Who We Are

It was late morning when Gwendolyn and I got home from Dean’s. His dad dropped us off on his way to some meeting and spent fifteen minutes parked in the driveway talking to my dad about our night in that way that dads did. Hank, Dean’s father was smiling, but mine looked more skeptical that everything went smoothly.

Gwen dragged me to the door when we arrived, rolling her eyes as I hung on every word the fathers were saying, hoping that Mr. Wallaby might say something about how polite and put together Ronnie had been when he dropped us off the night before.

Gwen had me in the house with the door slammed shut before I got the chance. She threw her bag to the floor by stairs and turned into the kitchen. “Can’t you go thirty seconds in this neighborhood without wanting to be with Ronnie?” she asked, looking back at me over her shoulder as though I was supposed to respond.

“I wasn’t looking for Ronnie,” I answered, following after her, “I was listening to Dad.”

She smiled like she knew something I didn’t and nodded like she didn’t believe me. “Alright,” she said, pulling the fridge open, “You making lunch soon?”

“Where are the girls?” I asked, realizing for the first time that we hadn’t been bombarded at the door by our younger sisters. Gwen stood up, shocked as well, and we both paused to listen for sounds of them. We were met with silence.

“That’s weird,” Gwen said, stepped around the door of the fridge as it swung closed, “Where could they be?” She was about to make the step into the living room when the door swung open and our dad walked inside, looking at us.

“What are you doing?” he asked us, sliding out of his jacket with his eyes on us.

“Where are the girls?” I asked, following him and my sister to the stairs when he started walking.

He was halfway up them before he responded. “They’re at a friend’s house,” he answered, “I dropped them off earlier. They’ll be home later. I’ve got to get ready for work, so I need you to watch them when they get here.”

Gwen was on the second step and she looked down at me. I knew her expression well. She slipped past him and turned into our bedroom and shut the door. My dad stopped walking and looked back at me for me to explain her to him.

“We’ll be here,” I said, not saying much about my sister’s typical attitude. He just nodded and went into his bedroom to change for his shift. I lingered for a moment before I pushed my way into my bedroom and glared at my sister, who was doing the same to me.

She was laying on her bed, arms folded behind her head, eyes glaring daggers at me. She crossed her ankles and raised her eyebrows. “Go ahead,” she said, “Ask me.”

I crossed my arms. “Ask you what?”

“Ask me if I can watch Lissy, Gianna, and Octavia so you can go running all over town with your boyfriend,” she answered, “Just go for it. It’s not going to annoy me any less later.”

I rolled my eyes at her and dropped down onto my bed. “I wasn’t going to ask that,” I answered indignantly, “I don’t know why you keep assuming that I’m obsessed with him or something, Gwendolyn.”

“Because you are, Katerina,” she retorted, “and I saw you two last night. If Dean and I hadn’t been there, would you have said no when he asked you to stay with him?”

My eyes widened at what she was implying and I tried to glare to stop myself from blushing. “Gwen, seriously, don’t say things like that,” I demanded, throwing my pillow across the divide at her, “We’re not like that and you know it.”

She rolled her eyes as well. “Come on, Kat, he may be different than he seems, but he’s still Ronnie Radke, there’s no way he’ll hold out forever. I’m sure there are plenty of other girls he can go to if you don’t want to.”

“Why would you even say something like that?” I asked softly, wondering how her attitude could’ve changed so drastically overnight, “You’ve always been pessimistic, Gwen, but you’ve never been cruel.”

She pressed her lips together and slid her arms over her chest. “I’m just trying to be realistic, Kat. How long is he going to wait around? He’ll be eighteen soon, and then it’s all over.”

As I geared up to yell at her, our dad knocked on the door and peaked his head in, leaning against the wooden frame. “I have to go girls,” he said, looking at us both, “I’ll see you when you get home from school tomorrow.” It was obvious that he wanted to say something more, but instead he just nodded his head and backed out of the room. We called our goodbyes as he headed down the stairs.

I turned my eyes back to Gwendolyn. “Fine, if you want to keep acting like this, then I will go to Ronnie’s,” I answered, moving to grab my still-full bag from my bed, “Watch the girls by yourself.”

