You Win

“Don’t break his heart.”

I turned around to see who had said this absurd statement and rolled my eyes when I saw an extremely grave looking John O’Callaghan standing behind me. This was the first time I had actually seen him serious. The boys swore he was when they were in the studio but I didn’t believe it. This kid seemed as if he never had a care in the world.

“Shouldn’t you be over there telling that to Olivia? She’s the one marrying Austin tomorrow.”

“I’m serious, Dallas. Don’t do it.”

“You know, John, other people may put up with your bullshit because they see you as deep or poetic but frankly, it just annoys me. If you have something to say then say it instead of being so vague.”

John gave a sarcastic laugh as he took a sip from his bottle. I was jealous that he had gotten a beer. As soon as I walked in, Olivia had shoved a glass of champagne in my hand. I hated champagne and resented her for giving it to me. That wasn’t the only thing I resented her for.

“Don’t tell Austin that you’re in love with him.”

I scoffed. “He’s my best friend, John.”

“So? I know you’re in love with him and I’m guessing you’re planning on telling him sometime tonight during this rehearsal dinner. You may even be stupid enough to tell it to him when you’re giving your speech.”

“You don’t know a thing about me or my life so stop acting as if you do, O’Callaghan.” I spat as I tried to storm off but John was too quick for me. He reached out and grabbed my wrist while pulling me closer to him.

His face was inches from mine as he said, “What is telling him going to accomplish? It’ll just break his heart because then he’ll have to decide between you and Olivia. He’ll know that no matter whom he chooses someone will get their heart broken and he’ll hate that. It’ll break his heart knowing that he hurt one of you.”

“So I’m just supposed to act as if I’m perfectly fine with the fact that he’s getting married tomorrow night to someone that isn’t me?”

“Yes.”

“But he loved me first.”

“You lost your chance, Dallas. It’s his rehearsal dinner, the night before his wedding. You can’t do anything now except make a mess of everything.”

“Fuck off.” I spat as I finally pulled out of his grasp and made my way to the outside patio.

In my haste I had forgotten to grab my jacket to block out the chilly Arizona night air but I wasn’t about to go back inside. Hell, I didn’t even want to be here. I didn’t want to be on the top floor of some overly-priced hotel in downtown Phoenix for the rehearsal dinner of my best friend who I was in love with.

Austin Gibbs and I had best friends for as long as I could remember. He thought it was awesome that we shared names with Texas cities and swore that we were destined to be best friends because of this. I obliged and he was true to his word; we were best friends and were always there for each other. We talked about everything; no subject was off limits to us.

Funny enough, we never conversed about some of the bigger moments in our friendship. There were three events that had taken place throughout the years that we never talked about after they were over. I guess we were worried that by approaching the subject we would have to admit that these events had the potential to change our friendship, and they could still change our friendship if we dared to talk about them. Instead we just acknowledged they happened and then moved on.

The first event of this kind happened when the two of us were six, just a few weeks after we had started kindergarten.

“I can’t be friends with you anymore, Dallas.” A forlorn looking Austin said as he approached me on the swing set at recess.

“Why not?”

“Robbie Collins said girls have cooties and they’re contagious. Also he said that you’ll make me play Barbies and I’ll be a sissy boy.”

“Robbie Collins is a stupid head. There’s no such thing as cooties. Plus when I want to play Barbies I play with Sara, not you.”

“I don’t know…”

I shrugged my shoulders. “You can go play with Robbie Collins if you want but his name isn’t a city in Texas. That means you guys aren’t meant to be best friends.”

Austin hesitated for a few seconds and then sat on the swing next to mine. “You’re right, Robbie Collins is a stupid head.”

We never talked about Austin’s decision to stay that day or what would have happened if he had decided to go play with Robbie Collins instead. I think we realized that friendship is fragile at the age of six when peer pressure first begins to enter your life. We didn’t want to test the fragility of it by asking “what if?”.

The next big event in our friendship didn’t happen until many years later. I’m sure something of this nature would have happened sooner if Austin and I had been together for the years of Junior High and High School but during this time our friendship was put to the test of distance. During elementary school Austin and his family moved to Southern California for a few years before eventually settling in Arizona when Austin was in Junior High. Our parents knew how much we missed each other so they let us spend the summers together. I’d go to Arizona and spend the summer with Austin’s family one year and the next he’d come to Texas and spend the summer with my family. It was the summer before our senior year of high school and I was in Arizona.

