Can't Stop Loving You

He didn’t think nothing of the crush at first, he was straight, maybe he was confusing love with lust? Let’s be serious, Adam had a very sexual aura around him that could make anyone fall for him. Tommy was just a victim of it, he convinced himself of that anyway. And so he pushed it away as a simple crush, because crushes are harmless, right?

The first night that his train of thought proved him wrong was when he got drunk at a party in a small LA club. Adam was just as trashed as Tommy and it was no surprise that once one hand touched Tommy’s neck that he was putty in the singer’s hands. Something about alcohol, a very handsome man, music pulsing through his being, and a crush that still lingered in him made him act upon the fantasies he’d had since the discovery. That night, neither of them went home; that night, both of them ended up in a hotel room; that night, they didn’t listen to their voices of reason; that night, Tommy realized that it wasn’t a crush anymore.

Tommy had fallen in love with Adam that night.

But that morning, the two woke up with hangovers and after vomiting everything up from the night before, Adam wanted to just forget the whole thing. Tommy agreed. It was for the best, right? Tommy thought so.

Pushing back feelings once more, this time, it was harder than dealing with that stupid little crush, this was a longing now. A little longer touch during Down The Rabbit Hole, a little longer skin touching skin through the music, and a little longer kiss during Fever was what he longed for. Anything that he could get from Adam, any kind of affection that the singer wanted to give him. Deep down, he knew it was pathetic, if people could see behind his mask, they’d know just how pathetic he was being. But he couldn’t seem to care, it was all he had.

Then, one night, he finally confronted Adam about it. He told him about his feelings, his feelings as a messed up and mixed up straight boy; Adam didn’t believe him. Or maybe he did, but just brushed it off as Tommy being confused, that was what it had to be. All the nights playing with Adam touching Tommy, kissing Tommy, playing with him on stage, those moment probably just confused him. The worst thing a gay guy can do is fall for a confused straight boy and Adam told him that. Adam wasn’t willing to move on those feelings of Tommy’s, he wasn’t willing to put his heart on the line. And Tommy, he backed down, saying he was just being stupid, and maybe it was just his horniness that was talking. They didn’t speak anymore about it.

The next few days, they were tense with each other, avoided most physical contact, on stage and off stage, but then at an after party which consisted of more drinking and drowning their conversations with alcohol, the next day, they were fine. They started talking to each other like they had before Tommy’s confession, the shows were back to normal, and everything was like it was before. For Adam anyway.

Tommy just dismissed any of the feelings that he confessed about, pushed back the thoughts from his mind, gulped down the butterflies in his stomach that were working their way up his throat, and drowned out the ache in his heart with music. Lots and lots of music because that always makes everyone feel better, right? Well, it usually does, but only if they keep away from the sad songs that make them feel even worse.

“Sometimes I dream I’m an exterminating angel, a traveling executioner sent from heaven, sent to give you the prettiest death I know…”

That Tweet, he figured, could go any way it wanted to with the fangirls, his friends, and family. He loved Manson, and so it was no surprise that he’d be quoting lyrics from him. But the whole song kind of fit his situation. Putting on a blank face, a cheerful mask for others, he pulled himself together once again and went out to face the day and the one person that, deep down, he dreaded to see.

A few more months down on the tour, he was better. It was true what they say, after awhile of not paying attention to a ‘confused’ crush it does start fading away. The shows were better, Tommy thought, he was more active with Adam, he was busying himself with having fun with Monte and Isaac mostly when they were traveling back and forth across Europe and getting the last few shows before December showed up. For the first time in awhile, Tommy felt he was happy.

But November came. Tommy thought the day was perfect, the weather was cool but nice, Finland was a beautiful country and it definitely relaxed him. The whole day was off to a good start, even the show was great with the crowd of amazing fans. He felt like he was probably on Cloud Nine after he came off stage. Although that was before they all went out for drinks to enjoy the night with and Tommy had to admit that several of the Finnish girls were sweet, beautiful, and lovely in the bar but what caught his attention was the short blonde that was talking to Adam.

He could tell by the way that Adam was smiling and a getting a bit touchy that he had had a few, but what shocked him most was the way the two were talking. And in the end, it was no surprise that Adam ended up heading towards the back of the bar with the short blonde. That killed his whole good day.

The next few days, Tommy was surprised that the kisses during Fever were becoming much more hotter, they were playing with each other a lot more on stage and it seemed like all that Adam wanted to do was touch him or let himself go around Tommy. Tommy couldn’t decide what to make of the sudden change but that part of him that he had bottled up inside him was definitely coming back to the surface, and it was coming back faster than it took for him to get it under control.

