You've Got Me, Right Where You Need

“Ello love, miss me?” he asked, pulling me into him. I held him close, thinking it might be the last time. “I’ll take the fact you’re holding me like I might disappear as a yes” he whispered into my hair.

I can’t do this.

I pulled back and looked into his big blue eyes. He smiled at me lightly and kissed the end of my nose. I had to admit it. He was perfect. But did I want perfect? He pulled me to the sofa. And we sat in silence.

Coward.

“vi, you’re as stiff as a board, what’s up?”

Im gonna do this. Even if Sonnie hates me for the rest of my life, josh is worth it.

“I um, I have to tell you something” I managed to choke out, and he looked at me like I was mental. “but first, let me ask you something.” I sat up away from him and faced him. “are you happy?”

“happy?” he asked and I nodded. “well why wouldn’t I be?”

“ok, maybe that was to vague, are you happy with me?”

“im so confused right now vi, can you just say what you wanna say”

“see that’s the problem, I don’t know what I want to say. I can think of any reason why I want to say what im about to”

“well, just say it and we can work it out together.”

“Sonnie, I love you, I really do, but recently I feel like we’ve lost what we had at the start.” His eyes shot to mine, and he stared at me like id just told him I was actually a man. “I mean, it’s like there’s no spark. We see each other all the time and we never do anything special anymore. I just feel like we’re living in an empty shell. I don’t really see us going anywhere”

It was silent for a bit. I waited for him to speak, but it looked like he was having trouble contemplating what I had said. “I don’t… I mean… what are you trying to say?”

I gulped and took a deep breath. Time to administer the final blow.

“im saying that I don’t think we should be together anymore.” His face suddenly drained of all colour. I didn’t know weather to keep quiet or carry on talking. Sonnie clearly wasn’t going to speak, so I carried on. “I just don’t feel like I used to, and I don’t think I ever will. I mean I don’t know where I stand with you anymore.”

“but you promised” he said through gritted teeth.

“Promised what?”

“You promised you’d never leave me” I’d never seen him look so sad. And it broke my heart knowing that I was the cause. I let out a small breath and tried to think of a logical answer when Sonnie beat me to it. “we don’t need to end things; we can just try and make them better, right?”

“Sonnie, it’s not about making things better again. I don’t think I can be with you anymore. Not now anyway.”

“but why?” I didn’t have time to answer him because it seemed that Sonnie had answered his own question. “there’s someone else isn’t there?”

“w-what?”

“your seeing someone else and don’t have the guts to tell me so your making up some shit about how we’re not right for each other. Who is it violet?” by now he was past upset and had moved onto angry

“Sonnie I-“

“don’t lie to me violet, I’ll find out one way or another. Or shall I guess?” he cut me off. “Its josh isn’t it” he said josh’s name like it left a bad taste in his mouth. My face must have given it away because he stood up and towered over me. “Well sorry I wasn’t good enough” he whispered and left, slamming the door behind him. I on the other hand curled up on the sofa and let the tears fall silently.

Waking up on my own was hard, but I managed to drag myself out from under the warm sheets and trudge to work. I was not in the mood for anything or anyone today.

My eyes were still puffy and red from all the crying, and no matter what I did or used to try and make it better, nothing would make me look normal again. It was cold out, and the walk to work was frustrating as ever. Too many people running around and rushing too try and not be late to work.

Zahra was overly happy, either that or I was so depressed everyone else’s mood just seemed intensified.

I know what you’re thinking. Why am I so upset when I wanted to end it with Sonnie? I guess I just wanted things to turn out differently. I thought maybe he might understand, or something. I love Sonnie I really do, just not in the way I used to. He’s more of a best friend to me now.

“Good morning sunshine!” Zahra sung. I smiled, but it didn’t reach my eyes. “What’s up love?”

“I um” I let out a small sigh and shook my head. “It’s nothing, just a bad night” she looked like she wanted to say something, but the phone rung and she had to answer it. I spent the rest of the day watching the people that walked in, and wondering what they were thinking. Weather the smiles that were attached to their faces were sincere or if it was taking every ounce of their being just to appear normal to everyone else. I know it was getting harder for me to smile and pretend that my heart hadn’t been ripped out of my chest.

“I um, im going to the loo” I said and stood up, making my way over to the stairs. As soon as I stepped onto the first step, the door opened and liana came rushing in.

“Oi you, over here now” she shouted at me as she flopped onto the sofa on the other side of the reception. I walked over slowly and took a seat before she pulled me into her arms. “You ok vi?” I nodded as best I could and held onto her as tight as humanly possible. It was one of those times where you don’t feel the need to cry, but as soon as someone hugs you, all your barriers fall down and your eyes begin to flood. She pulled back but still kept her arms around me. “So Sonnie came home last night”

The sound of him name brought more tears to my eyes. I took in a shaky breath and tried to will the tears to go away. “How um, how is he?”