“The stars are pretty here but they’re even prettier in Texas.” I said as Austin and I laid out in the middle of the desert just looking up at the stars.

“As much as I love Arizona I must admit that everything’s better in Texas.”

“Everything’s bigger in Texas.”

“Everything’s bigger if you’re from Texas, at least that’s what the girls here tell me.” Austin smirked.

I rolled my eyes. “You are so disgusting, Austin. What do the girls here think of you mustache?”

“Would you stop making fun of the stache? I think it’s awesome.”

“It’s just kind of weird. Do you remember my neighbor, Mr. Boyson?”

“The one we thought was a chomo?” Austin asked.

“Yep, with the mustache you sort of remind me of him.” I laughed.

“Did you seriously just compare me to a child molester?”

“Let’s just say if you had a big van you’d have been arrested by now.”

“The girls here still find it sexy.” Austin grumbled.

“Awww, poor Austin. Did I hurt your feelings?”

“Yes.” He pouted.

“Well I take back what I said. You mustache makes me want to have my way with you right here and now.”

“I wouldn’t mind that.” Austin shrugged and I rolled my eyes. “Speaking of having your way with people…you and Robbie Collins, huh?”

“We broke up.”

“Why?”

“I was right about what I said back in kindergarten…he’s a stupid head.”

Austin laughed and said, “Did he take that V card from you?”

“Could we please not talk about this?” I covered my face with my hands.

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Dallas. I told you about my first time.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“Why?”

I took a deep breath. “Well the first time was awkward but I figured it would be. After that though, it was boring.”

“Boring?”

“Yeah, I think I might be asexual or something.” I mumbled, feeling incredibly embarrassed.
Austin immediately begin cracking up.

“Austin, it’s not funny. I’m some kind of freak that doesn’t enjoy sex.” I snapped at him.

“Dallas, I promise you that you are not asexual. Robbie Collins is just extremely bad.”

I just stared up at the stars not saying anything as I tried to blink back tears. Suddenly Austin’s face was blocking my view of the stars as he hovered over me.

“Dallas, nothing is wrong with you. You’re beautiful, perfect, and amazing.” He said before leaning down and kissing me.

At first I couldn’t get over that fact that I was kissing Austin, my best friend, but I soon forgot about that. His hands found the hem of my shirt and slowly began raising it over my head. He put his hands on the button of my shorts next but paused to look at me as if he was asking my permission. I simply nodded and reached my hands up to pull his t-shirt over his head.

Austin proved to me that I wasn’t asexual and Robbie Collins was, in fact, just really bad. When everything was over I simply whispered “thank you” to Austin before kissing him on the cheek.

Austin and I didn’t discuss what had happened the next morning, or any time afterwards for that matter. I left the next week to go back home to Texas and everything between Austin and I stayed as it had been for the past 14 years.

Looking back on that moment now, I realize that Austin and I should have talked about what had happened. Everything our parents had told us was right; sex is a big deal and changes a relationship even if you try to keep everything the same. The changes that one night brought to our relationship were obvious with the third and final big event that took place.

“This is crazy. I can’t believe you’re packing to go to college.” Austin mused as he sat on my bed and watched me throw all my belongings into boxes.

“I can’t believe you’re going to a recording studio. I’m so proud of you.”

“No, I’m proud of you, Dallas. Anybody can go to a recording studio, even if you don’t have talent. All you have to do is shell out enough money. Not everybody can go to college though.” Austin leaned over to give me a kiss on the cheek as I rolled my eyes.

“It’s really not that big of a deal, Austin.”

“Yeah it is. So, I have something to tell you.”

“Ok. Shoot.” I said as I moved across the room to grab more clothes.

“Could you stop packing for a second?”

“Uh-oh, this sounds important.”

“Yeah, it kind of is.” Austin nervously rubbed the back of his neck. “Dallas, I’m…fuck this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. Dallas, I’minlovewithyou.”

“What?”

“I’m in love with you.”

I started laughing. “No you’re not, Austin.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Fine, for how long?”

