The Misadventures of Link

(don't forget about the music in the author's note!)

Link the Inventor.

Of all the great ideas I’ve come up with, there was one that was by far the greatest. “Away with you, toothbrushes and toothpaste!” I had said one day, fed up with the twice-daily routine of brushing my teeth. It was then that I vowed I would find a way to never have to use either again. Just using mouthwash and floss wasn’t going to cut it, so I decided I would just have to invent something totally new... but then give someone else credit so people wouldn’t stalk me even more than they already do. After I had drawn out a plan of what I wanted to create, I ran as fast as I could -- surprisingly not to Sheik’s house -- but to Zelda’s brother’s place.
Shocking, I know. Most people don’t know Zelda has a brother, and even I had only found out a little while before these events occurred. Digressing from this story for a moment, I believe this needs an explanation of its own. Zelda told me that long ago, she had a younger brother named Alaric. Alaric was awkwardly different from the rest of the Royal Family. For probably hundreds of years, the Family had only had golden yellow hair and blue eyes -- while he had been born with dusty grey hair and brown eyes. They later found out he had a disorder called phlegmcacofinrotioutitis -- which is a lack of phlegm in one’s body. Somehow, this makes the color of their hair never develop, so they’re born with it being grey instead. The king and queen were always worried about him, for he was weak and timid -- unlike Zelda. Everyone had always joked about how Zelda was “more of a man” than he was, and after a while he just left the castle -- as he felt he was more of a burden than an asset. Nobody knew where he had gone when he left, and sadly nobody cared enough to go looking. But Zelda said that on her birthday a few years ago, she received a letter from him. He had told her that he was now living in the caves deep inside the Lost Woods.
“I would have gone to look for him,” she had said,”but only the Kokiri can enter those woods without becoming lost and turning into a monster.” True that, Zelda. Luckily for me, I knew my way around these woods, so I could go looking for him. I decided not to tell Zelda about this adventure, because I figured she would either want to join me or stop me before I could even start. So with nothing but the blueprints of the invention, a sword and shield, and some Deku nuts, I set out for the caves.
Once I got to the entrance of the Sacred Forest Meadow, I looked around at the other entrances surrounding this one. I started pacing around in a circle, listening for weird changes in the music of the forest. One of the entrances in particular made me stop and listen for a while ; there was no music at all coming from it. I found this strange, and took this path onward. The silence continued, until suddenly I started to hear music growing from deeper in the woods. It wasn’t the normal song of the forest, though -- it was like the song of the forest in reverse and slow motion. I followed this music until I came to another part of the woods where the music stopped completely. To my right there was an entrance, with a stone path and old wooden frame. The entrance on the left looked even older, with a distorted shape outlined by sticks and rope.
I started heading for the entrance with the stone path when I suddenly heard sloshing and splashing behind me. I turned to see where the noise was coming from. When I did, I saw shallow water slowly filling around my ankles, as if a body of water was starting to flood from the other entrance. I followed where the water was coming from through the older entrance with the sticks for a frame and found a large pond of sorts. I waded my way through the water, which was mucky like swamp water, until I noticed something black bobbing on the water’s surface. It was deeper in the pond, so I started swimming out to it. Once I got closer, the shape started to take on more of a shape. It was a head -- but not just any head -- it was the head of a Zora. I cautiously swam over to it and gently tapped its cheek with my hand. I stared at it for a while, and saw that it was still not moving. So, I started swimming away. While I was swimming away, I was suddenly pulled underwater with such great force I felt my leg pop out of place. I tried to focus my vision on what had grabbed me, and saw a slender black figure swimming further down still gripping my leg. It was the Zora, of course. I used my other leg in a futile attempt to kick its hand away, which only resulted in it grabbing that leg too. My thoughts started racing on things I could do to escape, when I suddenly remembered I would have to breathe eventually. I shut my eyes, thinking this was the end for me. After a few moments more of being dragged through the water, I could feel my chest aching from the lack of oxygen and lost all hope I had had for myself at the beginning of this journey. I started to feel bad for myself and blamed the black Zora for my early death ; I cursed it to be reborn as a servant only used as a footrest for Ganondorf.