“He’s upset.”

“I could have guessed that much”

“Lets just say, when I woke up this morning, he was sat in the same place that we left him.”

I chewed on my lip furiously and brushed my fingers through my hair. “Did he um, did he tell you what happened”

“He just said that you didn’t want to be with him anymore.”

“What did Freddy say?”

“Not much, he was more on your side. Sonnie was going a little over the top, so he told him to calm down and sleep it off. He said there was nothing he could do about it and it was your decision and there was nothing he could do. That seemed to shut him up for a bit” she smiled

“I didn’t wanna hurt him, it just happened”

“I know, its ok love, I don’t blame you”

“Are you kidding me?” we heard Zahra shout from across the room. We looked up and she was shouting angrily down the phone. We stood up and made our way over to her. “Oh, well thank you very much” she ended and slammed the phone down.

“Zee? You ok?” liana asked, as her head was resting on the table, banging it up and down lightly.

“No, im homeless” she started “that was my land lord, he just kicked me out” she huffed. Zahra’s land lord was always threatening to throw her out, but we never thought he would do it.

“Its ok zee, infact I have a little proposition to make.” Zahra looked like she was to annoyed to care, and I just sat at my desk and listened to what liana was about to say. “So before we were interrupted last night” she winked at me, “Freddy wants me to move in with him. I mean I practically live there anyway so its no big deal right?”

Yeah not for her maybe.

“So if its ok with you vi, why don’t you take my room?”

“oh my goodness, vi is that ok?”

“Don’t be stupid zee, I’d love to have you there, plus coral is like hardly ever there and when she is you wont even notice her.”

“thank you” she smiled and gave me a hug, before running around and giving liana one too. “I have to go pack; will you be ok on your own?”

“yeah, go ahead, ill see you later” I smiled and she run out.

“you don’t mind me leaving do you vi?” liana asked.

“I guess not” I smiled, “I’ll miss you though”

“I’ll miss you too” she said with tears in her eyes and she hugged the life out of me.

When I got home from work, I changed out of my work things into a top and some shorts and sat watching the TV aimlessly until there was a knock on the door. I trudged slowly to it, thinking it was Zahra. I opened it slowly, only to see Sonnie on the other side. He looked pale and there were dark circles under his eyes.

“Can I um, come in?” he asked nervously. I nodded and he walked into the lounge. I sat down near him and he pulled at his hair before speaking. “Im sorry I left yesterday, that was stupid, but I came today to fix things. I don’t wanna leave it like this.” I nodded and sat up straight. “So is it josh then?” I nodded slightly and he breathed out, but it looked like it was painful for him.

“Me and josh went to school together, and I really liked him then, and I thought that me and him could still be friends now, but I can’t be just friends with him. Ive tried but I feel too much for him. I wish that what I do feel for him was just friendship because it would make things a whole lot easier, but life’s not always that simple. I didn’t want to lie to you anymore Sonnie. You mean to much to me.” I could feel my eyes filling up, and Sonnie looked like he was to tired to feel or do anything right now. I put my hand over his, which was on his knee, and he didn’t move away. A small smile appeared on my lips when he squeezed it lightly. “Before I met you I never knew what it was like; to look at someone and smile for no reason. I didn’t know what it felt like to love someone, and to be loved back. I’ll never forget that. I don’t want to lose you Sonnie. Most of the time you’re the only person who really understands me.”

By now the tears that were building up had well and truly escaped from my eyes, and Sonnie brushed them away lightly. “Why are you so perfect?” I sniffed and he laughed lightly.

“What do you mean by that?”

“You should be mad at me, but your not, your making me feel even worse”

“Ive had some time to think Vi, and I just want you to be happy. And hey, I might not be the one to make you happy, but that’s ok. I understand where you’re coming from but I never really saw the signs until you pointed them out. And I don’t want to be mad at you, cause if I am then it’s just gonna make it harder to move on.”

“Stop being so understanding, I want you to be mad with me”

He smiled lightly and hugged me to his chest. “I love you, violet. You’re impossible to be mad at.”

“I love you, too Sonnie. You deserve someone much better than me.”

“I know” he chuckled. He pulled back and held his hand out to me. “Friends?”

“Friends” I giggled and shook his hand. Zahra turned up not long after and we spent the rest of the night watching crappy films and eating pizza. I fell asleep with my head resting on sonnies shoulder, feeling happier than I had all day.