“What do you mean?”

I started getting angry at this point. “I mean how long are you going to be ‘in love’ with me before you drop me like every other girl you’ve ‘loved.’ A month?”

“Dallas, it’s not like that…”

“Yes it is. It’s always like that with you and girls. I’m your best friend Austin but, let’s face it, you treat girls like shit. If some guy treated me the way you treat girls, you would beat his ass.”

“I just need to find the right girl that will make me change my ways.”

“I can’t be that girl.”

“You’re not even willing to try?” Austin pleaded.

“No, I’m not. Sure, there’s a possibility that things would work out but there’s an even bigger possibility that you’ll treat me like all the others. If that happens our friendship will be ruined.”

“Well you just ruined our friendship with your choice. I’m staying with Jack tonight. Don’t bother coming to the airport to tell me goodbye tomorrow.” Austin said as he stormed out of my house.

Austin and I didn’t talk for three months after that. That was the longest we had ever gone without talking to each other. Then one day I received a call from him. We talked about how college was going for me and how the studio was for him. We never once talked about the fight or his confession. That was locked away and we both acted as if we had forgotten about it even though I knew we hadn’t.

Something changed in me that school year. I think a part of me had always loved Austin, especially after that one night in Arizona, but I suddenly realized that I was now willing to try a relationship with him. Once school was out for the summer and I was in Arizona to spend my summer with Austin I was going to tell him.

A surprise was waiting for me in Arizona though. Austin had a new girlfriend, Olivia. I figured he was just dating her to make me jealous. I was guessing she’d just last about a month and then I could tell Austin my true feelings.

A month turned into two and all of a sudden two years had passed, and Austin was still with Olivia. Then Austin proposed to her. At first, I couldn’t help but think that Austin was really going full out with his plan to make me jealous.

Standing here tonight I realized that he was actually going to go through with this. He truly loved Olivia and was going to marry her while I was still in love with him and wishing I was in Olivia’s place. Instead of the one marrying him I found myself as Austin’s best man. Even though the role was typically reserved for a guy, Austin had insisted that the title should belong to me. I had no clue when my life had begun to mirror a shitty romantic-comedy but it sucked.

“What did John say to make you so mad? I saw him talk to you and then you just stormed out.”

I turned around to see my best friend walking towards me and my heart ached as I knew what would be happening in less than 24 hours.

“He was just being John O’Callaghan.” I rolled my eyes. “He actually kind of reminds me of you, only he’s 10 times more annoying.”

Austin laughed. “That’s probably why he infuriates you so much. But hey, you guys would have some pretty hot hate sex.”

“I was going to tell you that you clean up pretty well and almost look classy but you had to ruin it with that comment.”

“Hey, I am a very classy man.”

“Only in your head, Austin.” I smirked.

Austin shook his head and chuckled. “I can’t believe I’m getting married tomorrow. I mean I always thought you’d get married before me, but after tomorrow I’ll be married and you’ll be the old, ugly hag.”

“You sure know the way to a girl’s heart.”

“I’m just kidding, Dallas. You should know by now that I think you’re beautiful and wonderful. I can’t believe some guy hasn’t snatched you up yet.”

“I can’t believe Olivia wants to be stuck with your ass for the rest of her life.”

“I paid her.” Austin winked.

I wanted to laugh but a sigh came out instead. “Everything’s going to be different after tomorrow.”

“Hey, don’t say that.” Austin wrapped his arms around me as he noticed that a few tears had started running down my cheeks. “You will always be my best friend, Dallas, nothing can change that. Olivia may be my wife but you’re my girl. Texas forever.” He put up the ‘rock on’ sign but turned it around to represent the Texas Longhorns’ symbol.

I dried my eyes and laughed at the childhood symbol Austin and I used to do. I formed the symbol with my fingers and said, “Texas forever.”

“By the way thanks for being my best man. I don’t think I ever thanked you for doing it, but it really means a lot to me. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have.”

“It’s no problem. You know I’d do anything for you.”

Austin gave me one last squeeze and kissed my forehead. “I love you, best friend.”

“I love you too, best friend.”

“Well I think it’s about time for you to go in and make your speech. Ready?”

