‹ Prequel: 101 Reasons
Fourteen Sundays
Seventh Sunday
Stan
Not all words fit to their meanings.
Sometimes what is said is not what is meant
And what is meant
Is left unsaid.
-tumblr
“Stan! Stan! Guy with a weird green shirt! Wait up!” I sighed, ever since I met Louise she wouldn’t live me alone. I met Louise a few days after Ann died, she called me “guy with a weird green shirt” and she still calls me that even if I am not wearing green.
I’m now in college and for a weird reason I took up BS Biology, James did the same. And when we saw each other during first period I know, even without speaking, we both did it because of Ann.
Louise caught up and smiled in front of me. “Want to have lunch?”
“Actually I’m meeting up with my friends.”
Her smile vanished, “Oh. Okay.”
“Stan!” I turned around to see Aya walking towards me. If you should know anything about Aya, it’s only that she’s taking up Law. It surprised us alright since her biggest obsession was Calculus, but I think it’s bearable hearing her talk about Math than having her constantly talking, almost breathing about Republic Acts.
“Where’s Lee?”
“Still in class. Hi!” she said stretching her hand to Louise, “I believe we haven’t met yet. I’m Aya Stan’s friend.”
“Hi. I’m Louise.” Louise then turned to me and smiled “I’d better get going.” and then walked away.
“You didn’t tell me you’re dating someone.” Aya said raising her eyebrows.
“I’m not.”
“Yeah right, I see the way she looks at you.”
I just sighed.
“It’s time to move on Stan; Ann would’ve wanted it that way.”
I know Aya meant well but what she said hits home. And I don’t think she has the right to say that friends or not.
“You want to know Aya? You really want to know? Every day I wake up pretending that I’ll be seeing Ann. Every fvcking day I deluded myself that I’ll hear her voice. And guess what, it gets me by. But the moment that I have to wake up and realize that it’s not true. The moment I wake up to finally realize that she died then I die with her.”
My voice rang the whole corridor mere by passers just stood and fell silent when they heard my outburst.
Pity surrounds the walls of the corridor and it didn’t lessen the burden of having to say that aloud. I walked out and didn’t attend classes for the rest of the day.
“Stan I…”
“You know what I’m sorry. Just tell James to text me.” and then I left all eyes were on me but I didn’t care. They don’t know… they don’t have the slightest idea about how I feel.
Ann’s resting place became my sanctuary. My mom finally gave in and agreed to let me stay in her house. Would you believe a mom will do that? Normal moms would’ve begged their sons to stay with them and to not live a life astray. But my mom isn’t normal. Normal is not something that runs in my blood.
“I can’t believe you bailed on us.” It has been my habit complaining to Ann’s gravestone ever since she died. I think it’s much straightforward this way than having to complain to some unknown higher power you haven’t even seen.
“There we were supporting you throughout your sickness and poof you just bailed without even having that damned surgery!” I wish for her to answer back, to reply, and to say something out of nowhere. Even if it’s just my mind talking, imitating her voice, imitating how she speak. I want to have that slight assurance that she’s still with us. But I hear nothing, the whole park is buzzing close to insanity but I heard nothing that resembles Ann, it was like hearing silence in the midst of chaos.
“I know you’d be here.”
Louise sat beside me and just stared at Ann’s grave as if they knew each other since kindergarten. We didn’t speak and surprisingly enough the awkward silence doesn’t even seem awkward and strange at all.
“I see you here often.” She said smiling but not exactly looking at me, funny enough, it was as if she’s talking to the sycamore tree.
“Yeah, since it’s planted there and obviously trees, even sycamores, cannot walk.” I answered hoping that my sarcasm will help for her to live.
“Ahhh. The joys of being sarcastically gifted.” She didn’t even budge. “It helps to talk to someone you know. It helps you through.”
“You don’t know what I’ve been going through.” I said icily enough just to make her smirk and laugh sarcastically.
