‹ Prequel: 101 Reasons
Fourteen Sundays
Tenth Sunday
Stan
차갑던 밤도 외롭던 밤도 언제나 (Even on cold nights, even on lonely nights)
내 곁에 있었는데 그댄 어디에 (You were always there for me.)
그댄 어디에 (But where are you now?)
- 지금처럼 (Just Like Now); DongHae동해
“Funny how all of us are gathered here unexpectedly. It’s not even her birthday or whatever.”Aya said completely baffled at how every one of us was there, sitting comfortably in Ann’s sanctuary eating pizza as of we’re kids on a picnic.
It just happened when I arrived both Aya and Lee are already there. A few minutes later James arrived holding a giant candle and then Enzo with dozens of flowers in his hands.
“When did you get here?” James asked.
“Just a while ago. I won’t stay long. Gramps is alone in New York and if I’m gone one second he’ll eat all the fats and sweets in the world.” He said his voice deeper and somewhat slow. He isn’t the scrawny, sickly Enzo I knew back then. No he’s changed. If only Ann can see him now, I would’ve gotten myself in a complete love triangle.
“Isn’t this supposed to be weird?” I asked laughing at our situation.
“What is?” Lee said his mouth full of pizza.
“Aww sorry Enz about Lee. He isn’t really used to civilization. There there.” James said patting Lee’s head like a lost puppy. “Swallow before you choke first.”
“I know right. Three of Ann’s leading men. In movies girls only have two men. In Ann’s case there are four. She’s lucky.” I looked at Aya and saw how hard she tries not to shed a tear it almost reminds me of Ann. Maybe it was Ann’s influence you know, how one can act strong in front of others and how quick one can break when alone.
“She always get what she wants. She always had a way of getting us to do things.” It was Lee’s turn to speak.
“Who would’ve thought we’re going to be this close to normal again.”
But we’re not normal. We are, in front of complete strangers. But being gathered like this, being with those who were with and who knew Ann, no, we’re not normal. We will never be fully healed. There will always be that one moment, there will always be that one moment, even how long it has been there will always be that one moment when all you want to do is cry.
“I remember how Lee almost lost it when Ann was being buried here. If only Ann saw it all she would’ve rolled on the floor laughing.”
“I remember that! I had the urge of pushing him!”
We laughed. Lee didn’t protest. It was nice, to somehow remember that moment with some random ad weird funny moments. It was as if Ann doesn’t want us to remember it and cry.
“I know this is insensitive but I took this picture, I don’t know I just knew that we’ll somehow get to this point where all our tears had gone dry and the only thing left to do is to laugh about it.”
Lee fished his phone from his back pocket, scrolled and laughed the air out of him. Aya leaned in and she too is in tears. It was only a picture of me crying. Seriously I’m not even that bad looking. But when you had known me it would be fascinating to see me cry since my nostrils flare up and take the whole of my face. We all laughed even if it’s not funny, as I’ve said, when all the tears had ran dry there’s no other thing to do but to laugh.
“Shoot! I’ll miss my flight in 5 minutes!” Enzo said scrambling to his feet tripping here and there.
“Good luck with that, the way to the airport is hell in this time of the day. But hey visit anytime you can.”
"Promise."
“Fvck! I have a report in Calculus 4! I haven’t done a single thing! On second thought I can always do an impromptu.”
Lee, Aya and Enzo all rushed to their respective destinations leaving James and I alone. Great. I took my backpack and held out Ann’s journal.
“You brought that?”
“Yeah. Tenth Sunday.”
“I have a really bad feeling that you brought that for a reason.”
I opened the journal to the exact same page I last read last night when I slept in their house.
“That’s invasion of privacy.”
I looked at him disgusted, “As if dude! You read all our letters. This is our revenge.”
James looked at me his eyes wide with amazement. “She wrote me one?” he said like a child
“Of course. What made you think that she wouldn’t?” he just shrugged.
“Should I read it?”
“Go ahead.”
Tenth Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know you're waiting for your letter James. You probably will shake your head no, but we both know the truth. I think now is the time. Here is my five-part letter to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I closed the journal for awhile and looked at James.
"Are you ready?"
And in a mere whisper he replied,
"She knows I am."
“I think you should read it on your own.”
I placed the journal propped open in his lap. He didn’t look at it, he’s still probably gathering enough courage. But I left and promised him that I’ll be back after a few minutes.
When I am a few steps away from James I looked back. His head now bent in Ann’s journal. His fingers caressed the pages as if it were Ann’s lovely face. I cringed just by looking at how James tries had just to forget. James’ letter were five Sundays long. I read all of it.
It’s the saddest thing I’ve read in my life. But I’ll only share the first part. It is James who will tell the rest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
James,
I don't know what I'm thinking. Writing a letter this long when Mom and Dad's letter are just half pages. I guess this is what you do, you know, when there is a chance that you can no longer be with someone as important as life.
First off I’d like to say thank you, for constantly being there. when the world has turn its back on me you are the only one who held me up and turned my back against the world. I know right. I just copied that whole thing from Lion King. Remember how much both of us cried when Mufasa died?
