drunk and there was an accident,” my brother choked on his words, “I’m sorry Ness. He died at the site.”

I dropped into the chair, my tears splattering my notes. My Gerard. I couldn’t believe that the love of my life was gone. I was never going to hold him again, to smell his sweet scent, or feel his soft lips on mine.

“Bob,” I managed to get out.

He said nothing, just stayed on the line and cried with me.

“Nessa?” my brother said softly, holding an umbrella over my head.

I looked over my shoulder as the workers continued to cover my husband’s coffin.

I nodded. “I’m ready,” I whispered before continuing towards the car, a hand over my swollen stomach that housed our baby girl.