Catching Me as I'm Tripping Over My Feet

It was with a sigh that I looked around the room, boxes half-packed with my clothes and items that would come with me back to my mom’s house. This really wasn’t how I pictured Christmas Eve, sitting alone in my bedroom. This isn’t how I imagined my life to end up, but things change.

My feelings for him hadn’t, but the situation did. I couldn’t stay with him, not anymore. The need for him to be home was bigger than me, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I wouldn’t.

That didn’t make my leaving any easier. I told my parents I would be coming by the 31st, but I hadn’t even packed even a quarter of my stuff yet; I was constantly distracted.

The objects I had been trying to pack all day just held so many memories. Memories that I couldn’t help but smile back on and laugh at.

Sophmore Year

My eyes were focused on the sheet of paper clutched in my hand as I made my way through the crowded hallway, trying to decipher the small blocks that made up a map. I couldn’t make sense of it, and glanced around the hallway, searching for a friendly face.

I glanced down at the paper again, desperate to find my first period class before the bell rang, hurrying down a small flight of stairs. There were about four steps left when I lost my balance, falling forward.

My landing was softened by another body, and I was terrified when I realized that not only did I knock down another student, but my face was less than three inches away from his crotch.

”Oh my God!” I said, blushing furiously as I stood up, wincing slightly as I put pressure on my leg. “I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”

The boy stood up, laughing good-naturedly, albeit a bit awkwardly as his hand moved to scratch the back of his neck. “It’s no big deal. I’m fine, but are you okay? That was quite a fall.”

I felt my blush deepen, and I shifted my weight back onto my sore leg. I winced again, which the boy took notice of. “Are you hurt?” he asked, concern evident in his voice.

“Yeah, I’ll probably just be a bit sore for awhile. And probably bruised come tomorrow; nothing particularly bad,” I told him, offering a nervous smile. He grinned in return, and I couldn’t help but notice how attractive he was.

“I’m Rian,” he said, holding out a hand for me to shake. I reached out hesitantly, and felt his warm hand engulf mine.

“Grace,” I offered as he released my hand. He snorted at my name, and I let out a giggle. “It doesn’t really suit me,” I said, scrunching up my nose. “But, you know, gotta love irony.”

We smiled at each other, and the bell rang.

“Shit!” I muttered, looking for the map I had dropped in my fall.

“What’s the matter?” Rian asked me, and I turned back around to face him.

“I lost my map!”

“Of the school?”

“No, of Narnia!” I said with an eye roll, glancing around the hallway for the small piece of paper. “Of course it’s of the school. And now I have no clue how I’m supposed to get to first period, or any of my classes for that matter.”

“What do you have first period?” he asked, still smiling. It was a really nice smile, though, and it only made him more attractive.

“Algebra II in room 215,” I said, and his smile widened.

”Same as me! This means Lebauch can’t yell at me for being late, because I have an excuse. I had to help the pretty new girl find her was to class,” Rian said, winking at me.

I felt my cheeks flame at the complement, and I followed Rian to the classroom.

“Dawson, you’re late,” the teacher said in a bored tone, not looking up from the papers on his desk.

“Sorry, Lebauch, but Grace kind of had a fall on the way here, and she was pretty lost to begin with,” the boy explained, flipping his hair out of his eyes.

The teacher looked up, nodding at Rian and turning his attention to me. “Grace Hawthorne?” Mr. Lebauch asked. I nodded. “Welcome. You can take the empty seat next to Rian in the back.”

“Okay,” I mumbled softly, and then followed Rian to the back of the room, and taking the seat to his left.

***

“Hey, Rian. Happy birthday!” I said, taking my seat next to him in math the day before winter break.

Rian smiled, and I felt the familiar flutter in my stomach. “Thanks, Grace,” he told me, and I smiled in returned. I had befriended Rian on the first day, and we had become good friends in that time. His other friends had welcomed me into the group, and I had found myself developing feelings for the Junior that had taken me under his wing not long after.

He was cute, and he was sweet, and he was funny, and he was just all around amazing. I bit my lip, silently cursing myself for thinking about him like this. It was one of those crushes that would never be returned, because Rian had feelings for another girl.

“Are you still coming over tonight?” he asked in a hushed tone as Mr. Lebauch went over the homework from the night before.

