Invisible Scars

I guess you could say these are my like pre-suicide attempts.

I'm sitting in my room listening to one of my favirote songs that i feel i can totally relate to "No Love" by Simple Plan. I look at the ceiling and think back to those nights that i never thought i would see daylight again.
revisiting those nights i never wanted to think about again- the nights when no one cared and i was alone alot on the cold hard bathroom floor thinking about the worst idea's and thinking about nothing else but taking my life.

***FLASHBACK***

Mom was screaming at my again- i think she ws drunk that night- and very pissed off. my dad came over that night- they starting fighting and he left in the same manner he did when i was much younger. my brother left too, he went to his friends house to exscape my mom. i guess he delt with her enough when he was younger- so it was now my turn. mom was really pissed off at my dad but she could only deal with it if she blamed other people, and since i wa the last target left. i was to get the worse.

Mom was screaming at my, insults after insults flying from her mouth pounding my hears and face. i try to defed myself- i try to yell back, but it only makes things worse, she makes me go close to her she slaps me a few times and then screams more and yells with the insults spilling out again. "you suck your worthless your a basturd like the brother, you love your dad more then me, i hate you" I run out of the house onto my proch i cry my eyes out- but i dont care i'm just happy to get away from her.

My mother follows me to the porch she starts the insults again "your such a baby all you do is cry, and what the hell is this your so fucking strange why did you go outside bitch?" I'm so confused anything i do, the insults are still there posioning my brain an tearing my heart. i run past her and retreat to my room, she follows me again, she slaps me again, im crying so hard she is still screaming, i don't want to hear it anymore i scream out in pain, i yell "i cant hear you anymore i dont want to hear you" im starting to go insane i cant take the harsh words all the time. i run into the bathroom- turn on the fan and lock the room. i hear my mom go back downstairs- she must have given up for now. i slide down the bathroom wall onto the cold hard bathroom floor. i curl up in a ball and start crying really hard.

i keep thinking to myself, 'i dont deserve this, what happened, are other families like this, they cant be, why does she hate me so much??' i'm crying now so hard it feels like my heart is being ripped apart- i feel this emptyness feeling in my chest- its hard to explain but its painful. I feel like i'm dying, but nothing is happening, i look around the bathroom frantic, i find some sleeping pills and nail clippers, i hold them both in my hands-i put the nail clippers down- there not sharp enough to break skin. i look at the sleeping pills. i open the bottle.

I spil the pills onto my hand... i look at them... i stare at them- they are my escape from the pain- if i take them i would never feel pain again, i would never cry again, i would never have to hear her terrible words echoing in my head anymore. i would be free, i would be happy. i'm holding suicide in my hands, and all i need to do is swallow them.

i put one in my mouth, then two, then four, then six. i dont swallow them yet. before im about to swallow them, i think about the things i would miss, then i hear a whine outside of the door. its maisy, my dog, i think about how sad she would be if i left, i couldnt leave my best friend behind. and music. i love music, i would never be able to listen to it again, i could never see anything anymore- i wanted to travel when i was older, i wanted to go to all the countries, i wanted to grow up and get a job and hav children. tears form in my eyes again, i couldnt die yet, there are so many things i havent seen or done.

i spit out the pills, put them in alot of toilet paper and throw them away, that way no one would find them. i clean my eyes up a bit with water and a towel and open the door, maisy is on my bed now, i go over to her and lie down next to her, i start crying again as im hugging her, she licks my face. she's so cute.

Then i hear my mom again, maisy jumps off my bed and runs down stairs, i dont blame her for running. my mom comes back in my room- and orders me to go to bed, i do what she says ad go to bed, she walks out again wobbleing now form all the beer, and i lye down. i look at the clock its 2am, i was in the bathroom for 2 hours, i hadn't realized it. I put my headphones in my hears and listen to christimas carols( my secret addiction) it relaxes me and i fall asleep.

I wake up the next day and my eyes are all sticky from the tears, and my headphones are wrapped around my body- i must have fell asleep with the music playing. I put my ipod on its doc to charge an i walk downstairs for something to drink, all that crying last night made me dehydrated. my mom is in her chair she has her coffee next to her. it's about 10am she's watching the news, she asks me to go into the den and sit on the couch- i think "here we go again, because i know whats coming, she does this after every night she gets drunk, mostly because she can't remember what happened" she looks at me and says "kim can you please not tell your father about this? ok i'm sorry about last night, it wont happen again" like i said she does this everytime.. i agree not to tell dad. i never asked why not, i just never told him.

after that mom acts like nothing ever happened.

***END FLASHBACK****

those nights happened alot, like every friday, i don;t know why but it seemed to be pretty bad that night, and i almost ended my life. usualy during the school year i hate fridays well friday nights. they were the worst. an no one was ever around to make me feel better.

i felt bad the other day. my friend tried to hug me and comfort me, but i pushed her away because i wasnt use to that... usually no one is around and i comfort myself.

anyways i'm going to end this chapter, i'll try to write more tomorrow.

**PLEASE COMMENT, THANKYOU****