In the middle of my self-pitying, I was suddenly thrown onto hard, slippery rocks on a bank. While gasping for air and clutching my legs in pain, the Zora came closer to the bank and stared beyond me with its beady, darker black eyes. “Your majesty! Look!” it said, pronouncing the letter J as if it were an H. I looked behind me to see who it was talking to just to see a dark, wet cave entrance.
I looked at the Zora and asked,”Hey, do you know if these are the caves Alaric lives in?” It hissed at me, making me jump back a little, then dove back underwater. “....I guess he doesn’t know...” I said quietly to myself.
“Why do you want to know where Alaric lives?” a voice came from behind me. I turned in the direction it came from, which was inside the cave.
“Do you know where he lives, sir?” I asked. There was a silence.
“Who wants to know?”
“Uhh, me... I’m a friend of Princess Zelda. You know, from--”
“Please, come in.” I sat there a moment longer, then dragged myself inside the cave. It was a little lighter in the cave, but only because there was a small fire in the corner. I looked around for who could have spoken, and turned around just to be met by a pair of big brown eyes.
“Holy mushroom!” I cried, jumping back a little. “Who are you?” The man cleared his throat and sat down to be on the same level as I was. He looked dirty -- his hair greasy and uncombed, with stubble all over his chin and cheeks. The way his eyes stared lazily made him look tired, but not an old kind of tired. He had a soft voice that made him seem gentle and vulnerable, but his appearance didn’t give the same. I gasped, suddenly realizing he had the longest grey hair I’d ever seen. “Damn you’ve got some hair! You ever thought of selling that stuff? You could make a fortune -- well, if it was washed first, of course... About how long is it?” He gave me a weird look.
“...Um, enough about my hair. Were you sent here by Zelda?” he asked.
“No, she actually doesn’t know I’m here. And, not to be rude, but can you show me to where Alaric is?” The man gave me another weird look.
“You’re looking at him. Why are you here if--”
“I’m so sorry!” I said, facepalming. “Duhh, grey hair and brown eyes... It’s an honor to meet you, sir.” I bowed the best I could while still half-laying on the floor in pain.
“Thanks, it’s nice to meet you too... uh... what did you say your name was?”
“It’s Link -- Hero chosen by the Goddesses! Master of the sword, conqueror of evil... but you can just call me Link.” He stared at me with a funny look again.
“.........Riiiiight....... And why do you need me, Link?” He went over to the fire and poured something from the pot over it into a bottle. He handed it to me before I answered, and I drank the whole thing in three big gulps.
“Thanks. And I’m here to help you redeem yourself!” I said, taking out the soggy outlines from my bag.
“Redeem myself? Why do I need to redeem myself?” he asked, watching me unfold the soaked papers.
“Well, you kinda just left the castle... and if people did know you, they probably think you’re a wimp now.”
“Why would I need to redeem myself if Hyrule doesn’t even care in the first place?” he said, looking at me angrily.
“Because Hyrule will love you for this!” I inched closer to him with the blueprints and explained my whole idea and concept to him.
“....aaaaand why can’t you just make this?” he asked with an eyebrow raised. Having been healed by the soup’s magic abilities, I stood and pulled him up with me.
“Come with me to my home! You can invent this and we have most of the materials right there!” I started pulling him out of the cave after me.
“Wait! I can’t just leave here! I’m their prince!”
“Who’s prince? That evil Zora?!”
“All of those Zoras,” he answered.
“All Zoras?”
“Nooo, all of THESE Zoras,” he said, motioning towards some dark green Zoras in water away from the caves. They quickly ducked underwater.
“Why are you THEIR prince? They’re evil creatures -- I can just sense it!”
“They’re not evil, they’re just outcasts. They were born different from most other Zoras, so they left their home to find a new place to live. Kinda like me, except I can’t swim...”
“Well, if they’re outcasts, there’s probably a good reason for it,” I said dragging him over to the edge of the rocks. “Wait, you can’t swim?!” He sighed.
“Link, you just don’t understand. I can’t leave these people now, they would--”
“But they’re not people...”
