Abnormal

My husband once told me that each person has an equivalence in nature; Some are thorns, others bluejays or oaken roots. He said that if he could find me in nature, I would be the fresh spring flower buds, barely blooming, on the sweetest of flowers.
To me, David is a river; His strong current bringing life to those around him, a vital vein in the Earths body.

A vein most of my family was willing to sever on the day we announced the engagement. To them, our relationship was beyond comprehension. He was older and divorced, while I was young and still unversed in the complexities of relationships-at least in their eyes. Many thought I was simply in the closet and trying to prove myself to be heterosexual. Some even though it was a shotgun wedding.
Only David and my sister knew I was asexual.

*X*

I pulled his thread-worn, white shirt down over my thighs, still tan from the fading summers sunlight. It hangs on my form loosely as I roll up the sleeves and unbutton the top buttons. I have no makeup on, but my red locks tumble over my shoulders in soft curls and the faint scent of perfume stains my neck. This was his favorite way of seeing me, according to him.
It doesn't matter what I feel, he deserves this. Besides, how else am I ever going to have children if I don't force down my own qualms?

"I'm home, Annie"
A smile twitches on my lips and I tousle my hair quickly before slipping down the darkened hallway. David stands there, loosening the navy tie from around his neck. A perfect image of an upper-middle-class man coming home from a hard days work, he managed three department stores-an inherited allotment from his father. The 'Donavons' stores comprised of mostly imported clothing and jewelry from around the world. A lucrative business indeed for the Donavon family, and probably the biggest reason my family excepted our marriage; If I was going to settle at 18, best I do it in a wealthy family, according to my mothers values.
I on the other hand could care less if David Donavon managed the high-end department stores or just worked in one. It was never about that, and never would be.

He grins at the sight of me and scoops me up in his arms, lifting me a few feet off the ground, lips pressed against mine.
"I thought about you all day"
His words are murmured into my hair as he sets me back down, hands tracing the curves of my hips.

"Really? What about me?"

"About how much I wanted to come home and ravage you, my sweet dear"
I smile into his chest and breathe in his scent. We eventually go back to the bedroom, and I listen to him. Listen to his breathing, the soft sounds he makes, the words he whispers in my ears with hot breath. I feel him on me, inside me, moving and loving me to the bed of his abilities. I feel absolutely nothing as I emulate his actions.

It eventually is over and I try my best not to immediately run to the shower and scrub off the repulsive feeling I am left with. Instead I slip into my cotton cover-up, sitting on the edge of the bed, back turned to him as he lies bare on the mattress, staring at the ceiling.
"My father is hosting a gathering for the employees and investors tomorrow, be at my side?"
David finally says, fingers trailing down my back.

"Of course, David, I'll be back in a minute"
I reply, pulling away from his touch as I stand.
"I should shower before bed"

"Hmm"
I doubt he really heard me, probably drifting off to sleep already, tired from work along with his sexual excursion.

Not bothering to even let the water heat up, I jump into the shower and use a bar of soap to scrub my body with the icy water. Over my breasts, down my stomach, inside my thighs, back up to my arms and over my lips. I try to scrub the feeling off, but it's not on my skin, it's inside my body. Tightening around my windpipe, brushing against my heart, sitting heavily in the pit of my stomach.
I love him, why can't I love his touch as well?

*X*

"Oh Annie, it's such a good book"
My sister declares, pushing a book over the patio table over to my hand as it clutches a cup of coffee.

"The Hope Mine?"
I read out the title as I pick it up, gazing at it's book jacket; a purple thing with black and white flowers in patches.
"Sounds very emotional, too emotional"

"What's emotional?"
David questions, kissing the top of my head and grabbing the extra cup I prepared for him.

"A book Charlotte brought me"

My sister smiles, giving a little wave with the two fingers that held onto her newly lit cigarette.
"Hello David, miss me?"

"Like a dog misses a flea"
He took a long drink of the black caffeine.

"You're no fun, did Santa forget to bring you a toy when you were little? Is that why you're so bitter?"

For being the two people who understood me the best, they didn't understand a thing about each other. He thought she was a rude slut and she thought he was a rich prick, but they both love me.
He ignores her comment, "Don't forget about that party, Annie, I'll pick you up at 6:30, be ready", with that and another kiss-this time on the lips-, he hurries off to work.

I pull my legs under me, looking away from Charlottes piercing blue gaze. "Well damn, looks like Ken is just taking charge, Barbie?"

"It's not like that"
Comes my soft reply.

"Not like what? I've seen how he acts, he doesn't care about how you feel, I mean, has he ever actually asked you if you wanted sex? Or does he just initiate and finish?" She brings the cigarette to her bright pink lips.

"He shouldn't have to ask, he's my husband, this is what marriage is; companionship, love and sex"

"What about respect, Annie?"
She leans forward and grabs my wrist.

"He always respects me"

"Really? He knows how you feel, he knows you can't...he knows how difficult it is for you, why doesn't he act like it matters?"

"Because I don't let him think it matters, because it shouldn't, it's not normal"
I stress the last word, studying the rough cement patio.

"Oh please"
Charlotte snaps, collapsing back into her seat, hand no longer on my wrist.
"It's 2013, Annie, what the hell is normal anymore? For Heavens sake, people think reality-TV is entertainment!"

We both chuckle at this. She picks up her phone off the glass table top and then sits up quickly.
"Shit, sorry, but my boss is just gonna crucify me if I'm late one more time"
She snuffs out the cigarette and swings her purse strap over her bare shoulder.
"I love you, and I'll call you tonight little sis'" She brushes the hair out of my face before tweaking my nose jokingly.

And I am left there, alone with the scent of cigarettes and coffee, and my own thoughts to keep me company.