I Never Dreamt Because I'm Just Too Busy

I sighed. “If you think I’m stupid after I finish telling you, go ahead and say so. It’s alright if you do, because I know this shouldn’t be as big of a deal as it is to me.”

“Don’t do that.”

“What?”

“Don’t try to diminish your experience. It’s something that’s been bothering you, and if it’s bothering you then it’s not something stupid, alright?”

“Okay. But really. It’s not as big a deal as I think it is.” I fiddled with my thumbs. “Most of this took place in second grade. At the beginning of that year, there was a new girl in school. She’d moved over from California and didn’t have any friends. Oriah, that was her name,” I briefly smiled at the thoughts of giddy sleepovers and the smores shared in my backyard. “Quickly though, I found that we had become inseparable. Soon enough we acted like we had known each other since birth. As the year continued on, I found that these two girls were teasing her constantly. At the time, I myself was a pretty strong willed eight year old. The times that I heard them talk in a demeaning way to her, I would tell them to stop it, that the things they were saying just weren’t right. Of course they never listened. It’s not as though they were talking shit in front of the whole class, no. It was just to us. I suppose that was so they would seem like such sweet angels. It was as though having a good reputation never hurt, just in case someone was to spill the beans to the teacher.” I paused. “About the middle of the year, I found out that her parents were going to move again, all the way to Rio Rancho in New Mexico, so there was hardly a chance that I was ever going to see her again. She never told me why they moved. I wasn’t sure whether it was because one of her parents had to move because of their job, or maybe for family. I never found out. But either way, I was saying good bye to the first best friend I had ever known.”

Stephen continued to stare at me as I paused again. I’m not the best with my mouth, and it shows. I can never really seem to present my words in a way that people can understand. Most of the time it comes out jumbled.

I’m trying though, and it shows. I could feel my forehead crinkled up in concentration, and Stephen noticed I was trying to put my thoughts into words. He rested his hand on my knee, telling me to continue.

“Once she moved, they started to pick on me. It wasn’t terribly bad in the beginning. A snide comment here or there about how they didn’t like me. They toyed with my emotions. They were nice one day, and completely cold the next. It was like a riding a roller coaster blindfolded; I knew I was in for something, but I could never see what was coming next.

“And so it went on, and on. They told me I was stupid time and time again. They also increasingly teased me about my weight. I wasn’t stick thin back then, and in my mind I’m sure I was perfectly normal. I was just someone that they knew wouldn’t fight back I suppose. Funny, how I could easily stand up to them when they were telling my friend mean things, but when it came to me, I was hopeless.

“I figured that maybe, they would leave me alone if I didn’t pay attention. Really though, my ignorance to their words only seemed to fuel them more. Soon enough, they were telling me that I would never amount to anything, and that I was annoying to everyone around me.” I took in a shaky breath, and Stephen held my hand, playing with my fingers I think trying to comfort me. “That really hurt. They said that my family never wanted me, and my friends didn’t like me at all. You know how it is. At first you never think much of it, and you know that they’re just telling you this to get under your skin. But, the thing is, once you’re told something enough, you start to believe it.” I laughed without humor. “They planted the seed of doubt in my head, and soon enough I found every excuse that I could to see what they wanted me to. I actually thought for the longest time that nobody me. And I still do all the time. I think that I’m annoying and never know when to shut up. It’s true. I can see it sometimes. I get the feeling all the time that I’m oversharing things and that nobody wants to hear about what I have to say. That’s the reason I don’t talk much. But that obviously wasn’t enough for them.

“Not long after, they told me that I was ugly. That was their favorite. That and saying my mom didn’t want me in the first place.” My voice cracked on the last word and I felt myself tearing up, and I didn’t want to cry. I told myself I wasn’t going to, but my eyes betrayed me. “I could tell you to name all the nasty things you could ever imagine a child to say to another, and I would probably tell you that over half of those they had told to me.” I tried to wipe inconspicuously at the tears spilling from my eyes, but it wasn’t working. Stephen pulled me into his chest, and I tried to push him away.

“No, it’s okay.”

“No it’s not,” I choked out. “I’m going to get your shirt all wet a-and I shouldn’t even b-be crying anyway.”

“Seriously Anabelle, it’s alright just let it out.” He pulled me into an embrace and I felt myself break apart completely.

“My cousin was just as bad as they were. He told me a lot of the same things, and I don’t understand why. It was like I could never get away. If I was being teased at school, I was getting teased at my aunt's house.

"I told my mother once, that he was being mean to me. But she brushed it off like nothing telling me he was just kidding around, and I was just being a big baby.. She never listened at all. I couldn't believe her. So then, I never told her about the girls at school, because I didn't think she would listen or care. I didn't want her to think I was a wimp, so I stayed quiet.

"Between those girls and my cousin, there was something in common; they said that nobody would ever lo-love me. Time and time again. And honestly, t-ten years later a-and I believe them.” I sniffled and I wasn’t sure whether he could understand what was saying, but I was almost positive he could. “It’s true. A l-lot of the time I w-wonder why I’ve never been in a relationship. Lots of the t-time I think that it’s because I j-just haven’t met the right p-person. B-but there’s always th-that nagging sensation that tells me I’ll never be good enough. Or even th-that there’s a reason my p-parents are never home. I'll never live up to my parents expectations. And I d-don't want to be a f-failure in their eyes.

"I can tell you for sure that if they wanted to cause d-damage, they sure as hell did a good job on my self-esteem.”

I continued to sob into his shirt, feeling the most vulnerable I ever have.

“Don’t feel that way. Don’t believe the things that they say.” Stephen said softly, “ You can’t honestly tell me you think you’re nothing.”

“B-but I do.”

“That’s not right. Your cousin is fucked up and he never should have said those things to you. How can you believe them though? You’re beautiful. There's plenty of time for love, it's not as though you need to find it now. You can argue all you want, but you're gorgeous. And you can’t honestly tell me you thought you were annoying. I can’t empathize with what you’ve gone through, but that doesn't mean I don't care.” He paused. “Why were you so hesitant to tell me?”

“B-beacause I d-didn’t want to overwhelm y-you with my emotions. It s-seems like e-everytime I o-overshare people d-decide to leave me thinking I’m t-too heavy of emotional baggage.” I sniffled, and I didn’t w-want to frighten you away…”

“Anabelle, I told you it wasn’t going to change anything. I had no idea you felt this way about yourself though, and I’m sorry that you went through that.” He stopped talking again. “You’re really strong though. But it’s not good to keep all of this stuff inside of yourself.” He pulled back for a minute to look me in the eye, “Can you promise me that you’re going to talk to me when you feel bad? If you ever start to feel like you’re not worth anything that you’ll talk things out with me? I’d rather you do that than bottle everything up, because it’s not healthy.”
I nodded and he pulled me back into him and we were silent for a while. “Stephen?”
“Yeah?”

“Thank you for listening.”

“Anytime,” he kissed my forehead, “Anytime.”