Who We Are

It was like nothing else. It was deafening and bright and sweaty and I never thought I would’ve liked it as much as I did. My hands grasped the barrier that was pushed right up to the stage and Ronnie’s arms were around me, his hands holding on next to mine. His body pressed relentlessly against my back, holding off the onslaught of people trying to push forward against us, trying to lose themselves in everything around them.

I was overwhelmed by Ronnie, completed incapacitated by all of him. His body was pushed against my back, his arms like steel around me, and his mouth was at my ear, whispering lyrics in my ear along with the vocalist who wrote them. I was caught up in him, excited by the feel of him, and I was enjoying myself more than I thought possible.

He was able to step back slightly when the band took a small break to get some water, just enough for me to sweep my matted curls into a ponytail and for my lungs to expand like they were supposed to.

He watched me, still holding onto the barrier behind me with one hand, the other messing with the loops on my jeans near my hips, his fingers brushing against my skin every few seconds. I turned around, leaning back against the bar to break the contact.

He smiled, matted hair sticking to his face, tilting his head down towards me like we were in our own world. “You okay?”

I smiled brightly, fiddling with the end of his shirt, watching greedily as it peeled away from his body, his sweat holding it against his stomach. “I’m great,” I said, biting my bottom lip between my teeth as I looked him over.

He gazed over me like he was trying to validate my words, but as he did so, his eyes darkened the slightest bit and his fingers found their way back to my skin, gently pressing in against the jut of my hipbone. His dark eyes moved back to mine, and he gently twisted my hair around his fingers.

He dipped his head slightly. “You really shouldn’t look at me like that when there are other people in the room,” he murmured quietly, his eyes explaining his words as they moved over me.

I pushed up onto the tips of my toes and kissed his mouth. My fingers pushed through his damp hair and tangled there, holding his lips to mine. He moved his body forward, eliminating any space from between us as he backed me into the barrier, his hands on either side of my neck, his thumbs pressing into my jaw.

It wasn’t until the lights went down again and the band’s voices were overpowered by everyone whooping and hollering that we pulled apart. I turned around to face the stage and Ronnie wrapped his arms over my shoulders, leaning on me just enough.

“Alright, we’ve only got about two songs left you,” Ahrem said, holding a beer up as a cheers, “and then we’ll get the fuck out of the way and let Escape the Fate take the stage!”

A lot of people cheered as Ahrem clapped the best he would and then gulped down half of his drink. Then he grinned over our heads and winked at someone in the back. Both Ronnie and I looked back.

Carter stood just in front of the bar and looked back unhappily with his arms crossed. Ronnie chuckled in my ear and then replied to my expression. “Carter doesn’t like it when we drink here,” he said. “We’re not exactly twenty-one.”

As the other band started in on their second to last song, Ronnie pressed his mouth against my neck, making me hyperaware of everyone around us. I glanced at the people nearest to us, knowing that a lot of them had spent the night with their eyes on Ronnie, and leaned back against the singer, causing him to wrap his arms around my waist.

“We’ve got to go soon,” he said loud enough for me to hear, his body turning as he looked back to his band mates, “We’ve got to get set up to go on time.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me diagonally through the crowd, sliding between bodies as he made a path to the back of the bar. When we got to the band my sister, Riley was there, having appeared sometime within the last few minutes. He grinned at the sight of me and nodded towards the stage.

“Having fun?” he questioned, leaning back against the wall.

I grinned and nodded.

Ronnie yanked the plastic cup from Max’s hand. “How many have you had of these already?” he asked, taking a drink as he eyed his best friend.

Max shrugged, but Gwen answered for him. “That’s three,” she said, meeting Max’s glare with her own. Ronnie faltered for a minute and then held the cup out towards my sister.

“You seem like the responsible one,” he said, pausing to take another sip, “You get rid of this.” He forced it into her unwilling hands and then turned towards his younger brother, ignoring all of our surprised looks. “Did you bring my other mic?” he questioned.

Gwen reached across our circle of people and set the drink down on the edge of the bar like it was beneath her. Riley nodded. “It’s already in the back.”

Ronnie smiled genuinely at his younger brother. It was a smile that I didn’t see very often but was always directed towards Riley. It was gone as quick as it appeared and Ronnie didn’t say another word to his brother before he clapped his hands together and began herding the guys off.

He turned back towards Gwen, Riley, and I when he realized that we weren’t following like the others. “I promised your dad you’d stay with me,” he said almost guiltily, “I’d let you stay here, but I know he’ll know if I let you out of my sight.”

“We have to wait for Dean,” I replied, “He should be here soon and then we’ll head back that way.” Upon seeing his wary look I added, “Riley will stay out here with us and pretend to be you until then.”