Amsterdam was a whole different show, but perhaps that was because of the drug usage. Adam wasn’t the only one letting himself go, Tommy was more than glad to smoke the blunt, if that would be the only reason to explain his foolishness later. They shared the Fever kiss like always but the Whole Lotta Love kiss was something that blew Tommy’s mind and it was no surprise that it left him hard and thinking about doing all kinds of naughty things with Adam backstage as soon as they headed to the dressing rooms.

It surprised him even more when that’s exactly what happened, quick and dirty blowjobs was all it scored him but it was the ache they were relieving. It was the need for contact. It was just because they were high and horny as hell. Yeah, that’s it, Tommy believed.

But once the texts started coming in on Adam’s phone and a big goofy smile hung on his face as he read them and even hours later after he closed his phone told Tommy that Adam was crushing. He was almost like a school boy with his first crush, the way it just made you feel like you were on top of the world just by that someone talking to you, even if it was through a text message or two or ten.

Later, Tommy wasn’t surprised to find out that it was the short blonde that he saw Adam leave the bar with in Finland that texted Adam. Then the trip to Paris that Adam went solo to as the rest of the band flew back to the States, it left a hole in Tommy’s heart because within a few days of Adam being there, there was already some rumor going on about someone seeing him with a guy. He didn’t doubt that it was the blonde from Finland.

When their last two concerts came around, there was no kiss at the first show and Tommy could sense the tenseness that Adam had on stage. It had to do with the blonde, he knew. The second show was a small kiss to please the fans and that was it.

It was the end of the shows for that tour and the end of being able to see Adam every day. The end of staying in touch with him all the time, the end of going out to parties together, but it wasn’t the end of his feelings. The feelings he had for Adam decided to remain, kept buried, but there.

It was no surprise from Adam to announce that he was dating someone a few months later. It was no surprise that it hurt like hell but nothing that a little alcohol and a couple thousand tears didn’t heal. He was going to get over him eventually, he knew it. Every day he was trying.

“Hey, Tommy, how about you come hang out with me and Sauli this evening? We’re planning on a movie night and you can finally get introduced properly to him.” Adam’s voice sounded so happy through the phone, and Tommy could tell that there was a smile on his face. It was hard to miss when he used to talk to Tommy with that tone of voice.

“Yeah, sure. I’m up for it.” He hoped anyway.

So there he was at Adam’s, he’d gotten acquainted with Adam’s boyfriend, gotten comfortable in the lazy chair, and they were watching the movie. To keep from stealing glances at the couple, at the man that he wished he was cuddled up against, he reached for the popcorn instead. Maybe it was from him focusing so hard on the popcorn and not Adam that made the popcorn taste so amazing?

Tommy could tell that Sauli seemed a bit uncomfortable around him at first, hell, the guy was nervous around him at Adam’s birthday party and he had pictures to prove it. Every shot that the two were in, it seemed like the guy was intimidated. But then again, Tommy was the guy that his boyfriend was kissing for an entire tour. Tommy shrugged, there was no reason for it. He vowed to himself to get rid of the feelings and he was trying.

When the credits came on, Tommy glanced at the clock and decided that it was time to get back to his apartment. On his way out, he offered a handshake to Sauli that seemed awkward on both behalves and Adam hugged him. Just like always, it was just that friendly moment that came with the fact that they shared after being on the road with each other for the whole year and making their dreams come true. That didn’t change, but what came from that hug, that closeness of a few seconds, that scent of Adam’s that filled Tommy’s nose, it was realization.

He couldn’t stop loving Adam. No matter what he did, even if Adam didn’t feel the same for him or maybe he did and didn’t want the 'confused straight' boy, even if Adam was taken by someone now, and even if he tried his hardest to forget him. Adam was going to be a part of his life and he couldn’t stop loving him. He could keep it hidden, keep the pain of unrequited love to himself, and keep all these feelings buried inside him.

It could all be his dirty little secret. He’d always be there if Adam changed his mind, in case he decided to see that Tommy meant what he confessed months ago. If he decided that Tommy wasn’t just a confused straight boy with an active libido. He’d always be there by his side.

But for now, it was this: hiding everything, Tommy pulling on a brave face, Adam’s smile that stole his breath, Adam’s arm around a short blonde, as the two waved goodbye to him as he walked out to his car and Tommy’s heart making the final decision that it wasn’t letting go of Adam.

“Cause I can’t stop loving you,
No, I can’t stop loving you,
No, I won’t stop loving you.
Why should I?
Why should I even try?”