Which made me really think, if you cried in that how much more if I won’t make it? the thought of it hurts me. I swear every night I hear you scream in your dreams, screaming my name, screaming that I live for you. I am trying James, trying real hard. But there are times that I just want to give up. The pain is too much for me to bear
Lately I haven’t been able to ask how you’re doing. This past few months it has all been about me. How are you James? How’s school? How’s the feeling of nearing close to college? What course will you take? What are your plans? What would you want to do? Have you ever thought about your future? Or has it been that all your life all you worried about was me?
You always ask me how I am, how I’m doing at school, what I want to be when I grow up, my future plans. You worried about them as if they were your own. You ask me way too much that I am not able to ask you the same.
Thank you for that. You’re probably the only brother who does that even if your sister is not even good to you.
And I remember all the time you asked me I haven’t even gave you a serious answer. Today all questions that you asked will be answered. All of them. Are you sure you can handle the truth?
I want to be a doctor James. Funny right? Since I’m not even smart. But I want to be one. I want to cure kids like Sierra, I want to cure people who have the same disease as me. Kids aren’t supposed to feel these feelings they’re too young to understand, it will be unfair. They haven’t seen the world yet. So when I’m all well I’ll study hard and help them.
Well as usual school was hell. It always has been. I’m not the queen bee like you and Aya and everyone thought. No. I was being bullied. Especially the time when all of them found out I had cancer. All people are saying things behind my back; they keep on judging me as if they know me. School is hell. Most people are hell. And I wish that one day they’ll walk in my shoes just for them to know how it feels like. How it feels like to wake up every morning having to worry if this will be your last. But I try my hardest not to listen to them. Because I know the more they say about me, the more they define themselves. Those pathetic b1tches, they talk as if they knew what they’re talking about. They don’t have half of the awesomeness that I have.
I don’t have plans. Plans don’t usually work the way you want. If things happen then I accept that they happen, if they don’t then I try something else. Less heartbreak and disappointments. Only those who don’t dream have plans.
Remember when you asked me if I still want to fight? You know? The time when they shot me some pain killers that I almost feel like they’re killing me? Remember when I nodded yes? I lied. I can’t take it anymore James. It hurts. It hurts so much even breathing is a pain.
I can’t take it anymore James.
I can’t.
It hurts.
I don’t want to feel it again. And you know what I realized? I realized that it's ok to give up if you know you've done everything and it still hurts then it's time to give up and let go and move on to whatever plans God has for you.
I want to give up James.
I am giving up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
차갑던 밤도 외롭던 밤도 언제나 (Even on cold nights, even on lonely nights)
내 곁에 있었는데 그댄 어디에 (You were always there for me.)
그댄 어디에 (But where are you now?)
- 지금처럼 (Just Like Now); DongHae동해
“Funny how all of us are gathered here unexpectedly. It’s not even her birthday or whatever.”Aya said completely baffled at how every one of us was there, sitting comfortably in Ann’s sanctuary eating pizza as of we’re kids on a picnic.
It just happened when I arrived both Aya and Lee are already there. A few minutes later James arrived holding a giant candle and then Enzo with dozens of flowers in his hands.
“When did you get here?” James asked.
“Just a while ago. I won’t stay long. Gramps is alone in New York and if I’m gone one second he’ll eat all the fats and sweets in the world.” He said his voice deeper and somewhat slow. He isn’t the scrawny, sickly Enzo I knew back then. No he’s changed. If only Ann can see him now, I would’ve gotten myself in a complete love triangle.
“Isn’t this supposed to be weird?” I asked laughing at our situation.
“What is?” Lee said his mouth full of pizza.
“Aww sorry Enz about Lee. He isn’t really used to civilization. There there.” James said patting Lee’s head like a lost puppy. “Swallow before you choke first.”
“I know right. Three of Ann’s leading men. In movies girls only have two men. In Ann’s case there are four. She’s lucky.” I looked at Aya and saw how hard she tries not to shed a tear it almost reminds me of Ann. Maybe it was Ann’s influence you know, how one can act strong in front of others and how quick one can break when alone.
“She always get what she wants. She always had a way of getting us to do things.” It was Lee’s turn to speak.
“Who would’ve thought we’re going to be this close to normal again.”
But we’re not normal. We are, in front of complete strangers. But being gathered like this, being with those who were with and who knew Ann, no, we’re not normal. We will never be fully healed. There will always be that one moment, there will always be that one moment, even how long it has been there will always be that one moment when all you want to do is cry.
“I remember how Lee almost lost it when Ann was being buried here. If only Ann saw it all she would’ve rolled on the floor laughing.”
“I remember that! I had the urge of pushing him!”
We laughed. Lee didn’t protest. It was nice, to somehow remember that moment with some random ad weird funny moments. It was as if Ann doesn’t want us to remember it and cry.
“I know this is insensitive but I took this picture, I don’t know I just knew that we’ll somehow get to this point where all our tears had gone dry and the only thing left to do is to laugh about it.”
