Who We Are

ad infinitum

Math is not one of those classes you can afford to get distracted in. One minute you’re
following along, trying to match the numbers on the board to your own paper, and the next
it’s like everyone around you has jumped two classes ahead and you have no idea how it happened. All it takes is one distraction or, in my case, one boy.

I had been struggling to keep my eyes on the board, but it wasn’t entirely my fault. In fact, it wasn’t my fault in anyway. Ronnie had been pacing outside my class room for the last twenty-five minutes like he was attached to the door handle by a rope and could only swivel a few feet every direction. Every time he stepped past the window, he’d peer inside, looking as though he had something to say.

But I didn’t want to hear it.

I tried my hardest to ignore the feeling on his eyes on me, but I had been conditioned to feel him whenever he was near, and I wasn’t the only one noticing him. My teacher’s eyes kept darting to the back of the room with an annoyed look on his face and I knew why, but I wasn’t about to take the blame. So I pretended that no one else knew he was there, no one else could hear or see or sense him, and tried to focus on numbers instead.

That was, until I didn’t have another choice. The dark haired boy had created a path for himself in the tiles on the ground and every time his dark figure passed by my teacher looked like he was considering strangling the boy. He probably would’ve, too, if Ronnie’d been anyone other than himself.

I raised my hand slowly, and he looked up, intending to see Ronnie outside the door again, but slightly relieved that it was only me he caught in the corner of his eye. He let out a tired sigh as he asked, “Yeah, Kat?”

I released my bottom lip from between my teeth, peering only at him and not the knowing students around me. “Can I please use the bathroom?” I asked, cringing as a couple people snickered, knowing the truth behind my actions.

Mr. Ryan seemed to catch on too and waved his hand gratefully, sitting up straighter as though I’d lifted a burden from his shoulders. “Go, take your time, just make him stop.” The class laughed louder this time and I quickly pushed up from my desk and hurried out of the room to hide my blush.

I almost smacked Ronnie with the wooden door. We both paused and looked at each other.

“Kat,” he said surprised, stopping his walking almost robotically. I grabbed the sleeve of his jacket and dragged him down the hall, away from the window where everyone was watching. He looked at me with surprised eyes. “What-“

“You have to go,” I said firmly, crossing my arms over my chest, “You can’t show up at my class and distract everyone. You’re going to get me in trouble.”

“Kat, please, you just have to listen to me for a few minutes. I can explain,” he begged. He quieted as an unfamiliar woman came around the corner, intending to leave the building through the main doors at the end of the hall, but then began again, “Please, it’s not like I do it all the time. Just when I need something more. I didn’t mean for you to find out like that. I swear, I was gonna tell you.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” I answered, looking away as his face fell, “How could you think that I would’ve been okay with this, Ronnie? I can’t believe you. Just go away.” I stepped past him, slamming my shoulder into his. He reached out and grabbed my arm before I could go.

“Kat, I love you. Don’t walk away like that.”

“What, am I supposed to join in, Radke?” I asked, eyes hardening and jaw set as I looked back at him, wrenching my wrist from his grasp, “I’m not going to stick around and watch you die. You have Max for that.”

“I don’t want Max,” he argued, refusing to release me, “I want you. You can’t just walk away from this conversation.” His fingers pressed into the vein on my wrist and his expression was desperate. He looked put together, as much as he always did, but his eyes were pleading.

“I’m not walking away from the conversation,” I answered, slowly sliding my wrist out of his fingers, “I’m walking away from you.”

He let out a shocked breath at my pointed words, his fingers sliding into the pockets of his jeans. “Kat, come on,” he said softly, “You don’t have to be like this. I’m fine, I’ve always been fine, I’ll always be fine.”

“It’s not about you!” I yelled, completely losing it, “It’s not just about you anymore. Don’t you understand that? You didn’t tell me because you knew it would make me feel terrible, and it does. I’m terrified, Ronnie, terrified that one of these days I’m going to find out that you’re dead. And it’s not even just that,” I added, turning around in frustration and I tried to push the words together so hard that they crumbled before they left my lips. I had to take a breath and reset them. “It’s not that, it’s the fact that if I stay, I’m going to either have to watch you kill yourself or watch you suffer because of your own actions, and I can’t handle either of those.”