I nodded, my smile a little tight as I thought about who else was going to be there. “Yeah, my mom’s gonna drop me off around five, on her way to work. Is that okay?”

“That’s perfect,” he said, flashing me another smile. “Just let me know when you’re on your way.”

Class went by quickly, and I said goodbye to Rian, giving him a hug, before heading off to my next class, and then the next. It was lunch before I knew it, and as I walked into the cafeteria, I felt a slight pang of hurt in my heart. Rian and Kara were already at the table we usually sat at, in what looked like an intense conversation. Her hand was on his shoulder, and I saw him smile at her.

Trying to ignore it, I got in line and got my food, and then making my way over to the group of Juniors that had become my friends over the past three months.

“Hey, Grace,” Alex called out as I drew close, and I noted how Rian and Kara stopped their discussion.

“Hey Alex,” I said, placing my tray on the table next to him. “What’s up?” The conversation continued, all of us talking about our plans for break, and the boys talking about a show they were playing soon. When the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch, I scrunched up my face and stood.

“I’ll see you guys tonight,” I told them, and received a snicker from Alex and Jack in return. “What’s funny, you two?” I asked, and they just shook their head, innocent expressions on their faces.

Rian rolled his eyes, muttering something to me about ignoring them as he started to leave the cafeteria.

“Whatever,” I mumbled to myself, leaving my friends with a final wave.

***

“Do I look okay?” I asked my mom a few hours later, coming down from my room after spending all my time since I had gotten home trying to figure out what to wear. I had decided on a pair of black skinny jeans and a sweater with a panda on it that hung loose on my frame. I reached up as my mom looked at my as she gathered her stuff for work, adjusting the headband that held my long brown hair out of my face.

“You look great, honey. Are you ready to go?” she asked, and I nodded.

I grabbed Rian’s present from where it sat in the living room, and slipped on my wedges that I had worn to school today. As I walked out the door, I dialed Rian’s number. When he answered I felt my feet slip from under me on a patch of ice on my way to the car. “Oww,” I groaned into the phone as a greeting.

“Grace?” Rian asked, knowing it was me already. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just slipped on some ice. I’m leaving now, so I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes.” I brought myself to my feet carefully, my mom coming over to help.

“Okay, thanks for letting me know. Just…try not to fall again, okay?”

“Shuddup! I’ll see you soon,” I told him, hanging up before he could reply. The car ride wasn’t long, and soon we pulled up in front of Rian’s house.

“And Rian’s gonna be taking you home later?” Mom asked as I hugged her goodbye,

“Yep! I’ll be home by eleven, okay?”

She nodded in response, and I got out of the car, taking the shoveled path through the snow that lead to the house. I knocked twice on the door, shivering against the cold as I waited for the door to open. I smiled at Rian when he finally opened the door, and stepped inside as my mom drove away.

“Hey,” I said, wrapping my arms around him in a hug. He returned it instantly, pulling me against him tight. “You’re warm,” I mumbled into his neck, causing him to laugh.

“Well, come on then,” he said, ending the hug but keeping an arm around my shoulders. “There’s food in the living room.” I felt a slightly blush on my checks as I walked with him into the living room.

“The others aren’t here yet?” I asked, a bit surprised to see the living room deserted.

“About that,” Rian said, scratching the back of his neck with the arm that wasn’t around me. “They’re not coming.”

“What?” I turned to him, confused once again.

“Grace, there’s something I wanna tell you,” he said, leading me to the coffee table, where two plates were laid out, a few dishes of food between them. I sat down in front of one plate, and watched as he sat down across from me.

“I like you, Grace. A lot.”

I was taken aback by his words. Rian was looking at me, clearly nervous. “You…like me?”

“Yeah, Grace, I do. And Kara’s been helping me plan this little thing, because she keeps saying that you like me back and that I should take a chance, but I wasn’t sure if she was right. But I figured maybe I should listen to her.”

“Well...Kara was right. I like you, too.”

***

I sighed, shaking my head as I tried to rid myself of the memories. That was then, and now things were different. Rian had been my first and old love, but I couldn’t do it anymore. Things were different.

My phone started ringing, and I ignored it. It was only Rian calling again and I couldn’t handle that right now.

