I Only Want What I Can't Have

Antonello’s Bistro. It was a hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant a few blocks down the street from my apartment that I passed every day on my way to work. It was usually a busy place. Whenever I looked into the windows, I would notice that it was nearly packed full of people. One day, just out of curiosity, I decided to check it out to see what all the commotion was about. After that one visit, I fell in love. I quickly became addicted to the food and atmosphere at Antonello’s, and I found myself eating there a lot more that I should have. I was one of their most valued customers. The entire staff and I were on a first name basis. I guess it could be said that I was obsessed. So, when I walked out of my apartment door one day and found a note written in scratchy handwriting, telling me be there at 8:30, I ran as fast as I could.

When I got to the restaurant just a little before my designated time, there weren’t any other patrons there because it closed at 8:00. I was greeted with a warm smile and a wave from a busboy named Anthony. I waved back as I scanned the area for the person who could’ve written the note that I found. In the far right corner near the very back of the building, I saw a hooded figure sitting at a booth alone. I raised a brow curiously and slowly began to approach. Once I got close enough, I examined the mysterious person intently. They were wearing a black hoody, red acid-washed skinny jeans and a blue pair of Converse shoes, and their hands were rested in their pockets. They definitely didn’t give off a vibe that said ‘Hey, I’m totally approachable,” but I figured I’d take my chances.

“Is this seat taken?” I asked, gesturing toward the unoccupied side of the booth.

The person shook their head. “Go ahead.”

I tried to hide my smile as I sat down. Apparently, the enigmatic figure before me found something to be funny because they, too, were trying to stifle their growing smirk. My inquisitiveness was starting to get the better of me, so I boldly reached across the table and pulled the person’s hood back to reveal an interestingly familiar face. I raised my brows in surprise and smiled.

“Well, hello, gorgeous,” I said, giggling a bit.

The now not-so-mysterious man chuckled. “Hello, beautiful.”

I leaned over the table halfway and wrapped my arms securely around his neck. My smile grew even wider as we pulled away from each other. “Hello, Peter.”

He smirked slyly as he reached a hand up to remove his dark hair from his eyes. “Hello, Annie.”

Peter was my wonderful best friend. He was almost like a brother to me actually. I hadn’t seen him for a whole two months because he spent his summer visiting friends in Los Angeles. That night was his first night back in Chicago.

“I bet you’re wondering what we’re doing here after hours, right?” he asked as he held my right hand, fiddling with my fingers.

I nodded my head slowly. It turned out that he had planned for us to have the restaurant all to ourselves for a private dinner. The only reason the managers and the rest of the employees agreed to it was the fact that I was such a loyal customer. I never would have expected Peter to even think of doing something like that. He wasn’t a romantic kind of guy, so this was really stunning. I was a little overwhelmed.

“Peter, I can’t believe you did this,” I said, shocked. “Thank you.”

His dark eyes met mine, and he squeezed my hand tighter. “I’d do anything for you, Annie.”

I smiled as a waitress came to take our order. Dinner was incredible, just as I expected. It just reminded me why Antonello’s would always be my favorite place to eat. Peter and I spent most of the time catching up with each other rather than eating, though. Once we were finished, Peter paid the check and took me by the hand, saying that he wanted to take me somewhere else. When I asked him where, he put his hands over my eyes and told me it was a surprise. I went along with it at first, but after a while, my feet started getting tired and I was growing restless.

“Pete,” I whined, “how much farther do we have to go? I’m getting tired.”

I heard him snicker from behind me. “Stop complaining. We’re almost there.”

“How much longer?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Peter!” I shrieked in agitation.

“Alright, alright. We’re here.”

We stopped walking, and Peter removed his hands from my face. I opened my eyes and looked around.

“The park?” I asked, unsure of his reasons for taking me there.

“Yes, the park. Jeez, don’t sound so enthused,” he said sarcastically as he pulled me toward a nearby swing set. I took a seat on a swing, and he began pushing me softly.

“I am enthused, just as long as I’m with you,” I replied cutely.

“Aw, you’re so adorable. I could just kiss your face.” He leaned over me and planted a big, sloppy kiss right on my forehead.

“Ew, Peter, gross!” I complained as I wiped his saliva off of my forehead and onto his shirt.

He chuckled heartily and stuck his tongue out at me, making the both of us laugh. He sighed as he looked off into the distance and continued to push me on the swing. “We’ve come a long way, Annie,” he said.

I nodded in agreement as I thought back to how our journey together started. I met Peter freshman year of high school. We sat next to each other in geography class. Our friendship was quite unconventional because, honestly, I hated him at first. He was a punk, just the kind of kid that I disliked. He was the type that didn’t really care about anything, not his grades in school, not what people thought of him and not even himself for that matter. He didn’t show up to class often, but when he did, he didn’t do much of anything. He would always fall asleep or doodle in his notebook. And he was arrogant too. I never wanted anything to do with him.

One day, he left school and didn’t come back. I didn’t care where he went. I was just glad that I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. I hoped that he had moved somewhere far away. Later on, I found out that wasn’t true. His parents had shipped him off to boot camp to “straighten him out.” He came back to school junior year, and we had another class together, sitting next to each other again. I was a little wary in the beginning, but after a while, I began to notice that he actually had changed. He was much friendlier, and he paid more attention in class. I decided to give him a chance, and we eventually became friends. He and I were a lot more alike than I would’ve imagined.

“Thank you for taking a chance on me, Annie,” Peter said suddenly, breaking me out of my reminiscent trance. “After boot camp, I couldn’t go back to hanging out with my old friends because they were still into ditching school and shit like that. I had no one else to talk to, but you were nice to me even after I had been such a dick to you before. You were there when I needed a friend the most. I love you.”