I looked out the window as I yanked my favorite jacket from my bag and slid it on. My dad’s police car backed out of the driveway and rolled down the street, completely unaware of my plans for the day. My sister didn’t speak a word out loud but her expression said it all. I hadn’t even taken off my shoes and I was already heading back out for the day.

I tackled the stairs two at a time and pulled the front door open. I was crossing the gap between our yards when a familiar boy came running across the grass behind me, calling my name. I turned around to look at the shaggy haired bassist.

“Max, hey,” I greeted, offering the once-blond boy a smile, “I thought you and Ronnie were together last night?” I asked, looking towards the other boy’s bedroom window.

Max looked semi-guilty. “We were,” he answered, hands shoved into his pockets, “We crashed at a friend’s house, so he’s not home if that’s who you’re looking for.”

“Well, I’m not looking for Brad,” I answered, sliding my arms across my chest. “If he’s not here, what are you doing here?”

Max stepped around me to stand between me and the front porch steps. “Came to get some clean clothes,” he answered, stepping backwards up the stairs, “Ronnie’s still out, so I figured I’d run over and do us both a favor.” Ronnie was a good four or five inches taller than Max and all around smaller, so it would be hard for them to share jeans, but I knew that didn’t matter anyway. Ronnie and Max had been co-habituating long enough to have hoards of each other’s clothes lying around. Max glanced towards the front door and then back to me.

“Do you guys have plans today?” he asked, brushing his fingers through his unwashed, jaggedy hair.

“Not really, I just wanted to get out of the house. My sisters aren’t here, so I managed to get some free time and thought I’d pop over,” I explained, glancing back at my own empty house, “But it’s fine, I’m sure I’ll see him tomorrow or something.”

Max faltered, hand on the door knob and sighed. “You can come with me,” he offered, green eyes on me as I stopped from turning around and looked at him, “Back over to our friend’s place. He threw the party last night and we usually just crash there on late nights.”

“Are there still a lot of people?”

Max shook his head. “Nah, not really. Just Que, his roommates, and a couple of buddies.”

“Que?” I asked, not recognizing the name and wondering if I was supposed to.

“Quentin. It’s his house,” Max answered with a smile, “He and his sister, Amber, threw the party.”

“Oh, gotcha,” I answered, smiling back at him. Max had a comforting way of making things seem less intimidating, and I nodded, agreeing. “I’ll come.”

“Cool,” the bassist said, “Just wait here, I need to go grab some things.” He turned and pushed into the house like the owned it and like he wasn’t afraid of Ronnie’s father being on the other side. I leaned against the porch railings as I waited, nerves in the pit of my stomach. Besides the guys from school, I hadn’t spent much time around the people Ronnie spent his with. I knew there was yet another side to him, but I hadn’t experienced it and never really thought about it. Having him to myself had seemed like enough, I hadn’t imagined that our lives would integrate.

Max came rocketing through the house about ten minutes later, grinning like he’d done something wrong with a cigarette between his teeth. He slammed the door and grabbed my wrist as he yanked me across the yard, laughing.

“What did you do?” I asked as I tried to catch my breath. We were halfway down the block and he was grinning ear to ear. I knew he’d angered someone, I just hoped they hadn’t seen me.

“Nothing,” he answered easily, “Just messing with Brad a little bit.” He chuckled at his own antics and snubbed the cigarette out before sliding it back into his pocket. It was obviously a conflict of interest to run and smoke at the same time. He spoke again when he saw my questioning look. “Brad’s girlfriend is moving in,” he said, surprising me with news that Ronnie hadn’t told me himself, “So she’s there all the time and getting super pregnant and shit so she’s always yelling at him about everything. And Brad’s being a fucking ass about all of it, so it’s just funny to take her side on everything and watch him freak.”

“Plus,” he added, grinning again as he shoved his hand into his pocket, “I stole a twenty from his room for breakfast.”

I laughed at that one and shook my head at him, knowing I wouldn’t want to do anything to get on the older boy’s bad side. Although it seemed that Max had more of a sibling relationship with the older Radke than Ronnie did.

“So, how far is this house?” I asked as we walked. We’d already gone a couple blocks before I realized I had no idea where we were going.

Max looked up from his thoughts to answer. “A neighborhood or so over,” he answered, pointing in the general direction he assumed it was, “Not too far. Que used to go to our school before he moved in with his sister.”

“Did he transfer?”

