Who We Are

Ronnie climbed out of bed before the school day was even over and slid into his jeans, pulling his shirt on over his slew of dark hair. The thick strands were a mess and his lips were pressed together to stunt the smile trying to form, but I could still see it in the corners of his mouth. I stretched against his sheets, careful to make sure the blanket was still covering me, and watched him with light eyes, feeling the ease slip away with every garment of clothing he put on.

“What are you doing?” I asked quietly, afraid to break the silence and bring our world crashing back down on us, "Come back." I squished back over to my side of his bed, making room for him to join me. He didn't.

He paused for only a minute, his fingers hesitating on the sleeve of his shirt. “I have to meet up with the guys,” he answered. He finished rolling up his sleeves and his fingers pushed through his hair the best they could. His dark eyes met mine and he added, “You can hangout here until I get back, if you want.”

“Why do you have to go right now?” I asked, sitting up and taking the shirt that he offered me. I slid it on and pulled it down as far as it could go. “I don’t really want to be here by myself, Ronnie," I said understandably, "And it’s not like I can just go back to school and go home like nothing happened. Right now is not the best moment for you to leave.”

“Kat, I won’t be gone that long,” he promised, smoothly sitting down on the edge of the bed to reassure me, “I just can’t bail on the guys now.” He folded his hands in his lap and scooted back, pretending that he didn't notice the suspicious look I gave him.

“What are you doing?” I asked when he didn't offer, catching onto what he didn’t want me to see. He didn't speak right away. I gave him a look and leaned forward slightly. “Ronnie, come on.”

“I’m not doing anything,” he replied guiltily, “I just have to be somewhere. I’ll be back in under an hour.” He smiled at the displeased look on my face and added, “If I’m not outside when the guys get here, they’ll come upstairs and drag me out, Kat.”

I turned away from him to hide the blush on my face. Neither of us wanted them to see me in this state. “I’d rather come with you,” I answered easily, “I don’t want to be here by myself. What if your brothers come home?” I climbed around him and got up, reaching for my own clothes so that I could change out of his. He made an unwilling noise as I moved about his room quickly, but didn’t say anything before I stepped out into the hall and crossed into the bathroom opposite.

I shut the door on him.

“Katerina, you can’t come,” he argued through the two inch thick laminate wood, leaning against it heavily, “Just stay in my room and lock the door. No one will even know you’re in there.”

“I’m not staying here by myself, Ronnie,” I denied as I stepped into my jeans, “You got me into this mess and it’s up to you to get me out. If you want to leave right now, right this minute, then I’m coming with you. You owe me that at least.”

He chuckled on the other side despite the seriousness of my words. “What mess?”

“How am I supposed to go home?" I answered, knowing it was obvious, "What am I supposed to say to my sister when she realizes that I’m not at school? My dad threatened to arrest you if this ever happened, so how am I supposed to get home without him figuring out about it?”

“We can figure that out when I get back,” Ronnie rebutted, fingers rapping on the door. I could tell he was trying to put on a brave face, but I hadn't told him about what my father said, and I could hear it affecting him. We knew that my father would keep his promise.

When I was finished getting dressed, I pulled the door open in one swoop and stood in front of him, eyes bearing into his. “Where are you going?”

He sighed and shifted his eyes away from mine. He turned around and headed into his own bedroom. I followed, knowing the answer that he wouldn’t tell me but wanting to hear it from him.

“If this is about drugs, Ronnie, so help me God-“

“It’s none of your business,” he shot back, obviously frustrated by me. He turned away from me and grabbed his shoes, his jaw set and his eyes anywhere but on me. He dropped down forcefully to the edge of his bed and pulled his shoes on while ignoring me.

I squeezed my fingers into fists at my sides, telling myself not to cower back from him. He didn’t scare me, but the possibilities did. I felt dumb and vulnerable again, even more so than before. I hadn’t made any difference in him at all. He still couldn’t see how this was my business too. “You’re the one that made me care about you,” I said darkly, eyes trained on him, “You’re the one who brought me into all this. And now you’re telling me that you’re none of my business, Ronnie? You expect me to keep living my life like everything is perfect? You did this!” I stepped forward so that I was stark in front of him, blocking his view of anything else.

“I know,” he said exasperatedly, sitting up so that he could look at me instead of his shoe laces, “I know, Kat. And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“You’re sorry for what?” I spat, “For getting me to think twice about you? Because you should be. You knew you're into all of this and you still dragged me into your life. I told you that I wanted nothing to do with you, and you reassured me that you weren’t the person everyone said you were. But you knew it was a lie and you still said it straight to my face.”

“I didn’t think about it,” he answered, standing up easily from his misshapen comforter, “I didn’t think about it at all. I’m not the person that everyone thinks I am, I just didn’t think that this would change your mind about me. This doesn't even matter, it's just something I do, it's not who I am.”