“Losing the closest person you have in your life because she killed herself. Yes. I think I don’t have enough experience to know what you’re going through.”
I can’t find my voice to answer. All the spiteful comebacks I tried to formulate in my brain just so she would leave me alone vanished and are replaced by thoughts of wanting to say sorry. But I am too ashamed of myself to even speak.
“I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone Stan. When my sister died no one even hugged me, I felt so alone. I don’t want anybody experience that but I guess you’re strong enough to handle it your own.”
Before I knew it she’s gone. And the more I convinced myself that she’s wrong the more painful it gets. I didn’t need further explanations, the hurting itself proves, that what she said is indeed true.
I decided to visit Ann’s room after that, hoping that maybe I can find something she left me. When I reached her house nobody was home. I was hoping against all hopes that Ann’s house keys are still where she’s hiding them. Luckily enough they’re still there.
I scrambled through the keys and went straight to Ann’s room. The first thing I noticed were the lights I worked on so hard just to get them up the ceiling. It was the first time that Ann got to appreciate the stars.
I sat on her bed and smiled at the frames holding Ann’s pictures. One with James and her. And one with me, her and James. All our smiles were real because oddly enough all were stolen pictures taken by her dad.
Besides her pillow was Ann’s diary on which she wrote “14 Sundays” my heart skipped a beat and started beating rapidly all of a sudden. My hands are shaking when I held it in my hands. I decided to open it and read the Seventh Sunday. Since it was in the seventh day of September that I started giving her the reasons.
In her always neat writing she wrote Seventh Sunday. differently than most of the Sundays. I remembered mine was just written in curves, this time Ann wrote it in printed hearts as if directly saying, that it’s meant for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Going through all this goodbye stuff is hard. I’ve already written to almost everyone who has been a part of my life. I think I have to lay low on that for a while and write this Sunday about something relevant and fun.
You (James, Stan, Mom whoever reads this) probably doesn’t have the slightest clue why I write only on Sundays. First off the reason why I chose to write on a Sunday is because I was born on a Sunday. It was on a Sunday that I knew I had cancer. It was on a Sunday that I found the video that started 101 Reasons. And it was also on a Sunday that I am chemo free meaning lesser barfs on a Sunday.
Why 14? Because the first time I wrote on it was exactly 14 Sundays away from February 8, my expected surgery.
Ok that’s boring. Now the main point. This Sunday I would like to stress on the signs that will lead you straight to the girl meant for my two favorite boys. Stan and James. Reasons why I’m doing this are; first, because we all know how James can be so stupid and naïve and insensitive and foolish and dense about a girl’s feeling. If you don’t agree James I have Cassidy to prove that. Second, I know Stan, and when things turned out the way we didn’t plan, he’ll just sulk and die single. (hahaha)
7 Signs
1. If she always follows you around like a lost puppy, concerned to hell about you, rushes wherever you are just because your nail died and do whatever it takes just to comfort you then run away from her she’s a stalker. (kidding) really, if a girl does that then she’s a keeper, you’ll go straight to hell if you ignore someone like that.
2. Loves the same music that you love. Enough said. (Who would want to go on a concert alone?)
3. If she believes in 11:11, birthday candles, eyelashes, and all that lame made up stories where you can wish and all she wishes for is you then be with her. No one would ever waste their wishes if it doesn’t mean so much for them.
4. If she’s way more sarcastic than you. <3
5. If she’s b1tchy, snob, plastic and throws a fit like I do then stay far, far away from her. But if she has a sensitive heart when needed (like me) then Stan she’s exactly who you’re looking for. (PS if the girl that you’re dating now asks you to treat her like a princess then ditch her right away. You don’t go out with her just so you can open the door for her, or she can let you hold her bag while she shop, or she can boss you around. You should find someone who wants to be treated as an equal. YOU ONLY TREAT A GIRL LIKE A PRINCESS IF SHE’S A LEGIT PRINCESS.)