Here it was; the moment where I could tell Austin that I loved him and I wanted him to marry me instead. I couldn’t do it though. As much as I hated to admit it, John was right. I would only break Austin’s heart if I told him. At the end of the day, I just wanted him to be happy.

“Yep, I’m ready. Let’s go.”

Austin and I walked back into the ballroom and I could feel John’s eyes burning into my skull but I just ignored him.

Austin picked up his glass and clinked his knife against it. “Hi, everyone. First of all, I just want to say thank you for coming out and celebrating this special event with Olivia and me. We are so thankful to have you guys in our lives. Now, my best man is going to give a speech.”

I stood up and nervously grabbed the mic from Austin. I looked around and saw Austin’s family, my family, plus all of our friends staring back at me.

“Hi, so if you don’t know me I’m Dallas Granger, Austin’s best friend and best man. I realize that I’m a girl but I was actually a man when Austin asked me to be his best man, then the surgery happened and well now I’m a girl. Ok, I’m just kidding. I’ve always been a girl and still am. I would prove it to you but there are kids here and I want to keep it PG.

Anyway, I know it’s tradition for the best man to give a speech at the reception but Austin’s a bastard and asked that I make a speech at both the rehearsal dinner and the reception. He says it’s because I’m so important that he wants me to make two speeches. I think it’s because he wants me to get all of the inappropriate jokes out of my system tonight so I won’t embarrass myself, or Austin, tomorrow when more people are here.”

I turned around and saw Austin laughing. He saw me looking and did the longhorns symbol again.

“I honestly never thought this day would come. I though Austin was too much of a ladies’ man to settle down with one girl. He won the jackpot though when he found Olivia. She’s the perfect girl to tie him down. Olivia, you win too. You’ve won the heart of the greatest guy I’ve ever known. Great, now he’s going to get a big head. Don’t be afraid to call him out on his shit Olivia. He’s great but needs to be put in his place every now and then.

You both are winners in so many ways but the biggest thing you’ve won is the unconditional love of someone for the rest of your life. Don’t ever lose that because it’s a rare and special thing. I know this is cliché but I hope for only the best for the two of you. I hope you have long and happy lives together. The only thing I ask is that you make me the godmother of your first born child, unless it acts like Austin because I don’t think I can handle another Austin. But seriously, I love the both of you and am so happy for you too. And remember Austin; Texas forever.”

I put the mic up and wiped my tears as I heard the room start clapping for me. Olivia and Austin quickly made their way towards me.

Olivia pulled me into a hug. “Thank you so much, Dallas. I know how important you are to Austin and I can see why. You are wonderful. Thank you for everything you’ve done for the both of us. I hope the two of us can become friends.”

“I’d really like that, Olivia. You truly are the perfect girl for Austin. Congratulations. Don’t break his heart.”

“Oh, I won’t.”

I smiled. “I know.”

Next Austin pulled me into a bear hug. “You’re the best, Dallas. I’m so lucky to call you my best friend. I meant it earlier when I said you’ll always be my girl. You can’t get rid of me that easily. I love you. And don’t worry, you’ll find someone someday. I promise. You know, I think you and John would make a good couple.”

“I love you too, Austin. You’re so lucky. I know you’ll have a wonderful life with Olivia. As for me and John, don’t hold your breath.”

Austin laughed and gave me one last smile before turning around and talking to some of the other guests.

I decided it was time to check out the options at the bar. I really needed that beer. I was making my way towards the bar when I felt someone grab my wrist.

“Hey, that was a great speech.” John started but I quickly interrupted him.

“Listen John, I didn’t tell Austin my feelings just like you said, but I’m really not in the mood to hear you say ‘I told you so’ or hear you gloat about how you won, okay? I did it because it was the right thing to do.” I snapped.

“I wasn’t going to tell you either of those things. I was going to tell you that I know it must have been hard but you did the right thing.”

“Oh, well thank you.” I replied before turning and walking away.

Two girls made a vow to not break Austin Gibbs’ heart that evening.

Olivia was going to marry Austin and spend the rest of her life with him.

I didn’t tell Austin my feelings so he could have a wonderful life with Olivia, the girl he deserved.

Sometimes you have to break your own heart in order to avoid breaking the heart of the one you love.