I continued to pack everything away into boxes, ignoring the pain I felt in my heart. This wasn’t for me. It was for someone far more important than me.

With that in mind, I forced myself to continue boxing up my things, despite how much it killed me inside.

***

I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep while packing until I woke up to someone laying me down on the bed Rian and I had shared for years. My eyes fluttered open, and focused on the man next to me.

“Rian? What are you doing here?” I yawned.

“Did you honestly expect me to just let you leave? Sweetheart, we’ve been together for six years. The last thing I want is to lose you,” he said, his hand reaching up to stroke my cheek.

“But I can’t do this, Rian, now anymore. I need to think about the baby in all of this. I won’t be able to take care of our child by myself, and you’re gonna be gone. And it’s not fair to the child for you to keep popping in and out of our life. I don’t expect you to leave the band, because I get that it’s your dream, but I can’t do it. I can’t.” I shied away from his touch, tears building up behind my eyes.

“Gracie, Grace, baby, honey, sweetheart,” he cooed, lacing his fingers with my own. “Nothing is more important to me in the world than you. Than our family,” he said, his free hand reaching down to my stomach. “I’m willing to give up the band if that’s what it takes to make us work. Because I love you, and I love our child, more than anything in the world. Yes, the band is my dream, but I’m willing to give it up.”

“I don’t want you to give up the band,” I muttered, tears falling down my face. “I know how much it means to you. I don’t want you to give it up. But I can’t do it anymore, because of the baby.”

Rian sighed, squeezing my hand lightly, bringing it to his lips and kissing each of my knuckles before he spoke. “Grace, you are my world. I love you so much, and all I’ve wanted was to share my life with you, to share my forever with you. I know you’re hurting right now, and you think that leaving me is best for our baby, but either way I’m going to be in and out of our child’s life, like you said. And I know this is going to be hard on you, but please, sweetie, let us at least try to be a family. I’ll talk to the guys. I’ll talk to them about having shorter tours, about me coming back whenever I can. We’ll stay with your parents until you think we can do it on our own. I will be here for you and the baby. Because you have my heart, Grace, you’ve had it for six years. It’s yours forever.”

He was right. I felt like an idiot. He’d be in and out of the baby’s life, because of touring, whether or not we were together.

I’m stupid.

I turned away from him, hiding my face in my pillows. My decision to leave had been made more out of fear of him changing his mind about us, than about it not being fair to the baby.

“I’m stupid.”

“Babe, you’re not stupid. You were scared. I don’t blame you for being scared, because I’m scared too. This is huge for the both of us. It’s normal to be scared. But you need to talk to me. I didn’t realize how scared you were until you said you were leaving. What’s got you so scared Grace?”

I felt him get into the bed next to me, pulling me against him so that my back was pressed against his chest. “Talk to me, Gracie, please,” he said into my hair.

“I don’t want to lose you,” I muttered, keeping my head turned away from him. “I know you say all this now, but I’m terrified that you’ll leave the baby and I one day, and that would kill me. To know that you don’t love us enough to stay. It would kill me.”
His arms let me go, and the bed shifted as his weight was removed. I was confused by his leaving, and turned over to watch as he opened the closet, rummaging around with his stuff on the shelf above the clothes.

What was he doing?

“I had bought this a few months ago, and I was trying to figure out the best time to do this,” Rian said, facing me once again. “But, I think that now is that time.”

He walked to the bed, hands fiddling with something behind his back. “Grace, I love you. I have loved you for years, and losing you is something I don’t want to even imagine,” he began, kneeling next to the bed. A hand reached for mine, and I didn’t fight him. “I want to spend my life with you, because you’re my forever. And I know you’re scared right now, and I know you’re worried, but I will do whatever it takes to make it work for you. Because, Grace, I want you to be wife.”

With this said, the hand that wasn’t in mine raised a simple diamond ring, and I felt my heart skip a beat.

“Marry me, Grace?”

“So, you don’t want to leave me?” I asked, eyes locked onto his.

“Never,” he replied, bringing our entwined hands—my left hand—up so he can slip the ring on my finger. “So, what do you say, Grace? You think we can make this work?”

I looked from his hopeful and loving features, to our connected hands, to my stomach where our child was growing. I nodded, biting my lip to contain the smile at the knowledge that Rian wanted his forever to be with me.

“Yes.”