Invisible Scars

i don't know how many of you read the last chapter.. i didn't finish it... yes, i still remember...but i think it would be best if i didn't tell you what else happened that day....- memories of that day still haunt me..i haven't been to the hair dressers since.. Ive developed a phobia.. - yes a fear of going to the hair dressers because every time i try to think about going images from that day display in my mind... i cant- I'm too scared...- call me a wimp if you want- if you do though i would advise you to stop reading now, you obviously don't understand...

So Ive started high school- Freshman year!- Ive dealt with the usual high school shit by now- stupid annoying kids, mean teachers, loads of homework, stressing about tests, forgetting homework and stressing more, annoying friends and there issues(whom i never mind helping...but...you know how people can be) and the most high school thing- drugs..(no not me but most my friends.. and everyone else around me)

But that pretty much sums up any high school.. or any school for that matter- well maybe minus the drugs for the lower grades....hopefully....

Anyways other then the usual high school stress... my mom hasn't lightened up... i wonder if she ever thinks where all my stress goes... because i don't talk to her.. or anyone-she must think I'm a stone or something always letting it bounce off me of me... i wish she would understand that I'm a sponge.. i take it all in, then at some point let it all out at once...

I wish people at school weren't so quick to judge.. but that's like asking the world to stop fighting... it will never happen, no matter how much you try and dream...

although I'm happy with myself- Ive learned how not to judge people..too soon- by there looks or actions- but more from personality....well i mean actions like if they sit in the back not to make fun..although i wish i had learned this earlier... now I'm stuck with all this guilt... Ive learned to give all a chance by there personalities.. Ive learned not to if they don't look perfect to write them off as something.... - Ive made a new friend w/ a new girl bc of my changed ways... that makes me happy... - no she isn't perfect and doesn't have expensive clothes... she may not be as open as everyone else.. doesn't mean she isn't a great person... i wish everyone would learn not to judge like me.. although it took alot of pain to learn this.. so maybe i do not wish that upon everyone else... Ive learned from my mother how much it hurts when your judged quickly Ive heard her horrible words about people that shes never met.. she calls them stupid or weird.. but she knows nothing about them- Ive learned from her how she judges me.. Ive learned from school how students take one look at someone and if there not perfect there no excepted.. I'm happy Ive learned this.. I'm happy I've changed, but i wish so much to go back in time... and not ignore that one girl... i didn't know her pain... i didn't know until a few weeks ago when she moved away.. i didn't know why... but we were friends and now i have to live with that guilt... <33- wish her the best... jeez i feel terrible.. ='[

- not only school.. got stress from home...- i guess i should start out with... i attempted suicide a 4th time..- on November 8th... - it was all too much.. i was failing a class in school- i had just heard about my friend- my families having a hard time paying for the house...- we can't really afford heat..- we wake up cold in the mornings and at night so we can save money..- I'm just really depressed and have had no one to talk to- my friends got there own stuff and i try to help them... but it gets to be alot when you got to balance theres and yours.. i thought it would be a coincidence- we were talking about depression and suicide in health class....- we watched a video- i almost start crying; I'm really happy no one noticed... on that day... November 8th.. i was a dead soul at school...

I thought i could almost feel some of my teachers looking at me because i must have been acting weird... - no one ever said anything.. it made me feel like no one cared- although i hadn't told anyone of my plans- well other then putting poems on here and talking to people... i was keeping to myself well.. on November 9th we would get report cards- the next day... my mom hadn't seen my F yet and thinking back to her reactions of other years to C's i was so scared.. i could almost pre-hear her insults in my mind... - i remember one November 8th(the day i was suppose to die) i was in last class, i couldn't pay attention... i was almost in tears when we had 20minutes let- id thought for sure i wouldn't ever see these people again.. i think the girl i was working with noticed i was acting strange but she didn't say anything...

i was ready to die though and everything about that day was nothing.. i didn't care about anything i didn't pay attention to anything i didn't listen or talk to anyone... right when i got home that day i got in, and start crying uncontrollably , i texted one of my friends.. i asked him how he dealt with all the pain (hes been through alot too) he said he didn't think i really knew what pain was; that only hurt more.. so then i told him about my suicide plan for that night- at first he thought i was joking, he told me that it wasn't funny, he told me not to joke about it... i told him i wasn't joking i told him i was planning it for week i told him i was ready- he finally took me seriously... which i don't now if i wanted- i texted him bc i figured like usual he would laugh at me and then say bye- i don't know if i really was crying out for someone help or i just needed to talk to someone- or tell someone. he came over to my house to talk to me though-i really didn't want to talk.. plus i didn't trust him, but he did.. like he said he would... and we talked... but i wouldn't tell him now but he mostly just got me distracted.. he told me alot about his pain, he wouldn't leave either until i agreed not to kill myself that night- which i did.. but he distracted me more then helped- although i guess that's all i wanted... but looking back i kind of wish i hadn't told him- he seems to treat me different.. - but that day when he asked me what had drove me to this i told him school and home- i didn't get into detail.. i don't like talking- but like i thought at first- he laughed at me.. he didn't get what i meant.. but i guess that was okay.. no one really gets it.. i don't even.. I'm horribly confused....

CAN U ANSWER ME THIS IN THE COMMENT PLACE?? PLZZZ I NEED TO KNOW!??!
I'm so confused- is every family like this? does every mom treat there daughter like that? i need an answer- I'm so confused i don't get it... am i just a wimp, a coward- like my mom says.. is she suppose to say that- is she suppose to swear and hit me sometimes... i don't get it!!! please someone tell me am i a brat and all families are like this and I'm just a bitch for not figuring that out???

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I'm going to end the chapter here- it was nice letting that out somewhere... - ill try to update this week again... - plz answer that comments question- I'm really confused!(thnx)

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