Lee fished his phone from his back pocket, scrolled and laughed the air out of him. Aya leaned in and she too is in tears. It was only a picture of me crying. Seriously I’m not even that bad looking. But when you had known me it would be fascinating to see me cry since my nostrils flare up and take the whole of my face. We all laughed even if it’s not funny, as I’ve said, when all the tears had ran dry there’s no other thing to do but to laugh.
“Shoot! I’ll miss my flight in 5 minutes!” Enzo said scrambling to his feet tripping here and there.
“Good luck with that, the way to the airport is hell in this time of the day. But hey visit anytime you can.”
"Promise."
“Fvck! I have a report in Calculus 4! I haven’t done a single thing! On second thought I can always do an impromptu.”
Lee, Aya and Enzo all rushed to their respective destinations leaving James and I alone. Great. I took my backpack and held out Ann’s journal.
“You brought that?”
“Yeah. Tenth Sunday.”
“I have a really bad feeling that you brought that for a reason.”
I opened the journal to the exact same page I last read last night when I slept in their house.
“That’s invasion of privacy.”
I looked at him disgusted, “As if dude! You read all our letters. This is our revenge.”
James looked at me his eyes wide with amazement. “She wrote me one?” he said like a child
“Of course. What made you think that she wouldn’t?” he just shrugged.
“Should I read it?”
“Go ahead.”
Tenth Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know you're waiting for your letter James. You probably will shake your head no, but we both know the truth. I think now is the time. Here is my five-part letter to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I closed the journal for awhile and looked at James.
"Are you ready?"
And in a mere whisper he replied,
"She knows I am."
“I think you should read it on your own.”
I placed the journal propped open in his lap. He didn’t look at it, he’s still probably gathering enough courage. But I left and promised him that I’ll be back after a few minutes.
When I am a few steps away from James I looked back. His head now bent in Ann’s journal. His fingers caressed the pages as if it were Ann’s lovely face. I cringed just by looking at how James tries had just to forget. James’ letter were five Sundays long. I read all of it.
It’s the saddest thing I’ve read in my life. But I’ll only share the first part. It is James who will tell the rest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
James,
I don't know what I'm thinking. Writing a letter this long when Mom and Dad's letter are just half pages. I guess this is what you do, you know, when there is a chance that you can no longer be with someone as important as life.
First off I’d like to say thank you, for constantly being there. when the world has turn its back on me you are the only one who held me up and turned my back against the world. I know right. I just copied that whole thing from Lion King. Remember how much both of us cried when Mufasa died?
Which made me really think, if you cried in that how much more if I won’t make it? the thought of it hurts me. I swear every night I hear you scream in your dreams, screaming my name, screaming that I live for you. I am trying James, trying real hard. But there are times that I just want to give up. The pain is too much for me to bear
Lately I haven’t been able to ask how you’re doing. This past few months it has all been about me. How are you James? How’s school? How’s the feeling of nearing close to college? What course will you take? What are your plans? What would you want to do? Have you ever thought about your future? Or has it been that all your life all you worried about was me?
You always ask me how I am, how I’m doing at school, what I want to be when I grow up, my future plans. You worried about them as if they were your own. You ask me way too much that I am not able to ask you the same.
Thank you for that. You’re probably the only brother who does that even if your sister is not even good to you.
And I remember all the time you asked me I haven’t even gave you a serious answer. Today all questions that you asked will be answered. All of them. Are you sure you can handle the truth?
I want to be a doctor James. Funny right? Since I’m not even smart. But I want to be one. I want to cure kids like Sierra, I want to cure people who have the same disease as me. Kids aren’t supposed to feel these feelings they’re too young to understand, it will be unfair. They haven’t seen the world yet. So when I’m all well I’ll study hard and help them.
Well as usual school was hell. It always has been. I’m not the queen bee like you and Aya and everyone thought. No. I was being bullied. Especially the time when all of them found out I had cancer. All people are saying things behind my back; they keep on judging me as if they know me. School is hell. Most people are hell. And I wish that one day they’ll walk in my shoes just for them to know how it feels like. How it feels like to wake up every morning having to worry if this will be your last. But I try my hardest not to listen to them. Because I know the more they say about me, the more they define themselves. Those pathetic b1tches, they talk as if they knew what they’re talking about. They don’t have half of the awesomeness that I have.
I don’t have plans. Plans don’t usually work the way you want. If things happen then I accept that they happen, if they don’t then I try something else. Less heartbreak and disappointments. Only those who don’t dream have plans.
Remember when you asked me if I still want to fight? You know? The time when they shot me some pain killers that I almost feel like they’re killing me? Remember when I nodded yes? I lied. I can’t take it anymore James. It hurts. It hurts so much even breathing is a pain.
I can’t take it anymore James.
I can’t.
It hurts.
I don’t want to feel it again. And you know what I realized? I realized that it's ok to give up if you know you've done everything and it still hurts then it's time to give up and let go and move on to whatever plans God has for you.
I want to give up James.
I am giving up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~