I Still Watch Her

I still watch her. It doesn't matter that we've been apart for two years now already and that she's the one that broke off the engagement, because I still love her. And I couldn't well blame her for leaving either, right ? I mean, having a drunken and high fiancee all the time couldn't have really been her dream when growing up. No matter what we all had been through together or how long we were a couple.

I first saw her when I was fifteen, at our school. She was being bullied and Frank and I saved her, not that she needed saving. Not from that, at least. Joy was a tough nut to crack at first. She wouldn't open up to us and refused to share secrets with us until she trusted us. It was then that the three of us became best friends and became inseperable.

Joy got beaten up by her mother and step-father on daily bases and one day they had taken their assault too far and she had come to me in the middle of night. I still wonder why she came to me and not Frank. They were closer and more alike but she didn't go to Frank, she came to me.

I still remember the feelings I had when she crawled into my bed. Fear for her health, anger at her mother, happiness that she reached out to me and something that I couldn't identify at that exact moment but just knew when I woke up the morning after.

Her bruises were bad, very bad. Long black marks on her stomach, deep cuts on her legs and a split lip. I just wanted to ease her pain, take some of it away. I still don't know what posessed me that night but suddenly I was kissing her skin, trying to take away her pain.

Her breathing had changed and she had started to pant. My lips had followed the path of her bruises all the way to her legs until the only thing I had left to kiss, were her lips. The look she gave me then, was something that I'll never forget. Excitement, longing and happiness but fear also. Not that it wasn't understandable because we were doing things neither of us had done before but her trust in me was solid because she had been the one to close the gap between us.

Our lips were touching and my tongue had darted out to lick away the blood on her lip. A moan had escaped her throat and made me excited as hell. I think you understand what happened that night and it was....with the lack of a better word, magical.

We ofcourse became a couple after that night, and I reached a point with her that I know I won't ever reach with anyone else again. Especially when she moved in with us because the situation at her home became too unbearable. My mom loved having Joy in the house, she treated her like a daughter of her own. And so did my dad.

The only thing Joy hated leaving behind at her house, was her sister but there wasn't any other way because Jana was three years younger than her and Joy had only reached the age of 16 herself. But I know she was happy at our house. And I know that she loved me as much as I loved her.

So to go on, I asked Joy to marry me at our graduation party two years later. The moment I got down on one knee, she got a look of shock on her face and tears in her eyes. Her breathy 'yes' is one of the moments I'll never forget. Ever.

I got accepted at an artacademy while Joy accepted a fashioncourse. Our life wasn't easy, we were still living at home and our savings were....well there wasn't much of it. But we both managed to keep a job while still going to school and a year later we were able to move into a small place together with Frank. Joy always said she loved living together with the two men she loved the most.

And I think that's the thing she hated the most when I told her I wanted to start a band after 9/11. She didn't really care about the money we were going to lose, or the fact that I had to give up my job at Cartoon Network or not even that Frank was dropping out of college....she hated the fact that both her fiancee and her best friend were going to leave her.

But she really is an amazing person because she took on another job so that we could pay for our material and stuff. By that time, we had already formed My Chemical Romance. Ray and Frank on guitars, my brother Mikey on bass, another good friend Bob on drums and myself the vocals.

We grew pretty fast and when our mangager Brian told us about a European tour, I already felt Joy's heart break. And by the look on his face, Frank did too.
She took the news pretty hard, couldn't have blamed her, it meant us leaving for 6 months.
But the next day, she was packing for us and for herself as well. She was moving back in with my mom so she wouldn't be alone. And to my shock, her sister was going to be there as well.

The day that we were leaving came too fast for our liking. I remember waking up with Joy in my arms and making love with her. We knew that it would be the last time that we would be able to do this in a long time and it was explosive. She had clinged to me the entire time, the entire three times actually.

She had hugged Ray, Bob and Mikey at the van, and had almost crushed Frank while reminding him that if he did anything stupid, she would hunt his ass down. Frank had laughed and had told her that he would be fine. They exchanged their usual 'I love you's and then she turned to me. Our kiss was brutal, unlike any kiss we had ever shared before.

“You better be back on time for our wedding, Mr Way”

That's what she told me. And I smirked, telling her I wouldn't want to miss it for anything in the world. Our tour went well, we performed in places I'd never even heard off and our succeslevels were raising with every gig we did.

But our suprising succes, came with a downside. I had always been a drinker, everyone of us was, but being on tour it increased to an alarming level. I missed Joy like crazy and I found my release in things that don't release anything, only making it worse.

5 months into our tour, I was no longer just drinking heavily. With some encouragement from a new made friend Bert from The Used, I had started doing drugs. I know what you are going to say but.....I was emotionally vulnerable and the drugs made me feel good, like the booze made me confident on stage, the drugs did in the real world.

