You've Got Me, Right Where You Need

“Be nice, he’s feeling a little fragile at the moment” I warned Zahra.

“Im always nice” she retorted.

She was looking as lovely as ever. She managed to incorporate her work tee into whatever outfit she chose, where I just wore mine with jeans. I always felt so self conscious around Zahra. She really was so beautiful and I felt so inferior next to her. I tried to let it show too much though.

“What’s up with the tee’s?” he asked, standing up and making his way over from the sofas in the corner.

“Oh, we have to wear a uniform now” I scoffed and attached the name tag.

“You don’t like them?”

“I do, it’s just, I don’t know really”

“Well I think they look nice” he smiled and then placed his mug of tea on the desk. Tom then barged in all in a fluster. “You alright mate?” josh asked I could hear the slight smile in his voice. It warmed my heart to know he was feeling slightly better.

“Fine, just people getting on my nerves.”

“Already? Dude its like half 9 in the morning”

“I know” he said solemnly and signed in quickly. “Come on you” he nugged josh, and Zahra took them up to the studio. She came skipping back down and then faced me.

“Oakley is taking me away for a few days so I wont be here until next Monday” she smiled sweetly.

“Bit of a random day to go”

“It’s the only times he’s free” she shrugged. “So what’s up with josh?”

“Hanna’s left him?” I said quietly.

“What?!” she squeaked, and I shushed her.

“She’s left him, and he’s pretty broken up, so just be nice to him yeah?”

“Sure thing. Damn I didn’t know it was that bad, he’s pretty good at hiding things.”

The more I thought about it, the more I realised how right she was. As soon as Zahra had come into work that day, josh had almost put a mask on, but when it was just me and him, he didn’t care how upset I saw him. He just wanted to be real around me I guess which was nice.

“Hey, I know this is random, but when’s your next hospital appointment?” Zahra asked. “Its just I thought they were gonna tell you what’s wrong next time you go”

“Yeah they are its next Monday morning”

“Are you nervous?”

“Kinda, I just wanna get it sorted”

“Im sure everything will be fine. You taking Sonnie with you?”

I was hoping to go on my own, but images of that night where I confessed that I was scared to him came flooding back. He told me that we would do this together, that we would get through this together. I wanted to do this on my own but Sonnie did want to help me, and I felt like I was pushing him away in some respects.

“Yeah, I’ll go ring him now” I smiled and stepped outside. He picked up on the second ring.

“Ello gorgeous, and to what to I owe this pleasure?” I could hear the smile in his voice, and I began to giggle.

“I just wanted to ask a favour, you don’t have to say yes but I was just wo-“

“Come on spit it out” he joked

“Ive got a hospital appointment on Monday morning, I was just wondering if you would come with me”

“Of course I will” he started and then I heard someone shouting in the background. “Sorry love ive gotta go, im sort of in a lecture, speak soon” and with that he ended the call.

Monday came around quicker than I thought, and before I knew it, I was sat in the waiting room of the hospital, next to Sonnie, who had my hand in his.

Again I had had to borrow clothes from liana, but hopefully this would be my last visit. I pulled the sleeves of the blazer down just as a nurse came into the waiting room.

“Violet, the Dr. is ready for you now” I nodded and looked at Sonnie for reassurance; he smiled slightly and kissed my cheek.

“You’ll be fine, and I’ll be right here when you get out” I nodded and stood up to follow the nurse. I took a few steps and stopped.

“Sonnie, can you come with me?” I asked quietly, and he jumped up instantly and grabbed my hand. We followed the nurse into Dr. Robertson’s room and sat on the other side of his desk.

“Lovely to see you again violet, now I do believe you are here for your test results.” I nodded and he smiled before grabbing some paper on his desk and then looking up something on his computer. I squeezed sonnies hand harder and he rubbed circles in the back of my hand, trying to comfort me.