There were a good five feet between us now, and I just wanted the floor to open up and let me fall away from him. This last week had been hell and I didn’t know how to handle it. I was in all the same classes as him, completely capable of handling this half of his life, but when it came to his actions, I was at a lost - too young, too naive, too scared to stick by his side. This was the first time I’d thought about myself this way. It was a revelation that sent a shock through my system.

But it hurt to let go too, to force him away, but it was one losing situation over the other, and I thought maybe this would be easier. “Go to class, Ronnie,” I muttered, running my fingers through my hair, “Or don’t, I guess. It’s none of my business anymore.”

He looked at me like I was broken - like he had broke me, and I could see how guilty he felt. Somehow, that sparked it in me.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized with a shrug, “I don’t know what else to tell you, Ronnie. I just have to move on.” I turned around and couldn’t move. I took a deep breath and tried to make my feet go, but they wouldn’t. It was my body trying to remind that I had lost everything but him, and now I was trying to walk away from that too.

Ronnie wrapped his arms around me, his chest against my back, and dropped his chin to my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Kat, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, “I wish I could take it back, please don’t leave me like this.”

I turned around and hugged him to me. I wasn’t able to do much else, but he took solace in the simple gesture. I pressed my face into his jacket as tears spilled down my cheeks. “I love you, I’m so sorry,” I repeated, unsure if he could even hear me. “Ronnie, I’m so sorry.”

He leaned down and wrapped his arms round my waist. I could feel him shaking my head against my own. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” he murmured, “I didn’t mean to do this to us, Kat. I never meant for this to happen. I love you so much.”

I kissed the center of his chest through the fabric of his t-shirt and then took a step back. It was crushing to him and I couldn’t help but cry more as I saw the look on his face. I wasn’t strong enough to stick by him and help him stop and I felt terrible. “I’m not made for this,” I said to him, hoping he would understand, “Please, Ronnie, you have to believe me; I wish I could help you, but I just can’t.”

“I don’t need help,” he answered, eyebrows furrowed, honestly believing his own words, “I’m fine, alright? Just don’t walk away from this. We’re supposed to be together.”

I smiled sadly and shook my head. “You need help, Ronnie,” I answered, “You don’t realize it, but you really need help. Please, just consider it.”

“Kat, come on,” he replied desperately, “I’ve been fine this far. It’s not like it’s affecting me. I’m fine, honestly.” He sounded like a bad PSA video and I wondered how he didn’t see it too.

“I’ve got to go back to class,” I said, turning my face from him, “You should do the same. I just want you to get better, Ronnie. I just want the best for you.”

“Kat, please,” he said again, “Please, please don’t.”

“Ronnie, I have to,” I answered, “You think you’re okay, I know you think it’s true, but I can’t support you and watch you get worse. I’ve seen you in dark places, but I can’t stand by you while you knowingly ruin yourself.”

“Please, Kat, I need you,” he answered, choking on his own words, “You can’t break up with me because of this. It’s so fucking stupid, please.”

“You think you can have everything,” I said, watching his eyes darken, “I love that about you, Ronnie. It’s as if believing it makes it true for you, but you can’t have this. If I have to be the one to show you that, then I will.”

He laughed bitterly, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “So this is an ultimatum?” he asked, swallowing harshly as he pushed away his emotions. “It’s you or my friends?”

“It’s me or drugs,” I answered angrily, “I’m not asking you to give anything up that you need, Ronnie. I just don’t want to see you like that.”

He was cold now, more distant - the kind of facade he usually wore here. He licked over his bottom lip, his jaw set, and looked at me with hardened eyes. “Everyone does it,” he said, “If I stop, I’ll still be around it all the time. I’ll have to stay away from all my friends.”

