It Always Hurts.

It's weird y'know.. when they're just not there anymore.
No explaination, just gone.
Not even the longest time to prepare is enough.
Let alone sudden deaths.
I think about you both every single day.
And wonder where you went.
Where do you go?
How can your body be there and then not?
My mind wanders all the time, just thinking.
I want to hug you - but I can't.
You're not.. anywhere.
I can't smell your scent.
Or look into your eyes.
Never hear the sound of your laughter or cheekiness again.
I can't see you smile.
You can't tell me you love me.
I can't stop feeling like it's my fault.
Guilty for not staying.
Guilty for it being my birthday.
Guilty again for not coming back that night.
Guilty for not coming to say a final goodbye.
And I don't do anything anymore.
I barely move; quite literally.
I eat, sometimes. I sleep, sometimes.
I don't do anything.
My face looks broken.
Out of colour.
I'm unhealthy.
My love for art is missing.
My love for guitar is completely gone.
I'm sick.
My life seems as though its going nowhere.
Neither of you are here to help me.
I was supposed to get my license two months ago.
I can't be bothered.
I cry at the thought.
And anyone who knows me knows how much I've wanted that.
I feel very apathetic.
I miss you both.
But I'm still kind of in denial.
Its been seven months and its been almost 2 months.
I hate seeing mum smoke.
After watching you die.
Stopping breathing.
And choking.
Watching her smoke.
And then I contradict myself completely.
Not smoking cigarettes.
Just drugs.
To make everything seem okay.
Warped sense of everything for a few hours.
A few hours of happiness, before I face reality again.
I am broken.
And that's all there is to it.
I want to get better.
But I can't say it will be soon.
I'm doing better, sort of.
I don't cry all the time now.
Only when I'm alone.
I can talk to you.
I don't like sleeping much at the moment.
What happens, is..
I dream.
You're both alive.
And everything is okay.
But I can't enjoy my dreams yet.
I wake up and it's not like that.
It still sucks.
You're both still dead.
I'm okay though.
I guess.
I'm still alive.
Which is more than I would have expected.