“Ah here they are” and he squinted to look at the screen. For the test I had had to spend a night in a sleep clinic whilst they monitored me. I didn’t sleep most of that night due to the fact that I was nervous, but they said they had got all the results they needed. I had also been to a counselling type meeting so they could interrogate me about my life.

“Right then” he said and turned to face me. He was wearing the ‘bad news’ sympathy smile which made me squirm in my seat. “It seems that instead of insomnia, you may have something called sleep apnoea”.

I looked at Sonnie and he just looked back. “What’s that?” I questioned.

“In most cases sleep apnoea is where the throat relaxes and collapses sufficiently to cause a total blockage of the airway; it is called an apnoea when the airflow is blocked for 10 seconds or more. In your case you have what we call Central sleep apnoea. This is where the central nervous system fails to signal the muscles that control breathing. This means that during the night you run out of oxygen. This lack of oxygen causes you to wake up from your deep sleep so your body can regulate your breathing. After this it is hard to get back to sleep”

I nodded finding the sense in his words. “So what happens now?”

“Well sleep apnoea is treatable” he continued. “Without treatment it can lead to more serious conditions like high blood pressure and in some cases even heart attacks. Now while this condition is more common within older people, and this type of sleep apnoea is the rarest kind, there are still help we can offer you.”

So I listened to Dr. Robertson tell me what to do, such as sleeping on my side and sewing tennis balls into my pyjamas so I don’t roll over. I made an appointment for 6 months time and then Sonnie walked me back to work after we had grabbed a bite to eat.

“So how you feeling now?” he asked as we stood outside.

“Better, im just glad im all fixed” I smiled and he wrapped his arms around my waist.

“I better be getting back” he sighed and I jutted out my bottom lip. He bent down and kissed me softly, and then a door opened behind us. We pulled away to see josh standing there. I could feel the heat rising in my face. “Hey man” sonnie smiled at josh as we untangled ourselves from each other, but Sonnie still held my hand.

“Hey Sonnie, violet” he nodded to me and I smiled back. Sonnie quickly checked his watch and then looked back up.

“I better head off, don’t wanna be late for my lecture” he kissed my cheek before rushing off. I looked back at josh who was looking at the floor.

“You alright?” I questioned. He nodded and then motioned to a bench. We sat down and he faced me.

“We leave for tour tomorrow, I just came to say bye but you weren’t here.”

“Oh, well im here now” I smiled.

“That you are” he laughed and pulled me into a hug.

“So tour eh?” I said whilst pulling away, but he kept his arm around my back. “You excited?”

“Yeah, I guess. I mean it’s gonna be nice to get away from things” he said with a sad smile on his face. It looked like there was something more he wanted to say on the subject, be instead he asked something else. “So where were you?”

“Oh um the hospital, my results were in”

“Oh, so you took Sonnie with you?” I nodded and he filled his cheeks up with air and then let them out. “So what did the doc say?”

I told him that rap that I would probably have to repeat several times for everyone. At the end of it he wrapped his arms around me again and I rested my head on his chest. He was so warm and smelt so nice I just wanted to stay wrapped up in him forever.

“And how are you doing josh?”

“Im fine” he whispered into my ear. I could feel his breath on my neck and my head began to spin. I thought that when I got with Sonnie all my feelings for josh would stop. I mean that’s not the reason I was with him, but I thought that would happen. I guess not.

“So are you and Sonnie like ‘officially’ together” josh asked. I nodded and he smiled lightly. “Does he make you happy?” he asked like he really wanted to know. I looked up and his eyes were boring down into mine. I knew that if I spoke my voice would break, so I just nodded. He let out a small breath and blinked slowly. “It’s about time someone did”. Before I could say anything else he stood up “Come on miss, you have work that needs to be done.” And he held his hand out to pull me up. He smiled and then kissed my forehead. “Bye vi”

“Bye josh” I managed to choke out. I watched his disappear down the road before trudging into work.