Forever's Not Supposed to End

Matthew's point of view

I watched Hayley leave the room and listened to her feet going up the stairs.

My heart was pounding in my chest.

She'd got me so worked up.

I stood up slowly to follow her, trying to avoid the inevitable throbbing pain I'd get in my head whenever I went from sitting to standing. I rubbed over the scar with my fingertips and tried to ignore it as I scrambled up the stairs so quickly I almost tripped over my own feet.

Walking past the room I had been staying in, I could hear Nathan playing a guitar and practically screaming some words along to what he was playing. Usually, I would have gone to check what he was working on.

But this wasn't usually.

I walked right past the room and to the door at the very end of the hallway.

The door was hanging slightly open and I pushed it, but couldn't see Hayley anywhere in her room.

Confused, I turned around to close the door behind me, only to find her standing behind it and smirking that damn smirk at me.

"Not a very good hiding spot," I commented, pushing the door closed and then leaning on it and looking at her.

"I was going to jump on your back, but then I remembered you'd probably go flying, and I didn't want that," she sniggered.

"Yeah, if you'd done that you probably would have finished me off," I chuckled, taking her hand and leading her to her bed.

I felt like a teenager. I felt like I had no clue what I was doing. My palms were sweating and I was nervous as hell.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, trying to ignore the way the room was spinning, and Hayley straddled my lap. I pushed her hair back off her face and kissed her gently.

She turned it rough and pushed me backwards suddenly, sending a jolt of pain through my head. I flinched and she noticed.

"Sorry, I keep forgetting about that," she said quickly, breaking the kiss and looking at me, concerned.

"I wish I could," I muttered, looking away from her.

"Hey, are you OK?" she asked, placing her hands on my face and turning it so I was looking in her eyes.

I sighed and blinked hard, admitting defeat to not only her, but myself.

"No, I'm really not," I said sadly.

Without saying anything she crawled up the bed, pulling me with her, then pulled the blanket over us. She wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her face into my shoulder, her eyes peeking up at me.

It was a while before either of us said anything. I wrapped my arms around her and we lay in silence, just holding each other.

"You know, the first time I met you, you didn't know who you were, or what was going on," she said quietly.

"I don't remember meeting you. It's the one gap I have from the whole thing, my first night at the hospital," I said, my fingers tracing along the scar on my head, rubbing it, wishing the pain away.

"You were just a huge mess. And I really didn't think you were going to make it, I'd never seen anyone with that kind of head injury survive before, and all I could think about was how I was going to tell Nathan, cause I'd seen him come in with you, and obviously knew right away you guys were twins and I just... I'm glad I never had to tell him you didn't make it. I'm so glad you're recovering," she said, her voice muffled slightly by my chest as she spoke.

"All I wanted to do was the right thing, I just wanted to help that lady, I just wanted to do the right thing. I never knew it would cost me so much," I said bitterly, my hands clenching into fists before I could stop them.

Her hands found mine and I started to relax a little.

"But you did do the right thing, and I have no doubt you're going to recover, it's just a matter of time and-"

"I know you're trying to help me right now, and I appreciate that, I really do. But you don't understand what this is like. I really like you, and I can't date you, because my damn head means I can't even walk very far, I can't run, or jog, or jump. I can't stand up or sit down too quickly. And this whole situation tonight? It's just another thing I can't do. I don't feel like a man anymore," I sighed, frustrated, and trying not to break down in tears. This was the first time I'd really thought about the long term implications of my injuries.

I'd been trying not to.

The thought of everything being different terrified me. I wanted to keep pretending I was fine, hoping the thoughts would go away.

Hayley was silent for a few seconds.

"You're probably the manliest man I know," she said quietly.

I gently kissed her forehead and smiled slightly as she looked up at me.

"Where are you going?" she asked as I climbed out of the bed.

"I'll be back soon, and we can watch a movie or something yeah? With Nathan? I don't want to leave him alone too long, he's been acting weird," I said, heading for the door.

"But where are you going?" she asked, sitting up, looking at me curiously.

"Just for a walk, I won't be long," I said, closing the door behind me and walking down the hallway slowly.

I caught a brief burst of what Nathan was singing, and it made tears burn at my eyes.

I promise, we've got this, don't let it win.
'Cause forever, forever's not supposed to end...

Rather than going into the room, I walked downstairs and pulled on my shoes, opening the front door and walking out into the warm summer night.

***Three hours later***

Nathan's point of view

The door knocked and I stopped playing.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, is Matthew in here?" asked Hayley, coming into the room and looking around.

"No. I haven't seen him since I came up here earlier, why?" I asked, leaning back against the headboard of the bed, the guitar clutched tightly to my chest.

"He's gone," she said, looking worried.

"What do you mean he's gone? Gone where?" I asked, setting down the guitar and standing up.

"He said he was going for a walk, but he wouldn't be long, and he hasn't come back, and now it's getting really late and I'm worried," she said quickly, going over to the window and looking out.

"You let him go for a walk by himself?!" I demanded. Hayley knew full well Matthew couldn't walk very far, and he'd lose his balance a lot.

"Well, he was going on about how he didn't feel like a man and stuff and I thought I'd just upset him more if I tried to go with him," she mumbled.

"Upset him more?" I asked, pulling on my shoes ready to go and look for him.

"Stuff started happening between us.. like.. we were making out and then he couldn't go any further and he got really upset and-"

"Let's go and find him," I sighed.

Hayley and I left her house and started walking in no particular direction, just walking.

I was pretty sure Matthew couldn't walk more than about five blocks by himself.

Within an hour we'd covered five blocks in every direction from her house.

"What now?" she asked, pale face contorted with worry. She was more worried than even I was.

"We go for another five blocks. Is there anywhere around here he might be hanging out? Like a park or anything he might have found?"