Max shook his head. “He moved in Amber and just decided it wasn’t for him. Of course, she didn’t care as long as he got a job instead. So now he works at some auto shop on weekdays and parties the rest of the time. Shitty for him, I guess, but pretty great for us.”

“His parents just let him do that?” I questioned, knowing that it sounded naive, but refusing to give up my view of the world, despite what I’d seen in Ronnie and Max’s own home lives.

Max nodded, messing with the cigarette from his pocket. “Not much they could do,” he answered, “His parents didn't really want much to do with them, so they sent him to live with his grandma or something, but it wasn’t working out, so Amber took him in instead.”

“How long have you known them?”

“Ronnie and I met Que in middle school,” he explained, foggy eyes meeting mine, “We were in all the same classes and shit and ran with the same group.” He grabbed my arm as we raced across an intersection and I wondered if it was because he was worried about me tripping or something or knew he would regret it if Ronnie found out he hadn’t been as cautious as possible while leading me across this side of town.

We walked side by side for a few minutes more before we reached the mouth of another old neighborhood and Max led me down to an older house. It was two stories and narrow, with covered windows with chipping blue paint and a small build-in porch covered in things. There was a swing on the other side, but it was impossible to cross the three feet to get to it.

Much like he had at Ronnie’s, Max headed straight in. The screen door was creaky and wailed as he pulled it open and he pushed through the maroon door to the inside. It opened to a staircase on the right, a rectangular living room just ahead, and a dining room that seemed to be used as a makeshift bedroom for an array of party guests. Numerous people were sprawled out on the floor in a mess of blankets, but I didn’t see Ronnie.

Max wandered into the living room ahead of us where another couple was laying together on the couch. Max grabbed something off the coffee table quickly and slipped it into his pocket before glancing into the empty kitchen and turning back around to the stairs. When he saw me look into the dining room (that was completely empty except for sleeping bodies and blankets), he explained that Amber and Que decided to make it into another bedroom for friends of theirs, although now it was mostly just people crashing on the floor.

“Max, where you been, man?”

We both looked up to the top of the stairs as another man stood there in just sweats. He’d obviously just rolled out of bed and was smiling at the bassist. Max grinned back. “Just ran to get some things,” he answered, eyes looking over the guy’s shoulder into the bedroom across the hall from the stairs, “What did you get up to last night?”

The boy grinned and laughed. “Nothing, man,” he replied, “What about you?” His eyes settled on me and he smiled friendly, but I didn’t miss what he was implying.

Max rolled his eyes. “Que, this is Kat, Ronnie’s girlfriend. Kat, Que.”

The brown haired host smiled and tromped down a couple stairs to shake my hand. “Nice to meet you,” he said, rubbing his eyes with his hand, “Feel free to join us for the actual party next time. I’m afraid our after parties don’t quite make it through the morning.”

“At least there’s floor space,” I answered.

Que laughed and nodded, sliding past the two of us. “If you’re looking for your boy, I think he ended up in Amber’s room last night.” He chuckled as he headed down the stairs and disappeared on his way to the bathroom.

I was stunned silent by what he said and looked to Max to clarify, but the older boy didn’t say much. He just continued up the stairs and around the corner to the right. The only door was dark wood and closed firmly. Max just looked at it for a moment before he turned back towards the stairs and called for Que.

“Your sister here still?” he asked when the other boy came back around the corner with a cup of something, “I need to fish Ronnie out, but I’m not going to risk it.”

Que grinned. “You still haven’t told me what you did to piss her off,” he said to Max, “I’d really like to know what kind of shit you pulled with my sister.”

Max rolled his eyes. “I didn’t do anything,” he answered with a slight laugh, ”She’s just jealous of anyone that’s closer to Ronnie than she is, you know that.”

“I think she likes him more than she likes me,” Que agreed, leaning against the banister, “It’s fucking creepy how she adores him. And no, she’s not here. Left for work around eight.” He waited for Max to say something more, but the bassist just thanked him and climbed back up the stairs to where I was standing.

“Que’s sister would kill me if she found out I was in her room,” he said, reaching for the door handle despite that fact, “She’s not really a people person.”

“But she likes Ronnie?”

Max nodded. “It’s weird with her. She’s practically in love with him or something. Just totally fucking babies him. She would kill me if it meant saving him.”

