Status: she found my poems the school told her!! its over. i cant go on here for a while!! sorry no updates!!
Invisible Scars
Endless Nights
I'm 14 now. I'm sitting upstairs in my room, on my computer; i can hear them below talking. probably about my. My mom has always been a loud speaker so usually i can what she's saying through the floors. although tonight i have my speakers up really loud. I'm listening to "hold on" by Good Charlotte.
I wish my brother would go out with his friends, i'm so hungry. I don't eat ANYTHING around him. He always comments on my weight, and makes me feel horrible about my appearance. So i simply wait til he's not around then i steal food and eat it quicky. When he's not home, or at college i'm so much more happier. My brother goes to his room and my mother calls me down stairs. The sound of her voice makes me shiver; sometimes she scares me.
She wants me to bring a folder to my high school orientation. i tell her no " i don't want to look stupid, plus none of my friends are" i've gotten her mad. she replys "your never going to well in the future if you continue to always follow your friends and what they do. you know your such a baby" i tell her to give me one example of how i "copy" my friends.....she can't think of one but continues to insult me anyways. I go upstairs, i ignore the rest of her words. I go into my room and put the song "shut up" by Simple Plan on really loud, hopeing she'll get the message. She must have been calling me, but because the loume i was unable to hear her. my brother yells to me " Kimberly fucking answer mom!" i turn the song off quickly and go to the top of the stairs. mom yells up "why the hell didnt you answer me" i say "i had my music on" ....great now she's furious.
**I'm going to skip the argument.. i really don't wanna reflect on it, there was alot of yelling and screaming and alot of insults. let me just skip to that night***
It was only 11pm.... soooo early but mom says i have to get into the schedul of going to bed early, for high school. which didnt start for another 2 weeks. I was sitting in bed, the lights were off and i had my ipod...
I can't help but start crying. its been so long and oyu would have thought i would be stronger by now, but i'm just not. i started thinking about all those nights when i thought i would never wake up.
**FLASHBACK***
Moms drunk again she tries to go out to the store to buy more boo's dave tries to stop her he takes her car keys away form her. She tackles him to the ground and snatches the keys. (it may sound funny but if you were there you wouldnt have been laughing) It was scary, and mom was serious. after she left dave couldnt take it, he said he would be back in the morning. he said goodnight. and i was left alone waiting hopeing mom would come home ok, and not in a police car. its been an hour. its about 1am- i have to go to sleep i have school in the morning. i stand at the door and wait. finally she comes home. thats not the end of it. i go up to my room. but i can't go to sleep yet. See she's a bit overweight, and too much achohol could give her a heart attack, so i sit at the top of the stairs and listen. At about 3am i hear her snoring. - im releaved to hear her breathing. i go to sleep. theres not much else i can do.
**END FLASHBACK**
Tears form into my eyes and i think back to all the nights i had to do that. all the nights i was alone with her. some nights were worse then others. she would slap me "lightly"(as she said) and think it was so funny. other nights she would pass out on her chair and when i got hungry i would sneak downstairs and get food, ever so quietly. School was like my escape. unlike most teenagers i hated when friday came that was her worst nights.. and the other thing was a i knew i didnt have school in the morning so i was forced to stay there. i did go over my friends house a lot to get out of the house. But that was then. about a two years ago. - now mom finally stopped drinking. but she still acts just as bad. sometimes worse because we took her "friend"(as she would say) away from her.
Now i'm like a waterfall i can't stop crying. it feels likes my heart is being torn out of my chest.- i can't seem to remeber how i fell alseep last night. but i woke up and my eyes were sticky- so i'm guessing i fell asleep cyring.
***Thats All For Tonight, I Will Write More Tomorrow****
I wish my brother would go out with his friends, i'm so hungry. I don't eat ANYTHING around him. He always comments on my weight, and makes me feel horrible about my appearance. So i simply wait til he's not around then i steal food and eat it quicky. When he's not home, or at college i'm so much more happier. My brother goes to his room and my mother calls me down stairs. The sound of her voice makes me shiver; sometimes she scares me.
She wants me to bring a folder to my high school orientation. i tell her no " i don't want to look stupid, plus none of my friends are" i've gotten her mad. she replys "your never going to well in the future if you continue to always follow your friends and what they do. you know your such a baby" i tell her to give me one example of how i "copy" my friends.....she can't think of one but continues to insult me anyways. I go upstairs, i ignore the rest of her words. I go into my room and put the song "shut up" by Simple Plan on really loud, hopeing she'll get the message. She must have been calling me, but because the loume i was unable to hear her. my brother yells to me " Kimberly fucking answer mom!" i turn the song off quickly and go to the top of the stairs. mom yells up "why the hell didnt you answer me" i say "i had my music on" ....great now she's furious.
**I'm going to skip the argument.. i really don't wanna reflect on it, there was alot of yelling and screaming and alot of insults. let me just skip to that night***
It was only 11pm.... soooo early but mom says i have to get into the schedul of going to bed early, for high school. which didnt start for another 2 weeks. I was sitting in bed, the lights were off and i had my ipod...
I can't help but start crying. its been so long and oyu would have thought i would be stronger by now, but i'm just not. i started thinking about all those nights when i thought i would never wake up.
**FLASHBACK***
Moms drunk again she tries to go out to the store to buy more boo's dave tries to stop her he takes her car keys away form her. She tackles him to the ground and snatches the keys. (it may sound funny but if you were there you wouldnt have been laughing) It was scary, and mom was serious. after she left dave couldnt take it, he said he would be back in the morning. he said goodnight. and i was left alone waiting hopeing mom would come home ok, and not in a police car. its been an hour. its about 1am- i have to go to sleep i have school in the morning. i stand at the door and wait. finally she comes home. thats not the end of it. i go up to my room. but i can't go to sleep yet. See she's a bit overweight, and too much achohol could give her a heart attack, so i sit at the top of the stairs and listen. At about 3am i hear her snoring. - im releaved to hear her breathing. i go to sleep. theres not much else i can do.
**END FLASHBACK**
Tears form into my eyes and i think back to all the nights i had to do that. all the nights i was alone with her. some nights were worse then others. she would slap me "lightly"(as she said) and think it was so funny. other nights she would pass out on her chair and when i got hungry i would sneak downstairs and get food, ever so quietly. School was like my escape. unlike most teenagers i hated when friday came that was her worst nights.. and the other thing was a i knew i didnt have school in the morning so i was forced to stay there. i did go over my friends house a lot to get out of the house. But that was then. about a two years ago. - now mom finally stopped drinking. but she still acts just as bad. sometimes worse because we took her "friend"(as she would say) away from her.
Now i'm like a waterfall i can't stop crying. it feels likes my heart is being torn out of my chest.- i can't seem to remeber how i fell alseep last night. but i woke up and my eyes were sticky- so i'm guessing i fell asleep cyring.
***Thats All For Tonight, I Will Write More Tomorrow****