6. If she watched, read and breathe harry potter ever since JK Rowling started publishing it then you should know that she’s smart enough to have such taste. I don’t have enough reasoning why this number is a sign but harry potter is my bible. Anyone who reads it is worth keeping.
7. If she forgives you no matter what you do. And if she still loves you despite all your flaws never let her go.
If anything else I just want you guys to know that it’s always okay to love. Yes I’m allowing myself to be this sappy. You are capable of loving and you to deserve to be loved in return. When love finds you don’t run away from it, accept it at all cost because when it finds you it only means that it is meant for you. You are meant to be happy.
Leaving doesn’t always mean pain, somehow when you look at it, it also means hope. Hope that one day throughout this loneliness you’ll find your way out and learn to accept that things don’t always go the way you want it to.
Live your life guys. I did. I loved. I’ve been loved in return. I experienced pain, joy, embarrassment, rejection, anger, disappointment everything. I cried. I laughed. I smiled. I giggled. You need to experience everything (even the ones that hurt) in order to live.
And you should start living life again by loving guys. It is the first and only step you have to take in order to move on and let go.
Pretty as always,
Ann
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t know anything about signs but I have this certain feeling that this one is it. I placed the diary exactly where I got it and reached for the jar containing Ann’s reasons from her dresser.
It was almost dark when I reached the park. And when I reached Ann’s favorite bench I saw someone sitting. The way her hair blew with the wind was exactly how Ann looked like when I secretly watched her sitting there before. Her gaze fixed on one person to another exactly how Ann looked at someone and secretly making up stories about them. I inched closer and closer, and the more I can see her, the more I am certain that the one sitting at the bench is Ann.
And then finally she turned around, her eyes searched mine. And I smiled. The jar still in my hands. “You’re right. I do need someone”
“I know.”
“But I need to talk to her first.”
Her smile was her response. And after that I rushed to Ann’s graveyard and sat beside it. I placed the jar above her gravestone and counted the remaining reasons.
~~~~~~
Reason # 91: You give me hope. Live for me.
~~~~~~
“Let’s finish what we started Ann,
We have 8 reasons left.”
Not all words fit to their meanings.
Sometimes what is said is not what is meant
And what is meant
Is left unsaid.
-tumblr
“Stan! Stan! Guy with a weird green shirt! Wait up!” I sighed, ever since I met Louise she wouldn’t live me alone. I met Louise a few days after Ann died, she called me “guy with a weird green shirt” and she still calls me that even if I am not wearing green.
I’m now in college and for a weird reason I took up BS Biology, James did the same. And when we saw each other during first period I know, even without speaking, we both did it because of Ann.
Louise caught up and smiled in front of me. “Want to have lunch?”
“Actually I’m meeting up with my friends.”
Her smile vanished, “Oh. Okay.”
“Stan!” I turned around to see Aya walking towards me. If you should know anything about Aya, it’s only that she’s taking up Law. It surprised us alright since her biggest obsession was Calculus, but I think it’s bearable hearing her talk about Math than having her constantly talking, almost breathing about Republic Acts.
“Where’s Lee?”
“Still in class. Hi!” she said stretching her hand to Louise, “I believe we haven’t met yet. I’m Aya Stan’s friend.”
“Hi. I’m Louise.” Louise then turned to me and smiled “I’d better get going.” and then walked away.
“You didn’t tell me you’re dating someone.” Aya said raising her eyebrows.
“I’m not.”
“Yeah right, I see the way she looks at you.”
I just sighed.
“It’s time to move on Stan; Ann would’ve wanted it that way.”
I know Aya meant well but what she said hits home. And I don’t think she has the right to say that friends or not.
“You want to know Aya? You really want to know? Every day I wake up pretending that I’ll be seeing Ann. Every fvcking day I deluded myself that I’ll hear her voice. And guess what, it gets me by. But the moment that I have to wake up and realize that it’s not true. The moment I wake up to finally realize that she died then I die with her.”
My voice rang the whole corridor mere by passers just stood and fell silent when they heard my outburst.