“How old is she?” I asked, made completely uneasy by their descriptions of her.

“I don’t know, like twenty-three or something,” he answered with a shrug, “She looks out for Ronnie. Treats him like a prince. Why, I don’t know, but it’s always been that way with them. It’s not good for his ego.”

He pushed the door open before I could say anything else and was completely oblivious to how I was feeling. It was a decent sized room with off-white walls and pink details and the window was large along the right wall. Beneath the window was a desk with a large mirror and photos were stuck to it. My brain wouldn’t work to let me count how many there were, but Ronnie was obviously the main focus. The girl in most of the photos with him was dark haired and gorgeous. In the largest one, she was grinning like she’d never been happier and her arms were wrapped around the slender singer. She was looking up at him and he was laughing at something. It was the side of him that I thought I’d only been privy to. I looked away before I got sick.

The other side of the room there was a door that I assumed was her bathroom and a day bed was pushed against the wall opposite the door. The room was decorated with pink everything and the blankets on the bed were no exception. My stomach was in my throat as I looked at Ronnie, just barely visible under the mess of blankets.

“Ronnie,” Max called, darting over to him without any apprehension, “Get up, man, we’re going out for breakfast.” He shoved the boy and yanked his blankets back. The singer was only in his jeans from the night before. His chest and stomach were bare and his socks and shoes were gone and I was surprised that no one else was surprised that he was sleeping in another girl’s bed.

Ronnie rolled and rolled over so that he was facing our way instead of the wall. He pushed his fingers through his tangled hair and started blinking as he woke up. “What the fuck, man?” he asked quietly, “What time is it?”

Max pulled his blankets completely off the bed. “After twelve and I’m starving,” he answered, smacking the singer’s hands away when he reached to cover himself back up, “So wake up, get dressed, and hurry the fuck up.”

Ronnie groaned and covered himself back up with the pink comforter.

Max turned shook his head and headed my way. “Kat, make sure he gets up. I’m going to invite Que.” He walked past me out of the room and Ronnie rolled over quickly, eyes snapping to me. He looked shocked to see me and it caused this tearing in the pit of my stomach. I knew my expression told him exactly how I felt.

“Kat, what are you doing here?” he asked quickly, sitting up and climbing out of her bed, “I, what?”

I took my eyes off him as he found his shirt on the floor and pulled it over his head. It was like seeing the aftermath of something I hadn’t known was happening. Gwendolyn’s words ran through my head. “Do you sleep here a lot” I asked quietly, feeling incredibly small and naive, “After you leave me, I mean. You come over to this place and hangout with Amber?”

“What are you talking about?” he answered, eyes confused, “How do you know Amber?”

“I don’t know her, Ronnie,” I replied, taking deep breaths to stop myself from getting upset, “I just, I don’t know why you’re in her bed and why everyone thinks it’s normal.”

Ronnie looked at the white, wrought iron bed with pink sheets and then it must’ve clicked, because he shot up, still barefoot, and wrapped his arms around my shoulders even though I didn’t want him to. “Kat, you think there’s something going on with Amber?” he asked, chin on the top of my head, “We’re friends, is all. She just lets me crash in her room sometimes.”

I pushed him off me and looked at him. He looked like he’d just rolled out somebody else’s bed and I felt childish and stupid and I couldn’t believe that he could be so nonchalant about this. “That’s not how everyone else makes it sound,” I said, pushing back the gross feeling in my stomach as I turned from him, “They make it seem like she’s in love with you or something.”

“Kat,” he reached for me again but I shoved him away, “Kat, please, Amber and I are just friends. Yeah, she likes me or wants to be around me, or something, but I don’t like her like that. She knows that.”

“You’re in her bed, Ronnie,” I answered incredulously, “It would be okay if you were both just friends, but obviously she doesn’t think about you that way. So for you to be here…” I turned away.

“I slept on the floor until she left,” he rebutted, dark eyes trying to hold my gaze, “I wasn’t doing so great last night. Amber looks out for me because she likes me- I’ll be honest, but I don’t like her that way, I never have, Kat.”

I didn’t know how to explain to him that it still bothered me to find him half-naked in someone else’s bed. Especially someone who had her own place and who was older and smarter and who obviously liked him a lot. I didn’t know how he could think it was alright for him to be here in her bed when I had completely cut Nathaniel from my life to just make him feel better.