"There's a park about two blocks that way," she said, pointing down the street.

"Let's try there," I said, walking quickly in the direction she showed me.

"So, making out huh?" I smirked as we walked.

"I really like him, but I shouldn't have tried to push him," she said, shaking her head.

"Yeah, you probably shouldn't. I get the feeling he's pretending to feel better than he actually does," I said sadly.

"He already told me he does that, he's really worried about how this affecting you," she said, panting slightly as she struggled to keep up with how fast I was walking.

We turned the corner and in the distance I would see a lone figure sitting on a bench in the park, bathed in the sickly orange glow of a street light.

"You go, I'l wait by here," said Hayley, shoving her hands in her pockets.

I nodded silently and walked over to the man on the bench, sitting down beside him.

"This is the furthest you've walked since the whole thing," I stated.

Matthew continued to stare at the ground, his head in his hands.

"I'm such a pathetic burden on both of you," he spat.

"No you aren't," I said, scooting closer to him and putting my arm around his shoulders.

"And Hayley probably thinks I'm retarded or something," he muttered, shaking his head.

He sat up straight and looked at me, it was obvious he'd been crying.

"She doesn't. But she knows she shouldn't have pushed you like that. It's OK Matthew, you'll get back to normal, you'll be able to do... stuff like that," I smirked.

"Pain's become my brand new normal," he said sadly, resting his head on my shoulder.

"Then stop pretending to be fine, or we don't know that. I'm not you, I don't know all the time how you're feeling, you need to tell me, or us, because we aren't mind readers."

"I hate to see you upset and worried," he said, I could feel tears soaking through my tee-shirt.

"It's hard not to be," I responded.

We were both silent for a few moments.

"Come on pretender, let's get you home to bed," I said, standing up and pulling him with me. He draped his arm around my shoulders and leaned heavily on me as we walked back over to where Hayley was standing.

"Are you OK?" she asked him quietly.

"I think so," he nodded.

"Just don't try to sex me up again, for a while at least," he laughed as she started to walk on his other side.

"Deal," she laughed, putting her arm around his back.

By the time we got back to Hayley's house, Matthew was struggling to stay awake and Hayley and I were practically dragging him.

"Come on fat-ass, wake up, I can't carry you up the stairs," I said, shaking him slightly, trying to make him snap out of it.

He mumbled something incoherent and I sighed, picking him up as best as I could and trying to position his weight over my shoulders.

I struggled up the stairs with Matthew's dead weight on my back, and I set him gently on the ground at the top.

"You gonna move?" I asked him, poking him with my foot as he was laying on the floor.

"Mmm... nope," he mumbled sleepily.

"Come on Matthew, you can't sleep on the floor, come and sleep in my bed with me?" said Hayley, trying to pull him to a sitting position.

"Can't move," he muttered.

I sighed exasperatedly and picked him up again, which wasn't easy, as he weighed the same as me and was being particularly awkward.

I dragged him into the bathroom and sat him on the edge of the bath tub, grabbed his toothbrush and put some toothpaste on it then shoved it in his mouth.

"I'm not doing it for you, so find some energy, OK?" I said. He opened his eyes and glared at me, then started to brush his teeth, his one hand gripping onto the side of the tub to keep himself balanced.

I walked out of the room for a moment to talk to Hayley in the hallway.

"I call the middle," she smiled.

"Huh?" I said, confused.

"Of the bed," she said, matter-of-factly.

"What makes you think I want to be a third wheel?" I said, laughing slightly.

"You look like you need a good cuddle."

I nodded.

"Well, you got me there, I so totally do," I sighed, brushing my own teeth, then helping Matthew walk from the bathroom to Hayley's room.

He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled off his beat up old converse, flinging them into the corner. Next he pulled off his socks, then his belt.

"You can't sleep in your clothes, come on, change," I said, throwing his pyjama pants at him.

"Don't wanna," he pouted, pulling off his jeans, leaving him in his boxers and tee-shirt and climbing under the covers.

I copied him and climbed into the bed, looking at Hayley expectantly.

"I'm just gonna go get changed and stuff," she said, grabbing her pyjamas and leaving the room.

"Thanks for finding me, I couldn't have walked back by myself," mumbled Matthew, half asleep.

"That's what I'm here for," I said quietly.

I watched him as he slowly drifted off to sleep. I couldn't help but move closer and lean my head against his chest, listening to his heart beating steadily and thinking about how truly lucky I was to be listening to that sound right now.

Hayley appeared in the doorway, and smiled.

"Get in here," I said quietly, scooting over to make space for her in the middle.

She turned off the lights then crawled into the bed between me and my twin.

I was surprised when she draped her arm across my chest and rested her head on my shoulder.

I was even more surprised that I didn't feel anything. No nervous jolt. No excitement. No drag of emotion. Nothing. Just like... hugging a friend.

I closed my eyes and tried to get to sleep. I was desperate for a cigarette but I didn't want to move, plus Matthew was always trying to get me to quit.

I lay awake and fidgeted for a while, shifting around and trying to get comfortable.

"Cut it out, wriggle butt," whispered Hayley, playfully shoving me slightly.

"Sorry," I whispered back.

"What's wrong? Why can't you sleep?"

"Kind of scared of this dream I keep getting," I mumbled.

"I keep having a bad one too. Let's talk about it at breakfast?" she yawned.

"Night," I whispered.

"Goodnight," she whispered back.

"I love you guys," Matthew mumbled.

"I love you more," I whispered.

"Well I love you both the mostest. I win," whispered Hayley.

Matthew giggled and rolled over, wrapping his arms around her.

I waited until they both fell asleep before I slipped silently from the room and curled up alone in the bed in the other bedroom.

Right now, I just needed to be alone with my thoughts.