Pity surrounds the walls of the corridor and it didn’t lessen the burden of having to say that aloud. I walked out and didn’t attend classes for the rest of the day.
“Stan I…”
“You know what I’m sorry. Just tell James to text me.” and then I left all eyes were on me but I didn’t care. They don’t know… they don’t have the slightest idea about how I feel.
Ann’s resting place became my sanctuary. My mom finally gave in and agreed to let me stay in her house. Would you believe a mom will do that? Normal moms would’ve begged their sons to stay with them and to not live a life astray. But my mom isn’t normal. Normal is not something that runs in my blood.
“I can’t believe you bailed on us.” It has been my habit complaining to Ann’s gravestone ever since she died. I think it’s much straightforward this way than having to complain to some unknown higher power you haven’t even seen.
“There we were supporting you throughout your sickness and poof you just bailed without even having that damned surgery!” I wish for her to answer back, to reply, and to say something out of nowhere. Even if it’s just my mind talking, imitating her voice, imitating how she speak. I want to have that slight assurance that she’s still with us. But I hear nothing, the whole park is buzzing close to insanity but I heard nothing that resembles Ann, it was like hearing silence in the midst of chaos.
“I know you’d be here.”
Louise sat beside me and just stared at Ann’s grave as if they knew each other since kindergarten. We didn’t speak and surprisingly enough the awkward silence doesn’t even seem awkward and strange at all.
“I see you here often.” She said smiling but not exactly looking at me, funny enough, it was as if she’s talking to the sycamore tree.
“Yeah, since it’s planted there and obviously trees, even sycamores, cannot walk.” I answered hoping that my sarcasm will help for her to live.
“Ahhh. The joys of being sarcastically gifted.” She didn’t even budge. “It helps to talk to someone you know. It helps you through.”
“You don’t know what I’ve been going through.” I said icily enough just to make her smirk and laugh sarcastically.
“Losing the closest person you have in your life because she killed herself. Yes. I think I don’t have enough experience to know what you’re going through.”
I can’t find my voice to answer. All the spiteful comebacks I tried to formulate in my brain just so she would leave me alone vanished and are replaced by thoughts of wanting to say sorry. But I am too ashamed of myself to even speak.
“I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone Stan. When my sister died no one even hugged me, I felt so alone. I don’t want anybody experience that but I guess you’re strong enough to handle it your own.”
Before I knew it she’s gone. And the more I convinced myself that she’s wrong the more painful it gets. I didn’t need further explanations, the hurting itself proves, that what she said is indeed true.
I decided to visit Ann’s room after that, hoping that maybe I can find something she left me. When I reached her house nobody was home. I was hoping against all hopes that Ann’s house keys are still where she’s hiding them. Luckily enough they’re still there.
I scrambled through the keys and went straight to Ann’s room. The first thing I noticed were the lights I worked on so hard just to get them up the ceiling. It was the first time that Ann got to appreciate the stars.
I sat on her bed and smiled at the frames holding Ann’s pictures. One with James and her. And one with me, her and James. All our smiles were real because oddly enough all were stolen pictures taken by her dad.
Besides her pillow was Ann’s diary on which she wrote “14 Sundays” my heart skipped a beat and started beating rapidly all of a sudden. My hands are shaking when I held it in my hands. I decided to open it and read the Seventh Sunday. Since it was in the seventh day of September that I started giving her the reasons.
In her always neat writing she wrote Seventh Sunday. differently than most of the Sundays. I remembered mine was just written in curves, this time Ann wrote it in printed hearts as if directly saying, that it’s meant for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Going through all this goodbye stuff is hard. I’ve already written to almost everyone who has been a part of my life. I think I have to lay low on that for a while and write this Sunday about something relevant and fun.
You (James, Stan, Mom whoever reads this) probably doesn’t have the slightest clue why I write only on Sundays. First off the reason why I chose to write on a Sunday is because I was born on a Sunday. It was on a Sunday that I knew I had cancer. It was on a Sunday that I found the video that started 101 Reasons. And it was also on a Sunday that I am chemo free meaning lesser barfs on a Sunday.