“They would be without a leader, and without a leader they would be put at risk of--”
“But Hyrule really needs you to invent this, Alaric!”
“At risk of danger and who knows what else... They could be the target of hate crimes or something--”
“Alaric....”
“Or something even worse. They could be taken and sold as special meat on the black market or even more unimaginably horrible--”
“Alaric!”
“They could be bought as slaves for the Gerudo women and forced to mate... They could be left here to provide for themselves or face an ultimatum that they would usually rely on me to help with, yet find that--”
“ALARIC.”
“What?”
“....would it help if you appointed someone to fill your duties while you’re gone?”
“....I guess that could work... But only if it’s temporary! These Zoras need me...”
“Then choose your replacement!” I said, then jumped into the water. He thought for a moment, then called for all of them to gather. They all grouped around me (of course) and stared at him with admiration.
“Uhh... so, as some of you might have heard, I’m going to Hyrule for a little while...” This caused a few of them to gasp and whisper among themselves. “Yes yes, I know... But I will soon be back. In the mean time, however, I’ll need someone to take my place as prince... or princess... Whatever..”
Almost immediately, all hands flew up volunteering to take his place. He looked around the crowd in intense thought, then finally decided.
“You, Zeebit, you’re going to take my place while I’m gone,” he said, pointing to a light blue Zora with weird, almost Twili-like white markings on its body. All the other Zoras sighed and slowly started swimming away.
“Wait! We’re going to need someone to bring us back to the woods though!” Alaric said.
“No thank you! I can swim back without the help of these crazy--” A Zora that looked like any other normal Zora, besides its pale pink eyes, grabbed hold of my waist and pulled me under. I assumed Alaric was right behind me, so I let this Zora take me to the other pond. I folded my arms and glared as menacingly as I could at the blur behind me for making me go through this again. Thankfully though, this Zora wasn’t as rough so I didn’t have to fight back.
Once we finally reached the bank of the pond, the two Zoras dropped us off and soon after just dove right back into the water. “So, where do you live exactly?” Alaric asked as we started walking through the woods. Actually, no. Let’s just skip ahead to when we got to my house in Altea, because all he really wanted to talk about was Zelda and what Hyrule was like now, and the people of the land, blah blah blah. Plus nothing really interesting happened during that walk home, besides that we were nearly robbed by some birds with hats. But I saved the day, so it was all good.
So anyway, we got to my house later that night. The moment we walked in, we went straight to my basement -- to start inventing, not to be creepy. We stayed down there for three days -- only going upstairs to use the bathroom (which Alaric had difficulty remembering how to use a toilet at first). Finally, on the fourth day, the invention was nearly complete. All we needed to do was test it on someone.
“Hey Shadow!” I said, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him into an ally later that night in Castle Town.
“Whoaa, back up, Link. What do you think you’re d--” he started. I covered his mouth and shook my head.
“Just don’t ask questions and open your mouth,” I said, moving my hand from his face to a pouch on my belt.
“Ohh, is this your way of coming onto me? Are you taking your pants off?” he said, raising an eyebrow at me. I just ignored him and continued searching around for what we had made.
“Do you not know how to take your pants off or something?” Shadow said in an impatient tone. I stopped searching and looked at him with narrowed eyes.
“Are you trying to suggest that’s my goal?!” He tapped his chin in exaggerated thought for a moment. “Oh, shut it! Just open up,” I said. He did so. I took out the spray we had invented, made to be even better and faster than brushing. I sprayed it twice into his mouth, then told him he could close.
“Okay, how does your mouth feel?” I asked. He shrugged.
“ I dunno, just felt like you sprayed water in my mouth.” I paused and stared at his mouth wide eyed.
“.....Shadow?”
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked. I looked at the bottle, still wide eyed, then back at him. “What is it, Link?!”
“Umm... I don’t think this spray is quite perfected yet...”
“Why? What did it do to me?” he asked, starting to panic a little. I looked around in my pocket for my mirror (don’t judge me), and pulled it out to show him.
“Uhh... nothing too bad...”