“It hasn’t changed my mind,” I said grimly, crossing my arms and taking a set back from him, “But I wish it did. Because this is a huge deal and you don't even realize it. Now I’m going to have to spend a long time getting over you and worrying about you and I wish I could just stop caring.”

He looked vulnerable now too. His usually brooding eyes were downcast and his hands were slid into the pocket of his jeans. He was one more harsh word away from scuffing his shoe against the floor and climbing into my lap. “I’m sorry,” he said, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. He didn’t say anything else and I didn't know what I could add to make this better.

I wanted to scream and blame him for everything. For getting out of bed and leaving me there alone, for planning to go with the guys to do things that could only hurt them, and for not feeling how terrible that made me feel. “Do you want to die, Ronnie?” I asked softly, “Is that why you do this?”

His eyes turned up to me without wavering. “I want to live,” he answered, swallowing harshly, “It’s not about dying. Why would I go to die when I have you here waiting for me to come back?”

“Why would you want to live without me?” I asked, feeling the words harder than I could speak them, “You’re going to a place that I can’t be part of and leaving me here alone. And while you’re gone, I’m stuck here knowing that you’re eventually going to kill yourself.”

"That's not going to happen," he argued, meaning his words, "We're not reckless."

"You don't have to be," I rebutted, angry, "When you do this, that's what I picture; you dead in someone's nasty house and my father coming to ID your body because yours doesn't care. If I'm not enough to change your mind, think about your brother. What would Riley do without you?"

His jaw clenched in the aftermath of my words and he looked away from me to stifle the emotion. “It’s not like that,” he said, “Nothing is going to happen to me. I'm not going to leave either of you.”

"You don't make that choice," I answered, arms crossing over my chest, "I don't think anyone who overdoses chooses to do it on purpose. It's just something that happens."

He sighed and turned towards the window, fingers sliding into his hair out of frustration. "That's not going to happen to me, Kat. Please, just let it go."

I grabbed his wrist - it was slender in the ring of my fingers, and I pulled him to me. He turned and stepped forward until we were chest to chest and I slid my arms around his hips, and he dropped a portion of his weight onto my shoulders. “I love you,” I said, spanning my fingers against his spine to push out all the air between us, “I love you so much, Ronnie.”

“Please, Kat,” he murmured into my hair, his fingers tangling between the strands.

He and I both knew it was goodbye. It had been this morning when I woke up and he climbed up to leave me. I’d never been so close to anyone before him, but when he made the decision to leave, I’d never felt more alone. His temporary goodbye was really a permanent one, and we both knew it from the start. He was purposefully ignorant of that connotation, but it was there, running just between the spaces in words he wasn’t saying.

We didn’t have the same conversation as we had previously at his friend’s house and at our school. There was no point in repeating it for a third time. There was nothing either of us could do about. He would go one way, I would go the other.

I gathered my stuff together and he watched me silently. He leaned against his closet as I stuffed my feet into my shoes and ties the laces. “Ready?” I asked when I stood up, peaking out the window as I heard the crew of boys arrive just below.

Ronnie glanced that direction too and then nodded without a word.

I walked past him and out into the hall. He followed behind me like a shadow. I got the feeling that it would remain this way into our future. He would always be near me, even when I wouldn't let him get too close. I headed downstairs and outside. No one was home besides us, so I didn't worry about being found by his older brother or father, but part of me wondered why Riley wasn't home yet, and I knew that I was going to miss him.

Max grinned when he saw me step out of the house in front of Ronnie. He bolted across the yard in his boots and crashed into my side in his typical sloppy way. “What’s up, delinquent?” he asked, grinning crookedly, “How’s the school skipping treating you?”

I smiled slightly and shook my head at his theatrics, wrapping an arm around his waist to keep him from toppling me over. “It was fine, Max,” I said, situating him back on his own two feet, “You should know. You hold the record for the most days of school skipped in a single year.”

“And yet I still manage to pass most of my classes,” he quipped, veering off to Ronnie as the taller boy stepped diagonally across the law, heading to their other friends. Max walked backwards until he was halfway there, and then he darted the rest of the way over.

I turned around at the corner of my yard and looked at Ronnie. He stood where his yard met the curb, a head taller than the rest because he’d yet to step down into the street. I offered him a smile and lifted my fingers into the air; waving goodbye. “I’ll see you around,” I said, sliding my arms across my chest, “Take care of yourself.”

“I will.” He nodded, hands slipping back into his pockets. The space between us was vast. “I’ll see you.”

“I love you,” I said finally, watching as the boy slid back until the tips of his shoes slipped off the curb and he was in the street again. He disappeared into the center of his friends, back into the version of his life that he was living before me, and they headed off in the opposite direction.

I turned around so that I didn't have to watch him leave, and headed to my own house. We were still neighbors, but once again, we were worlds apart.