"You Can't Stay a Saint in This City"

“Amber, honestly you should go see a doctor.” Says Ivy from a drugstore on the other side of town.

“What other reason would there be for this?”

“Okay, I’m going to pick up one of every pregnancy test and if they all come out negative you’re going to the doctor.”

“Fine,” I reply as I pick up Givenchy. I have dogs, how different could a child be? Not that different, I hope. Except dogs don’t cry, dogs don’t resent you during their teenage years, and dogs are furry and cuddly. But having a child sounds like a great excuse to waste your money. Plus I could turn my rarely used home office into a nursery, mint green walls with a crib made from driftwood and I could buy a jogging stroller and…

The ringing of my BlackBerry snaps me out of my daydream at first I think its Ivy telling me she forgot the security code to my gate but a quick glance at the caller ID tells me differently

“Hi Milan, it’s not really a good time right now.” I say into my phone.

“What’s wrong Amber?” I should tell him shouldn’t I? I mean he deserves to know but what if Ivy is right and I’m not ‘with child’ then all I would be doing is setting him up for disappointment. I know a lot of guys get freaked out by the thought of having children but Milan has never been one of them.
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“Milan what’s wrong?” I ask, as we mark our quizzes in Physics.

“Amber,” I think he’s going to end that statement with ‘it’s none of you business’ but he doesn’t “if I tell you, you can’t tell anyone understand?”

It’s not like I’m little miss popular, who would I tell. “I promise”

“Heather texted me yesterday” He says in a hushed tone.

“Good for you,” I say as I try to focus harder on the substitute teacher explaining free body diagrams. “What did she say?” I ask Milan as I doodle my name into the left hand corner.

“She’s pregnant.” He says it so quiet I practically had to press him mouth to my ear.

“Milan, you didn’t!” I half yell catching the attention of Elizabeth Channing five rows up. “Did you?” I whisper this time.

“Well you know… once, I mean we used protection but she’s not on the pill.”

Is there anything more awkward that talking to a guy about his sexual experiences with someone else?

“I don’t know, sometimes you just have to deal with the cards you’re dealt.” I tell him, I mean children are cute and all but I could never imagine myself with one. “Milan I’m sure you’re in the clear. When the news goes public everyone’s going to think it was William McMillian. They’ve been in a perpetually open relationship since sixth grade.” and they’ll probably give their child a stupid name like William McMillian. “I’m sure everything’s going to be fine Milan.” I tell him giving him a hug because hugs solve everything.
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“Hi, Dr. Lancaster,” I say as I take a seat on the examination table. I’ve never gone to the doctor since arriving. I’m not even sure if I have the proper paperwork. Ivy assured me it was going to be alright and set up an appointment with her doctor.

“Hello, do you prefer Ambrosia, Amber?” he speaks in a soft voice and seems very grandfatherly I like him already.

“Amber’s fine.” I reply dangling my legs off the table.

“Okay, Amber now Ivy’s told me you haven’t had your period in a while, correct?” he says it in a way that doesn’t even make me blush.

“Yeah, um about 4 months. It usually skips around a lot but I’ve never gone this long without it”

“And you’ve ruled out pregnancy?”

“Yeah,” but even after 8 negative tests I’m still not ready to give up.

“So any new sources of stress in the last 4 months or so?” Dr. Lancaster asks pulling out his clipboard.

“Actually a lot. I dumped my girlfriend, I started a new reality show which made me like a hundred times more famous, I’ve been designing my first furniture line, I got a new neighbour, and I got a boyfriend.”

“Mmm, I see.” He says and I desperately want to peek at what he’s writing down. “Do you mind if I ask you for your height and weight?”

“Sure, I’m exactly 5 feet tall and … well I haven’t weighed myself in a while but the last time I did I was in tenth grade and I was 101 pounds.” I remember because it was the first time in my life I had weighed triple digits and basically spent the rest of the year freaking out and vowing never to step on a scale again. “I think I might have lost some weight since then.” But only because those old Levi’s keep slipping off my hips.

“You’ve definitely lost some weight since tenth grade. Do you mind stepping on the scale?” I kick off my heels and step onto the cold metal platform, making sure to have my back facing the numbers.

“Amber, you weigh 76 pounds. That is an extremely dangerous place to be.” Dr. Lancaster sounds like he’s given this lecture plenty of times before but I guess he is a doctor in Hollywood.

“That’s impossible don’t you think I would’ve noticed if all of the sudden twenty pounds disappeared from my body?”

“It might have been gradual, while reducing their caloric intake and regular exercise a person can expect to lose about a pound a week.” Dr. Lancaster writes some more “I hope you realize that if you continue losing weight the consequences will be more serious than a skipped period such as bone loss, malnutrition, and infertility. Amber I’m going to advise you to try and gain about five pounds in the next month and schedule you an appointment then.”

“Oh, okay.” I reply not really sure what I’m going to change about my lifestyle. “Do you suggest anything to gain weight?”

“Just cut down on the workouts to the recommended half an hour a day, Amber and sit down to eat actual meals instead of just snacking all day on fruits and nuts.” Clearly he knows the type of person I am.

“Thank you, Dr. Lancaster; I’ll see you in a month.” I say, before grabbing a grape lollipop from the jar the nurse is holding out.