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Where the hell did my teeth go?! I can still feel them, why can I not see them?!” he cried, feeling his invisible teeth with his hand.
“Uhhh... I’ll get back to you on that one.” I said, running away from him as fast as possible.
“Link! Wait! Don’t leave me here with invisible teeth!” he cried after me angrily. I ignored him and ran back home to tell Alaric.
We knew there had to be some way to perfect this spray, so we kept working at it. Two other times I had tested it out on Shadow -- once leaving him with the worst pain he said he’d ever experienced in his mouth, the other with teeth eight times their average size. We were almost to the point of giving up, when Marth suggested we simply put a spell on normal water.
“Brilliant!” I said. Of course, the next time it was tested it worked perfectly. We thanked him for his genius idea, then ran to get a spot in the marketplace for next week.

Days later, it was time for the spray’s debut. First, since there was a possibility of the king or Zelda being present at the market that day, we needed to establish a fake name for Alaric to use. Marth and I stared at him and tapped our chins in thought. After a moment, Marth said,”He looks like an Asher.” I nodded.
“Yeah, he does look like an Asher... Do you like that name?” I asked him. He shrugged.
“Uhh, sure I guess.”
“Good, then it’s agreed. Asher it is.” I then pushed him into a nearby seat. “Now we need to clean you up. Hold still.” Marth, with his hair and hygiene expertise, cleaned him up in no time at all. He had quickly given him a haircut, so that now he didn’t have hair hanging down his back. It now resembled that of Light from Deathnote. The stubble on his chin and cheeks was now gone, and he no longer smelled like a swamp. “Great job, Marth! He looks great!” I cheered, patting him on the back. “Now we just need to get you some new clothes...” We looked him over, trying to decide what color would look best.
“I’m thinking purple,” Marth said.
“Actually, I was thinking more of a red,” I said, scratching my chin in thought. After a few moments more of thinking of which color he should wear, he interrupted us with his opinion.
“Can’t I just wear something simple, like white and black for now?” he asked. We pondered this idea for a while until finally agreeing.
“Sure, white and black sounds like a good idea for now,” Marth said. “We’ll find you something that will look good, okay?” He nodded. We then went to the market and bought him a nice white tunic, similar in style to my friend Prince Komali’s, and a pair of plain black pant legging thingies. As for footwear, we just got him some plain brown lace-up boots. We returned an hour or so later.
“Alright! Get dressed, and then we’re off!” Marth said merrily. He did so, but there was one last thing he needed to complete his new look/disguise. I handed him a pair of small, rounded sunglasses.
“There!” I said. He gave me a funny look.
“What are these for?” he asked.
“Well, if you come walking into Castle Town with your grey hair and brown eyes, people might recognize you. Not many Hylians look like you do, you know,” I said. He looked at the sunglasses, then back at me.
“What will be my excuse for wearing these?” he asked. “I can’t wear them indoors without looking foolish.”
“Not if you say you’re blind,” I said. He thought about this for a moment.
“Alright, point taken. But won’t I need something to feel around with?”
“Use echolocation!” I suggested. “We have amazing ears, remember?”
“Link, you are such a genius,” Marth cooed. I grinned.
“Thanks! I AM, pretty smart, aren’t I?” I sighed happily. “Well, we better get going -- am I right?” With that, we left for the market.

****
The market was bustling that day, and people from all over had come to see the revealing of an all-new invention -- Toothspray. Marth and I had set up a small stage platform for him to speak on, with plenty of samples placed on a table near the center. Alaric (I mean, “Asher”) had gone up on the stage and made a sales pitch so convincing, he sold almost all the bottles we had brought and all the samples were taken. Not only that, nobody recognized him -- and everyone believed he was really blind! Everyone applauded him for his magnificent performance, and by that time it was a little after noon. People were leaving the market and returning to their daily routines, making sure to introduce themselves to the now ever-so-popular Asher.
“I bet he’s glad we forced him to do this, right?” I said with a grin to Marth. He nodded and agreed, and we let him be as a group of brunette girls started surrounding where he was standing. Marth and I then returned home to get a much needed night’s sleep, quickly drifting off as we got under the covers...