I'll Let You Live.

Once Lexi, Tom and Matty left I fell on to the floor into the heap of Tom's clothes I had angrily thrown out.

I couldn't keep doing this, I knew that. The thought alone made me break down.

I angrily cried just letting it all come out. Everything I've been holding in, the emotions raging through my body and the thoughts consuming my head. Most of all the want and need for Lexi. The thought of not having her in my life anymore made fear arise in me that I didn't know existed.

What would I do without her? Who would I be without her? It's something I didn't even want to know.

I forced myself off the ground and went to my bed. I just wanted to forget everything for a while, forever if possible.

I pulled my cover over my head and forced myself into a restless sleep. I didn't feel any better when I woke up though and I didn't have any energy to move or any will to do so the only time I managed to move was to go to the bathroom and return just as I was before.

"Oli?" I heard and closed my eyes tightly, "go." I said surprising myself by how raspy my voice was.

"Yeh can't keep doin' this mate." The voice I recognized as Lee's said.

"Leave." I said not even able to raise my voice.

"Have yeh seen yeh self?! Yeh look like propa shit!" Matty chimed in and I managed to shrug.

"That's it." I heard and before I knew what was happening I was being yanked from the bed.

"Leave meh 'lone!" I shouted as I fought with Jona to get free.

"No! Get yeh arse in tha showa, shave and don't make meh force food down yeh froat! Yeh been in bed for days!"

"I don't fuckin' care! I wanna be!" I said as he dropped my arm and I glared at him as I tried to steady myself since I hadn't stood in a while.

"What is yeh problem?!"

"All of yeh! Leave meh tha fuck 'lone!"

"So yeh juss wanna sit up here and rot?"

I nodded as I ran my hand down my cheek.

"Why? Cause of Lexi?" Matty asked causing me to wince just at the sound of her name.

"Don't fuckin' say her name. I don't give a fuck bout her." I snapped as I climbed back into my bed and Jona let out a sigh, "reallah? Cause this looks like yeh do."

"Fuck her." I mumbled.

"Yeh don't mean that."

"Yes I bloody do! She's ova at her apartment playin' bloody house wif my brotha like I mean nuffin!"

"Oh that's what yeh think is happenin'?" Matt asked.

"I know it bloody is."

Lee let out a laugh, "right. Then yeh propa daft."

I yanked the cover off my face and glared at him which caused him to speak, "funny we haven't seen her since all this happened either."

"Probably bangin' Tom." I mumbled and Matty rolled his eyes, "she has never shagged Tom, Oliver and yeh know that."

"Glad yeh know all this." I responded sarcastically and he glared at me, "get tha fuck up. Yeh gonna go talk to her."

"Fuck yeh i'm not goin' anywhere near her."

"Yes yeh are."

"No. I did nuffin wrong dammit!" I shouted angrily.

Why couldn't they just let me be?

"If she came here would yeh talk to her?"

"Yeah. Tell her how much I fuckin' hate her."

"Yeh wouldn't do that." Matty said rolling his eyes.

"Watch meh." I mumbled as Jona grabbed me up and I groaned as he shoved me into the bathroom.

"Now, showa or I'll frow yeh in there."

I rolled my eyes and slammed the door shut. I sighed as I finally looked at myself in the mirror.

I didn't even recongize myself. I needed to shave badly and my hair was in shambles. Basically I looked like complete shit.

I forced myself to shower and shave and once I was in fresh clothes I felt a bit better, but I still couldn't stop the aching in my chest.

If she came over, if I had to see her face. I was not real clear on what would happen...

I forced myself into the living room and all the guys looked up at me as I fell onto the couch.

"What now?" I growled and Jona rolled his eyes, "Lee's cookin' for yeh."

"I'm not eatin'. In fact this is my fuckin' house. Get out."

"Nope."

"Do I need ta have yeh blokes arrested to get some privacy?"

"So you can die and ruin our lives too? I fink not." Matty said and I rolled my eyes, "if only."

"Oliver. Man up for once. If yeh want her that bad go get her."

"It isn't that simple! In orda for that ta happen she's gotta want meh too, Jona!"

"She does. Trust meh. She'd leave Tom in a heart beat. All yeh gotta do is tell her what yeh told us."

"I've neva seen yeh like this mate..." Matt said seriously.

"it's because it has neva been her I've been in this sort of situation wif. It's different cause it's her." I responded with a sighed and leaned against the couch, "if you can get her ova here I'll tell her. But I mean, if she doesn't com, well, that juss proves i'm tha only one who cares."

I honestly didn't know if I would be able to tell her face to face, but at the moment it sounded like a good idea and I really wanted her here.

Matty rolled his eyes, "Have I told yeh lately how ridiculous yeh are?"

I shrugged. For some reason I didn't care when it came to dealing with Lexi.

"Come eat." Lee said and I groaned before stomping into the kitchen.

"I juss wanna go lay back down." I mumbled sitting down at the table.

"Eat and yeh can."

I sighed and fiddled with the food on my plate. I just wanted to lay back down and sulk in the thought of Lexi never being with me. Better to get the grief all out now compared to later.

I dropped my fork and let my forehead hit the table.

Is this what I would be without her? A mess? Someone I was unsure of?

I pushed my half eaten food away and slowly went back into the living room.

"Can I go now?" I asked like I was a child asking his parents for permission.

"No."

I rolled my eyes and fell into the floor grabbing one of the couch pillows to lay my head on.

"Yeh act like yeh bloody dyin'!"

"Feels like it." I mumbled and Matt sat beside me on the floor.

"Yeh know mate, this is probably the way yeh have made her feel for months."

For some reason that never crossed my mind and I now felt even worse than I thought possible. Was I really that much of a jerk? Was I really so oblivious to everything in front of me?

I sighed and buried my face into the pillow. He patted my back, "but see she forgives yeh cause she loves yeh that's why yeh gonna make fings right."

"What if she doesn't want to?"

"Mate, if she didn't want to she wouldn't be blowin' up meh cell wif text askin' if yeh ok." Matty said from the couch and I looked up at him, "Reallah?"

"Yeah, I quote, is Oliver ok? I really hate this. End quote."

I sighed, "I hate this too." I answered honestly.

"Exactly. No worries. I'm textin' her right now. She'll show up eventually."

"Maybe I should go there." I said a bit nervous but it felt necessary. She was right. I needed to fight for her. Prove to her that what she wanted I wanted just as badly. Prove to her that I was better for her than Tom and that I loved her like she loved me, if not more.

"That's what I've been sayin'..."Jona said rolling his eyes as I sat up.

"But what do I say? Hey sorrah for bein' a arsehole?"

"Well that would be a great start."

I sighed and ran my hand into my hair as nerves filled my stomach.

"If yeh love her mate. Yeh gotta suck it up and do this or yeh might lose her foreva."

"I know..." I whispered and Matt pulled me from the floor.

"Go dude."

I grabbed my keys and slowly walked to my car. I had to do this. I had to do this or I was going to lose her forever and was all this; me not being able to say what I feel, worth losing her over?