“I never slept in Nate’s bed,” I answered darkly, “I was never even alone with him once me and you got together. I liked you enough to know that it would hurt you.”

He was obviously taken back by the comparison. “Kat, I didn’t think about it that way. I’m just so used to being able to crash here that it didn’t seem like a big deal. Please, don’t be upset.”

There were noises on the stairs and I figured it was Max coming to yank the two of us out of the room and out for breakfast, but when the door opened, Ronnie looked upset by the person’s presence so I turned and looked and was utterly surprised by the woman standing there.

She was even more attractive than in her pictures. Her hair was longer and she was tanned and dark eyed and looked at Ronnie like he was the answer. She wore a tank top and shorts and didn’t look anything like she’d just come from work. She smiled at Ronnie and tossed her bag between us and onto her bed. “Good, you’re up,” she said, “I just stopped home to grab something to eat and make sure you were alive.” She glanced at him as she moved past. Then she looked at me. “Who’s this?”

Ronnie sighed and turned to her. “Amber, can you please give us a minute?” he asked, crossing his arms over his stomach.

She frowned and glanced between us. “What’s going on, Rah?”

“Rah?” I repeated, shaking my head as I turned away from them both. I glanced at him one more time before I walked away. “Don’t worry, I’ll leave.”

“Kat, wait,” he demanded, darting forward to grab my arm, “Amber, please, five minutes. That’s all I’m asking.”

She looked reluctant to go and still skeptical of me, but she walked around us and left the room, eyes lingering back long enough for me to read the warning in them. When she shut the door, I yanked my arm away from Ronnie and yelled at him.

“She acts like she has some claim to you!” I shouted, angry and upset and just wanting to go, even though he wouldn’t let me, “Friends don’t act like that Ronnie! And what, she doesn’t know who I am? I would think you’d tell her about your girlfriend.”

“It just hasn’t come up,” he answered, flinching when he realized that it was the wrong thing to say, “That’s not what I meant,” he corrected, “We just talk about different things. Relationships isn’t really top priority, especially since I’ve never actually dated anyone seriously.”

“It’s not that hard to thrown in, ‘hey, I have a girlfriend now’, Ronnie,” I spoke, “Especially when the girl you’re hanging out with is in love with you.”

“She’s not in love with me, Kat,” he argued, “Stop saying that. She just looks out for me. Please, just let it go, alright? This is stupid and I really don’t want to fight with you about it.”

I stepped over his shoes as I moved to the door. He looked crestfallen that I was leaving, but watched me instead of trying to keep me there. “It’s important to me,” I said as I grabbed the door handle and twisted it open, “But it doesn’t matter anymore, because I can’t do this to myself.”

He frowned and then stepped after me. “Kat, what are you talking about?” he asked, leaning out of the doorway, “Wait, we have to talk about this, what are you saying?”

I was at the top of the stairs, just a few feet from him, and turned to face him. “I’m saying that I can’t be here right now and that I shouldn’t have come. I don’t know what you do when you’re not with me and we should just keep it that way if we want to survive.”

He hustled after me down the stairs, but Amber was already there waiting for me. Max and Que were a few feet behind her in the living room and I looked at the green eyed boy when I made it to the bottom. “Can you walk me home?” I asked, folding my arms over my stomach as I tried not to look at Amber, even though she was sizing me up.

“I’ll take you home,” Ronnie answered, coming up behind me, “Max doesn’t need to.”

I looked at the barefoot, dark haired singer and shook my head. “I want Max to do it,” I answered, eyes glancing to him as he nodded and hurried around the siblings, “I’ll see you later, Ronnie.”

“You just got here, honey,” a female voice spoke, the sound of her addressing me directly stopping me in my track. Max paused at the door too, hand practically pulling it open, and everyone was silent except for Ronnie, telling Amber not to.

“Relax, Ron,” she said, touching his arm as she stepped past him, “I just want to get to know the girl who you’re obviously hung up on. Especially since she’s walking out on you with your best friend right now.”

“Amber, stop it-“ Max started, only to be silenced by a look from the older girl as she walked over. It was her house and all I wanted to do was leave it, but Max was standing in front of the door and I couldn’t rely on Ronnie to get me out.

“I’m Amber,” she greeted, holding her hand out for me to shake, “We obviously haven’t met. How do you know Ronnie? Are you Mark’s new girl?”