I grinned as I covered his hands with mine on the chains of the swing. “I love you too, bud.”

He inhaled sharply. “When I was out in L.A., I saw something really nice that I thought you might like, so I bought it.” He reached into the pocket of his hoody and pulled out a long, slender box, handing it to me.

I took it, pulled the ribbon off and opened it. There was a golden locket inside. “Aw, Pete, you didn’t have to do this.”

He shrugged. “I know, but I wanted to. You deserve it. Take a look inside.”

I opened the locket, and my heart automatically melted when I saw what was inside. It had an inscription that said, “Pete + Annie = BFF” and a picture of Peter and me that was taken at my 20th birthday party. Pete was kissing my cheek, and I was smiling and blushing like a giddy little school girl.

“Do you like it?”

I closed the locket and looked up at Peter. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

He took the jewelry out of my hands, and I moved my hair to the side so he could put it around my neck. I turned around in the swing to face him and smiled. However, he didn’t smile back. He just stood there with a serious expression, staring at my face. Before I knew it, he was bracing himself against the chains on the swing and leaning into me. I realized where this was going, and I put my hand to his chest to stop him before he got too close.

“Peter, we can’t,” I whispered.

He breathed a deep sigh as he rested his forehead against mine. “Annie, please. You know how I feel about you.”

Months ago, merely hours before Peter left to go to California for the summer, he stopped by my apartment. I thought he was just coming to say goodbye, but he said that and so much more. He also told me that he was in love with me. He said he had been since our senior year. Needless to say, I was stunned. I never expected for him to tell me something like that. He was like my big brother. I didn’t know what to say to him. He wanted a response before he left, but I couldn’t bring myself to give him one. I didn’t know how I felt at the moment. So, I told him that I’d give him his answer when he came back home. What a short two months that was.

I huffed. “Look, Peter, I heard what you said before you left and I—”

“Did you think about it?” he asked anxiously.

“Yes, but you have to understand that—”

This time I was interrupted by a harsh, unfamiliar voice.

“Hey, you two!”

Peter and I looked up to see a police officer approaching us. He was a round fellow, and he looked to be at least in his mid-forties. Once he got close enough, he stopped walking and shined his flashlight at us.

“It’s getting late out,” he said, seemingly out of breath.

“And…?” Pete pressed.

“Things can get pretty dangerous out here at this time of night.”

“Isn’t that what you’re out here for, to protect people from danger?” Pete questioned smartly.

“Peter,” I said in a warning tone of voice. I didn’t want him to say anything that might get us in trouble.

“Look,” the officer said, “I am trying to protect you from danger. A lot of people have been disappearing at night lately, so the city imposed a 10 o’clock curfew to help and try to figure out what’s happening. It’s already a quarter past 10, so you two should be heading home.”

I looked at Peter, and he seemed to be more irritated at the fact that the cop was still there with his flashlight in our faces than worried about whatever dangers were lurking around. I sighed and faced the officer. “Thank you for the warning. We’ll be on our way soon.”

“Alright. Keep your eyes open and have a safe night.” With that said, he turned his back on us and started walking back in the direction from which he had come.

“What a prick,” Peter mumbled.

I shook my head. “He was just doing his job.”

“Whatever,” he scoffed. “Now what were you saying?”

I sighed. “Peter, I know you said that you’re in love with me, but I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

He gazed at me, perplexed. “What do you mean, you don’t know how you feel about it?”

“Look, you’re my best friend, and I love you more than you could ever know, but I’m... I'm not in love with you.”

Peter clenched his jaw and stared at me for a moment before turning his back on me and starting to walk away.

I stood up and followed him. “What are you doing?”

He spun around with the angriest look on his face that I had ever seen. His face was turning red, his brows pulled together tightly and his eyes were cold and dark. He actually looked quite scary. “I’m leaving, Annie. You obviously don’t want me, so I’m gone.”

My jaw dropped, and I looked at him incredulously. “Just because I don’t want to be in a relationship with you that doesn’t mean that I don’t want you around at all. You’re my best bud. I need you.”

Peter huffed and looked at me with a pained expression. “I can’t just be your friend, Annie. I’ve tried that for three years now, and it’s just not working for me. The feelings that I have for you are too strong. Whenever you smile at me or touch me, my heart rate skyrockets. I can’t even be less than five feet away from you without wanting to hold you and kiss you. It’s just getting to be too much for me.”

I stepped closer to him and wrapped my arms around his torso, burying my face in his chest. I felt tears begin to well up on the brims of my eyes and threaten to spill out. “You’re being selfish. This isn’t fair to me.”

“Love makes people selfish sometimes.” He pulled away from me and placed his hands on my cheeks. I could see that his eyes were turning red. He was trying not to cry too. “Annie, you know I’ll always love you no matter what, but if we’re not going to be together, then I’m going to need some time to get over you. I don’t know how long it’ll take, but if you ever change your mind and decide to give us a shot, you can always come find me.” He kissed me on the forehead softly before turning around and walking away.

I stood there, watching helplessly as my best friend literally walked out of my life. He quickly became a blur in the distance as tears began to obstruct my vision. I fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around myself tightly as I proceeded to cry hysterically. My life would be nothing without Peter. He wasn’t just my best friend; he was my everything. He was my shoulder to cry on, the only person who would stay on the phone with me until six in the morning when I couldn’t sleep at night, the only person who brought me soup from Antonello’s and nursed me back to health when I was sick and the only person who would drive across town in the middle of the night to keep me company when there was a thunderstorm. What was I going to do without him?