Ronnie rolled his eyes at me but I caught the smile playing on the edges of his lips.

“We’ll be alright,” I reassured, grabbing his fingers with my own, “We’ll stay right in this spot, you’ll be able to see us if you peek out from stage.” I smiled to reassure him, stepping closer automatically, aware that my sister was watching in the same careful way that she had been all night.

He pressed his lips together, staring at me with dark eyes. I looked at him the same way, watching as his eyes darted past me, settling on someone behind us. I turned quickly, expecting it to be Dean, but my smile dropped when an unfortunately familiar mop of green hair registered instead, heading towards us.

“No,” Ronnie said firmly, eyes hard and expression finite, “Riley will wait here, you two will come with me.” He smiled purposefully at his brother and wrapped his arm around my shoulders before grabbing Gwen’s arm and dragging the two of us towards the backstage door.

“Ow,” Gwen complained, wrenching her arm from his fingers, “What’s the urgency about, Radke? You almost yanked my arm off.”

He pulled open the black door and stepped back for us to go through, answering Gwen’s question as she passed him. “No reason,” he said, eyeing the guy who had now stopped walking just feet from Riley, “Just really excited to get on stage.” He stepped into the dark hall behind us and closed the door loudly.

We followed him as he headed back to the same room as before, yelling for Max as he went. Gwen sent me a look that basically asked if he was losing his mind and I just shrugged, excited by his excitement.

Gwen stayed by my side while the ETF boys warmed up in the little alcove just down the steps from the stage. They bounced and yelled and laughed at each other, becoming overwhelmed by their excitement to be back on stage.

When the other band came off stage, they headed towards the guys, wishing them a good show as they wiped their bodies with towels. “We’ll be out front,” one of them said to they as they slid past us, “Have a good show.”

The four sweaty guys took off through the doorway and then the ETF boys turned towards stage. Ronnie wrapped his arms around my shoulders, hugging me to his body.

“Have a good show,” I said, outlining his ribs with my fingers.

He stood straight enough to kiss me and nodded. His fingers swept a strand of hair behind my ear before he led the boys on stage to be met with the sound of cheers. I grabbed my sister’s arm and pulled her up the steps so that we were just off to the side of the boys.

I leaned back against the rail and watched them as they greeted all the people in front of them. Ronnie was a different person on stage. He was purging himself, letting go of everything that was dragging him down, and his smile was electric. He was gorgeous.

His hair was shaggy and fell to his shoulders normally, sticking to his forehead as he sang, his eyes closed as he lost himself. When I looked away, I caught my sister looking at me. “What?” I asked, turning to face her slightly, keeping Ronnie in sight as well.

She folded her arms over her stomach and shrugged. “Nothing.”

I smiled too, eyes wandering back to the vocalist. “Fine, then don’t tell me,” I answered; trying to forget the look she was giving me.

She caved. “It’s just that I haven’t seen you like this before,” she explained, turning to face me completely, “I’m just trying to get used to the sight of you together. This definitely wasn’t what I was expecting.”

“What were you expecting?”

“I don’t know,” she replied, “You kept saying that Ronnie was different then he was at school, but it was really hard to believe you because he’s always so serious, so… dark. But he’s not really, not with you at least. And you’re different around him too.”

I shifted my gaze to the floor as I smiled, lifting my shoulders in a shrug. “I don’t know what it is about him that makes me like this,” I answered, knowing that there was something altered in me now, “I just love him, Gwen. I can’t imagine not being with him.”

We’d never talked like this before, not about boys. We always danced around serious topics, trying our hardest to keep our conversations light. And while there was something about the singer that made me feel like I was walking on air, I also felt anchored to him. Completely enthralled.

I wasn’t sure how to explain it to her.

My sister was tough and usually said what was on her mind, but she was softer tonight. “It’s weird to think that you like him that much,” she said, glancing at the boy, “Just a few months ago you didn’t feel anything for him. Now this.”

“Yeah, it’s weird,” I agreed with a laugh, “I don’t know how it happened either.”

We both turned as someone came screaming at us from behind. It was Dean with Riley and Andre and he barreled towards us excitedly. “This is awesome!” he cheered, wrapping Gwen and I up in his arms, “This is like VIP or something. I can’t believe you’re dating a famous musician, Kat!”

I laughed as I steadied him in my arms, holding on until he was standing up straight and facing the right direction. “He’s hardly famous,” I replied, grinning at the other two boys as they walked up the stairs, “Hey, Andre. Nice to see you again.”

He walked over and stood near Dean, offering a polite smile in return. The animated boy replied, rolling his eyes at my denial. “Look at him out there. He’s in his glory and those people are absolutely in love with your boyfriend.”