Ronnie’s face blanked and I looked back to Max, who wore the same expression of dread. She’d obviously caught them off guard and she looked exactly like she knew what she was doing. I shook my head, my arms crossed over my chest, glanced to the singer, and answered, “I was his girlfriend.”

I didn’t look at Ronnie then, but I knew his expression changed. I could feel it from across the entryway. Amber chuckled and then apologized, claiming all my attention again. “Sorry, I thought you were dropping off the Xanax that Ronnie owes me.”

This time it was me who was shocked and everything seemed to be under water. I wasn’t naive enough to not know what she meant and I looked at the singer who I’d been spending all my time with. Xanax was a prescription drug used to treat anxiety and sleeping disorders, but I knew that neither Amber nor Ronnie were taking it for that purpose and Mark definitely wasn’t a pharmacist.

Ronnie looked ashamed, more so than I’d seen him before, and that was the answer to the question that I hadn’t needed to ask out loud. I knew that Ronnie wasn’t perfect, that he’d had his share of trouble and girls, but the thought of drugs hadn’t come to me. And I suddenly felt more stupid than I ever had.

I turned, shoved past Max, and threw myself out of the house. I heard Amber ask what was wrong as though she didn't know and then apologize as Ronnie cursed at her and moved to follow after me. “Why would you bring her here?” he asked Max angrily as he passed, but we both knew it wasn’t his fault.

I was down the road before he caught up to me. He still wasn’t wearing any shoes and he grabbed my arm to stop me. “Kat, please wait,” he begged, dark eyes bearing into mine. He looked guilty and sorry, but it didn’t really matter. His life was the kind of life I didn’t want to be a part of. And something told me that we couldn’t go back.

“Go away,” I demanded, “I’m done, okay? I’m not going to be a part of this.”

“I’m not asking you to,” he replied, hurrying so that he was standing in front of me, blocking me from walking away from him. He grabbed my hands and held them between us. “Please, Kat, I never wanted you to get involved with this. It’s just Amber, she gets like that some-“

“I can’t date a drug addict,” I answered, cutting him off before he could make any excuses, “I just can’t Ronnie. What would my dad think if he knew? Or my mom…” I pulled my hands from him and covered my face, ashamed that my dad had been right.

He flinched at the label, but couldn’t deny it. “Kat, I’m sorry,” he whispered, shaking his head like he could dispel it from his memory, “Please, I don’t do it that often, it’s not a big deal.”

My eyes were hard as I looked at him. He was softer than before, his image completely gone. He seemed vulnerable and pleading, and it felt like crap to me. I turned around quickly. “Fine, if it’s not a big deal, then let me do it with you.”

“No!” He was in front of me in seconds, and realized that I had caught him in his own lie. It was okay for him to do, for him to put himself in that position, but not for me, and I wanted him to know how it made me feel. I could see it all over his face. He was catching on quickly. “That’s not funny,” he said, fingers running through his hair as he looked at the ground, “Please, Kat, I can’t do this. Please, just let it go. Let me get my things and we can go back to my house and forget about this.”

“I’m not going to be able to forget about it, Ronnie,” I answered, tears threatening, “Don’t you get it? It would’ve been easier if I found out you were sleeping with Amber or something. At least then I would’ve been able to hate you without worrying about you ending up dead.”

He looked hurt and I forced myself to look away. The thought of him into drugs made me more nervous that I’d ever been before and I was terrified of what he’d gotten himself into. I meant it though, seeing him with someone else would’ve hurt, and it did for the minute I’d thought he was, but it was nothing compared to this. Amber's infatuation with him meant nothing. This was more serious than the way any of us felt now.

“I’m going home,” I said softly, looking at him, unable to see him the way he really looked. In my mind, he was drug-addled, in pain, and rolling around on the floor of some nasty room unable to get the drugs he needed to be okay. I didn’t want to see him either way. It was a double-edged sword and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle either side of it.

“Kat, please,” he murmured as I turned around, “Please, just let me come with you.”

“I don’t want you to.” I shook my head. “I’ll see you around.”

I didn’t look back as I walked away, and he didn’t come after me like I expected him to. Probably because his feet were already sore from the gravel along the side of the road, but also because he knew his choices, and that I wasn’t one of them now.