They were statements that he knew were true and he put them out there just as definitely and began shaking his head. I watched, arms folded, teeth clenched together as I tried not to get upset. He took a step back and I knew it was all over.

“Kat, I can’t,” he said, “I don’t want to and I shouldn’t have to.”

“Ronnie, please,” I begged, moving to him to grab onto his arm, “Please, I don’t want to lose you.” I reached up and brushed his hair out of his face, hoping he would see me and realize how much I meant it.

“You’re the one pushing me away,” he answered, cupping my face. He leaned down and kissed me and I was in tears. I wrapped my arms around his slender waist and held onto him for the duration that his mouth was on mine. I was wavering, scared to lose this, and when he pulled back, he put his forehead against mine and looked at me with those eyes.

“Please, don’t walk away, Katerina,” he spoke quietly, looking at me the way he did, “I promise you that everything is okay.” He brushed his thumb over my cheek, pressing the tear into our skin, and then he kissed me again and I knew I’d lost.

I nodded against him, pulling my mouth away just long enough to give in, and he smiled and grabbed my hand. “Get your stuff,” he said, eyes darting to the clock on the wall above the lockers, “We’re going home early.”

I didn’t argue because I felt like I couldn’t. There was no sense in fighting against him again. I could still taste leaving him on my tongue and it was bitter and hallucinogenic. I could see my future without him. I decided then that I would stay by him forever, even if that gave it the power to kill us both.

The bell was ringing as I darted back into class and gathered my things from my desk. Eyes were on me as everyone began to leave, but I didn’t look at any of them. I mixed into the crowd as we all shuffled out of the doorway, but Ronnie was waiting for me, leaning against the wall, and I separated myself from the others to join him.

He took my hand and pulled me down the hall. Everyone from my math class was still looking at us. It was as though they could feel the change in the air. “Don’t worry about them,” Ronnie said, glancing down at me and reading my apprehension in my expression, “It’s just you and me.”

“I know,” I answered with a nod, and then I put a smile on my face, “Always.”

He grinned too and abruptly wrapped his arms around me when we turned a corner to the familiar back hallway. His arms were around my shoulders and my back was against the wall and my senses could only pick up on him.

His mouth was fluid on mine and his fingers were a mess in my hair. I grabbed handfuls of his sweatshirt at both of his sides and pulled him harder against me. He was impossibly skinny and tall, and his hair was always messy, but still so soft. And I loved everything about him. All of him put together made his hamartia seem less important and all together less tragic.

I was out of breath and overwhelmed when he pulled back and took my fingers in his again. He pulled me through the same doorway that he and his friends usually left through like they were permitted, and we headed around the building towards our neighborhood.

“No one’s home,” the lanky boy said as we crossed his yard. He looked back at me with dark eyes and I knew what he meant, but I could also see the malleableness in his suggestion.

I nodded.

He entered his house quietly, but boldly, and pulled me up the stairs and down the hall. His bedroom door was always closed and when he opened it, it felt like we were entering into something completely new. I was almost shaking because of the nerves in my stomach, but his hand was steady in mine, and I held on, knowing he’d get me through it.

I walked past him into his bedroom and he shut the door behind me slowly as I turned around to face him. He looked timid and it surprised me, and I couldn’t help but smile at him. Even now everything was up to me, and it was stunning to see him as nervous as I was.

He stood silently leaning back against his door and just looked at me. I looked back at him and he had his hands shoved into the pocket of his jeans and slowly lifted his eyes from the floor. He stepped across the carpet slowly and slid his fingers under the straps of my backpack. I stood completely still as he slid them down my arms and held onto it before it could hit the ground.

His shoulder brushed against mine as he leaned past me and tossed the bag beneath the window. And when he leaned back he was a lot closer than before. He slid his fingers between mine and I took a shaky breath as I looked up at him.

He tilted his head and his mouth hit my cheek. I could feel the blood rushing to my face and I wrapped an arm around his neck as his hands went to my waist. His mouth was hot at my ear. “Kat,” he said, and the sound of my name had never sounded so gorgeous on anyone else’s tongue.
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