Why 14? Because the first time I wrote on it was exactly 14 Sundays away from February 8, my expected surgery.
Ok that’s boring. Now the main point. This Sunday I would like to stress on the signs that will lead you straight to the girl meant for my two favorite boys. Stan and James. Reasons why I’m doing this are; first, because we all know how James can be so stupid and naïve and insensitive and foolish and dense about a girl’s feeling. If you don’t agree James I have Cassidy to prove that. Second, I know Stan, and when things turned out the way we didn’t plan, he’ll just sulk and die single. (hahaha)
7 Signs
1. If she always follows you around like a lost puppy, concerned to hell about you, rushes wherever you are just because your nail died and do whatever it takes just to comfort you then run away from her she’s a stalker. (kidding) really, if a girl does that then she’s a keeper, you’ll go straight to hell if you ignore someone like that.
2. Loves the same music that you love. Enough said. (Who would want to go on a concert alone?)
3. If she believes in 11:11, birthday candles, eyelashes, and all that lame made up stories where you can wish and all she wishes for is you then be with her. No one would ever waste their wishes if it doesn’t mean so much for them.
4. If she’s way more sarcastic than you. <3
5. If she’s b1tchy, snob, plastic and throws a fit like I do then stay far, far away from her. But if she has a sensitive heart when needed (like me) then Stan she’s exactly who you’re looking for. (PS if the girl that you’re dating now asks you to treat her like a princess then ditch her right away. You don’t go out with her just so you can open the door for her, or she can let you hold her bag while she shop, or she can boss you around. You should find someone who wants to be treated as an equal. YOU ONLY TREAT A GIRL LIKE A PRINCESS IF SHE’S A LEGIT PRINCESS.)
6. If she watched, read and breathe harry potter ever since JK Rowling started publishing it then you should know that she’s smart enough to have such taste. I don’t have enough reasoning why this number is a sign but harry potter is my bible. Anyone who reads it is worth keeping.
7. If she forgives you no matter what you do. And if she still loves you despite all your flaws never let her go.
If anything else I just want you guys to know that it’s always okay to love. Yes I’m allowing myself to be this sappy. You are capable of loving and you to deserve to be loved in return. When love finds you don’t run away from it, accept it at all cost because when it finds you it only means that it is meant for you. You are meant to be happy.
Leaving doesn’t always mean pain, somehow when you look at it, it also means hope. Hope that one day throughout this loneliness you’ll find your way out and learn to accept that things don’t always go the way you want it to.
Live your life guys. I did. I loved. I’ve been loved in return. I experienced pain, joy, embarrassment, rejection, anger, disappointment everything. I cried. I laughed. I smiled. I giggled. You need to experience everything (even the ones that hurt) in order to live.
And you should start living life again by loving guys. It is the first and only step you have to take in order to move on and let go.
Pretty as always,
Ann
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t know anything about signs but I have this certain feeling that this one is it. I placed the diary exactly where I got it and reached for the jar containing Ann’s reasons from her dresser.
It was almost dark when I reached the park. And when I reached Ann’s favorite bench I saw someone sitting. The way her hair blew with the wind was exactly how Ann looked like when I secretly watched her sitting there before. Her gaze fixed on one person to another exactly how Ann looked at someone and secretly making up stories about them. I inched closer and closer, and the more I can see her, the more I am certain that the one sitting at the bench is Ann.
And then finally she turned around, her eyes searched mine. And I smiled. The jar still in my hands. “You’re right. I do need someone”
“I know.”
“But I need to talk to her first.”
Her smile was her response. And after that I rushed to Ann’s graveyard and sat beside it. I placed the jar above her gravestone and counted the remaining reasons.
~~~~~~
Reason # 91: You give me hope. Live for me.
~~~~~~
“Let’s finish what we started Ann,
We have 8 reasons left.”