I tried to keep it to myself, but both Mikey and Frank knew me too well. They had suspected something for a long time and they had confronted me. I think that I had fooled them that time but nothing would save me the next time.
Before we left, Joy had promised she'd visit us when she could get some time of from her job. After six months, the time was finally there but I hate to say that....that particular visit was the beginning of the end for the love between us.

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Joy arrived on a monday, I remember that because we had a show the day before that and me and Bert got totally wasted afterwards. Luckily, she had arrived late in the afternoon so that I had had the time to sober up. She was even more beautiful than I remembered, her black hair had red highlights and she was wearing a MCR tshirt that she had made herself.

Property of Gerard Way. It read on the front of her black tshirt which had made me smile. Frankie had been pretending to pout when suddenly her back was turned to her while getting out her luggage. But Frankie's pretty cute too.

With that saying, Frank hadn't been able to control himself anymore and had sprinted towards my girl. Her smile had been beautiful when her eyes locked with mine, she looked so happy. But our stare was broken when Frank jumped on her and had tackled her to the ground, hugging the crap out of her.

I had been scared that she would somehow know exactly what had happened the night before, but when she kissed me I hadn't cared anymore. I had missed her too much.

But our happiness for being reunited hadn't lasted long. Two days after she came, Bert had called me. In the middle of mine and Joy's sex marathon. And Bert had been so drunk that Joy had overheard some of his ramblings and heard some things that she wasn't supposed to know.

She had confronted me about it and I denied everything, blaming it on Bert being drunk. Her trust in me was unbelievingly strong....but she believed me. Until that same day, I had come into our bus wasted. And then she knew what Bert had said, had been true.

But she didn't leave me, no it took a lot more than that. She had called home to say she wasn't coming back anytime soon and her jobs to resign. She wanted to take care of me, and help me through my addictions.

I know what you're thinking, 'if she wanted to do all that, why the fuck aren't you married ?'
I hadn't accepted her help, because in my mind I didn't need any help. But she'd still stayed.

Until one day, she had gotten sick of it. She had asked me for one night to come to the bus sober and clean. And I had promised. I had promised that I wouldn't drink or take drugs and take her out to dinner to talk about our marriage. Her eyes had shined with hope that the worst had been over and that we were going to let it all behind us.

But once again, I screwed up. I broke my promise and she saw me, drunk on vodka and high on E's, while she was standing in a little black dress with her make-up done perfectly. She had cried and screamed. And I had just stood there, probably with a stupid grin on my face. She had told me, she just couldn't do it anymore that she had had enough of dealing with drunks and that she deserved better.

“I asked you, one night Gerard ! One night to go out with me and at least pretend that we are still a happy, in-love couple but you couldn't even do that for me. Do you even care that we have been engaged for over 4 years now and haven't even talked about our wedding ? Or was I just the stupid one with thinking that proposing actually meant marriage in the near by future ? I just can't do it anymore Gerard, I've dealt with enough drunks in my life with my mother and stepfather. I've tried to help you but you wouldn't accept it. Look at you, are you even listening to what I'm saying ? I love you but I can't live this way. I'm sorry....Goodbye”

That were her last words to me. She had taken off her ring and placed it on the table that had been next to her. Then she had left. And I was too shit-faced to stop her, to scream that I loved her and that I couldn't live without her in my life.

Frank had been angry with me as well, furious. Through Mikey, I had discovered that Joy had gone to Frank and that she had cried the whole night in his arms. I had told Frank that it was none of his business and to keep out of it but that had just turned out into a new screaming match that Frank had won because he had been right.

I had tried to contact her but she never picked up and Frank wouldn't help me. Can't blame him, I would have done the same in his place. A few months later, I was shocked to see her on MTV. In a band.

Union Falls. That is her band's name and they're amazing. She had never told me that she was interested in this life but Frank told me that she needed something new and that he had convinced her to do something with her writing skills. She had changed a lot. She had lost weight, making her so skinny that I was afraid she would break in half, her hair was jet black with purple streaks in it and it was longer than I had remembered. But she was still beautiful.

We're a year later now and I'm still not over her. I hate it because I know that I'll never have her back. I broke her, her love and her trust in me. And I'll never be able to make it up to her. She and Frank are still close, they talk every other day on the phone and when we're on a break he goes to see her on her tour.

Oh, and she has someone new now. It hasn't been going on long, according to Frank, because she had a difficult time letting go of the past. Of me. Well that makes two of us I suppose. You probably know her new boyfriend, it's Jacoby Shaddix from the band Papa Roach ?

But she's happy, or that's wat Frank tells me. Her life didn't turn out to what she had excepted but she doesn't hate it. All I know is that I'll love her forever and I hope that one day we'll be friends again, like we used to be, but till then all I can do is watch her.

Because I still do.....
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