I glanced out at the people crowded against the stage. They were covered in sweat and most were signing along with every word, hands thrown in the air, their eyes trained on the boys on stage. Ronnie was loving it, stepping up so that he was bridging the gap between the stage and the barrier, yanking the cord of the mic so he could get that much closer to the crowd.

Max was the same way, along side his best friend, the two of them partially standing on the barrier as they put on the best show they could, enjoying themselves more than anything else in the world.

Girls near the front pressed forward to touch the boys, their hands grasping at pant legs and cords and the edges of Max’s bass. I watched as the boys looked at each other, matching grins on their faces before they retreated to the stage. Ronnie stopped singing for a fraction of a second as he tripped over his own cord and caught himself on the drum set. He landed awkwardly, grasping the edge of the bass drum as he paused to untangle his ankle from the mic cord.

When he freed himself, he turned back to the crowd and picked up at the correct spot in the song. I turned back to Dean and nodded, quietly agreeing with his point. Ronnie was in his glory and the crowd was sopping it up.

Dean caught into the songs easily and got into the music, shooting me an excited look every time Ronnie threw himself around the stage. And when the boys came off stage, they were sweaty and loud and pumped.

Ronnie barreled off stage and straight into my arms, wrapping his arms around my waist as I leaned back against the rail of the stairs to counteract the force of him.

“That was great,” I said as took my hand and pulled me down the stairs with the rest of the band. As we settled back into the green room so the boys could cool down and get something to drink, it was obvious that Dean and Gwendolyn finally noticed the other side of the guys.

“You guys were awesome,” Dean said from his spot on the couch, “I mean, I’d heard that you had a band but I didn’t think that you would be this good.”

The boys grinned at the accidental insult. Max playfully spouted off about their talent being their most well hidden secret and Ronnie sincerely thanked the boy.

I leaned into Ronnie’s side, unable to put into words the way that this moment felt to me, and just watched as my best friend interacted with the people who’d become a big part of my life.

After a about twenty-five minutes, Carter stepped into the room. “Hey boys,” he greeted, leaning against the edge of the couch where Max sat, “The venue is almost cleared out, so you can head out whenever. I’m sending the Tergent boys back soon to clear their things out.”

Ronnie nodded, speaking up for the band. “We’re going to head out soon anyway,” he answered, fiddling with the tips of my hair, “We’ve got placed to be.”

Carter nodded. He was a short man with a slim build and probably almost forty. He wore a casual t’shirt and washed-out jeans and looked at the band as though they were his sons or something. “I’ll get you guys your cut in a few days,” he said easily, smacking Monte’s feet off the coffee table as he moved to sit down between him and Omar.

“Yeah, man, no sweat,” Ronnie answered easily, but I looked at him anyway, noting the subtle changes in his posture that told me it wasn’t good news.

Carter smiled like the boys were doing him a huge favor and clapped his hands together as he stood up. “Let me go see how things are closing down,” he said, sliding past the group on the couch opposite of us, “Feel free to hangout however long you want.”

The band got up all at once and began packing their things away, moving in and out of the room every few minutes as they grabbed their things off stage. After a little while of Dean, Kat, Andre, and I just hanging out in the green room, making small talk with the other band as they moved around us, Ronnie and Riley appeared together.

“You guys ready to go?” the older Radke asked, offering a nod to the Tergent boys.

I looked at Dean and Andre. Dean had a short conversation with the other boy and then turned back to me. “Is it cool if Andre comes and hangs out for awhile?”

“Yeah, it’s fine,” I answered easily.

Ronnie added, “I was going to stop and grab something to eat. I promised their dad I’d make sure they were taken care of tonight. Is that cool?”

“Yeah, I’m starving,” Dean responded, “Where were you thinking? Andre and I will meet you guys there.”

Ronnie’s dark eyes met my light ones before he answered. “The Sunset Diner down near the strip,” he explained, neither of us meeting my sister’s surprised gaze, “You know where it is?”

Dean and Andre shook their heads. The latter answered, “We can follow you, though.”

The group gathered their things and we took off through the back door into the dark. There were still quite a few people loitering in the parking lot, slowly making their way to their vehicles, but we slipped out undetected. Dean and Andre split and went to their car so they could drive over and meet us at the boys’.

Gwen, Riley, and I slipped into the backseat as Max and Ronnie climbed into the front, the older boy driving and Max riding shotgun. The others were taking off to their friend’s party early, promising to meet up with Riley, Ronnie, and Max when they came later.

As we headed to the diner that my mother used to work at, Gwen held unnaturally still in her seat. This was something that Ronnie and I had decided on, but we hadn’t mentioned our plans to my younger sister. It was time for everyone to move on and tonight was the night.